One of the things I have managed to do today, is CLEAN.  I’m talking, CLEAN.  Spring style.  The house hasn’t looked this good in… well, since before I moved back in.   I am l-o-o-o-v-i-n-g it.  It’s like a huge weight off my shoulders.  *deeeeep inhale*  Ahhhhh…. *pats himself on the back*

I haven’t really been right since she moved back down there.  I’ve been scared, and I’ve been lonely, and I’ve been avoiding dealing with my life.  I do miss her so much… all the Gods and Goddesses I miss her so much.  She was and is the brightest thing I have ever seen in my life, and I have cherished every single second of being close with her.  I miss that feeling in my life, I miss it so much.  And even though I believe in the strength of it, and I believe that it’s still there for both of us, I’m still scared like, maybe that’s not going to be good enough for her, and .. maybe I will lose that.  The most amazing thing I have ever seen or believed in in my entire life.  The strength of it.  The sheer holy fucking joy of it.  Her.  The most beautiful person inside and out I have ever met.

I’ve been afraid because … I have no job.  I have no prospects.  I have no money.  I have debt stacking up against me.  I’m pretty terrified on this front.  I have had some bright blessings, but I am far from out of the woods.

… but now …

I’ve been trying to live my life more.  I’ve been taking more time for myself.  I’ve been getting myself out of the house.  I’ve been taking time to have fun by myself.  Having time where I am by myself.  Time to cry.  And believe me, I cry.

And as always, life goes on.  It’s so rare to ever find anything that DOES happen at an ideal time.  But things always tend to happen … NOW.  They happen in the present.  And part of living in the present, is dealing with them in the present.  Take the bad for now I guess, and appreciate the high points that much more … whenever.  There’ll be more high points in my life …. some day.  For now, there is today.  And I’m going to enjoy the high points in today.  And not just the high points, but the low points too.  And the shit that I have been putting off for far too long, like cleaning this house.  And I’m going to be thankful for all of it.  While my life would be the happiest I could picture it with her, I won’t be miserable without her.  I refuse to be.  But for now, yes, damnit I’m going to hurt.  Right now I have time to feel.  I have time to live the highs, and I have time to live the lows.

It’s a pretty rollercoastery day.  I’ve flip flopped back and forth quite a bit.

I’m pretty much just writing straight everything I’m thinking down.

I hope this isn’t too hard on anybody.

… it’s pretty hard on me …

but even so…

it’s a good day.

=)

*big hugs to you all*