Evolution
Mon ,05/10/2009Things have been fairly quiet for me the last couple of days, which I’m thankful for. I’ve been pretty quiet, which I’m feeling a little less than thankful for right now. Have spent the past few days licking my wounds, internalizing, gathering my strength. Trying to find center again in a life that is rapidly becoming a nexus in terms of cataclysmic life altering changes all happening at the same time.
As it stands right now, in 18 days I will be joining the masses of unemployed struggling to find jobs, trying to make do as a single father, with a mortgage, leftover marital credit-card debt, all the normal bills, and child support on the limited budget that unemployment wages provide. If I’m lucky. I still haven’t heard for sure if, as a contractor, I’m even elligible for unemployment. Changing jobs has always been one of the scariest things in my life for me. I don’t know why. It’s terrifying….. Deep breath….. Moving on.
My ex-wife is getting ready to move in with someone else in November. With the kids. I’m finding as time goes on, I’m accepting this more and more. He’s a good guy. The kids love him. He still respects me as their dad. He treats her good. They really love each other. That’s all that matters. Still though … it’s a big change. A hard, hard departure from what life used to be. I worry about her, and I worry about the kids. I just want to make sure they’re happy….. Deep breath….. Exhale….. Moving on.
I recently broke up with Lyon. There’s no way I can even begin to explain how lost I am. I didn’t want to, but right now, at this time, in this place, it’s the right thing for what we want, what I want. I’m still very much hurting and wanting to hold on right now. Life without the relationship side is … definitely a change. A major one. Slow deeeep breath……….. Exhale……….. Moving on.
This morning as I dropped the kids off at daycare, and drove myself to work, I had the privelege of driving straight into the setting moon. Watching it grow larger and larger as the morning grew lighter, the sun rising in oranges and blazing electric purples behind me. Looking around at the trees and fields on my drive to work, noting how much is still green, but how much is just teeming with the brightest, most glowing reds I have ever seen, and bright oranges, and dull faded yellows already beginning to speckle with brown. The air was crisp, cold, I actually had to run the heater in the car. It was gorgeous. Life was made for moments like that. It reminds me that everything will be ok. Those are the moments in life worth having. Whether you have money, or you have someone to share it with, or whatever. Sure, those things can help. But the joy and happiness in moments like these will STILL BE HERE… and they’ll still be amazing.
I still want someone to share it with. I still know who that is. But. Not right now. That’s a huge thing to wrap my mind around. It is. But I’ll get there. The ex-wife will move in with the man she loves, and I’m ok with that. I’m working on grasping the enormity of it. But I’ll get there. I’ll do the absolute best I can to find a job. I can’t give up. I’m putting a lot of faith in deity on this one. And I’ll play the cards they choose to give. Come what may. I’ll get there.
Positive thought, positive action … don’t fail me now.
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