old man sutton

The adventures through life and spirit of a single father, lover and man.

Today has been a good day so far, and it’s only 3:30pm.  I’ve managed to do a whole bunch of things today, things that I have been putting off for far too long.  It’s amazing how many things have stacked up for me.  But then again, I’ve kinda been avoiding dealing with my life for a while.  That’s pretty hard to admit.  Obvious maybe, but still hard to admit.

One of the things I have managed to do today, is CLEAN.  I’m talking, CLEAN.  Spring style.  The house hasn’t looked this good in… well, since before I moved back in.   I am l-o-o-o-v-i-n-g it.  It’s like a huge weight off my shoulders.  *deeeeep inhale*  Ahhhhh…. *pats himself on the back*

I haven’t really been right since she moved back down there.  I’ve been scared, and I’ve been lonely, and I’ve been avoiding dealing with my life.  I do miss her so much… all the Gods and Goddesses I miss her so much.  She was and is the brightest thing I have ever seen in my life, and I have cherished every single second of being close with her.  I miss that feeling in my life, I miss it so much.  And even though I believe in the strength of it, and I believe that it’s still there for both of us, I’m still scared like, maybe that’s not going to be good enough for her, and .. maybe I will lose that.  The most amazing thing I have ever seen or believed in in my entire life.  The strength of it.  The sheer holy fucking joy of it.  Her.  The most beautiful person inside and out I have ever met.

I’ve been afraid because … I have no job.  I have no prospects.  I have no money.  I have debt stacking up against me.  I’m pretty terrified on this front.  I have had some bright blessings, but I am far from out of the woods.

… but now …

I’ve been trying to live my life more.  I’ve been taking more time for myself.  I’ve been getting myself out of the house.  I’ve been taking time to have fun by myself.  Having time where I am by myself.  Time to cry.  And believe me, I cry.

And as always, life goes on.  It’s so rare to ever find anything that DOES happen at an ideal time.  But things always tend to happen … NOW.  They happen in the present.  And part of living in the present, is dealing with them in the present.  Take the bad for now I guess, and appreciate the high points that much more … whenever.  There’ll be more high points in my life …. some day.  For now, there is today.  And I’m going to enjoy the high points in today.  And not just the high points, but the low points too.  And the shit that I have been putting off for far too long, like cleaning this house.  And I’m going to be thankful for all of it.  While my life would be the happiest I could picture it with her, I won’t be miserable without her.  I refuse to be.  But for now, yes, damnit I’m going to hurt.  Right now I have time to feel.  I have time to live the highs, and I have time to live the lows.

It’s a pretty rollercoastery day.  I’ve flip flopped back and forth quite a bit.

I’m pretty much just writing straight everything I’m thinking down.

I hope this isn’t too hard on anybody.

… it’s pretty hard on me …

but even so…

it’s a good day.

=)

*big hugs to you all*

It’s a sunny day here, and warming up.  The windows are open, to grace the neighborhood with the sounds of my children playing (read: waging war against each other).  Luckily, the sounds of jackhammers tearing up the pavement to get to the main sewer line 20 yards down the street is helping to muffle this.  LOL, another day in paradise, right?  I don’t care, the sunshine and breeze feel too good to pass up.

Sitting here in contemplation this morning.  Wondering why everything I do seems to backfire on me.  I try to be silent, and I end up in situations requiring conversation.  I remove this person from Facebook to not see their status updates in the hopes this will make things easier to deal with, and yet can’t get away from seeing their comments everywhere I turn.  I try to push this all to the back burner and Sesame Street goes and has Jason Mraz playing the same song that’s been stuck in my head for the past couple days, bringing it all out again.   SESAME STREET of all places.  Come on!

Ok, so maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.  Maybe I can’t get away from this.  Maybe I shouldn’t be trying to.  Maybe what I need to work on is my own strength, and stop relying on the situations to make it easier for me.  Maybe it’s supposed to be hard.  >.>  That’s what she said (sorry, this amuses me to no end, I swear I’m five).

*sighs and sips his coffee*

So yes.  I’m doing my damndest to be good, and sometimes I surprise myself, and at other times I fail miserably.  I’m still struggling, but that’s ok.  I guess I’m supposed to.  I’m learning to be strong.  That which doesn’t kill us, etc, etc.

In the meantime, I have stacks of dishes to do, and a house that needs cleaning.  Spring is right around the corner, and with it comes that undeniable urge for spring cleaning.  I’m not one who normally enjoys or wants to clean.  However, there is something about this time of year that really brings it out in me.  Throw in being without water for two weeks, and not being ABLE to clean, and it’s gotten to the point in here where I HAVE to.  Not because I have no choice, but because it is bothering me that badly in here.  It’s disgusting.  I made it through the silverware last night.  Today, the pots, pans, plates and glasses.  The laundry.  The bathroom.

I really, really want some things around here to better organize with.  Some shelves, cupboards, dressers, bins, something.  I have too much stuff that has nowhere to go.  I’ve gotten rid of a lot of it, but … I just can’t stand the clutter.  I don’t mind having things out, but I’d like it if things had a place to be in when they’re not in use.  I sense a rummage sale in the near future.  And perhaps, hitting a rummage sale or four myself.

Apart from not liking the clutter and mess, there’s another reason to clean.  I want to have people into my house, and it just ain’t going to happen with it looking like this.  I’ve scheduled a play date for the kids on Wednesday with an old friend of mine’s daughter.  She’s about a year older than Erin, and a year and a half younger than Milo.  Milo and her seemed to hit it off well sledding a few weeks back, so it’ll be nice for the kids to have somebody to play with.  And, to be frankly honest, nice to have another adult around I can talk to face to face.  It’s nice to have people who are mutually JUST friends that one can interact with.  Friends are important.  Blogland and Facebook provide me with stimulating conversation, but it’s really nice to hear a friendly voice once in a while too.

Tonight is the new moon.  As a follower of Herne/Cernunnos, this is a good thing.  This is his time.  I’m thinking a night walk to the woods tonight to honor this.  To honor Him.  I would take any deer seen during this time as a blessing.

This is my Monday thus far.  So for now, I bid you all a fond adieu, offer my warmest hugs, and head off to the kitchen, to battle the demons of disorganization and dishes.

First off, my apologies all around, it’s been a good long while since I’ve bothered to update. More distressing is, it’s been a while since I’ve even bothered to read anybody else’s blog either. I’ve been more involved with things away from the computer lately, and what time I DO spend in front of the computer, has been for other purposes. I haven’t forgotten about any of you, but I really needed a break from the amount of time I spend in front of the computer. I’ve been very involved in deep cleaning my house in the hopes of finding something about it I can love. It’s functional right now, but that’s about all I can say positive about it. A roof, four walls, and I’m grateful to have it. I appreciate that. But… I NEED something more. My house just doesn’t feel like home. I said this morning to somebody, that home is where you are loved, and love back. Deeply, openly, and fully. I stand by that.

This place was home once, or at least, the closest thing to home I had known. Once upon a time I lived here, married, with children. It wasn’t really fully what I want home to be, but it was a damned sight closer than THIS. And one day, I decided to give that all up for the ideal. Out of a fuller and deeper understanding of what love is, and a realization that I didn’t feel that for my partner. Now here I am, in the between times, lonely and without a home. It’s hard some days to even get out of bed to face that.

Love. This is supposed to be about love. Valentine’s Day approaches, and my thoughts are turned to love this morning. What is love? There are many different kinds of love. The love inside a family, for ones brothers, sisters, parents, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. There’s the love of extended family, those people in our lives that are closer than friends. There’s the love of friends. There’s the love of chocolate, of music, of things. There’s the love we have for our pets. There’s the love of Deity. The love of nature. There’s puppy love, and love given but not returned, and love that’s gotten but not felt in the same ways back. There’s lust, there’s romance, there’s holding someone’s hair back when they get sick. There’s changing poopy diapers, and assuming a mantle of responsibility. There’s the love of allowing someone else to care for you, and to care back. There’s types of loves that look more like friendship, love of convenience, and love of security. Love of comfort, and love of safety. There’s love of memories, and love of the future, and love of being present.

Love comes in many shapes and sizes, and every love is different. Even hatred, is itself, a form of love. So what do we mean by love? When I spoke of home, and it being a place to love and be loved in fully, openly, and deeply, what do I mean? I’m here, my children are here, and I love them, and they love me, but still it’s not quite enough for me. The home I had wasn’t enough for me. I didn’t have the kind of love I needed to be truly alive and happy. I spent more time running from the illusion of love I was under, confusing the type of love I DID (and still do) feel for my ex-wife, as the kind I really needed and craved with every ounce of being. I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself it was the right kind, that I just needed to try harder to see it. But, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, is that while there are many kinds of love, not all of them are going to be right for certain things. And while love is compassionate enough not to want to hurt somebody, it should also be honest enough to not hold back the truth either. The love I have for a friend is never going to be enough for a romantic partner, and I’ll never look at a romantic partner as a parent, and I’d never try to make a parent a pet. LOL!

Love. How rare is it to find embodied in one person all the qualities of love that we truly crave and desire? To find not only the friend, the closer than friend, the family, but to find all the aspects of love and romance and lust and … just… all of it. How rare? How many of us have found ourselves in relationships where we’ve had part of what we want, but not all. How many of us have settled on that, and turned around months or years later, shaking our heads that we thought that would be enough? And how many of us made the exact same mistakes the next time. What is it about love that causes us to try to make it into more than what it is? We crave love, thrive on it, need it, but we also are willing to put what we need from it on the back burner to just have a taste of part of it.

Home and Love. I didn’t have the kind of love I needed to be happy long term in my home… for it to feel like home. For it to really even feel like love. I found the rarity, and understood love for the first time, the kind of understanding of love that we dream about, but give up on as time goes by and we’re disappointed over and over and over and over and over again. We keep trying because we crave it, we NEED it, it’s built into us. But it’s so rare to find the real deal. The kind that you not only feel for someone, but they feel back. The all encompassing kind, the kind that reaches deep and hugs your soul, that goes beyond that spark and becomes a consuming flame. The kind where spirit, lust, love, friendship, respect and longing are all wrapped into one tight, indivisible package. Maybe sometimes we fight this kind too, maybe sometimes we run from it. But does that mean we don’t feel it? Does that mean it doesn’t speak to us and call out, that it isn’t real?

Sometimes, it’s once in a lifetime, to find somebody that has all that. If you’ve found that, you’re so very blessed. I applaud anybody who has, whose ever found that person of their dreams, the one who there are no doubts about your feelings for. If it didn’t happen, if it wasn’t real, despite feeling it for myself, I wouldn’t have hope. But it’s real, it happens, and it can and should be that way. And I don’t need any Valentine’s Day to tell me that or remind me of that. This is something I live every day. Between times or no. It’s there.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you all tomorrow.