old man sutton

The adventures through life and spirit of a single father, lover and man.

Ok, so I’ve been seeing a sentiment crop up more and more lately, that has really been setting my teeth on edge.  The sentiment goes as such:  ”The passion and fire in a relationship, that IN-LOVE feeling is something that will always fade the longer you are in the relationship.  This is just something that we can make ourselves feel for anyone.  What’s more important is just having love, and not being able to picture being apart.”

Ok, I’ll agree that love itself is very important to a relationship.  But being afraid to be apart?  That’s not healthy.  Wanting to be close is fine, but being afraid to be apart is not.  It’s more than possible to be and STAY in love with somebody even over a distance or time.  And I am absolutely livid about this sentiment towards BEING IN LOVE being something that will always fade over time.  There are many couples out there, who even 50 years later, are still looking at each other with such a fire and passion as to make one want to look away out of respect.  The statement that it DOESN’T exist says to somebody, “I can’t possibly be expected to be passionate and in love with you for the long haul.  You’re not THAT great.  But look, I can pretend to be, and that’s just as good!”

What the fuck is that?  This sentiment seems to be used by people who DON’T have that passion for somebody, but are too scared to acknowledge what that really means about their relationship.  Yes, RELATIONSHIPS take work.  The only time being IN LOVE takes work, is when that passion isn’t there.  Without passion, what do you have left besides a comfort-zone and a co-dependent attachment?  If you really believe that, what does that say about the person you are in a relationship with?  If you aren’t that passionate about someone, why even bother?  And how dare you say that to someone you love.  Look what you’re telling them.  ”You aren’t something I can stay passionate about.”  You’re effectively tearing that person down, and that is NOT an act of love.

What does that do to their sense of self worth?  What does it to do yours when directed at you?

What is it besides your own projected fear that you’re not good enough to ever find it for yourself, or that you don’t even possibly deserve it.

I think it’s a sentiment that’s thrown around by people who have never found somebody they ARE that passionate about, and are scared they never will.  And that’s just sad.

What you’re left with, without that flame, without that passion, is nothing more than an unhealthy attachment.  There may still be love there.  There probably will be.  The human capacity for love can extend to ALL people.  This is the danger of attachment.  Love and attachment to a person are a recipe for misery.  But what then, is being IN-LOVE, if not another form of attachment?  I hold that there are healthy, and unhealthy forms of attachment.  Being attached to something that fills your being, fans the flames, stirs your passion, makes you smile, puts a spring in your step, what have you … these are positive frames of mind, a state of being present, of being nurturing to ourselves, and we should all strive to seek out and grab on to those things in our life that reflect that.  To hold on to the positive.  This is more about affirmation, than attachment.  Being attached to something because of fear, afraid to let go, because you don’t know what you would do otherwise…. this is unhealthy.  It’s fear, pure and simple.  And it’s an attachment that the sentiment above propagates.

It’s a sentiment that is used to prolong attachments to our fears.   When somebody tells us, “You’re not that good, maybe this is the best you can expect” … well, words do have power, especially if we’re already struggling with out sense of self-worth.  It’s a dangerous sentiment, because it is FAR more common to find people who our passion fades for, it’s far more common that we have a low sense of self-esteem to begin with, than it is to believe in ourselves or to find those rare ones who our passion grows for.  Who everytime we’re together we see and feel that bond and stand in amazement, unable to control the flow of positive emotions that demand we continue to grow that.  We should want to draw closer out of a sense of passion and celebration, not out of a fear of losing.  It’s dangerous, because it gives us an excuse to stay chained to fear and low sense of self-worth.

For me, I’ll hold out for, “I DO feel that passion for you, it grows every day, and we magnify that in each other.”

For me, that’s the kind of relationship that’s going to be worth having.  Mutually shared passion, that feeds and grows and magnifies each other.  I’ve tried the other kind.  It doesn’t keep me happy for long.  If I’m not somebody my mate can remain passionate about, then what does that say about how they view me?  And what does that do my own self-esteem?

If I should always believe in myself, if I should love myself, how can I settle for anything less than somebody who believes and loves me that deeply as well?

And if I found that with somebody, how can the sentiment of fear and attachment masquerading as “good enough” ever really be good enough?

That’s the way I see it anyways.  I like my way better.  It speaks more true to my heart.  Settle for nothing but the best.  I could be happy for a while without that, but it really wouldn’t be living to my full potential.

In other news, I took the kids to a play date at my friend’s house yesterday.  Her daughter and the kids played for several hours, and they all had a really good time.  I got to catch up with her, and just hang out and talk, and so I had a good time as well.  It’s nice to have some actual interaction with another adult from time to time.  I love my kids to pieces, but they only manage to fill part of what I need out of life.  Simple conversation with another adult is something they can’t pull off (yet).

Tonight we’re going to have dinner at my parents’ house.  They know how badly I’m hurting in the wallet right now, so my mom offered to pick us all up after she gets out of work, and help our diminished grocery bill by providing dinner tonight.  So that’ll be nice.  I do confess that I’m often kind of bored at their house, as there’s little for me to do over there, but on the other hand, it’s good to get out of THIS house every once in a while.  Something I’ve been doing a lot more lately.

Saturday at noon I’m going to my friend Tim’s house, and we’re going to do yoga.  That should be fun!

Still, with the recent rise in hanging out and spending time with others, ultimately the responsibility for getting out of the house and living my life beyond these walls lies with me, whether there is somebody to do that with or not.  This is why I have been spending so much more time going for walks in the woods.  I don’t NEED somebody else to be able to live my life.  I’m fully capable of doing it on my own.  Yes, it’s more fun to share that with friends, family, a lover, what have you.  But at the end of the day, the responsibility to do so ALWAYS lies with me.  It’s my responsibility to make those wonderful things in my life happen, and they WON’T if I’m too afraid to grab onto them.  It’s my responsibility to get out and take care of myself, to live my life.  It’s my responsibility to make friends to share it with.  It’s my responsibility to take the initiative to call them up.  I’ve always been one who will wait for others to ask me.  I’m learning to have the balls to take that responsibility on myself more.  It’s a two way street, and after neglecting my part in friendships for so long, it’s up to ME to bridge those gaps, and make those calls.  That’s the part of relationships that takes work.

So that’s how things are looking right now.  Over the past two years, now, or in the future, I haven’t been, and won’t accept anything but the REAL DEAL as far as love and in-love goes, I’m not going to be drawn into anything because somebody else doesn’t know what the real thing actually feels like.  I’m not going to stay somewhere because I’m afraid to jump.  I’m not going to accept that nobody could possibly breathe passion with me even after we’re familiar with each other.  I deserve better than that.  And if I’m in a relationship, the person I’m with deserves that as well.  I mean, that was the whole POINT of getting this divorce in the first place.  Jamie and I both deserved better.  If you don’t have that passion for someone, then you really aren’t going to be able to just “fake it ’til you make it.”  We all deserve the real deal.  Every single one of us.  And most of all I deserve to believe in myself enough to accept nothing less than that.  That held true when I left Jamie, and it holds just as true today.

Good morning all! A very happy Wednesday to you. I’m currently adjusting to a new visitation schedule with the kids that will be in full effect next week. This week, there is a transition period. I have to admit I’m looking forward to this a LOT. I’ve had the kids every single weekend for the past year and a half, and I’m looking forward to having free weekends again! There was something relaxing about having weekdays as my weekends, but it’s not exactly conducive to having a social life. Everybody I know works, and so I’d spend my “days off” lonely and bored. Sure that’s fun and necessary once in a while, but I’m here to tell you that it drags on me. After a year and a half, I’m ready to have “adult” (not like that) time on the weekends again.

I’m also finding myself making a bit more effort on things that need to be happening internally in my own life. Tweaks here and there. I’m feeling a lot more positive lately as a result. Still have my emotional struggles in the day to day, but maintaining that positive outlook more and more regardless of that. Coming to greater understandings of some of the “why’s” in my personal relationships and circumstances. This week hasn’t been that kind to me so far, but that’s ok! I’m looking at life and saying, “OK! ENOUGH already, I get it, you can stop smacking me around.” Taking more time to listen. Spending some more time internally. It’s not really what I want right now, but if it’s necessary, then fighting it is just stupid. So that’s where I’m standing today.

You probably noticed by now that I’ve styled my blog a bit differently. It’s more personal and pleasing to me. I liked the old picture and colors, but these mean so much more to me. Also I see it as a way of honoring the coming spring and summer.

I’m thinking this morning, that I’d like to share some more about myself with you all. I’ve listed things I’m grateful for in the past. So today, I thought I’d share some confessions about myself instead. The good, the bad, and the hilarious.

I am a Gemini (sun sign), Aries (moon sign) and Virgo (ascending sign).

My father wanted to name me “Lunch Money”, and I’ve always thought that was the coolest thing ever, and I’m kind of disappointed he didn’t.

I am very stubborn and headstrong. I like to do things my OWN way. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been this way. The more somebody pushes me to do something, the more I fight. And when I make up my mind, it takes a lot to make me change it.

I still miss the good aspects of my old marriage from time to time. Some days the loss of that still make me cry. But I still believe I did the right thing, even if the cost was so high as to be nearly unbearable.

This morning while driving to pick up the kids, I burst into song in the car. I spontaneously made up and sang a song about how great it was to see the sun, and about dreams coming true. I sang it in a majestic baritone that surprised even myself, and it totally made my morning. I have to admit to being inspired by somebody close to me, and she figured largely into the lyrics. lol

I am still very much in love (you know who you are), and although the strength and depth of that emotion hasn’t faded with time (far from it), I’m understanding more how now isn’t the right time to jump into that. Not with so much work on self that still needs to be done, on both our parts. That was always and ever the point, and the strength of these emotions makes it hard to focus on that sometimes. Sure I’d still love to be able to embrace that from time to time and think that’d be ok, but I understand too how distracting and consuming that can become.

I do believe I found the right person for me, the one, even if we can’t have that right now.

I really want to learn how to blacksmith.

When I was in school, I played a musical instrument: the clarinet. I was mocked for this, playing a “girl’s instrument”, until years later the other guys suddenly realized that they were sitting segregated off in dude-land, while I was surrounded by women. Hehe, suckers.

I’m a hopeless, helpless romantic with the right person.

My water is currently shut off, and I took a shower this morning with two gallons of water in a jug. I’m looking at the positive of this, in that I’ve conserved water today.

I’m hopelessly in love with my kids, even if they do make me want to strangle them.

I love long car drives. I really miss driving down to Indiana, or home from Lansing early in the morning. It’s a long boring drive, but it’s exciting in its own way. Also, these are some of the only times I really have to blast my music at top volume and sing at the top of my lungs.

I’m a sucker for sunrises and sunsets. They’re so beautiful and romantic. The transition from day to night, and night to day, is a time full of such magical energy and potential.

I’m a total coffee snob. I live on strong coffee, love it, can’t get enough!

On the occasions I have to drink, I prefer red wine or Guinness. I normally limit myself to one or two.

My spiritual life has been rather un-extraordinary lately, and I really miss that.

I still like watching cartoons and playing with Legos. Having kids is like having a second childhood for myself, as I get to do these things all over again, lol!

There are certain spots in Richmond, Indiana, that are forever burned into my memory. Glenn Miller Park, and the Whitewater Gorge.

I’m a dork, and I’m ok with that.

I have three manifestations of the Divine that I specifically honor. I was chosen by Herne and Freyja, and I also chose Brighid.

I check myself out in the mirror, and I think I’m pretty hot. I’d hit that. LOL!

When I close my eyes there is only one person’s face there, and when I wake up in the mornings, one person who I always think of first.

I have a hard time accepting compliments, because I’m not used to them. I can be very hard on myself sometimes.

I believe in fairy tales, and that dreams can come true. I believe all we have to do to have those, is to grab onto them when we see them. And I believe we know when we see them.

I often walk barefoot in the snow.

My feet aren’t ticklish, unless I really really like you.

Despite how often I want to give up, I never really truly lose hope. Hope is what keeps me going.

I love nature. This one should be obvious, but. FOR REAL. I’m happiest when I’m outside.

I believe that while people change, there is a core person in all of us, our soul maybe, or what have you, that never changes, and this is the level we truly connect with people on.

Ever since last November, I have a very soft spot in my heart for elevators. Anytime I get in an elevator, I have the cheesiest grin on my face.

My last birthday was the best day of my entire life. Hands down. Waterfalls, love, nature in the upper peninsula. Camping, rivers, standing knee deep in a lake, hiking through hills, stands of lilacs. There’s no way I could ever express how beautiful that day and the preceding days were. But, that was honestly the BEST few days of my life, ever. I believe many more like that could be possible in the future.

I also confess that this post is getting incredibly long!

Wishing you all a wonderful Wednesday, much love to you all!

When last I posted, almost two week ago, I was heading up north to Traverse City to visit my cousin. I promised updates, and even though they’re not timely, updates you shall have! The drive up was insane, I’d only made it twice before, so was pretty unfamiliar with it, especially in the dark…. and adding in several back road detours with a poor showing of signs informing of what way to go, really didn’t help. Neither did the freak blizzard. Visibility was BAD, at a time of year when the deer tend to move around. I made it there safe however. It was very nice and welcome, to just have several days where I didn’t really worry about anything. We had amazing coffee (one of his roommates works at a coffee bean roasting shop), great food, and ended up playing a lot of games and just hanging out. I know, not an exciting update, but that really was about the extent of it. One day I took a walk down to the beach on Grand Traverse Bay, and sat there watching the waves and writing poetry. That was nice. Very zen.

Anyways, it’s much later now, and I’ve been home for quite some time. Been rather difficult here lately, dealing with bills and a pretty noticeable lack of money with which to pay them. Been COLD too. I think yesterday, with windchill, we got down to -4F. Not fun. Been trying to stay warm and start organizing the house and getting rid of all the clutter that never gets used, looked at, or remembered. Took some time to reconnect with my neighbor next door, we teamed up on shoveling the first major snowfall, and then chilled out with some coffee over at his place. He’s a great neighbor, a real friendly guy, and I really enjoy his company.

Other than that… hmmm. The job hunt continues, and while waiting I’ve been playing more games. The boredom is definitely looming and threatening. I don’t think it’s the unemployment that sucks as much as not having money to do all the things I wish I could be doing. Even gas costs money to drive places, and I’m conserving HARD. Making more bread from scratch, cooking more large meals. My dad has harvested numerous deer this season, and is helping to keep my freezer full of meat, and I still have several filets of salmon from my fishing trip this summer. Thankfully, this leaves me with vegetables to buy, which are cheap.

Ok, rambly ramble rambling. Blah blah blah. I’ve been pretty dry in the old brain-well, not really sure what to write about lately. Going to wrap this up, and wish you all a happy weekend!

I had plans to be out of town this week, indeed, to be out of state even. Unfortunately, sometime things don’t always happen the way we want them to, and I’ve found myself at a loss for what to do now. I COULD stay, I’d like to. I don’t really feel exceedingly social this close on the heels of disappointment. It would be very easy to hole up and spend my time moping. I COULD get outside and finish cleaning up my yard before the snow starts falling, but … let’s be honest. It’s not likely to happen in my current mood. What to do, what to do.

I’ve since decided to take my cousin up on an earlier offer to come up north and hang out with him for the week in Traverse City. Traverse City, for those of you who haven’t been, is a GORGEOUS town in the northwest “corner” of Michigan’s lower peninsula. It’s famous for its cherries, golf, bay, sand dunes and other things that I can’t remember (read: make up) at the moment. It’s hilly and wild and settled all at the same time, and I love the land up there. I’m hoping this will be a good get away. While on the one hand I’m afraid I’m too depressed and down right now to have any fun, at the same time, I’m thinking that surrounding myself with good cheer and people who enjoy my company is just what the doctor ordered to help me kick this. Ryan, following his own advice? I know, right? It happens occasionally, I swear!

So, here’s to you blog land. Wishing you well while I take a much needed sabbatical from “home” and my worries for a while, and head up to the great hopefully-not-so-white north.

And if I don’t get back on time … Happy birthday Lyon on Thursday. =)

*hugs*

Ok, damnit, this is important to me. I’m not going to leave the last post by itself. I was going to do yoga this morning, and waken up my body, try to find peace and serenity to face the day with. But I can’t just go into today, without finding something to be grateful for. I’m more positive than that. Time to do a little “yoga of the soul” I guess, and stretch out and really reach for that, and breathe into it, and feel myself awakening. I’m sure I have things I’m grateful for, even if on the outside, I don’t seem to have much of anything.

I am grateful for my children, who, even though they are a pain in my ass, and often cause me to feel like the world’s worst parent, still love me despite all my shortcomings. They count on me, they depend on me, they need me, and I am grateful for their unwavering trust and love.

I am grateful for my family. Even though they set my teeth on edge, and as the years go on, I find I have less and less in common with them, they’re my family. They’ve been there for me no matter what. Even when I’ve gone against everything they think I should do, have made mistakes, have lashed out at them, they’ve always been on my side. They haven’t always agreed, but they have accepted that I’m able to make my own choices, and stood by me when I made them. The more I look out at others, the more I realize how rare that really is. So I’m thankful for that.

I’m grateful for Lyon, even though we’re not at a place right now where I can have the parts of her that really make me the happiest. I’m still thankful that she is in my life, as a friend, as a confidant. I’m thankful for her in so many ways. I’m thankful she showed me what love really is, and I’m thankful we got to experience that, even if the time was far too short. I’m thankful for the love I still feel for her, and the love she still feels for me, even if we can’t embrace it now, even if we can’t ever again, I’m blessed to have seen what it was. There’s not enough time in the universe to fully experience that, so I should consider myself lucky to have experienced it for any time at all. Even if I can’t have it right now, my life is more full and meaningful for having got to at all.

I’m thankful for hope. Without it, I’d have given up and stopped living long before now. Hope that things will get better. That every cloud has a silver lining. That at the end of the rainbow is a pot of gold, and that along the paths through life things will someday work out for the best. Hope that no matter how dark things get, that there will be light again.

I’m thankful that I took the time to do this. I’m thankful that even though everything in my life has gone pretty much the opposite of what I’ve wanted, that everything dear to me seems to be slipping through my fingers, that even though I don’t have a job, money, a partner, security or comfort, that I’m still able to look at life and see the positive, even if it does take some work most days. Maybe that’s what this is all about. Maybe only after I have everything taken away from me, can I truly appreciate what comes next. After everything is gone, even the smallest things are miraculous and full of blessings, and imagine what that does for the big things.

I’m thankful that I have friends to talk to, even if it’s all in the virtual world as it were. I don’t think I could have gotten here alone. I love you all.

There, that wasn’t so hard. Have a happy Thanksgiving.