Taking Stock
Mon ,22/02/2010I know I’ve been coming out with a lot of negativity lately. Anger, depression, a sense that maybe I’m just ready to give up. Yes, I have these emotions just like everybody else. I tend to process things out loud. I’ve always had the best of luck figuring out the things I can’t seem to wrap my mind around, by bouncing them off others. Sometimes, whoever I’m talking to doesn’t even have to say anything. What really helps me, is getting it OUTSIDE of myself. By saying it out loud (or writing it down as it were), I can then hear or see it as an observer. You know the saying that some situations are easier to see the answers for those outside of them? It’s like that. Well, it’s like that. It held true back when I was employed as a software engineer. If I’d spend hours running in circles with a particularly difficult logic problem in my code, and couldn’t seem to find the answer no matter what I was thinking, I’d often corner a co-worker or boss, and tell them about it. Often, just the act of saying what I had tried, would suddenly make it obvious. By putting things in terms that somebody else can understand, and saying out loud, you really have a chance to HEAR yourself. How many times do people come to us for advice, and we see so obviously what the solution is? By asking out loud for advice from others, it does much the same thing for me. I hear what I’m saying, as if somebody else asked it, and suddenly it’s just so OBVIOUS! Half the time, I end up answering my own questions and solving my own problems, just by voicing it aloud.
Anyways, this is the way I work. I CRAVE understanding. I have a highly logical frame of mind, and I seek to know the reasons behind any problems in my life. I ask questions, try to establish facts, etc. It’s not to say that I’m some kind of data collecting robot who just analyzes what he knows, no. I also am able to use intuition to a great deal to skip a lot of the logical steps and arrive closer to the heart of the matter. However, the more facts I have, the more I can either support or deny the accuracy of my intuitive findings.
I’m thinking this morning about how others perceive me. I don’t often stop and think how others see the ways I behave. *I* know what I mean, and I often assume that others will too, but that is so rarely the case. All my life, I seem to push people away or piss people off, because I can come off as arrogant and condescending. I can seem pushy and clingy. I’m really not any of these inside. If I know the solution to somebody else’s problem, I’m quick to offer that to them, figuring people would like to move past the problems by eliminating them, and tend to forget about all the emotions that must be dealt with for them to more effectively do so. I hate seeing people in pain, so I continually try to cheer them up when they’re at their most low, when I need to just be listening. I love doing the things that make me the happiest, and when those involve another person, sometimes can’t see that at that moment, what they’re really craving is some space and and alone time. As intuitive as I can be, as empathic, as logical…. sometimes I’m just bloody clueless. So then I start asking questions, trying to get a read on the situation. I don’t want to be clueless, I don’t want to hurt my relationships with others, so then I become overly cautious. Asking questions, trying to understand. I do this from a place of compassion, but it’s often perceived of as clingy and needy. And that always blows me away and hurts.
The thing is, the things I do, while they make sense to me, where I see myself doing them out of love, empathy, caring, etc… oftentimes they’re not seen that way by those around me. There’s a big difference in how I perceive myself, and how others perceive me. Yet, at the same time, there’s often a big difference in how I perceive others as well, as opposed to how they perceive themselves. Nobody can really look at me and understand what’s going on inside my head, they’re not mind readers. And the same holds true for me. Despite the empathy, despite the sometimes intuitive leaps to the heart of a problem, despite all that, I’m just not a bloody mind reader. I know this, so when I just can’t seem to understand, I start asking questions. And what’s upsetting to me, is how often this is perceived as a bad thing. I ask questions, out of a desire to understand someone, because I care, and want to not upset them with my lack of understanding. And by doing so, I end up driving them away because it’s perceived as being too pushy.
It’s a lose/lose.
The thing is, this always starts out as a positive. A desire to communicate, to have openness and honesty with each other, the basis of good, healthy relationships, be they friendships, romances, familial, what have you. And somewhere over time the doors of openness, honesty, of communication itself start shutting, and I’m left rattling the doorknob, seeking to understand, confused as to what happened, while others have formed this opinion of me that I just can’t see. I know this opinion isn’t true, but by seeking to understand what caused this, and trying to fix it, I just end up doing more damage. How can we better ourselves if nobody is willing to tell us the hard and brutal truths that we can’t see for ourselves?
There are many things I can see in myself that are more negative, that I do have answers for, and I know what causes them. I can get overly jealous, when there is reason to be jealous. If somebody is in love with me, but telling me she may end up looking for love elsewhere, then yes, this comes to the front, and it spreads to jealousy everywhere. Show me love and loyalty, and I have no reason to be jealous, and I’m not. I can be demanding of others time, if we never get to spend time together. The less time I’m given, the more I crave to find ANY time. The more any positive is taken away that I once enjoyed, the more negatively I react. This is why I think communication of the why’s is so important. I need that to keep the snap reactions at bay.
I know I’m a good and wonderful person. I know I’m special. I know I’m beautiful, and smart, and sexy, and that when I put my mind to it, I am capable of the most amazing things. I know I’m funny, I’m interesting, and that I’m a good conversationalist. I know my heart is in the right place. I know I’m a good person, and worthy of being loved in return. I give love freely to everybody I meet, and I open myself bare to strangers, in the hopes of furthering that love and trust in humanity that we all need and have lost. I know I’m a good person, but sometimes, I’m just at a loss why others can’t see it. I have this perception of myself internally, but if it comes across negatively externally, is it possible I’m doing something wrong?
I’m not looking for hugs and “of course you’re a good person, don’t ever doubt that”. I know I am. (Well ok, you can give me that too if you want, I don’t ever really get tired of hearing it) What I’m looking for here, are hard truths and brutal honesty. I’d rather hear a hard and painful truth than an omission or pleasant white lie. I’m at a loss as how to bring my internal motives, intentions, and view of myself across in my external relationships so that others see it as well. I’m asking for advice today, because even after voicing this aloud, I’m still not finding the answer.