old man sutton

The adventures through life and spirit of a single father, lover and man.

I know I’ve been coming out with a lot of negativity lately.  Anger, depression, a sense that maybe I’m just ready to give up.  Yes, I have these emotions just like everybody else.  I tend to process things out loud.  I’ve always had the best of luck figuring out the things I can’t seem to wrap my mind around, by bouncing them off others.  Sometimes, whoever I’m talking to doesn’t even have to say anything.  What really helps me, is getting it OUTSIDE of myself.  By saying it out loud (or writing it down as it were), I can then hear or see it as an observer.  You know the saying that some situations are easier to see the answers for those outside of them?  It’s like that.  Well, it’s like that.  It held true back when I was employed as a software engineer.  If I’d spend hours running in circles with a particularly difficult logic problem in my code, and couldn’t seem to find the answer no matter what I was thinking, I’d often corner a co-worker or boss, and tell them about it.  Often, just the act of saying what I had tried, would suddenly make it obvious.  By putting things in terms that somebody else can understand, and saying out loud, you really have a chance to HEAR yourself.  How many times do people come to us for advice, and we see so obviously what the solution is?  By asking out loud for advice from others, it does much the same thing for me.  I hear what I’m saying, as if somebody else asked it, and suddenly it’s just so OBVIOUS!  Half the time, I end up answering my own questions and solving my own problems, just by voicing it aloud.

Anyways, this is the way I work.  I CRAVE understanding.  I have a highly logical frame of mind, and I seek to know the reasons behind any problems in my life.  I ask questions, try to establish facts, etc.  It’s not to say that I’m some kind of data collecting robot who just analyzes what he knows, no.  I also am able to use intuition to a great deal to skip a lot of the logical steps and arrive closer to the heart of the matter.  However, the more facts I have, the more I can either support or deny the accuracy of my intuitive findings.

I’m thinking this morning about how others perceive me.  I don’t often stop and think how others see the ways I behave.  *I* know what I mean, and I often assume that others will too, but that is so rarely the case.  All my life, I seem to push people away or piss people off, because I can come off as arrogant and condescending.  I can seem pushy and clingy.  I’m really not any of these inside.  If I know the solution to somebody else’s problem, I’m quick to offer that to them, figuring people would like to move past the problems by eliminating them, and tend to forget about all the emotions that must be dealt with for them to more effectively do so.  I hate seeing people in pain, so I continually try to cheer them up when they’re at their most low, when I need to just be listening.  I love doing the things that make me the happiest, and when those involve another person, sometimes can’t see that at that moment, what they’re really craving is some space and and alone time.  As intuitive as I can be, as empathic, as logical…. sometimes I’m just bloody clueless.  So then I start asking questions, trying to get a read on the situation.  I don’t want to be clueless, I don’t want to hurt my relationships with others, so then I become overly cautious.  Asking questions, trying to understand.  I do this from a place of compassion, but it’s often perceived of as clingy and needy.  And that always blows me away and hurts.

The thing is, the things I do, while they make sense to me, where I see myself doing them out of love, empathy, caring, etc… oftentimes they’re not seen that way by those around me.  There’s a big difference in how I perceive myself, and how others perceive me.  Yet, at the same time, there’s often a big difference in how I perceive others as well, as opposed to how they perceive themselves.  Nobody can really look at me and understand what’s going on inside my head, they’re not mind readers.  And the same holds true for me.  Despite the empathy, despite the sometimes intuitive leaps to the heart of a problem, despite all that, I’m just not a bloody mind reader.  I know this, so when I just can’t seem to understand, I start asking questions.  And what’s upsetting to me, is how often this is perceived as a bad thing.  I ask questions, out of a desire to understand someone, because I care, and want to not upset them with my lack of understanding.  And by doing so, I end up driving them away because it’s perceived as being too pushy.

It’s a lose/lose.

The thing is, this always starts out as a positive.  A desire to communicate, to have openness and honesty with each other, the basis of good, healthy relationships, be they friendships, romances, familial, what have you.  And somewhere over time the doors of openness, honesty, of communication itself start shutting, and I’m left rattling the doorknob, seeking to understand, confused as  to what happened, while others have formed this opinion of me that I just can’t see.  I know this opinion isn’t true, but by seeking to understand what caused this, and trying to fix it, I just end up doing more damage.  How can we better ourselves if nobody is willing to tell us the hard and brutal truths that we can’t see for ourselves?

There are many things I can see in myself that are more negative, that I do have answers for, and I know what causes them.  I can get overly jealous, when there is reason to be jealous.  If somebody is in love with me, but telling me she may end up looking for love elsewhere, then yes, this comes to the front, and it spreads to jealousy everywhere.  Show me love and loyalty, and I have no reason to be jealous, and I’m not.  I can be demanding of others time, if we never get to spend time together.  The less time I’m given, the more I crave to find ANY time.  The more any positive is taken away that I once enjoyed, the more negatively I react.  This is why I think communication of the why’s is so important.  I need that to keep the snap reactions at bay.

I know I’m a good and wonderful person.  I know I’m special.  I know I’m beautiful, and smart, and sexy, and that when I put my mind to it, I am capable of the most amazing things.  I know I’m funny, I’m interesting, and that I’m a good conversationalist.  I know my heart is in the right place.  I know I’m a good person, and worthy of being loved in return.  I give love freely to everybody I meet, and I open myself bare to strangers, in the hopes of furthering that love and trust in humanity that we all need and have lost.  I know I’m a good person, but sometimes, I’m just at a loss why others can’t see it.  I have this perception of myself internally, but if it comes across negatively externally, is it possible I’m doing something wrong?

I’m not looking for hugs and “of course you’re a good person, don’t ever doubt that”.  I know I am.  (Well ok, you can give me that too if you want, I don’t ever really get tired of hearing it)  What I’m looking for here, are hard truths and brutal honesty.  I’d rather hear a hard and painful truth than an omission or pleasant white lie.  I’m at a loss as how to bring my internal motives, intentions, and view of myself across in my external relationships so that others see it as well.  I’m asking for advice today, because even after voicing this aloud, I’m still not finding the answer.

I’m kind of upset this morning.  I’ll get to that in a moment, but first I want to start with something positive.  Rue, a “sister of the soul” if you will, over at “Rue and Hyssop“, apparently has nominated me for an award!

OMG!  An award!  *tears up*  There’s so many people I want to thank…. The gods, of course, the academy….   *gigglesnort*

Seriously though, I’m really touched that anybody appreciates my writing, and lately I’ve been surrounded by people with nothing but nice things to say.  Thank you so much Rue!

Of course this award comes with obligations, and while I’m not usually a fan of “chain-awards”, I’m going to follow along this time, because there are definitely others I would love to nominate or at least acknowledge as well.  Please don’t feel obligated to follow the rules if you don’t want to!

The rules are:
1) Link back to the blog/blogger who nominated you.
2) Paste the picture of the award in your award post
3) Nominate bloggers you think deliver great comments to your blog
4) E-mail/post/tweet or do whatever you need to do to inform these bloggers they have been nominated for an award.

I’m going to skip number 4, because.. if I’m nominating people who comment on my blog, I assume they’re going to figure it out, lol!  If I list you below, feel free to accept that as a nomination.  =)

First off, Lyon, Erin, Jupiter and Bella.  You fine ladies have been with me from the beginning, and were leaving comments long before anybody else was reading.  There were so many times where I wanted to just stop writing, figuring I was just talking to myself, and you were there with words of encouragement and support.  Without your comments and recognition, I never would have come this far.  It meant more to me far more than I could ever hope to express.  I really can’t express my thanks enough.

More recently, as I’ve started to accumulate followers, Mary, Mother Moon, and Faerwillow are always here with comments that help affirm my own beliefs, beautiful words of compassion, solidarity and wisdom.  You ladies are amazing, and your words help me oh so much.

Of course, Rue, my sister from another mister, I’ve saved you for last.  You as well are more eloquent and wise than you give yourself credit for.  I always look forward to reading what you have to write.  You make me laugh, smile, and think.  Thank you so much!

Of course, I appreciate every single person who comments.  I don’t want to leave anybody out.  Every comment I get reminds me why I write, and I’m so glad that my paltry prose can touch so many people beyond my wildest expectations.  Thank you everybody, I do this as much to read your reactions as to vent my own thoughts.  I adore you all!

And with the positive out of the way, it’s time also to balance this and explore some of this negative I’m feeling.

Last night, I was overcome with one of those crazy, DOOM feelings.  I’m sure some of you more empathic or psychic types know what I’m talking about.  Have you ever been hit with a CERTAINTY that something, somewhere, was horribly, terribly wrong, only to find out later that there’s been an accident, death, major illness, something?  After a while we learn to listen to these, and tend to FREAK OUT when they hit.  Well, last night one hit for me, and I panicked.  I started calling people I know and who are close to me to make sure everybody was ok.

One friend I called, as she is one of those people who’ve been hit with winter storm after storm.  I knew she was going to be busy yesterday, however as the time got on way past when I would have expected to see her, and word still ceased to come, and with that impending doom feeling, I was worried perhaps she had been in an accident.  It would explain the depth of that feeling I was having.  She ended up being fine, she had had company over and the visit was running much later than normal.  Fine, no big deal, was just glad she was ok.

What has me perturbed, is that she was unable to treat me normally while her company was present, at the risk of angering him.  He doesn’t like me.  I guess I can’t blame him.  And despite that holding back of treating me how she normally would were I to call, apparently my phone call triggered some sort of argument, enough for her to later accuse me of ruining her evening.

Wait, what?  (Warning: Strong language ahead, because I’m mad)

I totally fail to see how me calling a friend, genuinely concerned for her well being, is to blame for her “ruined” evening.  My phone call may have been a trigger, but it’s not my fault that somebody didn’t have the self control to handle the situation like a fucking adult.  If anybody is at fault, shouldn’t it be the person who’s overreaction to my telephone call caused her the distress?  I’m sorry, but you’re not adult enough to accept that she can be friends with whoever the hell she wants?  To the point that she can’t even be herself to me when he’s around?  And what does that say about me?  I can’t be her friend if he’s around?  I can’t call her, she can’t treat me like she normally would, because HE might get mad, but I’M expected to be an adult about it?  I accept he’s a part of her life, her friend, even though I have my own reasons to dislike him as well, I don’t stand in the way of that. Her reaction when I called was to get pissed at me, thinking that I’m calling to “check up on her”.  Well yeah, I was checking to make sure she was ok, I had no reason to expect her other male friend was still there.  And even if he IS there, I’m not allowed to call because he might get mad and ruin her evening?

I’m sorry, but I don’t think her problem is with ME.  And I have to admit that I’m still carrying some hurt and resentment that I took the blame on that one for calling. Even if she did later apologize. It’s less the reaction, and more the double standard.

I’m not trying to villify anybody.  I’m not trying to cause arguments.  But damnit, I am sitting here wondering if I’m that far off base here.  If you’re my friend at all, you should be able to be my friend no matter who is around, no matter what THEY feel for me, or how hard THEIR reaction to that is going to be.  It’s not MY fault THEY can’t grow the fuck up and let you be friends with whoever you want to be without being threatened by that, whether they have reason to be or no.  If they can’t handle that, I’M not the bad friend.  I’m NOT the only one who has to accept things.  I have to accept him being her friend just as much, and I’m expected to be an adult about it.  I’m expected to stay civil and understanding. For the most part I keep my mouth shut, or try to. I’m not completely without fault.  But I have to walk around on eggshells lest he get hurt or upset, while at the same time I have to be understanding anytime he’s around? What the hell is that? The double standard and blame shifting are getting old.  I realize this is just MY side of the story, but CHRIST.

I have a different friend, and her husband doesn’t like me.  When I was married, my ex-wife didn’t like her.  This caused us to lose contact with each other, and I always resented my ex for that.  Well, her and I recently reconnected.  When I asked her if that was going to cause problems, she said, “It might, it might not, but you’re my friend, it doesn’t really matter what he thinks.”  Well, apparently it did cause problems, but they sure as hell didn’t get blamed on me.

Ok…. *pants*  I’ve got it out.  I’m sorry to air my dirty laundry in public, and I’m not looking to name names.  I’m not going to do that.  But.  What I’m wondering is… what the hell?  I’m tired of being the bad guy because of how others react.

Going to go wander off now and cool back down.  I feel better having got that off my chest.  And yes, I’ll move on from this, it’s not the end of the world.

Also… I still haven’t figured out where that DOOM feeling was coming from.  Praying you all are well and healthy this morning.