A Rant on Discouraging Self-Worth
Thu ,18/03/2010Ok, so I’ve been seeing a sentiment crop up more and more lately, that has really been setting my teeth on edge. The sentiment goes as such: ”The passion and fire in a relationship, that IN-LOVE feeling is something that will always fade the longer you are in the relationship. This is just something that we can make ourselves feel for anyone. What’s more important is just having love, and not being able to picture being apart.”
Ok, I’ll agree that love itself is very important to a relationship. But being afraid to be apart? That’s not healthy. Wanting to be close is fine, but being afraid to be apart is not. It’s more than possible to be and STAY in love with somebody even over a distance or time. And I am absolutely livid about this sentiment towards BEING IN LOVE being something that will always fade over time. There are many couples out there, who even 50 years later, are still looking at each other with such a fire and passion as to make one want to look away out of respect. The statement that it DOESN’T exist says to somebody, “I can’t possibly be expected to be passionate and in love with you for the long haul. You’re not THAT great. But look, I can pretend to be, and that’s just as good!”
What the fuck is that? This sentiment seems to be used by people who DON’T have that passion for somebody, but are too scared to acknowledge what that really means about their relationship. Yes, RELATIONSHIPS take work. The only time being IN LOVE takes work, is when that passion isn’t there. Without passion, what do you have left besides a comfort-zone and a co-dependent attachment? If you really believe that, what does that say about the person you are in a relationship with? If you aren’t that passionate about someone, why even bother? And how dare you say that to someone you love. Look what you’re telling them. ”You aren’t something I can stay passionate about.” You’re effectively tearing that person down, and that is NOT an act of love.
What does that do to their sense of self worth? What does it to do yours when directed at you?
What is it besides your own projected fear that you’re not good enough to ever find it for yourself, or that you don’t even possibly deserve it.
I think it’s a sentiment that’s thrown around by people who have never found somebody they ARE that passionate about, and are scared they never will. And that’s just sad.
What you’re left with, without that flame, without that passion, is nothing more than an unhealthy attachment. There may still be love there. There probably will be. The human capacity for love can extend to ALL people. This is the danger of attachment. Love and attachment to a person are a recipe for misery. But what then, is being IN-LOVE, if not another form of attachment? I hold that there are healthy, and unhealthy forms of attachment. Being attached to something that fills your being, fans the flames, stirs your passion, makes you smile, puts a spring in your step, what have you … these are positive frames of mind, a state of being present, of being nurturing to ourselves, and we should all strive to seek out and grab on to those things in our life that reflect that. To hold on to the positive. This is more about affirmation, than attachment. Being attached to something because of fear, afraid to let go, because you don’t know what you would do otherwise…. this is unhealthy. It’s fear, pure and simple. And it’s an attachment that the sentiment above propagates.
It’s a sentiment that is used to prolong attachments to our fears. When somebody tells us, “You’re not that good, maybe this is the best you can expect” … well, words do have power, especially if we’re already struggling with out sense of self-worth. It’s a dangerous sentiment, because it is FAR more common to find people who our passion fades for, it’s far more common that we have a low sense of self-esteem to begin with, than it is to believe in ourselves or to find those rare ones who our passion grows for. Who everytime we’re together we see and feel that bond and stand in amazement, unable to control the flow of positive emotions that demand we continue to grow that. We should want to draw closer out of a sense of passion and celebration, not out of a fear of losing. It’s dangerous, because it gives us an excuse to stay chained to fear and low sense of self-worth.
For me, I’ll hold out for, “I DO feel that passion for you, it grows every day, and we magnify that in each other.”
For me, that’s the kind of relationship that’s going to be worth having. Mutually shared passion, that feeds and grows and magnifies each other. I’ve tried the other kind. It doesn’t keep me happy for long. If I’m not somebody my mate can remain passionate about, then what does that say about how they view me? And what does that do my own self-esteem?
If I should always believe in myself, if I should love myself, how can I settle for anything less than somebody who believes and loves me that deeply as well?
And if I found that with somebody, how can the sentiment of fear and attachment masquerading as “good enough” ever really be good enough?
That’s the way I see it anyways. I like my way better. It speaks more true to my heart. Settle for nothing but the best. I could be happy for a while without that, but it really wouldn’t be living to my full potential.
In other news, I took the kids to a play date at my friend’s house yesterday. Her daughter and the kids played for several hours, and they all had a really good time. I got to catch up with her, and just hang out and talk, and so I had a good time as well. It’s nice to have some actual interaction with another adult from time to time. I love my kids to pieces, but they only manage to fill part of what I need out of life. Simple conversation with another adult is something they can’t pull off (yet).
Tonight we’re going to have dinner at my parents’ house. They know how badly I’m hurting in the wallet right now, so my mom offered to pick us all up after she gets out of work, and help our diminished grocery bill by providing dinner tonight. So that’ll be nice. I do confess that I’m often kind of bored at their house, as there’s little for me to do over there, but on the other hand, it’s good to get out of THIS house every once in a while. Something I’ve been doing a lot more lately.
Saturday at noon I’m going to my friend Tim’s house, and we’re going to do yoga. That should be fun!
Still, with the recent rise in hanging out and spending time with others, ultimately the responsibility for getting out of the house and living my life beyond these walls lies with me, whether there is somebody to do that with or not. This is why I have been spending so much more time going for walks in the woods. I don’t NEED somebody else to be able to live my life. I’m fully capable of doing it on my own. Yes, it’s more fun to share that with friends, family, a lover, what have you. But at the end of the day, the responsibility to do so ALWAYS lies with me. It’s my responsibility to make those wonderful things in my life happen, and they WON’T if I’m too afraid to grab onto them. It’s my responsibility to get out and take care of myself, to live my life. It’s my responsibility to make friends to share it with. It’s my responsibility to take the initiative to call them up. I’ve always been one who will wait for others to ask me. I’m learning to have the balls to take that responsibility on myself more. It’s a two way street, and after neglecting my part in friendships for so long, it’s up to ME to bridge those gaps, and make those calls. That’s the part of relationships that takes work.
So that’s how things are looking right now. Over the past two years, now, or in the future, I haven’t been, and won’t accept anything but the REAL DEAL as far as love and in-love goes, I’m not going to be drawn into anything because somebody else doesn’t know what the real thing actually feels like. I’m not going to stay somewhere because I’m afraid to jump. I’m not going to accept that nobody could possibly breathe passion with me even after we’re familiar with each other. I deserve better than that. And if I’m in a relationship, the person I’m with deserves that as well. I mean, that was the whole POINT of getting this divorce in the first place. Jamie and I both deserved better. If you don’t have that passion for someone, then you really aren’t going to be able to just “fake it ’til you make it.” We all deserve the real deal. Every single one of us. And most of all I deserve to believe in myself enough to accept nothing less than that. That held true when I left Jamie, and it holds just as true today.

