old man sutton

The adventures through life and spirit of a single father, lover and man.

Good morning all! A very happy Wednesday to you. I’m currently adjusting to a new visitation schedule with the kids that will be in full effect next week. This week, there is a transition period. I have to admit I’m looking forward to this a LOT. I’ve had the kids every single weekend for the past year and a half, and I’m looking forward to having free weekends again! There was something relaxing about having weekdays as my weekends, but it’s not exactly conducive to having a social life. Everybody I know works, and so I’d spend my “days off” lonely and bored. Sure that’s fun and necessary once in a while, but I’m here to tell you that it drags on me. After a year and a half, I’m ready to have “adult” (not like that) time on the weekends again.

I’m also finding myself making a bit more effort on things that need to be happening internally in my own life. Tweaks here and there. I’m feeling a lot more positive lately as a result. Still have my emotional struggles in the day to day, but maintaining that positive outlook more and more regardless of that. Coming to greater understandings of some of the “why’s” in my personal relationships and circumstances. This week hasn’t been that kind to me so far, but that’s ok! I’m looking at life and saying, “OK! ENOUGH already, I get it, you can stop smacking me around.” Taking more time to listen. Spending some more time internally. It’s not really what I want right now, but if it’s necessary, then fighting it is just stupid. So that’s where I’m standing today.

You probably noticed by now that I’ve styled my blog a bit differently. It’s more personal and pleasing to me. I liked the old picture and colors, but these mean so much more to me. Also I see it as a way of honoring the coming spring and summer.

I’m thinking this morning, that I’d like to share some more about myself with you all. I’ve listed things I’m grateful for in the past. So today, I thought I’d share some confessions about myself instead. The good, the bad, and the hilarious.

I am a Gemini (sun sign), Aries (moon sign) and Virgo (ascending sign).

My father wanted to name me “Lunch Money”, and I’ve always thought that was the coolest thing ever, and I’m kind of disappointed he didn’t.

I am very stubborn and headstrong. I like to do things my OWN way. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been this way. The more somebody pushes me to do something, the more I fight. And when I make up my mind, it takes a lot to make me change it.

I still miss the good aspects of my old marriage from time to time. Some days the loss of that still make me cry. But I still believe I did the right thing, even if the cost was so high as to be nearly unbearable.

This morning while driving to pick up the kids, I burst into song in the car. I spontaneously made up and sang a song about how great it was to see the sun, and about dreams coming true. I sang it in a majestic baritone that surprised even myself, and it totally made my morning. I have to admit to being inspired by somebody close to me, and she figured largely into the lyrics. lol

I am still very much in love (you know who you are), and although the strength and depth of that emotion hasn’t faded with time (far from it), I’m understanding more how now isn’t the right time to jump into that. Not with so much work on self that still needs to be done, on both our parts. That was always and ever the point, and the strength of these emotions makes it hard to focus on that sometimes. Sure I’d still love to be able to embrace that from time to time and think that’d be ok, but I understand too how distracting and consuming that can become.

I do believe I found the right person for me, the one, even if we can’t have that right now.

I really want to learn how to blacksmith.

When I was in school, I played a musical instrument: the clarinet. I was mocked for this, playing a “girl’s instrument”, until years later the other guys suddenly realized that they were sitting segregated off in dude-land, while I was surrounded by women. Hehe, suckers.

I’m a hopeless, helpless romantic with the right person.

My water is currently shut off, and I took a shower this morning with two gallons of water in a jug. I’m looking at the positive of this, in that I’ve conserved water today.

I’m hopelessly in love with my kids, even if they do make me want to strangle them.

I love long car drives. I really miss driving down to Indiana, or home from Lansing early in the morning. It’s a long boring drive, but it’s exciting in its own way. Also, these are some of the only times I really have to blast my music at top volume and sing at the top of my lungs.

I’m a sucker for sunrises and sunsets. They’re so beautiful and romantic. The transition from day to night, and night to day, is a time full of such magical energy and potential.

I’m a total coffee snob. I live on strong coffee, love it, can’t get enough!

On the occasions I have to drink, I prefer red wine or Guinness. I normally limit myself to one or two.

My spiritual life has been rather un-extraordinary lately, and I really miss that.

I still like watching cartoons and playing with Legos. Having kids is like having a second childhood for myself, as I get to do these things all over again, lol!

There are certain spots in Richmond, Indiana, that are forever burned into my memory. Glenn Miller Park, and the Whitewater Gorge.

I’m a dork, and I’m ok with that.

I have three manifestations of the Divine that I specifically honor. I was chosen by Herne and Freyja, and I also chose Brighid.

I check myself out in the mirror, and I think I’m pretty hot. I’d hit that. LOL!

When I close my eyes there is only one person’s face there, and when I wake up in the mornings, one person who I always think of first.

I have a hard time accepting compliments, because I’m not used to them. I can be very hard on myself sometimes.

I believe in fairy tales, and that dreams can come true. I believe all we have to do to have those, is to grab onto them when we see them. And I believe we know when we see them.

I often walk barefoot in the snow.

My feet aren’t ticklish, unless I really really like you.

Despite how often I want to give up, I never really truly lose hope. Hope is what keeps me going.

I love nature. This one should be obvious, but. FOR REAL. I’m happiest when I’m outside.

I believe that while people change, there is a core person in all of us, our soul maybe, or what have you, that never changes, and this is the level we truly connect with people on.

Ever since last November, I have a very soft spot in my heart for elevators. Anytime I get in an elevator, I have the cheesiest grin on my face.

My last birthday was the best day of my entire life. Hands down. Waterfalls, love, nature in the upper peninsula. Camping, rivers, standing knee deep in a lake, hiking through hills, stands of lilacs. There’s no way I could ever express how beautiful that day and the preceding days were. But, that was honestly the BEST few days of my life, ever. I believe many more like that could be possible in the future.

I also confess that this post is getting incredibly long!

Wishing you all a wonderful Wednesday, much love to you all!

When last I posted, almost two week ago, I was heading up north to Traverse City to visit my cousin. I promised updates, and even though they’re not timely, updates you shall have! The drive up was insane, I’d only made it twice before, so was pretty unfamiliar with it, especially in the dark…. and adding in several back road detours with a poor showing of signs informing of what way to go, really didn’t help. Neither did the freak blizzard. Visibility was BAD, at a time of year when the deer tend to move around. I made it there safe however. It was very nice and welcome, to just have several days where I didn’t really worry about anything. We had amazing coffee (one of his roommates works at a coffee bean roasting shop), great food, and ended up playing a lot of games and just hanging out. I know, not an exciting update, but that really was about the extent of it. One day I took a walk down to the beach on Grand Traverse Bay, and sat there watching the waves and writing poetry. That was nice. Very zen.

Anyways, it’s much later now, and I’ve been home for quite some time. Been rather difficult here lately, dealing with bills and a pretty noticeable lack of money with which to pay them. Been COLD too. I think yesterday, with windchill, we got down to -4F. Not fun. Been trying to stay warm and start organizing the house and getting rid of all the clutter that never gets used, looked at, or remembered. Took some time to reconnect with my neighbor next door, we teamed up on shoveling the first major snowfall, and then chilled out with some coffee over at his place. He’s a great neighbor, a real friendly guy, and I really enjoy his company.

Other than that… hmmm. The job hunt continues, and while waiting I’ve been playing more games. The boredom is definitely looming and threatening. I don’t think it’s the unemployment that sucks as much as not having money to do all the things I wish I could be doing. Even gas costs money to drive places, and I’m conserving HARD. Making more bread from scratch, cooking more large meals. My dad has harvested numerous deer this season, and is helping to keep my freezer full of meat, and I still have several filets of salmon from my fishing trip this summer. Thankfully, this leaves me with vegetables to buy, which are cheap.

Ok, rambly ramble rambling. Blah blah blah. I’ve been pretty dry in the old brain-well, not really sure what to write about lately. Going to wrap this up, and wish you all a happy weekend!

I had plans to be out of town this week, indeed, to be out of state even. Unfortunately, sometime things don’t always happen the way we want them to, and I’ve found myself at a loss for what to do now. I COULD stay, I’d like to. I don’t really feel exceedingly social this close on the heels of disappointment. It would be very easy to hole up and spend my time moping. I COULD get outside and finish cleaning up my yard before the snow starts falling, but … let’s be honest. It’s not likely to happen in my current mood. What to do, what to do.

I’ve since decided to take my cousin up on an earlier offer to come up north and hang out with him for the week in Traverse City. Traverse City, for those of you who haven’t been, is a GORGEOUS town in the northwest “corner” of Michigan’s lower peninsula. It’s famous for its cherries, golf, bay, sand dunes and other things that I can’t remember (read: make up) at the moment. It’s hilly and wild and settled all at the same time, and I love the land up there. I’m hoping this will be a good get away. While on the one hand I’m afraid I’m too depressed and down right now to have any fun, at the same time, I’m thinking that surrounding myself with good cheer and people who enjoy my company is just what the doctor ordered to help me kick this. Ryan, following his own advice? I know, right? It happens occasionally, I swear!

So, here’s to you blog land. Wishing you well while I take a much needed sabbatical from “home” and my worries for a while, and head up to the great hopefully-not-so-white north.

And if I don’t get back on time … Happy birthday Lyon on Thursday. =)

*hugs*

Ok, damnit, this is important to me. I’m not going to leave the last post by itself. I was going to do yoga this morning, and waken up my body, try to find peace and serenity to face the day with. But I can’t just go into today, without finding something to be grateful for. I’m more positive than that. Time to do a little “yoga of the soul” I guess, and stretch out and really reach for that, and breathe into it, and feel myself awakening. I’m sure I have things I’m grateful for, even if on the outside, I don’t seem to have much of anything.

I am grateful for my children, who, even though they are a pain in my ass, and often cause me to feel like the world’s worst parent, still love me despite all my shortcomings. They count on me, they depend on me, they need me, and I am grateful for their unwavering trust and love.

I am grateful for my family. Even though they set my teeth on edge, and as the years go on, I find I have less and less in common with them, they’re my family. They’ve been there for me no matter what. Even when I’ve gone against everything they think I should do, have made mistakes, have lashed out at them, they’ve always been on my side. They haven’t always agreed, but they have accepted that I’m able to make my own choices, and stood by me when I made them. The more I look out at others, the more I realize how rare that really is. So I’m thankful for that.

I’m grateful for Lyon, even though we’re not at a place right now where I can have the parts of her that really make me the happiest. I’m still thankful that she is in my life, as a friend, as a confidant. I’m thankful for her in so many ways. I’m thankful she showed me what love really is, and I’m thankful we got to experience that, even if the time was far too short. I’m thankful for the love I still feel for her, and the love she still feels for me, even if we can’t embrace it now, even if we can’t ever again, I’m blessed to have seen what it was. There’s not enough time in the universe to fully experience that, so I should consider myself lucky to have experienced it for any time at all. Even if I can’t have it right now, my life is more full and meaningful for having got to at all.

I’m thankful for hope. Without it, I’d have given up and stopped living long before now. Hope that things will get better. That every cloud has a silver lining. That at the end of the rainbow is a pot of gold, and that along the paths through life things will someday work out for the best. Hope that no matter how dark things get, that there will be light again.

I’m thankful that I took the time to do this. I’m thankful that even though everything in my life has gone pretty much the opposite of what I’ve wanted, that everything dear to me seems to be slipping through my fingers, that even though I don’t have a job, money, a partner, security or comfort, that I’m still able to look at life and see the positive, even if it does take some work most days. Maybe that’s what this is all about. Maybe only after I have everything taken away from me, can I truly appreciate what comes next. After everything is gone, even the smallest things are miraculous and full of blessings, and imagine what that does for the big things.

I’m thankful that I have friends to talk to, even if it’s all in the virtual world as it were. I don’t think I could have gotten here alone. I love you all.

There, that wasn’t so hard. Have a happy Thanksgiving.