Ok, I’ll agree that love itself is very important to a relationship.  But being afraid to be apart?  That’s not healthy.  Wanting to be close is fine, but being afraid to be apart is not.  It’s more than possible to be and STAY in love with somebody even over a distance or time.  And I am absolutely livid about this sentiment towards BEING IN LOVE being something that will always fade over time.  There are many couples out there, who even 50 years later, are still looking at each other with such a fire and passion as to make one want to look away out of respect.  The statement that it DOESN’T exist says to somebody, “I can’t possibly be expected to be passionate and in love with you for the long haul.  You’re not THAT great.  But look, I can pretend to be, and that’s just as good!”

What the fuck is that?  This sentiment seems to be used by people who DON’T have that passion for somebody, but are too scared to acknowledge what that really means about their relationship.  Yes, RELATIONSHIPS take work.  The only time being IN LOVE takes work, is when that passion isn’t there.  Without passion, what do you have left besides a comfort-zone and a co-dependent attachment?  If you really believe that, what does that say about the person you are in a relationship with?  If you aren’t that passionate about someone, why even bother?  And how dare you say that to someone you love.  Look what you’re telling them.  ”You aren’t something I can stay passionate about.”  You’re effectively tearing that person down, and that is NOT an act of love.

What does that do to their sense of self worth?  What does it to do yours when directed at you?

What is it besides your own projected fear that you’re not good enough to ever find it for yourself, or that you don’t even possibly deserve it.

I think it’s a sentiment that’s thrown around by people who have never found somebody they ARE that passionate about, and are scared they never will.  And that’s just sad.

What you’re left with, without that flame, without that passion, is nothing more than an unhealthy attachment.  There may still be love there.  There probably will be.  The human capacity for love can extend to ALL people.  This is the danger of attachment.  Love and attachment to a person are a recipe for misery.  But what then, is being IN-LOVE, if not another form of attachment?  I hold that there are healthy, and unhealthy forms of attachment.  Being attached to something that fills your being, fans the flames, stirs your passion, makes you smile, puts a spring in your step, what have you … these are positive frames of mind, a state of being present, of being nurturing to ourselves, and we should all strive to seek out and grab on to those things in our life that reflect that.  To hold on to the positive.  This is more about affirmation, than attachment.  Being attached to something because of fear, afraid to let go, because you don’t know what you would do otherwise…. this is unhealthy.  It’s fear, pure and simple.  And it’s an attachment that the sentiment above propagates.

It’s a sentiment that is used to prolong attachments to our fears.   When somebody tells us, “You’re not that good, maybe this is the best you can expect” … well, words do have power, especially if we’re already struggling with out sense of self-worth.  It’s a dangerous sentiment, because it is FAR more common to find people who our passion fades for, it’s far more common that we have a low sense of self-esteem to begin with, than it is to believe in ourselves or to find those rare ones who our passion grows for.  Who everytime we’re together we see and feel that bond and stand in amazement, unable to control the flow of positive emotions that demand we continue to grow that.  We should want to draw closer out of a sense of passion and celebration, not out of a fear of losing.  It’s dangerous, because it gives us an excuse to stay chained to fear and low sense of self-worth.

For me, I’ll hold out for, “I DO feel that passion for you, it grows every day, and we magnify that in each other.”

For me, that’s the kind of relationship that’s going to be worth having.  Mutually shared passion, that feeds and grows and magnifies each other.  I’ve tried the other kind.  It doesn’t keep me happy for long.  If I’m not somebody my mate can remain passionate about, then what does that say about how they view me?  And what does that do my own self-esteem?

If I should always believe in myself, if I should love myself, how can I settle for anything less than somebody who believes and loves me that deeply as well?

And if I found that with somebody, how can the sentiment of fear and attachment masquerading as “good enough” ever really be good enough?

That’s the way I see it anyways.  I like my way better.  It speaks more true to my heart.  Settle for nothing but the best.  I could be happy for a while without that, but it really wouldn’t be living to my full potential.

In other news, I took the kids to a play date at my friend’s house yesterday.  Her daughter and the kids played for several hours, and they all had a really good time.  I got to catch up with her, and just hang out and talk, and so I had a good time as well.  It’s nice to have some actual interaction with another adult from time to time.  I love my kids to pieces, but they only manage to fill part of what I need out of life.  Simple conversation with another adult is something they can’t pull off (yet).

Tonight we’re going to have dinner at my parents’ house.  They know how badly I’m hurting in the wallet right now, so my mom offered to pick us all up after she gets out of work, and help our diminished grocery bill by providing dinner tonight.  So that’ll be nice.  I do confess that I’m often kind of bored at their house, as there’s little for me to do over there, but on the other hand, it’s good to get out of THIS house every once in a while.  Something I’ve been doing a lot more lately.

Saturday at noon I’m going to my friend Tim’s house, and we’re going to do yoga.  That should be fun!

Still, with the recent rise in hanging out and spending time with others, ultimately the responsibility for getting out of the house and living my life beyond these walls lies with me, whether there is somebody to do that with or not.  This is why I have been spending so much more time going for walks in the woods.  I don’t NEED somebody else to be able to live my life.  I’m fully capable of doing it on my own.  Yes, it’s more fun to share that with friends, family, a lover, what have you.  But at the end of the day, the responsibility to do so ALWAYS lies with me.  It’s my responsibility to make those wonderful things in my life happen, and they WON’T if I’m too afraid to grab onto them.  It’s my responsibility to get out and take care of myself, to live my life.  It’s my responsibility to make friends to share it with.  It’s my responsibility to take the initiative to call them up.  I’ve always been one who will wait for others to ask me.  I’m learning to have the balls to take that responsibility on myself more.  It’s a two way street, and after neglecting my part in friendships for so long, it’s up to ME to bridge those gaps, and make those calls.  That’s the part of relationships that takes work.

So that’s how things are looking right now.  Over the past two years, now, or in the future, I haven’t been, and won’t accept anything but the REAL DEAL as far as love and in-love goes, I’m not going to be drawn into anything because somebody else doesn’t know what the real thing actually feels like.  I’m not going to stay somewhere because I’m afraid to jump.  I’m not going to accept that nobody could possibly breathe passion with me even after we’re familiar with each other.  I deserve better than that.  And if I’m in a relationship, the person I’m with deserves that as well.  I mean, that was the whole POINT of getting this divorce in the first place.  Jamie and I both deserved better.  If you don’t have that passion for someone, then you really aren’t going to be able to just “fake it ’til you make it.”  We all deserve the real deal.  Every single one of us.  And most of all I deserve to believe in myself enough to accept nothing less than that.  That held true when I left Jamie, and it holds just as true today.

Let me start off by saying that firstly, no, I did not get in a car accident.  Secondly, that this is a long rambling post, and I’ve been writing it for several hours, so if it gets too difficult to read, I do apologize.

I was going back over some poetry I had wrote at the end the year, and I ran across this.  It’s still pretty much in its raw form.  It’s definitely something for me to keep in mind right now.  I’m still getting panicky, I’m still afraid.  But I remember what this felt like, writing this poem, and it’s helping to calm me down.  Time apart isn’t so bad when you know you’ll be seeing each other again soon.  Still not quite close to “soon”, but … soon enough I suppose.  I really want to talk so bad.   And while most of that is a genuine desire to share company and conversation with her, there is part of that which  is also worry that in some way, the reality of who we are when we’re together will be forgotten about if we don’t talk for so long, and then, so too will I be forgotten.

I see the car moving, and my hands aren’t on the wheel.  That can be pretty effing scary.  I control every other aspect of my life, and have for a good … wow, almost 2 years now since I first separated and struck out on my own.  I have been living an independent lifestyle, living alone, making it all by myself for almost 2 years now.  I’ve worked, parented, struggled, fought, paid, loved, laughed, listened, shared, cried, and died several times over in that time-frame.  And some of those times were happy, and some of those times were sad.  And some of those times were the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life, and I can still remember those times.  I want to grab on to that part of my life that grew those happy times, not just the memories, but the reality of it that made it happen in the first place, to grab onto that and live it and live it hard.  I deserve to be that happy.  Everybody deserves to be that happy.  There’s no way I deserve it more than you or anybody else.

I accidentally stumbled on an old conversation this morning, and it made my heart melt and my tears flow with the tenderness, love, lust, connection, passion and sheer adoration in it.  And if there’s ever been anything that has stood in the way of that, it’s been fear.  It’s something I have no control over.  There’s no steering wheel on this car, the brakes have been cut, there’s a weight on the accelerator, and I’m in the passenger seat looking for the “oh shit” handle, scared to hell too.  I don’t need to park the car in the driveway or nothing, but it would be nice if it didn’t drive over the edge of a cliff too.  That’s the shit about having no control.  You just have no idea what is going to happen.

That’s the scary thing about starting anything new too, though.  It’s new.  It’s the unexpected.  It’s the unknown.  Every day we are handed more and more of these.  Every day is the start of something new.  Every day we are given the present, and there is no telling what will happen.  The best we can hope to do is to do the best we can with each day.  This is where I want to keep the car on the road.  This road fills my heart, and this road makes me feel alive.  Fuck fear.  How many times had her and I ever gotten together, scared what it was going to be like together after so long, and how many times were all those fears unnecessary.  Some things burn bright no matter how dark the horizon is.   And I think that the best I can do, is find those things, and to fan the flames.

That just happens to be one of them.

I’m fanning the flames of my kids, being the best dad I can be for them.

I’m striking furiously with steel and flint at a pile of dried grass where work is, but it’s something.  ;)

The thing is, as much as I talk about love, and this person I love… that’s just a part.  I’m already living the others parts of my life as best as I can, or working on it.  I am always trying to do better.  The love is the part that I’m missing terribly right now,  all the more so because of an added silence on top of it.  I’m not only missing my truest and most precious love, I’m missing my best friend.  I’m missing the most amazing person I have ever met on the face of this earth, and the loss of that weighs and tugs at me.  This is a person that not only do I feel all this for, but one who understands me deeper than anyone ever has, who I have bared my soul to, told my darkest and deepest secrets to, shared our fears and hopes with, shared the brightest times of my life with, magnified the best in me, and whom I helped do the same for, who suffered with me through a tragic loss,  who stood with me and looked to the future with a mutual hunger to grab onto that as hard as we could and never let go.  I fear the loss of all of that, because there is so much there.  There is everything I had always looked for, and more.   Is it any wonder I want to try to keep the car on the road?

So at the same time, if I try to control this car, the movements will become exaggerated, the car will veer sharply, and go plummeting off the cliff.  So here is where things come down to trust.  This is where it’s important to just be present in the moment.  To acknowledge, yes, I AM afraid of losing that, thank you very much.  I have never seen a more undeniably perfect couple as when we’re  together.  I’ve never met somebody I was more sure about wanting to share my love with, who stirred my passion so deeply.  To me, THAT is what’s really worth hanging on to.  I am very much afraid of losing that.  I am expending so much energy WORRYING about losing that, and trying to prevent it, that the focus of that energy is all on … losing that.

Woah, not cool man, I believe in that whole “mind over matter” thing.

Do I have it in me to acknowledge this fear, to know I’m afraid, to know that there IS no way to know, and just … let go of the wheel, lean back, and enjoy this ride, wherever it takes me?  Can I have enough trust in the Gods and in myself to know that I’ll be alright, that my past is not the culmination of my existence?  No matter what happens, good or ill, there’s always going to be a tomorrow, and I’m always going to try to live it the best I can.  Who knows.  I’m not going to give up if things don’t go the way I’d prefer.  Life doesn’t end.  The sun will still come up.  Etcetera, ad infinitum.

I believe.  I believe fear can be faced and acknowledged and dealt with rationally, that it can me redirected so that one can meet the best life ever.  I do truly believe that.  I’m trying to live that every day.  Because when it’s time for my hands to be on the wheel, when I am in the drivers’ seat, believe me, I’m driving the hell out of this car.  That’s the way I want to live my life.  To the absolute FULLEST, enjoying every bit of it.  Good company, community, passion, intellectual stimulation, family, romance, love, equality, my closest friend, a spiritual connection, independence, partnership and mind blowing sex.  2-3 times a day.  Minimum.  ;)

That’s worth seeing how useless it is to panic when my hands aren’t on the wheel right?  That’s worth acknowledging that fear of the unknown, and stepping forward intent on focusing on having the best life possible, to be the happiest I can be right?  No more worrying that things change.  No more fearing the unknown, but embracing the moment as a gift, and always, ALWAYS living it to the fullest.

*leans back, hair blowing in the wind, and tries to get comfortable in the passenger seat*

After reading so many people talking today about how beautiful it was outside, I was determined to get out there and enjoy it.  It really dried up out there quite a bit from yesterday, so we went outside, and got the wagon cleaned up from its lonely winter in the elements.  We brought along some juice, and the camera, and I proceeded to walk the … *thinks* … 10-11 blocks to the woods.  That alone took a lot of effort.  Spent a lot of the trip trying to prepare the kids for proper woodland behavior, ie., if you want to see animals, we have to be VERY QUIET!  Quieter!  No, quiet!  Shush!  *sighs*  You know… that old chestnut.

We got there, and for once the place was actually open.  I usually go after it closes, which leaves me free to enjoy it without the presence of other human beings around.  We stopped at the office and made sure to check with the DNR that it would be ok to take a wagon onto the trails.  She assured us it was, though we’d probably find it was really muddy out there.  Well, yes, but I’d already determined which trails were wagon-traversable last night.  So off we went.  In retrospect, I wish we would have found someplace safe to stash the wagon, though it did come in handy in a couple wet spots.

So off we went on the trails, and even if the kids could have been quiet (they couldn’t), the wagon rolling over dead leaves was NOT quiet.  At all.  Erin was pretty mellow about the whole ordeal, but at least she was quiet.  Milo was super excited, and so of course, couldn’t contain himself.  He got to learn all sorts of neat things, like what oak leaves look like, what a birch tree looks like, boys can pee anywhere they want easily in the woods, etc.  Hehe.  At one point, we stopped at a bench, because daddy needed a break from pulling a wagon over soft, rough terrain.  Milo had elected to walk, and I let him as long as the ground wasn’t too wet, but it was still heavy going pulling that thing.  Anyways, we’re stopped at a bench, and there’s a bug on my hooded sweatshirt.  I tried to blow it off (not like that) and Milo says, “No, don’t do that daddy, I want to look at it!”  I obliged him, and he tell’s me, “It’s a baby fly!  How fascinating!”  LOL!  His phrasing cracks me up sometimes.  Such a great vocabulary for 5 years old.

Anyways, he then informs me he has to poop.  By my estimate, we’re about 2 and a half miles from home at this point, and have no toilet paper with us.  Great!  I advise him to hold it, and cut our trip short, taking the main loop out.  Through this whole time, we haven’t seen a single animal, and they’re getting louder and louder.  I kind of began losing my temper and told them there was no way we were EVER going to see any animals as long as they kept asking me every 30 seconds.  Trying to explain that this wasn’t the zoo, it was the wild, and the animals are scared of lots of noise.  Felt really bad about it, because… they’re just kids, and I’m trying to instill in them a love of the outdoors, not yell at them.  So, felt pretty hangdog over that on the way out.

Then on top of that, the day was perfect.  The smells of sunshine and heat and moisture evaporating, dead leaves, grass greening up, pools of water that have yet to stagnate, warm breezes…. the kind of days I live for.  And for some reason, this just kept making me tear up on our way out.  Knowing how perfect the day was.  Well.  Almost perfect.  It was definitely missing just one more thing to really classify as perfect, and I could feel that absence like a lead weight on my heart.  That’s where I really started falling apart today.

Anyways, we managed to stop at a huge gathering of frawrgs (frogs) on the way out.  SO MANY FRAWRGS!  These weren’t the kind that go “Meep-Meep” either… but the really full throated bullfrogs, tons of them, all singing at the top of their lungs.  It was LOUD.  We managed to see one swimming around, but for the most part, they all stayed well hidden, and despite the kids insistance they should be able to go down and look for them, we let them STAY hidden.  Daddy can be so unfair.

After that, a long, long, long walk back home.  My thighs, they hurts.  My hands, they are developing calluses.  My feet are SORE.  But really, a worthwhile trip, and I’m glad we got to do it.  It was really close to perfect for me, and the KIDS thought it was great, so I guess that’s good enough for me today.

So here’s the pictures instead.

Let’s consult the rules shall we?

Open your first photo file
Scroll to the 10th photo
Post the photo and tell the story behind it
Tag five more people

This was taken at Ludington, MI, off the breakwall stretching into Lake Michigan.  Managed to get the sun right before it dipped below the horizon.  This was the night before my first salmon fishing experience.  I remember watching this sunset, and feeling incredibly lonely.  That was definitely an interesting night.  I think I walked something like 4 miles.

Ok, so it looks like everybody I can think of to tag has already been tagged.  If anybody wants to play, feel free to consider yourself tagged.

Something that is really bothering me this morning:  This time of silence was to get something specific accomplished.  It was a time where focus would be on certain areas, and there wouldn’t be communication with the outside world.  So why do I notice more and more increased communication with the outside world.  Is this healthy, or is it a displacement activity that is taking away from what needed to be done?  Why be silent in one forum, to get something done, and then replace it with another forum?  And why the hell do I waste so much energy worrying about it?  I really need to figure out more clearly how one shapes fear into something productive.  Just because I can NOTICE these fears, doesn’t stop me from having them.  I know this really doesn’t mean anything to anybody else, it’s got to be cryptic as hell.  I needed to get that out, however.

Anywho.  *swirls his coffee in his mug*  Work awaits.

It’s a sunny day here, and warming up.  The windows are open, to grace the neighborhood with the sounds of my children playing (read: waging war against each other).  Luckily, the sounds of jackhammers tearing up the pavement to get to the main sewer line 20 yards down the street is helping to muffle this.  LOL, another day in paradise, right?  I don’t care, the sunshine and breeze feel too good to pass up.

Sitting here in contemplation this morning.  Wondering why everything I do seems to backfire on me.  I try to be silent, and I end up in situations requiring conversation.  I remove this person from Facebook to not see their status updates in the hopes this will make things easier to deal with, and yet can’t get away from seeing their comments everywhere I turn.  I try to push this all to the back burner and Sesame Street goes and has Jason Mraz playing the same song that’s been stuck in my head for the past couple days, bringing it all out again.   SESAME STREET of all places.  Come on!

Ok, so maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.  Maybe I can’t get away from this.  Maybe I shouldn’t be trying to.  Maybe what I need to work on is my own strength, and stop relying on the situations to make it easier for me.  Maybe it’s supposed to be hard.  >.>  That’s what she said (sorry, this amuses me to no end, I swear I’m five).

*sighs and sips his coffee*

So yes.  I’m doing my damndest to be good, and sometimes I surprise myself, and at other times I fail miserably.  I’m still struggling, but that’s ok.  I guess I’m supposed to.  I’m learning to be strong.  That which doesn’t kill us, etc, etc.

In the meantime, I have stacks of dishes to do, and a house that needs cleaning.  Spring is right around the corner, and with it comes that undeniable urge for spring cleaning.  I’m not one who normally enjoys or wants to clean.  However, there is something about this time of year that really brings it out in me.  Throw in being without water for two weeks, and not being ABLE to clean, and it’s gotten to the point in here where I HAVE to.  Not because I have no choice, but because it is bothering me that badly in here.  It’s disgusting.  I made it through the silverware last night.  Today, the pots, pans, plates and glasses.  The laundry.  The bathroom.

I really, really want some things around here to better organize with.  Some shelves, cupboards, dressers, bins, something.  I have too much stuff that has nowhere to go.  I’ve gotten rid of a lot of it, but … I just can’t stand the clutter.  I don’t mind having things out, but I’d like it if things had a place to be in when they’re not in use.  I sense a rummage sale in the near future.  And perhaps, hitting a rummage sale or four myself.

Apart from not liking the clutter and mess, there’s another reason to clean.  I want to have people into my house, and it just ain’t going to happen with it looking like this.  I’ve scheduled a play date for the kids on Wednesday with an old friend of mine’s daughter.  She’s about a year older than Erin, and a year and a half younger than Milo.  Milo and her seemed to hit it off well sledding a few weeks back, so it’ll be nice for the kids to have somebody to play with.  And, to be frankly honest, nice to have another adult around I can talk to face to face.  It’s nice to have people who are mutually JUST friends that one can interact with.  Friends are important.  Blogland and Facebook provide me with stimulating conversation, but it’s really nice to hear a friendly voice once in a while too.

Tonight is the new moon.  As a follower of Herne/Cernunnos, this is a good thing.  This is his time.  I’m thinking a night walk to the woods tonight to honor this.  To honor Him.  I would take any deer seen during this time as a blessing.

This is my Monday thus far.  So for now, I bid you all a fond adieu, offer my warmest hugs, and head off to the kitchen, to battle the demons of disorganization and dishes.

After this, I was faced with more fears, more worries, so I decided to take the bull by the horns (or the horns by the bull, I DO tend be something of a masochist at times), and deal with it.  I lit some incense, smudged the room and myself, did some yoga in the form of sun salutations, and then took Savasana (corpse pose) afterwards.  From there, I proceeded to do a round of Bhuta Shuddi to really open myself up, and then finished with a meditation on my fears.  All I can say is WOW.  By the time I was done, I had the biggest headrush, and felt as if I could fly.  For those who are unfamiliar with what Bhuta Shuddi is, I’ll try to explain.

Bhuta Shuddi is an ancient chakra meditation of yoga and tantra practice through which the five elements (bhutas) are balanced or purified (shuddhi). Bhuta refers to the past, and shuddhi refers to purifying that past, or the samskaras that operate in conjunction with the five elements.

There may be many methods of purifying the five elements, ranging from meditative practices to various forms of ritualistic practices.  Bhuta Shuddhi works directly with attention on the chakras, balancing the subtle forces of the five elements through the use of the bija (seed) mantras of the chakras.  A bija mantra is a sacred vowel to resonate with a chakra.  Meditation on these points and chanting is practised in order to free up the energy flow within, which also brings results externally. The process of chanting itself shakes up the held patterns of energy and reshapes them to their higher possibility.

I read quite a few disclaimers on this, warning that this was a powerful method of chakra alignment, and the results could be stronger than one bargains for if it’s their first time.  I indeed found this to be the case.  I went from the root chakra, up through the crown, and back down again.  U-N-R-E-A-L.  The act of going back down is done to help re-ground, but even so, I still needed a good long while to ground after it was all said and done.  And the best part, I felt results.  I felt GOOD.

So after realigning and balancing my energies, I took the time to meditate on some inner parts of me, and gradually, throughout the day, managed to face a fear, and to deal with it.  While it still is leaving me sad, I feel like through this maybe I can shape this fear into a positive direction.  Fingers crossed everyone!  ;)

Anywho, I promised videos, and I feel like maybe I’m getting rambly again.  So without further ado, here are parts 1 and 2 of ZaChoeje Rinpoche’s “Shaping Fear – Being in the Present Moment”

I’ll sit at my table, with my little netbook and my cup of coffee, and job hunt, and lately, work on my “work-at-home” job.  It’s not going to be enough, there’s really not enough work right now in it.   Still, the feeling of warm air blowing across my cold feet from the heat register underneath the table, the blooming warmth of the coffee and caffeine blossoming inside me, the sounds of birds chirping outside my window, feeling safe and secure and productive in the morning … that’s nice.  Some mornings, at this point, I’ll fire up the stove, and make eggs.  I love eggs.  I’ll fry them, scramble them, sometimes I’ll even make breakfast burritos.  There is no greater comfort food for me in the morning then one of my “signature” breakfast burritos.  A full belly is a wonderful gift to myself.

Usually, around this point, I want to do yoga, but I then realize I’m FAR too full.  So it’s back to the computer, checking in on Facebook as the world is finally waking up.  You gotta love the one line, sometimes witty blurbs, and interesting news articles the people who have been in your life at some point have to share.  It’s cheap, social entertainment.  Some days after this, I’ll watch a movie, or pick up my cross stitching, and sit in quiet contemplation.  I do love my cross stitching.  It’s very calm, very zen.  This is usually my go to for peace and relaxation.  And the peace and calm and comfort from this get tied into every stitch, forming a work of art charged with that intent.  Very nice.

After a couple hours of quietly stitching, the urge for yoga is strong.  I haven’t been keeping up a very vigorous practice of late, instead just doing a gentle flow with long holds, or Surya Namaskara A and B.  Enought to stretch and lengthen the muscles, wake up my body, and allow me to sink a little deeper towards myself.  A little time after this is spent journaling about my practice, and then it’s off to the shower.  I’m not sure which is more beautiful… the feeling of my muscles during and after yoga, or the cascade of hot water on my body afterwards.  Both are ecstatically sensual.

That is how I start each day.  What happens next varies from day to day.  I like to leave room for spontaneity in my life.  Lately though, I’ll go next door and visit with my neighbors, play some games, work more, cross stitch more, or go on super long walks in the woods.  Anyway you look at it, these are all things I really enjoy doing.  Especially the walks in the woods.  I don’t care how many times I’ve walked the same trails, every day is a little different.  The woods are alive, vibrant, changing, and more importantly, I can notice and feel this.  Spending time worshipping in a cold building may be fine for some, but I tend to find Deity working most strongly and showing itself more noticeably in nature, and every step, every observation, every inhale of sweet clean air, every touch of a tree, every moment spent standing face to face with a deer and locking eyes .. these are moments of worship that make my spirit full and thankful.

I spend a lot of the evening thinking, sometimes hard and heavy thoughts, sometimes light and airy, sometimes working through facts and logic, other times emotional and abstract.  Or my nose will be buried in a book, seeking to broaden my horizons, or devouring a favorite story for the 500th time.  I like giving my intellect a workout.

So yes… my life has been filled with silence lately.  And when my kids aren’t here, I get terribly lonely and struggle.  But never think for a moment, that because I’m sad about this, that I am not living my life.  I’m living my life, and living it up.  I know it’s not really the life of excess and debauch one would expect, and it might not be exciting to some, but it’s a life that I find suits me for now.  I find happiness in what I do, and nobody should expect more from me than that.  While I wish things could be a bit different in some regards, this is what *I* have to work with, and believe me, I am working it.

The silence was recently broken by the other party, and since then, it’s harder than ever to keep quiet.  I reminded them this was their idea, and that if I’m expected to be quiet, then it’s no fair talking to me either.  I want to talk, and it’s easy to make excuses to do so.  If we keep things on business, if it’s just friendly, if it’s important…. but then it gets easier and easier to do it again next time, and pretty soon we’re right back where we started, and nothing is accomplished.  So I stayed strong.  It killed me to say that, because the one thing I really really really really really want right now is to pull them closer, not push them away.  I’m hurting so much on the inside right now, tearing up, lost in thought, in emotion that I’m trying not to let myself focus on it.  I’m holding back the dam of feelings as it were.  But ever since last night, I came across two pictures, and since then everything is demanding to get out.  My thoughts, words, all the things I want to say, all the things I want to do, the life and love I wish to live.  The emotions.  The sorrow and sadness I feel at having to go against what comes natural to me.  I guess this post is helping, because the dam just broke, and it’s coming out right now, and coming out hard.

Life is pain.  Life is a struggle.  Life isn’t always fair.

But through pain and struggle, we learn, we grow.  Right?

And sometimes, life CAN be fair.

I don’t know.  I’m rambling.  I want nothing more than to say screw it all.  But I promised, and even if it’s hard, it’s a good thing, something that needs to be done for now.  It’s not like it’s permanent.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.

*deep breaths*

Thanks for bearing with me folks.  I feel a little better.