Reassessing
Sat ,26/09/2009I’m having a really rough weekend. Too many surprises being thrown at me. Too much sudden doubt. So I thought I’d take the time to reassess what *I* want out of life. Been giving this a lot of thought today. Here goes.
I want to be a good father to my kids. I want to be a provider. I want to have enough financial security that I can pay my bills without living in fear of the next shutoff. I realize right now I’m “lucky” to even have a job, let alone one that pays so well, but with child support and all, it still never seems like I have enough. I manage, but I still stress a lot. I want to move out of the city. I want to move out onto twenty or more acres of land, preferably with a large pond or a stream running through it. I want a cozy little geodesic dome. I want a warm house, a cozy house, something with hardwood floors, soft plushy or fuzzy rugs, overstuffed furniture, and lots of pillows and blankets. I want a kitchen that serves as the heart of the home, I want to be able to cook and bake. I want to have fun grocery shopping, laughing the whole time. I want lots of houseplants, and interesting art. I want a space for books, for reading on a cold winter night, a fireplace, a small cat. I want a collection of blank leatherbound books, and interesting pens. I want somebody to share all this with. I want to love freely, from the heart and not the head. I want to have somebody that I can’t get close enough too, who I want to share my feelings with without having to be prompted by them first. I want to make love every night, every morning, and every afternoon. I want the freedom to explore my sexuality with somebody that feels the same way. I want to spend my evenings crafting, reading a book, taking a walk, or chatting with that certain someone… I don’t care if it’s about nothing at all, idle chatter or deeply intelligent debates. I want to travel and see Ireland, Australia, England, EVERYWHERE. I want to have a place to come back to when my wanderlust wanes. I want to be challenged to grow more every day. I don’t want to settle for mediocrity. I want to live my life freely, and not out of obligation. I want a space to be quiet in, to share a communion with the gods. I want to grow spiritually on my own and with my family. I want a partner that can look at the positive, and not only at the negative, like I used to have. I want to always make my partner feel beautiful and loved. I want to give myself fully to her. I want to have that returned, freely, because she loves me that much, and not because she thinks that’s what I want. I want to kiss her with all my love and passion no matter who’s watching, no matter where we are. I want to be greeted after work with love and excitement that I’m home. I want somebody with passion, with interests, who wants to share mine out of a desire to be close, and not just because “that’s what you do”. I don’t want to have to drag somebody along with me, having to convince them to come. I want to be taken care of when I’m sick, built up when I’m sad. I want to be a rock for somebody, and have them be one for me in return. I want a real partner, a twin flame, a soulmate, in EVERY sense of the word. I want to be equals with somebody, and not just trying to make them happy. I don’t want to be with somebody because that’s what I should do, but because I WANT to be with them, because of how I feel for them and because of how they make me feel. I want to hold somebody close every night as we drift off to sleep, and I want to wake up every morning gazing into a pair of gorgeous, lovely green eyes. I want the uncertainty of the future, the happy of the present. I want the strength to use my memories as a pleasant way to grow, instead of dragging me into depression. I want to be happy. I want to love, I want to live, I want to laugh. I want my family to be complete. I want good coffee, good food, and great sex. I want it all. I want to grab life by the hand and run with it. I want to run naked through the fields with my soulmate. I want the true love I have seen, and that I believe in. I want … I want the completeness I’ve seen, but haven’t gotten to embrace yet. I want that. I want my hopes and dreams and beliefs, I want what I have spent over the past year and a half building and working towards.
*shrugs*