old man sutton

The adventures through life and spirit of a single father, lover and man.

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been over a whole MONTH since last I posted!  I keep meaning to tackle part 2 of my previous post, but everytime I sit down to do so I’m just not quite sure where to start.  This is the problem with an eclectic and evolving path, it keeps changing.  I’m currently exploring Buddhism more in depth, and am experiencing even more positive growth in my spiritual life.  I’ll get my thoughts in order eventually and tackle that subject, but right now I just want to actually POST something.  Write a little.

Life has been, well… life.  There’s been some positives on the road lately, and some negatives.  Good times and bad.  My financial situation has brightened a bit lately, I’ve dealt with a car dying on the side of the highway at 2am, and the subsequent transmission repairs, and the kids continue to grow like weeds.  Speaking of growing things, for those that don’t follow along with me on Facebook, I’m in the middle of tackling my vegetable garden for the first time ever!  I’ve gotten a 8′ x 12′ plot of land turned over, and would be building the beds and planting today if it weren’t so cold and rainy.  I’m planning on growing tomatoes, green beans, green peppers, romaine lettuce, spinach, broccoli, zucchini, summer squash, carrots and strawberries.  If there’s room left over (and there should be) I also plan on planting some herbs, most notably white sage.  I’m kind of at a loss what as to what herbs I should plant, as I don’t frequently USE herbs.  Suggestions anyone?

The job search continues, with little success.

I’ve been terrible not only about writing in my blog, but also with READING blogs.  My apologies to everyone, I’m not intending to slight anybody.  I’m spending more and more time focusing on my immediate surroundings, and just can’t seem to summon up enough time or energy to get around to all the reading I was doing.

I’ve been continuing my yoga practice, and let me tell you… the benefits to mind and soul aside, yoga is amazing for losing weight and sculpting and toning muscles.  I’ve never felt so sexy!  LOL

Last night I attended an open house for where my son will be going to school next year.  He’ll be entering Kindergarten, and the school where he’ll be going has four Kindergarten classes, all in their own building.  I got to meet all four of his potential teachers (teacher/student assignments have not been done yet), and while I liked them all, I’m really hoping he gets the first teacher we met with.  When he would ask questions of the teacher, she would in turn encourage him to figure out the answers, where the other teachers would just tell him.  I really love how she handled and encouraged his curiousity, so I got my fingers crossed on that one.

My daughter continues to grow up, and she’s absolutely adorable.  She has the squeakiest little voice, and is always in an amazing mood.  Sure, as she’s growing, she’s hit the stage where she’s trying crying to get her way on things, but I learned that lesson the hard way with my son.  Throw your tantrum, come talk to me when you’re done, I’m not playing that game, lol.

Today, I think since the weather won’t be cooperating, it’ll be a nice, calm, long day of cleaning as I go, and enjoying life.  There’s definitely a benefit of being able to look and find a positive in any negative, and in appreciating the little things.  That benefit has me smiling as I sip my coffee on this cold and rainy day, and I do so love to smile.

As I may or may not have said here before, I really don’t have a name for the path I follow, beyond calling it an “Eclectic” path, or one that focuses on MY spirituality.  However, more and more lately, I find it evolving again, branching out, testing, sampling, assimilating.

I was raised in a Christian household.  My favorite songs growing up were children’s hymns.  ”This Little Light of Mine”, “Jesus Loves Me”, etc.  I became a Christian, asked Jesus into my heart, at the tender age of 7.  Really, looking back, this was prompted by fear.  I didn’t want to go to Hell.  As I got older however, and learned more of the teachings in the Bible, this didn’t seem good enough.  God (in this paragraph, I will use God to designate the Christian God), wanted us to worship and obey out of love, and yet, everyone I met, when asked, basically just wanted fire insurance.  To not burn in Hell for eternity.  While this jaded me to a certain extent, I had made it MY spiritual mission to learn to follow God out of love, not fear.  And I found so much love for God.  Reading the teachings in the Bible, and taking the time to work out their underlying meanings, helped me find a spiritual connection, a very real beauty, and yes, love.  This was a time of internal spiritual warfare.  Questioning all my beliefs, while at the same time, setting out to prove to myself that I could believe them from a place of honesty, for what they were, instead of the consequences if I didn’t.  Everytime I would go outdoors, and see the beauty of nature, the stir of a breeze, I would see the hand of God, and I would be thankful He thought to put me in a world of so much beauty.  Many people would be angry at God for allowing so much ugliness in our world as well, but I took the more pragmatic view that as long as God trusted us enough to allow us to think and act for ourselves, then there would be ugliness.  To erase that, would deny us our free will.  And of course, how can one know how good something is, if there is nothing bad to compare it with?  So over time, I became what I like to think of as a REAL Christian.  The kind that follow the MESSAGE, not the letter of the law.  That kind that worship out of love, not out of fear.  And for a long time, I was content, even if I didn’t practice often, go to church.

Eventually, I saw more and more that I was surrounded by hypocrites.  I learned more and more history that made me question the “Jesus” aspect of Christianity.  I agreed with his teachings, but questioned the level of divinity placed upon him.  I also began appreciating that all religions had wonderfully positive spiritual messages, if you could get past the insecure dogma of Christianity.  While Christianity preaches love for all humanity, the followers practice hate and fear, afraid of the fire.  It wears on you after a while.  So I decided to explore what else was out there.  Not because Christianity for ME didn’t work, but because I felt there had to be MORE answers out there.

I reached out to the East, learning more about Buddhism and Taoism.  I found a lot of positive teachings here, many that correlated with Christian teachings, and some that were unique.  I used these to help firm and shore up my own spiritual quest to worship God out of love.  To learn to love more truly my fellow humans.  I didn’t understand it all, and I didn’t get too in depth.  But it really helped open some doors in my mind and in my heart.

About two years ago, I met somebody, fell deeply in love with them.  Since I was already on my way out of my marriage, a marriage where we didn’t agree on spirituality or religion, I knew how important this was for me, to be able to share my spirituality with a mate.  So we talked religion one day, and I found out she was Pagan.  That hurt at first, here I am a good Christian boy, and I’m falling in love with a self professed witch, who practices magic, polytheism, etc?  It was only from the strength of that love, and my own realization years earlier that spirituality and religion are not the same thing, that I decided to discuss the spirituality behind Paganism.  And it opened my eyes.

(to be continued)

I realize I haven’t posted in a few days.  I haven’t really been sure what to say.   I’ve had some pretty amazing experiences that have thrown me into some … profound looks at myself, who I’ve become, and how I’ve gotten here.  I’ve taken time to live, to laugh, to love, to socialize, to just be, to step up my yoga, to look back, and to look forward.  There’s far far too much on my mind to really roll it up neatly, trim the edges, and present on a platter here.  But it’s been so positive, while at the same time, being so momentous.

The long and short… I’ve found myself again.  I hadn’t realized I was losing myself, but there it is.  And I’ve been finding what I need to do to get back to that.  It never really left me.  It’s just been buried by fear.  So simple.

Cryptic.  Whatever, I don’t care.  I’m finding peace again, and REAL hope.  Not just hope that my fears won’t come true, but hope that is born out of beauty.

I’m probably going to extend this silence for a while.  I really haven’t been keeping up with anybody else, and I apologize.  But right now, there is … far too much work to do HERE.

I love you all for being here for me through this.  More than I can express.

It just recently came to my attention that my blog was hiding posts on everybody or something. Sorry about that everyone! I had done an upgrade, and one of my security plugins stopped working. Should be ok now though. Sorry for the inconvenience! And a big thank you to Erin and Mary!

Today has been a good day so far, and it’s only 3:30pm.  I’ve managed to do a whole bunch of things today, things that I have been putting off for far too long.  It’s amazing how many things have stacked up for me.  But then again, I’ve kinda been avoiding dealing with my life for a while.  That’s pretty hard to admit.  Obvious maybe, but still hard to admit.

One of the things I have managed to do today, is CLEAN.  I’m talking, CLEAN.  Spring style.  The house hasn’t looked this good in… well, since before I moved back in.   I am l-o-o-o-v-i-n-g it.  It’s like a huge weight off my shoulders.  *deeeeep inhale*  Ahhhhh…. *pats himself on the back*

I haven’t really been right since she moved back down there.  I’ve been scared, and I’ve been lonely, and I’ve been avoiding dealing with my life.  I do miss her so much… all the Gods and Goddesses I miss her so much.  She was and is the brightest thing I have ever seen in my life, and I have cherished every single second of being close with her.  I miss that feeling in my life, I miss it so much.  And even though I believe in the strength of it, and I believe that it’s still there for both of us, I’m still scared like, maybe that’s not going to be good enough for her, and .. maybe I will lose that.  The most amazing thing I have ever seen or believed in in my entire life.  The strength of it.  The sheer holy fucking joy of it.  Her.  The most beautiful person inside and out I have ever met.

I’ve been afraid because … I have no job.  I have no prospects.  I have no money.  I have debt stacking up against me.  I’m pretty terrified on this front.  I have had some bright blessings, but I am far from out of the woods.

… but now …

I’ve been trying to live my life more.  I’ve been taking more time for myself.  I’ve been getting myself out of the house.  I’ve been taking time to have fun by myself.  Having time where I am by myself.  Time to cry.  And believe me, I cry.

And as always, life goes on.  It’s so rare to ever find anything that DOES happen at an ideal time.  But things always tend to happen … NOW.  They happen in the present.  And part of living in the present, is dealing with them in the present.  Take the bad for now I guess, and appreciate the high points that much more … whenever.  There’ll be more high points in my life …. some day.  For now, there is today.  And I’m going to enjoy the high points in today.  And not just the high points, but the low points too.  And the shit that I have been putting off for far too long, like cleaning this house.  And I’m going to be thankful for all of it.  While my life would be the happiest I could picture it with her, I won’t be miserable without her.  I refuse to be.  But for now, yes, damnit I’m going to hurt.  Right now I have time to feel.  I have time to live the highs, and I have time to live the lows.

It’s a pretty rollercoastery day.  I’ve flip flopped back and forth quite a bit.

I’m pretty much just writing straight everything I’m thinking down.

I hope this isn’t too hard on anybody.

… it’s pretty hard on me …

but even so…

it’s a good day.

=)

*big hugs to you all*

I was going through my LiveJournal account yesterday, looking for a specific picture to share with somebody, and ran across this poem. A little over a year ago I was still struggling with Herne entering my life, and wrote this. Maybe later I’ll share more about this all.

Darkly rare and radiant
standing proud in frozen field.
Expression savagely sapient,
eyes deep and blackish steeled.
Haze hangs heavily, gray and swollen
and echoes of breath are subtly stolen,
while sight yet grows more sharply cruel
and growing panic establishes rule.
More beast than man, yet man still so
and even more than one can feel:
hard, godlike, His power flows
Do I run or humbly kneel?

Ok, so I’ve been seeing a sentiment crop up more and more lately, that has really been setting my teeth on edge.  The sentiment goes as such:  ”The passion and fire in a relationship, that IN-LOVE feeling is something that will always fade the longer you are in the relationship.  This is just something that we can make ourselves feel for anyone.  What’s more important is just having love, and not being able to picture being apart.”

Ok, I’ll agree that love itself is very important to a relationship.  But being afraid to be apart?  That’s not healthy.  Wanting to be close is fine, but being afraid to be apart is not.  It’s more than possible to be and STAY in love with somebody even over a distance or time.  And I am absolutely livid about this sentiment towards BEING IN LOVE being something that will always fade over time.  There are many couples out there, who even 50 years later, are still looking at each other with such a fire and passion as to make one want to look away out of respect.  The statement that it DOESN’T exist says to somebody, “I can’t possibly be expected to be passionate and in love with you for the long haul.  You’re not THAT great.  But look, I can pretend to be, and that’s just as good!”

What the fuck is that?  This sentiment seems to be used by people who DON’T have that passion for somebody, but are too scared to acknowledge what that really means about their relationship.  Yes, RELATIONSHIPS take work.  The only time being IN LOVE takes work, is when that passion isn’t there.  Without passion, what do you have left besides a comfort-zone and a co-dependent attachment?  If you really believe that, what does that say about the person you are in a relationship with?  If you aren’t that passionate about someone, why even bother?  And how dare you say that to someone you love.  Look what you’re telling them.  ”You aren’t something I can stay passionate about.”  You’re effectively tearing that person down, and that is NOT an act of love.

What does that do to their sense of self worth?  What does it to do yours when directed at you?

What is it besides your own projected fear that you’re not good enough to ever find it for yourself, or that you don’t even possibly deserve it.

I think it’s a sentiment that’s thrown around by people who have never found somebody they ARE that passionate about, and are scared they never will.  And that’s just sad.

What you’re left with, without that flame, without that passion, is nothing more than an unhealthy attachment.  There may still be love there.  There probably will be.  The human capacity for love can extend to ALL people.  This is the danger of attachment.  Love and attachment to a person are a recipe for misery.  But what then, is being IN-LOVE, if not another form of attachment?  I hold that there are healthy, and unhealthy forms of attachment.  Being attached to something that fills your being, fans the flames, stirs your passion, makes you smile, puts a spring in your step, what have you … these are positive frames of mind, a state of being present, of being nurturing to ourselves, and we should all strive to seek out and grab on to those things in our life that reflect that.  To hold on to the positive.  This is more about affirmation, than attachment.  Being attached to something because of fear, afraid to let go, because you don’t know what you would do otherwise…. this is unhealthy.  It’s fear, pure and simple.  And it’s an attachment that the sentiment above propagates.

It’s a sentiment that is used to prolong attachments to our fears.   When somebody tells us, “You’re not that good, maybe this is the best you can expect” … well, words do have power, especially if we’re already struggling with out sense of self-worth.  It’s a dangerous sentiment, because it is FAR more common to find people who our passion fades for, it’s far more common that we have a low sense of self-esteem to begin with, than it is to believe in ourselves or to find those rare ones who our passion grows for.  Who everytime we’re together we see and feel that bond and stand in amazement, unable to control the flow of positive emotions that demand we continue to grow that.  We should want to draw closer out of a sense of passion and celebration, not out of a fear of losing.  It’s dangerous, because it gives us an excuse to stay chained to fear and low sense of self-worth.

For me, I’ll hold out for, “I DO feel that passion for you, it grows every day, and we magnify that in each other.”

For me, that’s the kind of relationship that’s going to be worth having.  Mutually shared passion, that feeds and grows and magnifies each other.  I’ve tried the other kind.  It doesn’t keep me happy for long.  If I’m not somebody my mate can remain passionate about, then what does that say about how they view me?  And what does that do my own self-esteem?

If I should always believe in myself, if I should love myself, how can I settle for anything less than somebody who believes and loves me that deeply as well?

And if I found that with somebody, how can the sentiment of fear and attachment masquerading as “good enough” ever really be good enough?

That’s the way I see it anyways.  I like my way better.  It speaks more true to my heart.  Settle for nothing but the best.  I could be happy for a while without that, but it really wouldn’t be living to my full potential.

In other news, I took the kids to a play date at my friend’s house yesterday.  Her daughter and the kids played for several hours, and they all had a really good time.  I got to catch up with her, and just hang out and talk, and so I had a good time as well.  It’s nice to have some actual interaction with another adult from time to time.  I love my kids to pieces, but they only manage to fill part of what I need out of life.  Simple conversation with another adult is something they can’t pull off (yet).

Tonight we’re going to have dinner at my parents’ house.  They know how badly I’m hurting in the wallet right now, so my mom offered to pick us all up after she gets out of work, and help our diminished grocery bill by providing dinner tonight.  So that’ll be nice.  I do confess that I’m often kind of bored at their house, as there’s little for me to do over there, but on the other hand, it’s good to get out of THIS house every once in a while.  Something I’ve been doing a lot more lately.

Saturday at noon I’m going to my friend Tim’s house, and we’re going to do yoga.  That should be fun!

Still, with the recent rise in hanging out and spending time with others, ultimately the responsibility for getting out of the house and living my life beyond these walls lies with me, whether there is somebody to do that with or not.  This is why I have been spending so much more time going for walks in the woods.  I don’t NEED somebody else to be able to live my life.  I’m fully capable of doing it on my own.  Yes, it’s more fun to share that with friends, family, a lover, what have you.  But at the end of the day, the responsibility to do so ALWAYS lies with me.  It’s my responsibility to make those wonderful things in my life happen, and they WON’T if I’m too afraid to grab onto them.  It’s my responsibility to get out and take care of myself, to live my life.  It’s my responsibility to make friends to share it with.  It’s my responsibility to take the initiative to call them up.  I’ve always been one who will wait for others to ask me.  I’m learning to have the balls to take that responsibility on myself more.  It’s a two way street, and after neglecting my part in friendships for so long, it’s up to ME to bridge those gaps, and make those calls.  That’s the part of relationships that takes work.

So that’s how things are looking right now.  Over the past two years, now, or in the future, I haven’t been, and won’t accept anything but the REAL DEAL as far as love and in-love goes, I’m not going to be drawn into anything because somebody else doesn’t know what the real thing actually feels like.  I’m not going to stay somewhere because I’m afraid to jump.  I’m not going to accept that nobody could possibly breathe passion with me even after we’re familiar with each other.  I deserve better than that.  And if I’m in a relationship, the person I’m with deserves that as well.  I mean, that was the whole POINT of getting this divorce in the first place.  Jamie and I both deserved better.  If you don’t have that passion for someone, then you really aren’t going to be able to just “fake it ’til you make it.”  We all deserve the real deal.  Every single one of us.  And most of all I deserve to believe in myself enough to accept nothing less than that.  That held true when I left Jamie, and it holds just as true today.

Behind lie engines
gearing through their paces
busy people with busy lives
eyes straight ahead
focused on the day to day
hands on the wheel
foot hovering hesitantly
between brake and gas
and I turn my back on it
and face the water,
face the north
and watch the waves
slurping slowly at the sand
watching
the water come closer,
causing small seashells
to dance and flutter
lifelessly on the beach,
a cool air surrounding me
and a sun setting slowly to the left
no hands on the wheel
no control and no desire
to punch the gas
or stomp on the brakes
merely lean back and
let my hair stir listlessly
content for now to be
along for the ride.

Let me start off by saying that firstly, no, I did not get in a car accident.  Secondly, that this is a long rambling post, and I’ve been writing it for several hours, so if it gets too difficult to read, I do apologize.

I was going back over some poetry I had wrote at the end the year, and I ran across this.  It’s still pretty much in its raw form.  It’s definitely something for me to keep in mind right now.  I’m still getting panicky, I’m still afraid.  But I remember what this felt like, writing this poem, and it’s helping to calm me down.  Time apart isn’t so bad when you know you’ll be seeing each other again soon.  Still not quite close to “soon”, but … soon enough I suppose.  I really want to talk so bad.   And while most of that is a genuine desire to share company and conversation with her, there is part of that which  is also worry that in some way, the reality of who we are when we’re together will be forgotten about if we don’t talk for so long, and then, so too will I be forgotten.

I see the car moving, and my hands aren’t on the wheel.  That can be pretty effing scary.  I control every other aspect of my life, and have for a good … wow, almost 2 years now since I first separated and struck out on my own.  I have been living an independent lifestyle, living alone, making it all by myself for almost 2 years now.  I’ve worked, parented, struggled, fought, paid, loved, laughed, listened, shared, cried, and died several times over in that time-frame.  And some of those times were happy, and some of those times were sad.  And some of those times were the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life, and I can still remember those times.  I want to grab on to that part of my life that grew those happy times, not just the memories, but the reality of it that made it happen in the first place, to grab onto that and live it and live it hard.  I deserve to be that happy.  Everybody deserves to be that happy.  There’s no way I deserve it more than you or anybody else.

I accidentally stumbled on an old conversation this morning, and it made my heart melt and my tears flow with the tenderness, love, lust, connection, passion and sheer adoration in it.  And if there’s ever been anything that has stood in the way of that, it’s been fear.  It’s something I have no control over.  There’s no steering wheel on this car, the brakes have been cut, there’s a weight on the accelerator, and I’m in the passenger seat looking for the “oh shit” handle, scared to hell too.  I don’t need to park the car in the driveway or nothing, but it would be nice if it didn’t drive over the edge of a cliff too.  That’s the shit about having no control.  You just have no idea what is going to happen.

That’s the scary thing about starting anything new too, though.  It’s new.  It’s the unexpected.  It’s the unknown.  Every day we are handed more and more of these.  Every day is the start of something new.  Every day we are given the present, and there is no telling what will happen.  The best we can hope to do is to do the best we can with each day.  This is where I want to keep the car on the road.  This road fills my heart, and this road makes me feel alive.  Fuck fear.  How many times had her and I ever gotten together, scared what it was going to be like together after so long, and how many times were all those fears unnecessary.  Some things burn bright no matter how dark the horizon is.   And I think that the best I can do, is find those things, and to fan the flames.

That just happens to be one of them.

I’m fanning the flames of my kids, being the best dad I can be for them.

I’m striking furiously with steel and flint at a pile of dried grass where work is, but it’s something.  ;)

The thing is, as much as I talk about love, and this person I love… that’s just a part.  I’m already living the others parts of my life as best as I can, or working on it.  I am always trying to do better.  The love is the part that I’m missing terribly right now,  all the more so because of an added silence on top of it.  I’m not only missing my truest and most precious love, I’m missing my best friend.  I’m missing the most amazing person I have ever met on the face of this earth, and the loss of that weighs and tugs at me.  This is a person that not only do I feel all this for, but one who understands me deeper than anyone ever has, who I have bared my soul to, told my darkest and deepest secrets to, shared our fears and hopes with, shared the brightest times of my life with, magnified the best in me, and whom I helped do the same for, who suffered with me through a tragic loss,  who stood with me and looked to the future with a mutual hunger to grab onto that as hard as we could and never let go.  I fear the loss of all of that, because there is so much there.  There is everything I had always looked for, and more.   Is it any wonder I want to try to keep the car on the road?

So at the same time, if I try to control this car, the movements will become exaggerated, the car will veer sharply, and go plummeting off the cliff.  So here is where things come down to trust.  This is where it’s important to just be present in the moment.  To acknowledge, yes, I AM afraid of losing that, thank you very much.  I have never seen a more undeniably perfect couple as when we’re  together.  I’ve never met somebody I was more sure about wanting to share my love with, who stirred my passion so deeply.  To me, THAT is what’s really worth hanging on to.  I am very much afraid of losing that.  I am expending so much energy WORRYING about losing that, and trying to prevent it, that the focus of that energy is all on … losing that.

Woah, not cool man, I believe in that whole “mind over matter” thing.

Do I have it in me to acknowledge this fear, to know I’m afraid, to know that there IS no way to know, and just … let go of the wheel, lean back, and enjoy this ride, wherever it takes me?  Can I have enough trust in the Gods and in myself to know that I’ll be alright, that my past is not the culmination of my existence?  No matter what happens, good or ill, there’s always going to be a tomorrow, and I’m always going to try to live it the best I can.  Who knows.  I’m not going to give up if things don’t go the way I’d prefer.  Life doesn’t end.  The sun will still come up.  Etcetera, ad infinitum.

I believe.  I believe fear can be faced and acknowledged and dealt with rationally, that it can me redirected so that one can meet the best life ever.  I do truly believe that.  I’m trying to live that every day.  Because when it’s time for my hands to be on the wheel, when I am in the drivers’ seat, believe me, I’m driving the hell out of this car.  That’s the way I want to live my life.  To the absolute FULLEST, enjoying every bit of it.  Good company, community, passion, intellectual stimulation, family, romance, love, equality, my closest friend, a spiritual connection, independence, partnership and mind blowing sex.  2-3 times a day.  Minimum.  ;)

That’s worth seeing how useless it is to panic when my hands aren’t on the wheel right?  That’s worth acknowledging that fear of the unknown, and stepping forward intent on focusing on having the best life possible, to be the happiest I can be right?  No more worrying that things change.  No more fearing the unknown, but embracing the moment as a gift, and always, ALWAYS living it to the fullest.

*leans back, hair blowing in the wind, and tries to get comfortable in the passenger seat*

Ok, I’d really like to thank my friends for being there for me.  After 2 hours of steady sobbing, I’m feeling a lot more calm and balanced, and I had a really great friend to talk through some of this with.  I really DID want to share more about my trip to the forest with the kids, so I’m back now to give it the full attention it so richly deserves.

After reading so many people talking today about how beautiful it was outside, I was determined to get out there and enjoy it.  It really dried up out there quite a bit from yesterday, so we went outside, and got the wagon cleaned up from its lonely winter in the elements.  We brought along some juice, and the camera, and I proceeded to walk the … *thinks* … 10-11 blocks to the woods.  That alone took a lot of effort.  Spent a lot of the trip trying to prepare the kids for proper woodland behavior, ie., if you want to see animals, we have to be VERY QUIET!  Quieter!  No, quiet!  Shush!  *sighs*  You know… that old chestnut.

We got there, and for once the place was actually open.  I usually go after it closes, which leaves me free to enjoy it without the presence of other human beings around.  We stopped at the office and made sure to check with the DNR that it would be ok to take a wagon onto the trails.  She assured us it was, though we’d probably find it was really muddy out there.  Well, yes, but I’d already determined which trails were wagon-traversable last night.  So off we went.  In retrospect, I wish we would have found someplace safe to stash the wagon, though it did come in handy in a couple wet spots.

So off we went on the trails, and even if the kids could have been quiet (they couldn’t), the wagon rolling over dead leaves was NOT quiet.  At all.  Erin was pretty mellow about the whole ordeal, but at least she was quiet.  Milo was super excited, and so of course, couldn’t contain himself.  He got to learn all sorts of neat things, like what oak leaves look like, what a birch tree looks like, boys can pee anywhere they want easily in the woods, etc.  Hehe.  At one point, we stopped at a bench, because daddy needed a break from pulling a wagon over soft, rough terrain.  Milo had elected to walk, and I let him as long as the ground wasn’t too wet, but it was still heavy going pulling that thing.  Anyways, we’re stopped at a bench, and there’s a bug on my hooded sweatshirt.  I tried to blow it off (not like that) and Milo says, “No, don’t do that daddy, I want to look at it!”  I obliged him, and he tell’s me, “It’s a baby fly!  How fascinating!”  LOL!  His phrasing cracks me up sometimes.  Such a great vocabulary for 5 years old.

Anyways, he then informs me he has to poop.  By my estimate, we’re about 2 and a half miles from home at this point, and have no toilet paper with us.  Great!  I advise him to hold it, and cut our trip short, taking the main loop out.  Through this whole time, we haven’t seen a single animal, and they’re getting louder and louder.  I kind of began losing my temper and told them there was no way we were EVER going to see any animals as long as they kept asking me every 30 seconds.  Trying to explain that this wasn’t the zoo, it was the wild, and the animals are scared of lots of noise.  Felt really bad about it, because… they’re just kids, and I’m trying to instill in them a love of the outdoors, not yell at them.  So, felt pretty hangdog over that on the way out.

Then on top of that, the day was perfect.  The smells of sunshine and heat and moisture evaporating, dead leaves, grass greening up, pools of water that have yet to stagnate, warm breezes…. the kind of days I live for.  And for some reason, this just kept making me tear up on our way out.  Knowing how perfect the day was.  Well.  Almost perfect.  It was definitely missing just one more thing to really classify as perfect, and I could feel that absence like a lead weight on my heart.  That’s where I really started falling apart today.

Anyways, we managed to stop at a huge gathering of frawrgs (frogs) on the way out.  SO MANY FRAWRGS!  These weren’t the kind that go “Meep-Meep” either… but the really full throated bullfrogs, tons of them, all singing at the top of their lungs.  It was LOUD.  We managed to see one swimming around, but for the most part, they all stayed well hidden, and despite the kids insistance they should be able to go down and look for them, we let them STAY hidden.  Daddy can be so unfair.

After that, a long, long, long walk back home.  My thighs, they hurts.  My hands, they are developing calluses.  My feet are SORE.  But really, a worthwhile trip, and I’m glad we got to do it.  It was really close to perfect for me, and the KIDS thought it was great, so I guess that’s good enough for me today.

I had a post lined up about how I took my kids to the woods today.  Was going to go all into detail and stuff, but I’m unaccountably bawling and am having a hard time even … whatever.  I can barely even hold it together right now.  I think this hurts more and gets harder every passing day.  Stuff.  I don’t want to do this anymore.

So here’s the pictures instead.