Blocked
Fri ,06/11/2009I sit here on this crisp, cold November morning, warm and sound at my kitchen table, a small french press of freshly ground Sumatra at hand, and my daughter in the other room watching Curious George. I’ve dropped my son off at school, and am glad to be back in the house. The grass, leaves, and roofs of the surrounding structures in the neighborhood are all a-glitter, frost covering them and transforming them into brittle little sculptures. I still haven’t gotten the inflatable pool from the summer completely cleared of water, and there is now a thin layer of ice on top. I’m enjoying watching sparrows fly up and land on the butterfly bush outside my kitchen window, with smoke curling out of the chimney of the neighbors behind me. It’s … a peaceful sort of morning.
I’ve been finding myself seriously blocked lately. Standing in my own way. I have these grand ambitions of cleaning my house, going through boxes that have been sitting here this past … almost a year now, wow … and throwing away things that I don’t need anymore. Of vacuuming, dusting, washing down walls, mopping, and saging the hell out of everything. Really cleansing, and erasing the memories and ghosts from these walls, releasing the old energy to make room for the new. Dishes need doing, kids clothes needs to be gone through and the small stuff bagged up for friends and charity. The lawn needs one last mowing and the leaves need raking, and my compost pile still needs to come to fruition, if I’m going to have new soil for the spring. My resume needs updating, and posting, and printing, and I need to be tracking down job leads. I have a lot on my plate, and I know all this needs to get done, and … every time I go to do it, I just end up staring at it, and turning right back around, and sitting back down.
I feel really ineffective right now. Real hopeless. The thing is, as long as I’m thinking this… I’m right. I’m caught in a paradox. I have to be able try to care, but I have to be able to care to try. Which comes first? I see this, I know this. I know all it takes is a little effort in the face of this malaise, to be able to start to overcome it. I want to overcome it. And I can’t seem to bring myself to. I’m suffering some serious blockage here, and it’s starting to worry me. Even with this worry, I sit here, and pull the blankets over my head, as if that makes it less real somehow.
What do YOU do to get through times like this, and get moving again? I need some advice on this one, and so I turn to you, dear friends. I’d love to hear your thoughts.