old man sutton

The adventures through life and spirit of a single father, lover and man.

I spend a good part of my weekend hiking through the Green Point Nature Center, part of the Shiawassee National Wildlife Refuge.  Took a lot of photos, and thought I would share them all with you here!  If you click on any picture, you will be able to view them as a full sized slideshow.

Things of special note:

• Deer, deer, deer!
• Birch trees!
• Tree roots on an eroded riverbank.
• Things getting more green!
• Yours truly.  ;)

Enjoy!

A good morning to you all!  I had a bit of a crazy night, as I ended up falling asleep on the couch with my netbook on my lap.  I ended up waking up around 2:30am and getting settled down more appropriately and finishing up my night’s slumber.  Oddly enough, I just received my horoscope for the day, and the time I woke up was just as the Moon began to enter Sagittarius.  Perhaps it’s not relevant to anything, but I DO find this interesting.  VERY interesting.

I believe those who regularly comment are all in with their questions at this point, and I’m itching to answer!  First however, in a nod to the title of the previous post, I thought I would share the video for the song on which it was based.  From the 1956 film version of the Rodgers & Hammerstein musical, The King and I, the song and video for “Getting To Know You.”

And with that, on to the questions!

Erin asked: “Barring Neil Gaiman, because I already know what you think of him, what author, living or dead, would you like to be able to invite to dinner and have a discussion? Why?”

Ah Erin, my love of Neil Gaiman you know well!  But despite the fact that he’s one of my three favorite authors, the author I would MOST like to invite to dinner and have a discussion with would in fact be Patrick F. McManus.  In fact, it’s been a long standing life goal of mine to go fishing with him.  Pat McManus writes humorous articles and short stories about the outdoors, be they categorized as fishing, hunting, camping, etc.  His humorous take on everything from outdoor sport to childhood has always made me laugh, long and hard.  Through the humor however, there is a love of the outdoors that shines through, and meshes well with the same love I have held since my own childhood.  My father first introduced me to this author, and it’s been a long running “gag” that I get him a Pat McManus book every Christmas.  Sometimes I would even let him read the book first!  LOL.  For my money, there could be no higher honor, than a fishing trip with this wonderful author and outdoorsman.

Mary asked: “How did you decide on following the Celtic path? Had you had experiences with other paths prior?“

Good question!  I had little or no experience or knowledge with Paganism before a year or two, when I suddenly was introduced to the concept by somebody I had an enormous amount of love and respect for.  This forced me to really stop and look at the topic honestly.  At the time, she said I was one of the most truly Pagan people she had met, and in retrospect, she was right.  Prior to this time, I had begun to open the doors of my spirituality to the teachings of other faiths beyond Christianity, and was finding both similarities in the teachings, as well as other teachings that I found meshed well with my understanding of what was both good and divine.  After taking the time to open my ears and eyes to what Paganism was really about, I didn’t so much choose, as Herne/Cernunnos chose me.  I realize he’s not reliably a Celtic God in the terms of the Irish Celts, although there remains a question as to if he may be so to the Gaulish Celts.  I also adopted Brighid during this time, which explains the more Irish Celtic views.  I find the druidic love of nature and lore to fit really well with my own personality.  I feel a strong, deep affinity for the natural world, and this path seems to best represent and nurture that bond.  At the end of the day however, I don’t follow a strictly Celtic path.  It’s what I’m learning at the moment, but my personal path is actually an eclectic blend of Christianity, Buddhism, Paganism, Taoism, and will continue to grow and expand as time goes by.  I think the best term one could use to designate my path, would be a path of mysticism and divine spirituality.  I however, just choose to refuse to really label myself at all.

Moonwolf asked: “Of the four elements, which one are you most drawn to and why? Is there one, or does it change? If it changes, why?“

Another really good question, and one that I have been pondering since your comment hit.  I also have been considering adding the fifth element, of “Love” or “Spirit” or even, if you follow the Discworld series of books, “Surprise”.  Hehe.  But you’re asking about the more common four, Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water.  I think the element I am most drawn to is Fire.  There is something hypnotic and powerful about fire.  Its energy is readily felt, and is highly transformative.  I work well with fire, and have a deep and unyielding respect for it.  That said however, sometimes it seems as if Air is drawn strongly to me, often matching my moods and whims.  Soft playful breezes, gale force winds, I love them all.  Water has always kind of scared me.  I’m not a strong swimmer, and have a hard time with water.  However, when in its frozen state, I love and work well with water.  Earth of course, is one that is always there, and is so necessary I barely even notice.  Burying my toes in the sand, and enjoying all the gifts that grow from Earth.  So yes, I suppose my favorite changes, depending on which element I am currently facing.  I love them all, and I think this really helps balance and strengthen that fifth element inside of me, Spirit.

Mother Moon asked: “Besides people, what is the one thing that lifts your spirits most and why?“

One of the most uplifting things, besides people, in terms of my spirits, is something that is fast approaching.  For me, the Springtime is something I am STRONGLY connected to.  When the temperatures get into the 50’s, when the earth is damp, when the grass starts getting green, when the flowers start to poke out of the ground, when things start to grow, when the breeze plays across my face and tousles my hair, I experience such a state of euphoria that is nearly undescribable.  When Spring comes, I feel the most alive, the most energetic, the most positive and upbeat.  I walk around with a damned silly grin on my face, and I can’t concentrate on much at all except how fantastic I feel.  This is the time of year I most enjoy walking through the woods, welcoming nature as it comes back to life.  And I respond in kind, welcoming back life, vitality, positive energy.  For me, besides people, THIS is the thing in life that most makes my spirits sing.

Rue asked: “I would like to hear about the kids. What are they like? What do they like to do? Climb trees, tea parties, camping? What’s your favourite part of being a dad?“

I have two children.  A 5 year old son named Milo, and a 2 year old girl named Erin.  Milo is a serious sort of boy, though underneath this he has a silly and crazy side that can be rather … rambunctious at times.  So it is with ALL five year old boys though.  Erin is a model of calm and cheerful, except when she is tired.  She has always been the most peaceful of children, in terms of getting along with.  They both like playing outside, though Milo’s love of insects terrifies Erin.  Milo is insanely into dinosaurs, and knows more about them now than I ever did or probably ever will.  I tell him he should be a paleontologist when he grows up, and he agrees.  Erin has all the makings of a tom boy, though she also already has a major shoe fetish.  I don’t know where that comes from.  In a world of post divorce, the kids only really ever have each other on a constant basis, so while they get into their fair share of bickering and other assorted sibling rivalries, they are very close to each other.  I love them both to death, though of course, they can wear me down so fast.  I am trying to nurture more positive behaviors in them, and am looking forward to getting out the wagon and taking them on walks in the woods again.  It’s something my dad always did with us as kids, and is something I want to do for my children as well.  They’re both intelligent, and highly inquisitive.  Milo thrives on fact based information, and has had an astonishing vocabulary and grasp of word usage since he was very young.  Erin has a mind that is suited to complex problem solving skills with little information, and always amazes me with what she can figure out on her own.  My favorite part of being a dad, are the moments when the kids are well behaved, and attentive.  Receiving such a strength of love and adoration from my children, makes ANY and ALL of the more difficult parts totally worthwhile.  There is no greater feeling when one of them will come up to me out of the blue, give me a hug, and tell me how much they love me.  That’s really what makes parenting all worthwhile for me.

And so, with that, I’ve exhausted the questions for today.  Please feel free, any of you, new readers and old alike, to ask questions.  I found this experiment to be very uplifting and meaningful, and I enjoyed it a lot.  I hope you will too.  Now if you’ll all excuse me, there are some Jehovah’s Witnesses at my door, offering me even more literature to broaden my spiritual horizons with.  ;)  Wishing you all a blessed Saturday!

This morning I’ve been reading over my blog archives here, and notice that I tend to have a recurring set of themes.  In an effort to introduce a little more variety and interest, I’ve decided that today I’m going to open up the floor for questions.  Is there anything about me or my thoughts anybody would like to know?

If so, feel free to ask questions here in the comments section, and I will do my best to answer it/them in the next post.  Nothing is out of bounds, feel free to ask anything!  I do however reserve the right to NOT answer, however.  ;)  Perhaps if this goes well, or there is enough interest I could make this a weekly feature.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

There are times in the lives of all of us that define us.  Times where we are forced to test what we are made of.  Times that push us beyond our limits, out of our comfort zones, where we must stand or fall.  To live in such times, brings us great fear.  We gnash our teeth, and question the fairness.  We wish that we would never have lived to see such times, we hope that they can’t happen in our lifetimes.  All of us who have ever had to experience this, question why.  While we often reach these times through paths of our own choosing, at the same time often there is no avoiding them.  It does no good to wonder why us, why now.  The times come, and it matters little why.  What matters is what we do with them.

When hope fades, when fear reigns, when pain becomes unbearable, when the odds are stacked against us, when everything seems impossible … these are indicators we have reached such times.  Our normal reaction is to cower, to hide, to give up.  We wish to deny the reality of such times.  We lose our hope, we lose our ways.  We slow down, take stock, and stop.  The fear of change, of overcoming the odds, of facing the darkness with our own meager light is powerful.  The longer we stand still and figure the odds, the harder it becomes to move again.  We begin to tell ourselves we are weak, that we can not possibly face these fears, that there is no way we can succeed.  Perhaps we approached such times from a place of strength, but as the time becomes more difficult, we succumb more and more to the fear, to the pain, and wish to retreat back to our comfort zones.

Facing adversity in such times is hard.  But we are made of sterner stuff, we who are human.  We have many stories and tales, both fictitious and founded in fact, where we overcome the odds.  Where armies who are outnumbered choose to fight, despite being outnumbered.  Where individuals with the world stacked against them soldier bravely onward.  Where one who has been knocked down repeatedly continues to get back up and try again.  We understand that perhaps we are destined to lose, but we get back up and face this with courage.  We stand, we fight.  We strive to overcome.  There is a light within us all that can not be extinguished, if we chose to see it.

Perhaps at times we still fail, but we fail knowing we have faced the situation to the best of our abilities.  We have faced our fears and proved our worth.  And yes, oftentimes we find we can overcome.  Our will is a powerful thing, and often has little to do with reality.  While we live and breathe, while our heart beats, while there is an ounce of blood in our veins or a breath left in our lungs, we can continue to push on, to strive to overcome, despite the fear, the sorrow, the pain.  We are unique, in that we can bend the odds around us, and charge through the odds, meeting success regardless.

Sometimes, when we look into the darkness, we can see no light through the other side, and so, struggle to remain in the light we know.  But the darkness stays there, lingering, beckoning, and waiting to be faced.  It spreads through time, growing darker, deeper.  We can not hide from it forever.  Truth must be faced, reality must be acknowledged.  Despite the odds against us.  Whether this is facing the reality of a relationship whose time is over, a love that is not enough and never will be, financial ruin, or even death itself.  Eventually, all things change, and all things must be acknowledged.  There is no life without risk or change.  There is no happiness without sorrow.  There is no light without the darkness.  There is no hope without adversity.  The only way to live, to find happiness, to realize hope, is to accept the road ahead of us.  We can not change these things, we can not run from them or hide from them forever.  They will catch up to us eventually.  It does not matter how we got here, for we are here.  It is NOW.  What matters now, is how we face them.

In my veins, I bear the blood of my ancestors.  I bear their memories.  I feel the times my people have faced the odds, have struggled, and have stood fast and true.  All things change, and often in ways we wish they wouldn’t.  There is no going back.  There is only ever forwards.  We can not mourn the past forever, we can not pick up the threads of a life that has ceased to be true.  Some truths are not strong enough to move forward with.  There is only honesty and acceptance, despite how scary this may be.  In a couple short years I have been forced to accept many of these.

Despite loving my ex-wife, despite our children, despite the vows I had made to her, despite the things we could have done to find more happiness … despite all this, I lacked a fire for her.   I had to face the unthinkable, and say goodbye to the life we had.  I had to accept us as who we truly were.  There was and always will be love between us, but it is a love that is without passion.  We had problems communicating, with intimacy, with honesty, and accepting each other for who we were.  These were the problems of our marriage, very real problems.  And all problems that could be addressed, had they but stood on their own.  But more than being problems, they were side effects.  They were not the cause, but the consequences of a deeper problem.  A love without passion, a love that despite both our desires and hopes that it could have been enough, never could be.  Always underneath was the knowledge that we would always desire more.  That our passions lie elsewhere than with each other.  Perhaps I did reach deep enough into the core of her to awake a passion for me.  Perhaps.  Through time though, she has come to see that she lacked that for me, despite her protestations in the face of losing me.  She was forced to face her fears, to face the darkness, and in doing so, found change and truth.  As did I.  The sorrow was unimaginable.  To give up all I had worked for, to give up all that I had hoped we could be.  To give up the family I had tried so hard to create, the love I tried so hard to tend … no matter my fears at losing that, the truth was … it wasn’t there.  Only by facing that truth, and accepting it, have I been able to progress beyond that fear, and stand ready to face the future.

And what a future it has been.  Looking back, I knew this would be hard, but I had no idea how hard it was going to be.  I knew I would likely struggle to make ends meet, but I had no idea it would be this hard.  I knew I would be heartbroken, but I had no idea how close my heart would come to being destroyed.  I knew my children would suffer, but I didn’t really think the aftereffects would be so far reaching.  I knew things would never be the same, but I had no idea how much they would change.  I had hoped we would be able to remain close, but even with how well we get along, there is a distance now that can not be bridged.  I closed the doors, I burned the bridge, I shed my tears, and despite the fact that things have been so much more difficult and tragic, more painful than I ever thought I could bear, I have beared it.   I have faced it.  I have come out on the otherside, and I have found hope.  I have found I am still alive, that life goes on, and there are still futures spread before me.  There is no going back.  There is only ever forward.

I find myself in financial ruin.  I am so far behind on all my bills that I see no hope.  I have income that barely provides groceries and gasoline, yet life goes on and every month the debt against me stacks and grows and builds.  I stand the risk of losing my house.  My water has been off for almost a week.  My phone is shut off.  My internet is shut off.  Soon, I’m sure my gas and electric will be disconnected.  I owe thousands in back taxes to the city.  I owe thousands to the utility company.  I owe tens of thousands to my mortgage company.  I don’t currently own auto insurance.  I sit here day after day, trying to find work and failing.  I see no hope.  I see only everything stacked against me.  I long to give up.  I am afraid to act, afraid to move, afraid to even answer the phone and listen to another harassing debt collector.  I am afraid of losing everything I own.  I am afraid of continuing forward.  But even more so, I am afraid of not doing so.  If I give up, if I turn my back on everything I have accepted, everything I have found to be true, I am afraid that I will cease to live and cease to have my opportunity to find the truth of why I set out on this path in the first place.  Some days it is SO TEMPTING to just call her up, and look to put the past behind us, to grab on to the love we still share, to pick that back up, and to have my comfort zone back.  It is a strong urge, that I fight.  It might work, we might find happiness even, but I know I would not be truly living.  The doorway to that path was opened by another.  And that’s been scary from the get go.

Despite how much that terrifies me, it terrifies me even more to ignore that.  And now… the one who DID open that door for me, the love of my life, she must face her own darkness.  To look through the broken pieces of her own self, and reclaim the truth that led to that breakage.  And while she does this, I still must stand and fight.  I can no more run from the truth of my own dark night than she can hers.  I have to stand and fight.  I have to remain strong.  While there is even a shred of hope left for me, while there is but a breath left in my body, I can not run.  I can not hide.  These are the times that define us, and while I am afraid to face this, I am more afraid of turning by back and giving up.  No more backwards.  No more standing still.  There is only forwards, and I am made of sterner stuff.  There is always hope, despite the harshness of the truth.  Despite how hopeless my life may seem, I will always stand and fight, to my dying breath.  There is no reward without risk, and for the stakes I’m playing for, there can be no greater rewards.  I am playing for the future, for LIFE, for TRUTH.  I will stand, and I face this, and I will fight.

I wish her the same steel and strength as she faces her own night, and pray that I can be as strong.  Change comes whether I want it to or not.  And I will be standing on the other side, even if I end up standing alone.  To do anything less would be to deny the truth of myself.  I am part of Deity, and I will continue to act as such.  So mote it be.

I haven’t had a lot to say lately, have barely taken time to even read other blogs.  I have a terribly heavy heart this past few days, and my mind is reeling as I try to readjust to some things.  To say this current situation is “hard” wouldn’t begin to scratch the surface, but it’ll have to do.  I have no desire to go into details.

I’ve been trying to hold on to myself through long walks in the woods.  I’ve begun my quest to understand all the Celtic trees both through knowledge and practical work, and hopefully will have built my own set of Ogham sticks by the time it is finished.  Last night I managed to collect my first, a birch twig, freely given, sitting at the base of a most beautiful tree.

And of course, in times of need, I always find Brighid a great comfort.   I’ve been working hard on her cross stitch since I posted my Imbolc update.  It’s a month later, so I thought I’d share the progress with you all.  Hope everybody’s weeks are going smoothly.

No matter what obstacles life may place

within the path I stride

I will meet these head on, face to face

not turning away to hide.

If there is a wall in my way?

Not hard, I will climb it.

If the wall is too high?

Not hard, I will go around it.

If the wall is too wide?

Not hard, I will break through it.

No wall can stand against me

my will can overcome all obstacles in my path

my faith will see me through

and all will turn out for the best.

So mote it be.

Good morning all! A very happy Wednesday to you. I’m currently adjusting to a new visitation schedule with the kids that will be in full effect next week. This week, there is a transition period. I have to admit I’m looking forward to this a LOT. I’ve had the kids every single weekend for the past year and a half, and I’m looking forward to having free weekends again! There was something relaxing about having weekdays as my weekends, but it’s not exactly conducive to having a social life. Everybody I know works, and so I’d spend my “days off” lonely and bored. Sure that’s fun and necessary once in a while, but I’m here to tell you that it drags on me. After a year and a half, I’m ready to have “adult” (not like that) time on the weekends again.

I’m also finding myself making a bit more effort on things that need to be happening internally in my own life. Tweaks here and there. I’m feeling a lot more positive lately as a result. Still have my emotional struggles in the day to day, but maintaining that positive outlook more and more regardless of that. Coming to greater understandings of some of the “why’s” in my personal relationships and circumstances. This week hasn’t been that kind to me so far, but that’s ok! I’m looking at life and saying, “OK! ENOUGH already, I get it, you can stop smacking me around.” Taking more time to listen. Spending some more time internally. It’s not really what I want right now, but if it’s necessary, then fighting it is just stupid. So that’s where I’m standing today.

You probably noticed by now that I’ve styled my blog a bit differently. It’s more personal and pleasing to me. I liked the old picture and colors, but these mean so much more to me. Also I see it as a way of honoring the coming spring and summer.

I’m thinking this morning, that I’d like to share some more about myself with you all. I’ve listed things I’m grateful for in the past. So today, I thought I’d share some confessions about myself instead. The good, the bad, and the hilarious.

I am a Gemini (sun sign), Aries (moon sign) and Virgo (ascending sign).

My father wanted to name me “Lunch Money”, and I’ve always thought that was the coolest thing ever, and I’m kind of disappointed he didn’t.

I am very stubborn and headstrong. I like to do things my OWN way. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been this way. The more somebody pushes me to do something, the more I fight. And when I make up my mind, it takes a lot to make me change it.

I still miss the good aspects of my old marriage from time to time. Some days the loss of that still make me cry. But I still believe I did the right thing, even if the cost was so high as to be nearly unbearable.

This morning while driving to pick up the kids, I burst into song in the car. I spontaneously made up and sang a song about how great it was to see the sun, and about dreams coming true. I sang it in a majestic baritone that surprised even myself, and it totally made my morning. I have to admit to being inspired by somebody close to me, and she figured largely into the lyrics. lol

I am still very much in love (you know who you are), and although the strength and depth of that emotion hasn’t faded with time (far from it), I’m understanding more how now isn’t the right time to jump into that. Not with so much work on self that still needs to be done, on both our parts. That was always and ever the point, and the strength of these emotions makes it hard to focus on that sometimes. Sure I’d still love to be able to embrace that from time to time and think that’d be ok, but I understand too how distracting and consuming that can become.

I do believe I found the right person for me, the one, even if we can’t have that right now.

I really want to learn how to blacksmith.

When I was in school, I played a musical instrument: the clarinet. I was mocked for this, playing a “girl’s instrument”, until years later the other guys suddenly realized that they were sitting segregated off in dude-land, while I was surrounded by women. Hehe, suckers.

I’m a hopeless, helpless romantic with the right person.

My water is currently shut off, and I took a shower this morning with two gallons of water in a jug. I’m looking at the positive of this, in that I’ve conserved water today.

I’m hopelessly in love with my kids, even if they do make me want to strangle them.

I love long car drives. I really miss driving down to Indiana, or home from Lansing early in the morning. It’s a long boring drive, but it’s exciting in its own way. Also, these are some of the only times I really have to blast my music at top volume and sing at the top of my lungs.

I’m a sucker for sunrises and sunsets. They’re so beautiful and romantic. The transition from day to night, and night to day, is a time full of such magical energy and potential.

I’m a total coffee snob. I live on strong coffee, love it, can’t get enough!

On the occasions I have to drink, I prefer red wine or Guinness. I normally limit myself to one or two.

My spiritual life has been rather un-extraordinary lately, and I really miss that.

I still like watching cartoons and playing with Legos. Having kids is like having a second childhood for myself, as I get to do these things all over again, lol!

There are certain spots in Richmond, Indiana, that are forever burned into my memory. Glenn Miller Park, and the Whitewater Gorge.

I’m a dork, and I’m ok with that.

I have three manifestations of the Divine that I specifically honor. I was chosen by Herne and Freyja, and I also chose Brighid.

I check myself out in the mirror, and I think I’m pretty hot. I’d hit that. LOL!

When I close my eyes there is only one person’s face there, and when I wake up in the mornings, one person who I always think of first.

I have a hard time accepting compliments, because I’m not used to them. I can be very hard on myself sometimes.

I believe in fairy tales, and that dreams can come true. I believe all we have to do to have those, is to grab onto them when we see them. And I believe we know when we see them.

I often walk barefoot in the snow.

My feet aren’t ticklish, unless I really really like you.

Despite how often I want to give up, I never really truly lose hope. Hope is what keeps me going.

I love nature. This one should be obvious, but. FOR REAL. I’m happiest when I’m outside.

I believe that while people change, there is a core person in all of us, our soul maybe, or what have you, that never changes, and this is the level we truly connect with people on.

Ever since last November, I have a very soft spot in my heart for elevators. Anytime I get in an elevator, I have the cheesiest grin on my face.

My last birthday was the best day of my entire life. Hands down. Waterfalls, love, nature in the upper peninsula. Camping, rivers, standing knee deep in a lake, hiking through hills, stands of lilacs. There’s no way I could ever express how beautiful that day and the preceding days were. But, that was honestly the BEST few days of my life, ever. I believe many more like that could be possible in the future.

I also confess that this post is getting incredibly long!

Wishing you all a wonderful Wednesday, much love to you all!

I know I’ve been coming out with a lot of negativity lately.  Anger, depression, a sense that maybe I’m just ready to give up.  Yes, I have these emotions just like everybody else.  I tend to process things out loud.  I’ve always had the best of luck figuring out the things I can’t seem to wrap my mind around, by bouncing them off others.  Sometimes, whoever I’m talking to doesn’t even have to say anything.  What really helps me, is getting it OUTSIDE of myself.  By saying it out loud (or writing it down as it were), I can then hear or see it as an observer.  You know the saying that some situations are easier to see the answers for those outside of them?  It’s like that.  Well, it’s like that.  It held true back when I was employed as a software engineer.  If I’d spend hours running in circles with a particularly difficult logic problem in my code, and couldn’t seem to find the answer no matter what I was thinking, I’d often corner a co-worker or boss, and tell them about it.  Often, just the act of saying what I had tried, would suddenly make it obvious.  By putting things in terms that somebody else can understand, and saying out loud, you really have a chance to HEAR yourself.  How many times do people come to us for advice, and we see so obviously what the solution is?  By asking out loud for advice from others, it does much the same thing for me.  I hear what I’m saying, as if somebody else asked it, and suddenly it’s just so OBVIOUS!  Half the time, I end up answering my own questions and solving my own problems, just by voicing it aloud.

Anyways, this is the way I work.  I CRAVE understanding.  I have a highly logical frame of mind, and I seek to know the reasons behind any problems in my life.  I ask questions, try to establish facts, etc.  It’s not to say that I’m some kind of data collecting robot who just analyzes what he knows, no.  I also am able to use intuition to a great deal to skip a lot of the logical steps and arrive closer to the heart of the matter.  However, the more facts I have, the more I can either support or deny the accuracy of my intuitive findings.

I’m thinking this morning about how others perceive me.  I don’t often stop and think how others see the ways I behave.  *I* know what I mean, and I often assume that others will too, but that is so rarely the case.  All my life, I seem to push people away or piss people off, because I can come off as arrogant and condescending.  I can seem pushy and clingy.  I’m really not any of these inside.  If I know the solution to somebody else’s problem, I’m quick to offer that to them, figuring people would like to move past the problems by eliminating them, and tend to forget about all the emotions that must be dealt with for them to more effectively do so.  I hate seeing people in pain, so I continually try to cheer them up when they’re at their most low, when I need to just be listening.  I love doing the things that make me the happiest, and when those involve another person, sometimes can’t see that at that moment, what they’re really craving is some space and and alone time.  As intuitive as I can be, as empathic, as logical…. sometimes I’m just bloody clueless.  So then I start asking questions, trying to get a read on the situation.  I don’t want to be clueless, I don’t want to hurt my relationships with others, so then I become overly cautious.  Asking questions, trying to understand.  I do this from a place of compassion, but it’s often perceived of as clingy and needy.  And that always blows me away and hurts.

The thing is, the things I do, while they make sense to me, where I see myself doing them out of love, empathy, caring, etc… oftentimes they’re not seen that way by those around me.  There’s a big difference in how I perceive myself, and how others perceive me.  Yet, at the same time, there’s often a big difference in how I perceive others as well, as opposed to how they perceive themselves.  Nobody can really look at me and understand what’s going on inside my head, they’re not mind readers.  And the same holds true for me.  Despite the empathy, despite the sometimes intuitive leaps to the heart of a problem, despite all that, I’m just not a bloody mind reader.  I know this, so when I just can’t seem to understand, I start asking questions.  And what’s upsetting to me, is how often this is perceived as a bad thing.  I ask questions, out of a desire to understand someone, because I care, and want to not upset them with my lack of understanding.  And by doing so, I end up driving them away because it’s perceived as being too pushy.

It’s a lose/lose.

The thing is, this always starts out as a positive.  A desire to communicate, to have openness and honesty with each other, the basis of good, healthy relationships, be they friendships, romances, familial, what have you.  And somewhere over time the doors of openness, honesty, of communication itself start shutting, and I’m left rattling the doorknob, seeking to understand, confused as  to what happened, while others have formed this opinion of me that I just can’t see.  I know this opinion isn’t true, but by seeking to understand what caused this, and trying to fix it, I just end up doing more damage.  How can we better ourselves if nobody is willing to tell us the hard and brutal truths that we can’t see for ourselves?

There are many things I can see in myself that are more negative, that I do have answers for, and I know what causes them.  I can get overly jealous, when there is reason to be jealous.  If somebody is in love with me, but telling me she may end up looking for love elsewhere, then yes, this comes to the front, and it spreads to jealousy everywhere.  Show me love and loyalty, and I have no reason to be jealous, and I’m not.  I can be demanding of others time, if we never get to spend time together.  The less time I’m given, the more I crave to find ANY time.  The more any positive is taken away that I once enjoyed, the more negatively I react.  This is why I think communication of the why’s is so important.  I need that to keep the snap reactions at bay.

I know I’m a good and wonderful person.  I know I’m special.  I know I’m beautiful, and smart, and sexy, and that when I put my mind to it, I am capable of the most amazing things.  I know I’m funny, I’m interesting, and that I’m a good conversationalist.  I know my heart is in the right place.  I know I’m a good person, and worthy of being loved in return.  I give love freely to everybody I meet, and I open myself bare to strangers, in the hopes of furthering that love and trust in humanity that we all need and have lost.  I know I’m a good person, but sometimes, I’m just at a loss why others can’t see it.  I have this perception of myself internally, but if it comes across negatively externally, is it possible I’m doing something wrong?

I’m not looking for hugs and “of course you’re a good person, don’t ever doubt that”.  I know I am.  (Well ok, you can give me that too if you want, I don’t ever really get tired of hearing it)  What I’m looking for here, are hard truths and brutal honesty.  I’d rather hear a hard and painful truth than an omission or pleasant white lie.  I’m at a loss as how to bring my internal motives, intentions, and view of myself across in my external relationships so that others see it as well.  I’m asking for advice today, because even after voicing this aloud, I’m still not finding the answer.

I’m kind of upset this morning.  I’ll get to that in a moment, but first I want to start with something positive.  Rue, a “sister of the soul” if you will, over at “Rue and Hyssop“, apparently has nominated me for an award!

OMG!  An award!  *tears up*  There’s so many people I want to thank…. The gods, of course, the academy….   *gigglesnort*

Seriously though, I’m really touched that anybody appreciates my writing, and lately I’ve been surrounded by people with nothing but nice things to say.  Thank you so much Rue!

Of course this award comes with obligations, and while I’m not usually a fan of “chain-awards”, I’m going to follow along this time, because there are definitely others I would love to nominate or at least acknowledge as well.  Please don’t feel obligated to follow the rules if you don’t want to!

The rules are:
1) Link back to the blog/blogger who nominated you.
2) Paste the picture of the award in your award post
3) Nominate bloggers you think deliver great comments to your blog
4) E-mail/post/tweet or do whatever you need to do to inform these bloggers they have been nominated for an award.

I’m going to skip number 4, because.. if I’m nominating people who comment on my blog, I assume they’re going to figure it out, lol!  If I list you below, feel free to accept that as a nomination.  =)

First off, Lyon, Erin, Jupiter and Bella.  You fine ladies have been with me from the beginning, and were leaving comments long before anybody else was reading.  There were so many times where I wanted to just stop writing, figuring I was just talking to myself, and you were there with words of encouragement and support.  Without your comments and recognition, I never would have come this far.  It meant more to me far more than I could ever hope to express.  I really can’t express my thanks enough.

More recently, as I’ve started to accumulate followers, Mary, Mother Moon, and Faerwillow are always here with comments that help affirm my own beliefs, beautiful words of compassion, solidarity and wisdom.  You ladies are amazing, and your words help me oh so much.

Of course, Rue, my sister from another mister, I’ve saved you for last.  You as well are more eloquent and wise than you give yourself credit for.  I always look forward to reading what you have to write.  You make me laugh, smile, and think.  Thank you so much!

Of course, I appreciate every single person who comments.  I don’t want to leave anybody out.  Every comment I get reminds me why I write, and I’m so glad that my paltry prose can touch so many people beyond my wildest expectations.  Thank you everybody, I do this as much to read your reactions as to vent my own thoughts.  I adore you all!

And with the positive out of the way, it’s time also to balance this and explore some of this negative I’m feeling.

Last night, I was overcome with one of those crazy, DOOM feelings.  I’m sure some of you more empathic or psychic types know what I’m talking about.  Have you ever been hit with a CERTAINTY that something, somewhere, was horribly, terribly wrong, only to find out later that there’s been an accident, death, major illness, something?  After a while we learn to listen to these, and tend to FREAK OUT when they hit.  Well, last night one hit for me, and I panicked.  I started calling people I know and who are close to me to make sure everybody was ok.

One friend I called, as she is one of those people who’ve been hit with winter storm after storm.  I knew she was going to be busy yesterday, however as the time got on way past when I would have expected to see her, and word still ceased to come, and with that impending doom feeling, I was worried perhaps she had been in an accident.  It would explain the depth of that feeling I was having.  She ended up being fine, she had had company over and the visit was running much later than normal.  Fine, no big deal, was just glad she was ok.

What has me perturbed, is that she was unable to treat me normally while her company was present, at the risk of angering him.  He doesn’t like me.  I guess I can’t blame him.  And despite that holding back of treating me how she normally would were I to call, apparently my phone call triggered some sort of argument, enough for her to later accuse me of ruining her evening.

Wait, what?  (Warning: Strong language ahead, because I’m mad)

I totally fail to see how me calling a friend, genuinely concerned for her well being, is to blame for her “ruined” evening.  My phone call may have been a trigger, but it’s not my fault that somebody didn’t have the self control to handle the situation like a fucking adult.  If anybody is at fault, shouldn’t it be the person who’s overreaction to my telephone call caused her the distress?  I’m sorry, but you’re not adult enough to accept that she can be friends with whoever the hell she wants?  To the point that she can’t even be herself to me when he’s around?  And what does that say about me?  I can’t be her friend if he’s around?  I can’t call her, she can’t treat me like she normally would, because HE might get mad, but I’M expected to be an adult about it?  I accept he’s a part of her life, her friend, even though I have my own reasons to dislike him as well, I don’t stand in the way of that. Her reaction when I called was to get pissed at me, thinking that I’m calling to “check up on her”.  Well yeah, I was checking to make sure she was ok, I had no reason to expect her other male friend was still there.  And even if he IS there, I’m not allowed to call because he might get mad and ruin her evening?

I’m sorry, but I don’t think her problem is with ME.  And I have to admit that I’m still carrying some hurt and resentment that I took the blame on that one for calling. Even if she did later apologize. It’s less the reaction, and more the double standard.

I’m not trying to villify anybody.  I’m not trying to cause arguments.  But damnit, I am sitting here wondering if I’m that far off base here.  If you’re my friend at all, you should be able to be my friend no matter who is around, no matter what THEY feel for me, or how hard THEIR reaction to that is going to be.  It’s not MY fault THEY can’t grow the fuck up and let you be friends with whoever you want to be without being threatened by that, whether they have reason to be or no.  If they can’t handle that, I’M not the bad friend.  I’m NOT the only one who has to accept things.  I have to accept him being her friend just as much, and I’m expected to be an adult about it.  I’m expected to stay civil and understanding. For the most part I keep my mouth shut, or try to. I’m not completely without fault.  But I have to walk around on eggshells lest he get hurt or upset, while at the same time I have to be understanding anytime he’s around? What the hell is that? The double standard and blame shifting are getting old.  I realize this is just MY side of the story, but CHRIST.

I have a different friend, and her husband doesn’t like me.  When I was married, my ex-wife didn’t like her.  This caused us to lose contact with each other, and I always resented my ex for that.  Well, her and I recently reconnected.  When I asked her if that was going to cause problems, she said, “It might, it might not, but you’re my friend, it doesn’t really matter what he thinks.”  Well, apparently it did cause problems, but they sure as hell didn’t get blamed on me.

Ok…. *pants*  I’ve got it out.  I’m sorry to air my dirty laundry in public, and I’m not looking to name names.  I’m not going to do that.  But.  What I’m wondering is… what the hell?  I’m tired of being the bad guy because of how others react.

Going to go wander off now and cool back down.  I feel better having got that off my chest.  And yes, I’ll move on from this, it’s not the end of the world.

Also… I still haven’t figured out where that DOOM feeling was coming from.  Praying you all are well and healthy this morning.

I have a confession this morning.  I have NOT been sleeping well lately.  Whether it’s due to the general poverty I’m experiencing currently, my emotional highs and lows, or my struggle with smoking cessation, I find that while I’m going to bed at reasonable times (pre 11:00pm as opposed to 2am), that I’m consistantly waking up at 3-4am.  Which wouldn’t be so bad, if I could fall back asleep after that.  Once my eyelids open past halfway, my ability to fall back asleep vanishes.

I really can’t discount the importance of sleep to my well being.  I always joke that sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine, but really, no.  Sleep and a good diet are IMPERATIVE to our mental and emotional health.  And it’s really hard to get that sleep when you are consumed with worry and fear.  I sleep the best when my emotional and mental health are already in peak shape, when I feel safe, when I feel warm and loved, and when I let my expectations go.  Comfortable and content in the present.  Last winter and spring, I spent a lot of time in positions where I would sleep like a BABY.  Gotta admit, having that right person to hold as we drifted off helped a lot too, hehe.

Anyways, so I haven’t been sleeping well.  I’m living on charity at the moment.  Having some hard days.  Trying to quit smoking.  I’ve cheated here and there on that front.  Which ends up making me feel guilty, I feel like I’m letting everyone else, and especially myself, down.  It’s a shitty feeling.  Guilt.  Thankfully nobody is externally adding to my guilt, but I still have quite a bit over this internally.  Sure I’m at 5 or 6 a day as opposed to my pack and more, but.  I’m better than this right?  I shouldn’t be so weak.

Why are we always so hard on ourselves?  We talk great games about positive thought, intent, action, etc.  But we often let our guilt and negativity inside of us stand in the way of realizing our true potential, our abilities to be happy.  Why do we so often act as our own worst enemies?

And even if we can work on that, we often let those around us add to those negative frames of mind.  I’ve heard a million times from several people that nobody can make us feel negative emotions without our permission.  And I’ve seen just as many cases where these same people, hell, all of us, continue to let others contribute to those negative emotions, or enable us to do so.  We sit here and say, “I hope nobody messes with me today, I want to be happy.”

Why do we give others advice we don’t believe enough to follow ourselves?

Maybe this is just part of being human.  We ARE social creatures after all, and to some extent I think we’ll always seek validation in others.  We start out believing we are amazing and special, and we grow that or lose that through the opinions of others.  No matter how much I tell myself that I don’t care what anybody else thinks, I DO.  I really do care what other people think.  I try not to let it effect me, but I do care.

Perhaps this is why it’s so necessary to surround oneself with supportive people.  To help us learn again to see for ourselves how special and wonderful we really are.  There are times in our lives, especially in the middle of the greatest traumas, where this is not only a good idea, but absolutely essential.  If we surround ourselves with people that don’t support our decisions, who have nothing but negativity to give us, and who can’t respect what makes us happy, then we put ourselves in a position to begin believing that.  To start giving up in ourselves, and to start conforming to their views.  By giving them permission to treat us this way, they give us permission to destroy ourselves.

Conversely, by surrounding ourselves with people that are positive and respectful, who despite our decisions understand that we make them out of a need for what’s best for us, by giving them permission to let us feel good about ourselves, we give ourselves permission to see ourselves as the beautiful and wonderful people we always knew and hoped we are.

Something to think about this morning.  I hope everybody’s weekends are off to a great start!