Ok, I’ll agree that love itself is very important to a relationship.  But being afraid to be apart?  That’s not healthy.  Wanting to be close is fine, but being afraid to be apart is not.  It’s more than possible to be and STAY in love with somebody even over a distance or time.  And I am absolutely livid about this sentiment towards BEING IN LOVE being something that will always fade over time.  There are many couples out there, who even 50 years later, are still looking at each other with such a fire and passion as to make one want to look away out of respect.  The statement that it DOESN’T exist says to somebody, “I can’t possibly be expected to be passionate and in love with you for the long haul.  You’re not THAT great.  But look, I can pretend to be, and that’s just as good!”

What the fuck is that?  This sentiment seems to be used by people who DON’T have that passion for somebody, but are too scared to acknowledge what that really means about their relationship.  Yes, RELATIONSHIPS take work.  The only time being IN LOVE takes work, is when that passion isn’t there.  Without passion, what do you have left besides a comfort-zone and a co-dependent attachment?  If you really believe that, what does that say about the person you are in a relationship with?  If you aren’t that passionate about someone, why even bother?  And how dare you say that to someone you love.  Look what you’re telling them.  ”You aren’t something I can stay passionate about.”  You’re effectively tearing that person down, and that is NOT an act of love.

What does that do to their sense of self worth?  What does it to do yours when directed at you?

What is it besides your own projected fear that you’re not good enough to ever find it for yourself, or that you don’t even possibly deserve it.

I think it’s a sentiment that’s thrown around by people who have never found somebody they ARE that passionate about, and are scared they never will.  And that’s just sad.

What you’re left with, without that flame, without that passion, is nothing more than an unhealthy attachment.  There may still be love there.  There probably will be.  The human capacity for love can extend to ALL people.  This is the danger of attachment.  Love and attachment to a person are a recipe for misery.  But what then, is being IN-LOVE, if not another form of attachment?  I hold that there are healthy, and unhealthy forms of attachment.  Being attached to something that fills your being, fans the flames, stirs your passion, makes you smile, puts a spring in your step, what have you … these are positive frames of mind, a state of being present, of being nurturing to ourselves, and we should all strive to seek out and grab on to those things in our life that reflect that.  To hold on to the positive.  This is more about affirmation, than attachment.  Being attached to something because of fear, afraid to let go, because you don’t know what you would do otherwise…. this is unhealthy.  It’s fear, pure and simple.  And it’s an attachment that the sentiment above propagates.

It’s a sentiment that is used to prolong attachments to our fears.   When somebody tells us, “You’re not that good, maybe this is the best you can expect” … well, words do have power, especially if we’re already struggling with out sense of self-worth.  It’s a dangerous sentiment, because it is FAR more common to find people who our passion fades for, it’s far more common that we have a low sense of self-esteem to begin with, than it is to believe in ourselves or to find those rare ones who our passion grows for.  Who everytime we’re together we see and feel that bond and stand in amazement, unable to control the flow of positive emotions that demand we continue to grow that.  We should want to draw closer out of a sense of passion and celebration, not out of a fear of losing.  It’s dangerous, because it gives us an excuse to stay chained to fear and low sense of self-worth.

For me, I’ll hold out for, “I DO feel that passion for you, it grows every day, and we magnify that in each other.”

For me, that’s the kind of relationship that’s going to be worth having.  Mutually shared passion, that feeds and grows and magnifies each other.  I’ve tried the other kind.  It doesn’t keep me happy for long.  If I’m not somebody my mate can remain passionate about, then what does that say about how they view me?  And what does that do my own self-esteem?

If I should always believe in myself, if I should love myself, how can I settle for anything less than somebody who believes and loves me that deeply as well?

And if I found that with somebody, how can the sentiment of fear and attachment masquerading as “good enough” ever really be good enough?

That’s the way I see it anyways.  I like my way better.  It speaks more true to my heart.  Settle for nothing but the best.  I could be happy for a while without that, but it really wouldn’t be living to my full potential.

In other news, I took the kids to a play date at my friend’s house yesterday.  Her daughter and the kids played for several hours, and they all had a really good time.  I got to catch up with her, and just hang out and talk, and so I had a good time as well.  It’s nice to have some actual interaction with another adult from time to time.  I love my kids to pieces, but they only manage to fill part of what I need out of life.  Simple conversation with another adult is something they can’t pull off (yet).

Tonight we’re going to have dinner at my parents’ house.  They know how badly I’m hurting in the wallet right now, so my mom offered to pick us all up after she gets out of work, and help our diminished grocery bill by providing dinner tonight.  So that’ll be nice.  I do confess that I’m often kind of bored at their house, as there’s little for me to do over there, but on the other hand, it’s good to get out of THIS house every once in a while.  Something I’ve been doing a lot more lately.

Saturday at noon I’m going to my friend Tim’s house, and we’re going to do yoga.  That should be fun!

Still, with the recent rise in hanging out and spending time with others, ultimately the responsibility for getting out of the house and living my life beyond these walls lies with me, whether there is somebody to do that with or not.  This is why I have been spending so much more time going for walks in the woods.  I don’t NEED somebody else to be able to live my life.  I’m fully capable of doing it on my own.  Yes, it’s more fun to share that with friends, family, a lover, what have you.  But at the end of the day, the responsibility to do so ALWAYS lies with me.  It’s my responsibility to make those wonderful things in my life happen, and they WON’T if I’m too afraid to grab onto them.  It’s my responsibility to get out and take care of myself, to live my life.  It’s my responsibility to make friends to share it with.  It’s my responsibility to take the initiative to call them up.  I’ve always been one who will wait for others to ask me.  I’m learning to have the balls to take that responsibility on myself more.  It’s a two way street, and after neglecting my part in friendships for so long, it’s up to ME to bridge those gaps, and make those calls.  That’s the part of relationships that takes work.

So that’s how things are looking right now.  Over the past two years, now, or in the future, I haven’t been, and won’t accept anything but the REAL DEAL as far as love and in-love goes, I’m not going to be drawn into anything because somebody else doesn’t know what the real thing actually feels like.  I’m not going to stay somewhere because I’m afraid to jump.  I’m not going to accept that nobody could possibly breathe passion with me even after we’re familiar with each other.  I deserve better than that.  And if I’m in a relationship, the person I’m with deserves that as well.  I mean, that was the whole POINT of getting this divorce in the first place.  Jamie and I both deserved better.  If you don’t have that passion for someone, then you really aren’t going to be able to just “fake it ’til you make it.”  We all deserve the real deal.  Every single one of us.  And most of all I deserve to believe in myself enough to accept nothing less than that.  That held true when I left Jamie, and it holds just as true today.

It’s a sunny day here, and warming up.  The windows are open, to grace the neighborhood with the sounds of my children playing (read: waging war against each other).  Luckily, the sounds of jackhammers tearing up the pavement to get to the main sewer line 20 yards down the street is helping to muffle this.  LOL, another day in paradise, right?  I don’t care, the sunshine and breeze feel too good to pass up.

Sitting here in contemplation this morning.  Wondering why everything I do seems to backfire on me.  I try to be silent, and I end up in situations requiring conversation.  I remove this person from Facebook to not see their status updates in the hopes this will make things easier to deal with, and yet can’t get away from seeing their comments everywhere I turn.  I try to push this all to the back burner and Sesame Street goes and has Jason Mraz playing the same song that’s been stuck in my head for the past couple days, bringing it all out again.   SESAME STREET of all places.  Come on!

Ok, so maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.  Maybe I can’t get away from this.  Maybe I shouldn’t be trying to.  Maybe what I need to work on is my own strength, and stop relying on the situations to make it easier for me.  Maybe it’s supposed to be hard.  >.>  That’s what she said (sorry, this amuses me to no end, I swear I’m five).

*sighs and sips his coffee*

So yes.  I’m doing my damndest to be good, and sometimes I surprise myself, and at other times I fail miserably.  I’m still struggling, but that’s ok.  I guess I’m supposed to.  I’m learning to be strong.  That which doesn’t kill us, etc, etc.

In the meantime, I have stacks of dishes to do, and a house that needs cleaning.  Spring is right around the corner, and with it comes that undeniable urge for spring cleaning.  I’m not one who normally enjoys or wants to clean.  However, there is something about this time of year that really brings it out in me.  Throw in being without water for two weeks, and not being ABLE to clean, and it’s gotten to the point in here where I HAVE to.  Not because I have no choice, but because it is bothering me that badly in here.  It’s disgusting.  I made it through the silverware last night.  Today, the pots, pans, plates and glasses.  The laundry.  The bathroom.

I really, really want some things around here to better organize with.  Some shelves, cupboards, dressers, bins, something.  I have too much stuff that has nowhere to go.  I’ve gotten rid of a lot of it, but … I just can’t stand the clutter.  I don’t mind having things out, but I’d like it if things had a place to be in when they’re not in use.  I sense a rummage sale in the near future.  And perhaps, hitting a rummage sale or four myself.

Apart from not liking the clutter and mess, there’s another reason to clean.  I want to have people into my house, and it just ain’t going to happen with it looking like this.  I’ve scheduled a play date for the kids on Wednesday with an old friend of mine’s daughter.  She’s about a year older than Erin, and a year and a half younger than Milo.  Milo and her seemed to hit it off well sledding a few weeks back, so it’ll be nice for the kids to have somebody to play with.  And, to be frankly honest, nice to have another adult around I can talk to face to face.  It’s nice to have people who are mutually JUST friends that one can interact with.  Friends are important.  Blogland and Facebook provide me with stimulating conversation, but it’s really nice to hear a friendly voice once in a while too.

Tonight is the new moon.  As a follower of Herne/Cernunnos, this is a good thing.  This is his time.  I’m thinking a night walk to the woods tonight to honor this.  To honor Him.  I would take any deer seen during this time as a blessing.

This is my Monday thus far.  So for now, I bid you all a fond adieu, offer my warmest hugs, and head off to the kitchen, to battle the demons of disorganization and dishes.

OMG!  An award!  *tears up*  There’s so many people I want to thank…. The gods, of course, the academy….   *gigglesnort*

Seriously though, I’m really touched that anybody appreciates my writing, and lately I’ve been surrounded by people with nothing but nice things to say.  Thank you so much Rue!

Of course this award comes with obligations, and while I’m not usually a fan of “chain-awards”, I’m going to follow along this time, because there are definitely others I would love to nominate or at least acknowledge as well.  Please don’t feel obligated to follow the rules if you don’t want to!

The rules are:
1) Link back to the blog/blogger who nominated you.
2) Paste the picture of the award in your award post
3) Nominate bloggers you think deliver great comments to your blog
4) E-mail/post/tweet or do whatever you need to do to inform these bloggers they have been nominated for an award.

I’m going to skip number 4, because.. if I’m nominating people who comment on my blog, I assume they’re going to figure it out, lol!  If I list you below, feel free to accept that as a nomination.  =)

First off, Lyon, Erin, Jupiter and Bella.  You fine ladies have been with me from the beginning, and were leaving comments long before anybody else was reading.  There were so many times where I wanted to just stop writing, figuring I was just talking to myself, and you were there with words of encouragement and support.  Without your comments and recognition, I never would have come this far.  It meant more to me far more than I could ever hope to express.  I really can’t express my thanks enough.

More recently, as I’ve started to accumulate followers, Mary, Mother Moon, and Faerwillow are always here with comments that help affirm my own beliefs, beautiful words of compassion, solidarity and wisdom.  You ladies are amazing, and your words help me oh so much.

Of course, Rue, my sister from another mister, I’ve saved you for last.  You as well are more eloquent and wise than you give yourself credit for.  I always look forward to reading what you have to write.  You make me laugh, smile, and think.  Thank you so much!

Of course, I appreciate every single person who comments.  I don’t want to leave anybody out.  Every comment I get reminds me why I write, and I’m so glad that my paltry prose can touch so many people beyond my wildest expectations.  Thank you everybody, I do this as much to read your reactions as to vent my own thoughts.  I adore you all!

And with the positive out of the way, it’s time also to balance this and explore some of this negative I’m feeling.

Last night, I was overcome with one of those crazy, DOOM feelings.  I’m sure some of you more empathic or psychic types know what I’m talking about.  Have you ever been hit with a CERTAINTY that something, somewhere, was horribly, terribly wrong, only to find out later that there’s been an accident, death, major illness, something?  After a while we learn to listen to these, and tend to FREAK OUT when they hit.  Well, last night one hit for me, and I panicked.  I started calling people I know and who are close to me to make sure everybody was ok.

One friend I called, as she is one of those people who’ve been hit with winter storm after storm.  I knew she was going to be busy yesterday, however as the time got on way past when I would have expected to see her, and word still ceased to come, and with that impending doom feeling, I was worried perhaps she had been in an accident.  It would explain the depth of that feeling I was having.  She ended up being fine, she had had company over and the visit was running much later than normal.  Fine, no big deal, was just glad she was ok.

What has me perturbed, is that she was unable to treat me normally while her company was present, at the risk of angering him.  He doesn’t like me.  I guess I can’t blame him.  And despite that holding back of treating me how she normally would were I to call, apparently my phone call triggered some sort of argument, enough for her to later accuse me of ruining her evening.

Wait, what?  (Warning: Strong language ahead, because I’m mad)

I totally fail to see how me calling a friend, genuinely concerned for her well being, is to blame for her “ruined” evening.  My phone call may have been a trigger, but it’s not my fault that somebody didn’t have the self control to handle the situation like a fucking adult.  If anybody is at fault, shouldn’t it be the person who’s overreaction to my telephone call caused her the distress?  I’m sorry, but you’re not adult enough to accept that she can be friends with whoever the hell she wants?  To the point that she can’t even be herself to me when he’s around?  And what does that say about me?  I can’t be her friend if he’s around?  I can’t call her, she can’t treat me like she normally would, because HE might get mad, but I’M expected to be an adult about it?  I accept he’s a part of her life, her friend, even though I have my own reasons to dislike him as well, I don’t stand in the way of that. Her reaction when I called was to get pissed at me, thinking that I’m calling to “check up on her”.  Well yeah, I was checking to make sure she was ok, I had no reason to expect her other male friend was still there.  And even if he IS there, I’m not allowed to call because he might get mad and ruin her evening?

I’m sorry, but I don’t think her problem is with ME.  And I have to admit that I’m still carrying some hurt and resentment that I took the blame on that one for calling. Even if she did later apologize. It’s less the reaction, and more the double standard.

I’m not trying to villify anybody.  I’m not trying to cause arguments.  But damnit, I am sitting here wondering if I’m that far off base here.  If you’re my friend at all, you should be able to be my friend no matter who is around, no matter what THEY feel for me, or how hard THEIR reaction to that is going to be.  It’s not MY fault THEY can’t grow the fuck up and let you be friends with whoever you want to be without being threatened by that, whether they have reason to be or no.  If they can’t handle that, I’M not the bad friend.  I’m NOT the only one who has to accept things.  I have to accept him being her friend just as much, and I’m expected to be an adult about it.  I’m expected to stay civil and understanding. For the most part I keep my mouth shut, or try to. I’m not completely without fault.  But I have to walk around on eggshells lest he get hurt or upset, while at the same time I have to be understanding anytime he’s around? What the hell is that? The double standard and blame shifting are getting old.  I realize this is just MY side of the story, but CHRIST.

I have a different friend, and her husband doesn’t like me.  When I was married, my ex-wife didn’t like her.  This caused us to lose contact with each other, and I always resented my ex for that.  Well, her and I recently reconnected.  When I asked her if that was going to cause problems, she said, “It might, it might not, but you’re my friend, it doesn’t really matter what he thinks.”  Well, apparently it did cause problems, but they sure as hell didn’t get blamed on me.

Ok…. *pants*  I’ve got it out.  I’m sorry to air my dirty laundry in public, and I’m not looking to name names.  I’m not going to do that.  But.  What I’m wondering is… what the hell?  I’m tired of being the bad guy because of how others react.

Going to go wander off now and cool back down.  I feel better having got that off my chest.  And yes, I’ll move on from this, it’s not the end of the world.

Also… I still haven’t figured out where that DOOM feeling was coming from.  Praying you all are well and healthy this morning.

I am grateful for my children, who, even though they are a pain in my ass, and often cause me to feel like the world’s worst parent, still love me despite all my shortcomings. They count on me, they depend on me, they need me, and I am grateful for their unwavering trust and love.

I am grateful for my family. Even though they set my teeth on edge, and as the years go on, I find I have less and less in common with them, they’re my family. They’ve been there for me no matter what. Even when I’ve gone against everything they think I should do, have made mistakes, have lashed out at them, they’ve always been on my side. They haven’t always agreed, but they have accepted that I’m able to make my own choices, and stood by me when I made them. The more I look out at others, the more I realize how rare that really is. So I’m thankful for that.

I’m grateful for Lyon, even though we’re not at a place right now where I can have the parts of her that really make me the happiest. I’m still thankful that she is in my life, as a friend, as a confidant. I’m thankful for her in so many ways. I’m thankful she showed me what love really is, and I’m thankful we got to experience that, even if the time was far too short. I’m thankful for the love I still feel for her, and the love she still feels for me, even if we can’t embrace it now, even if we can’t ever again, I’m blessed to have seen what it was. There’s not enough time in the universe to fully experience that, so I should consider myself lucky to have experienced it for any time at all. Even if I can’t have it right now, my life is more full and meaningful for having got to at all.

I’m thankful for hope. Without it, I’d have given up and stopped living long before now. Hope that things will get better. That every cloud has a silver lining. That at the end of the rainbow is a pot of gold, and that along the paths through life things will someday work out for the best. Hope that no matter how dark things get, that there will be light again.

I’m thankful that I took the time to do this. I’m thankful that even though everything in my life has gone pretty much the opposite of what I’ve wanted, that everything dear to me seems to be slipping through my fingers, that even though I don’t have a job, money, a partner, security or comfort, that I’m still able to look at life and see the positive, even if it does take some work most days. Maybe that’s what this is all about. Maybe only after I have everything taken away from me, can I truly appreciate what comes next. After everything is gone, even the smallest things are miraculous and full of blessings, and imagine what that does for the big things.

I’m thankful that I have friends to talk to, even if it’s all in the virtual world as it were. I don’t think I could have gotten here alone. I love you all.

There, that wasn’t so hard. Have a happy Thanksgiving.