An Award and Venting
Sun ,21/02/2010I’m kind of upset this morning. I’ll get to that in a moment, but first I want to start with something positive. Rue, a “sister of the soul” if you will, over at “Rue and Hyssop“, apparently has nominated me for an award!
OMG! An award! *tears up* There’s so many people I want to thank…. The gods, of course, the academy…. *gigglesnort*
Seriously though, I’m really touched that anybody appreciates my writing, and lately I’ve been surrounded by people with nothing but nice things to say. Thank you so much Rue!
Of course this award comes with obligations, and while I’m not usually a fan of “chain-awards”, I’m going to follow along this time, because there are definitely others I would love to nominate or at least acknowledge as well. Please don’t feel obligated to follow the rules if you don’t want to!
The rules are:
1) Link back to the blog/blogger who nominated you.
2) Paste the picture of the award in your award post
3) Nominate bloggers you think deliver great comments to your blog
4) E-mail/post/tweet or do whatever you need to do to inform these bloggers they have been nominated for an award.
I’m going to skip number 4, because.. if I’m nominating people who comment on my blog, I assume they’re going to figure it out, lol! If I list you below, feel free to accept that as a nomination. =)
First off, Lyon, Erin, Jupiter and Bella. You fine ladies have been with me from the beginning, and were leaving comments long before anybody else was reading. There were so many times where I wanted to just stop writing, figuring I was just talking to myself, and you were there with words of encouragement and support. Without your comments and recognition, I never would have come this far. It meant more to me far more than I could ever hope to express. I really can’t express my thanks enough.
More recently, as I’ve started to accumulate followers, Mary, Mother Moon, and Faerwillow are always here with comments that help affirm my own beliefs, beautiful words of compassion, solidarity and wisdom. You ladies are amazing, and your words help me oh so much.
Of course, Rue, my sister from another mister, I’ve saved you for last. You as well are more eloquent and wise than you give yourself credit for. I always look forward to reading what you have to write. You make me laugh, smile, and think. Thank you so much!
Of course, I appreciate every single person who comments. I don’t want to leave anybody out. Every comment I get reminds me why I write, and I’m so glad that my paltry prose can touch so many people beyond my wildest expectations. Thank you everybody, I do this as much to read your reactions as to vent my own thoughts. I adore you all!
And with the positive out of the way, it’s time also to balance this and explore some of this negative I’m feeling.
Last night, I was overcome with one of those crazy, DOOM feelings. I’m sure some of you more empathic or psychic types know what I’m talking about. Have you ever been hit with a CERTAINTY that something, somewhere, was horribly, terribly wrong, only to find out later that there’s been an accident, death, major illness, something? After a while we learn to listen to these, and tend to FREAK OUT when they hit. Well, last night one hit for me, and I panicked. I started calling people I know and who are close to me to make sure everybody was ok.
One friend I called, as she is one of those people who’ve been hit with winter storm after storm. I knew she was going to be busy yesterday, however as the time got on way past when I would have expected to see her, and word still ceased to come, and with that impending doom feeling, I was worried perhaps she had been in an accident. It would explain the depth of that feeling I was having. She ended up being fine, she had had company over and the visit was running much later than normal. Fine, no big deal, was just glad she was ok.
What has me perturbed, is that she was unable to treat me normally while her company was present, at the risk of angering him. He doesn’t like me. I guess I can’t blame him. And despite that holding back of treating me how she normally would were I to call, apparently my phone call triggered some sort of argument, enough for her to later accuse me of ruining her evening.
Wait, what? (Warning: Strong language ahead, because I’m mad)
I totally fail to see how me calling a friend, genuinely concerned for her well being, is to blame for her “ruined” evening. My phone call may have been a trigger, but it’s not my fault that somebody didn’t have the self control to handle the situation like a fucking adult. If anybody is at fault, shouldn’t it be the person who’s overreaction to my telephone call caused her the distress? I’m sorry, but you’re not adult enough to accept that she can be friends with whoever the hell she wants? To the point that she can’t even be herself to me when he’s around? And what does that say about me? I can’t be her friend if he’s around? I can’t call her, she can’t treat me like she normally would, because HE might get mad, but I’M expected to be an adult about it? I accept he’s a part of her life, her friend, even though I have my own reasons to dislike him as well, I don’t stand in the way of that. Her reaction when I called was to get pissed at me, thinking that I’m calling to “check up on her”. Well yeah, I was checking to make sure she was ok, I had no reason to expect her other male friend was still there. And even if he IS there, I’m not allowed to call because he might get mad and ruin her evening?
I’m sorry, but I don’t think her problem is with ME. And I have to admit that I’m still carrying some hurt and resentment that I took the blame on that one for calling. Even if she did later apologize. It’s less the reaction, and more the double standard.
I’m not trying to villify anybody. I’m not trying to cause arguments. But damnit, I am sitting here wondering if I’m that far off base here. If you’re my friend at all, you should be able to be my friend no matter who is around, no matter what THEY feel for me, or how hard THEIR reaction to that is going to be. It’s not MY fault THEY can’t grow the fuck up and let you be friends with whoever you want to be without being threatened by that, whether they have reason to be or no. If they can’t handle that, I’M not the bad friend. I’m NOT the only one who has to accept things. I have to accept him being her friend just as much, and I’m expected to be an adult about it. I’m expected to stay civil and understanding. For the most part I keep my mouth shut, or try to. I’m not completely without fault. But I have to walk around on eggshells lest he get hurt or upset, while at the same time I have to be understanding anytime he’s around? What the hell is that? The double standard and blame shifting are getting old. I realize this is just MY side of the story, but CHRIST.
I have a different friend, and her husband doesn’t like me. When I was married, my ex-wife didn’t like her. This caused us to lose contact with each other, and I always resented my ex for that. Well, her and I recently reconnected. When I asked her if that was going to cause problems, she said, “It might, it might not, but you’re my friend, it doesn’t really matter what he thinks.” Well, apparently it did cause problems, but they sure as hell didn’t get blamed on me.
Ok…. *pants* I’ve got it out. I’m sorry to air my dirty laundry in public, and I’m not looking to name names. I’m not going to do that. But. What I’m wondering is… what the hell? I’m tired of being the bad guy because of how others react.
Going to go wander off now and cool back down. I feel better having got that off my chest. And yes, I’ll move on from this, it’s not the end of the world.
Also… I still haven’t figured out where that DOOM feeling was coming from. Praying you all are well and healthy this morning.