Sometimes I feel like, just because I’ve found so much acceptance, that others feel like maybe I don’t get this way still, like maybe I’m just some cold, heartless automaton. Well… I’m not. I still feel the pain. There are days that are still hard. Sometimes that sadness creeps up and sinks it’s fangs into my heart, and I’m left with little choice but to grieve. To feel the sadness again, to relive it all one more time. It’s probably not the last time either. But life moves on, and so… I do my best to move with it.

So yes. It still hurts. But that’s ok. It’s supposed to. I loved her for several years of my life, and I still love her in my own way. It’s another nail in the coffin of us. Another milestone on the road leading away from our marriage, another signpost that reads: “FAIL”. It’s an uncomfortable reminder of what we used to have, and a reminder of why it couldn’t work. It’s a reminder that I do still love her, even if I fell out of love with her long ago, and that’s hard. No it doesn’t mean I wish we were back together, but it IS a headfuck. Today it’s exceptionally hard, because I’m still grasping for the future I saw when I walked away, and I feel further away from it than ever. It doesn’t change why I left, but it sure leaves me wanting someone to hold on to, to hold me back, to love me, to tell me everything is going to be ok. I need some smiles back in my life, some focus on the positive. Today is not one of those days that I’m going to get that. Maybe not even tomorrow. Maybe not in this lifetime. I really don’t know. All I know today, is that I’m in pain, and I’m all alone.

They came by, the parked their vehicle, and I realized they had gone to the back. I had brought the rest of the stuff she still had stored here down to the front. So I went out on to the front porch, and peered around the side of the house to let them know. They were pressed so close together, looking so warm and in love. It shouldn’t, but it hurts. I’m so happy they get to move on and live a new life. I am. They’re very lucky. I know it’s still hard for her sometimes, we do talk, and it comes out from time to time. But they’re getting to move on, to grab onto the future, to start something new, with each other. I’m not jealous of their love, I’m jealous that they’re doing what I wish I was.

The house does however, feel better now. A few more ghosts have been exorcised, and I have more closet space now. Gotta look at the positive right? She’s better off now too, she’s got a bit more financial help, and I don’t feel so responsible for her financial wellbeing. She’s getting her shot to find happiness with someone, and that’s one of the things I really wanted for her … to find someone that could make her happy, that excited her own spark and fire, that deep undying one that I never could. The one that you can’t help but feel everytime, that shines out without effort just by being close. I’m glad she’s found it. I’m still hurting, I’m still sad, but…. at the same time…. it’s time to look to the future, and it’s one I hoped she’d find, and… good. It’s the future she always wanted, and she’s found someone who can bring that to her. This is where I’m glad to be man enough to stand aside and quiet myself, and not impede that. This is where I’m glad that I did what I did, even if it does hurt. This is where I’m glad, that I’m free to find my own future now as well. The fear don’t stop that, the pain doesn’t stop that, the sadness doesn’t stop that … though it does fuck with me. This is where I breathe…. relax, and let go.

There will always be time to acknowledge the pain and the sadness, to take the time to listen to my grief, and there will always be time to embrace the positive and happy in my life as well. If I ever get to where I want to be, that’s something I’m sure my mate will understand. That even though I’m devoted to her, that there is still pain and grief and sadness left in this. Most days are good, some days are bad. Less and less bad the more water under the bridge, but still there and surprising sometimes in their intensity. But it’s those days where there’s so much love and affection and happiness with who I’ve found, my flame, that make it all worthwhile. I still got a lot of work to do on me. And that’s ok. I still have a lot of pain left to feel. And that’s ok. And there’s a whole lot of life left to live and sink my teeth into, a whole lot of joy left to be found. And that’s ok. The sadness helps me realize how happy the happy times are, and the happiness helpes me realize the depths of my sadness. It all just IS. This is my life. Unemployed, single, penniless, with more responsibility than I can handle and maintain my sanity, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. This is ME. And I love being me.

We were both pretty scared and excited to meet finally, I remember that. What if she didn’t like me? What if how I looked in person wasn’t what she expected from my pictures? What if we didn’t click? What if, what if, what if. I don’t remember ever being so scared and conflicted while being so incredibly excited and happy at the same time. I had a hotel reserved to stay at, and we planned that we would meet in a local park. I then made the nearly 6 hour drive down at 2 in the morning, to make the 8am meeting time. I remember calling her as I pulled into Richmond to let her know I was there. The sun was rising so beautifully behind me, cresting as I made the drive to the park. I remember telling her I was “coming with the dawn”. I pulled into the park at 8am sharp (not bad planning on my part), and waited for her. And waited… I remember sitting there by the pond, watching the incoming road, my heart in my chest everytime a car drove down it. And waited. Shit! Maybe she’s standing me up, maybe she doesn’t want to meet me, now that it’s real. What will she think? Is my hair ok? How does my breath smell? Do I got time for another cigarette, and why am I shaking so hard? LOL… I was a nervous wreck, but beneath it all, I was bouncing up and down, all smiles and happiness, that here, finally, I was going to meet the woman I had fallen so madly, deeply, truly in love with.

I think I waited either 10 minutes, but it felt somewhere closer to 10 years, my heart in my throat and bursting with excitement. Finally, finally I saw her pulling up. I remember sitting stock still where I was for a minute or so, while she pulled in, letting her park, get out of the car. Almost too scared to move, to stand up and make that walk. To face the reality and see what it was all about. This was IT. Deep breath, stand up, walk up the hill, and around the pavillion. There she was, walking towards me. Real. We drew closer and anything I had thought to say, any sort of greeting, went right out the window. That beautiful face, those amazing green eyes. The way she was looking at me and melting. And I was melting right back. I opened my mouth and let my heart speak… “Oh my God, you’re gorgeous….” The moment was the purest, most amazing magic. Fuck sparks. Fuck fireworks. This was a conflageration, a forest fire, my entire heart caught fire and I saw the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with beyond a shadow of a doubt for the first time ever.

That day, and the next, was pure magic. I can’t remember prior ever feeling so happy, so alive, as I did when I was with her. She was even better in person, better than I had ever hoped for. I don’t think it took us more than 2 hours before I couldn’t contain myself anymore and kissed her. I couldn’t help it. There was no way to stop myself. I was far too in love, far to mesmerized and enchanted, for me to do anything else. Queue the fireworks and fire, the thrill, the tinglies. So much love in such a little (albeit long) kiss. I fell a little more in love. I didn’t know that was even possible, surely I had already been at my limit? How was it possible to love someone this much? That day was very affectionate. Very much in love, and very much a struggle, because we had resolved to keep things kosher, the situation being what it was. It was definitely a struggle. But we made it through… though our wings were probably a bit more tarnished afterwards. The draw was just… undeniable. And saying goodbye and going home after that was more than I could bear. I had found I couldn’t ever get close enough to her, and now I had to put all that cruel, cold distance between us again. But I did it anyways, with my heart and my eyes to the future, filled with hope.

When she moved up in December, we began spending time together, as much as possible, even though she was an hour and some change away. And you know, through that time, and I still don’t know how, we fell more and more in love, deeper and deeper. Everytime, “Surely, it can’t get stronger than this?” Everytime, yes, it can. Most couple start out happy, then plateau, then die. I would think to this day, if asked openly and honestly enough we could say it’s still building, still growing.

I remember it all, cherish every single second we spent together. When we’re together, we both come alive, we bring out the best in one another. And the love just magnifies everytime. Affection is as natural as breathing, even after this time. When we are face to face, there is all the things we fell in love about each other, and there in spades. When I’m with her, I feel home. I feel loved and cherished and worshipped. And I feel it right back, and show it with every ounce of my being. Not because that’s what you have to do to have a healthy relationship, but because there is no other way to love her. She completes a part of me that I’ve been missing my entire life, just by who she is, and there is no effort involved. At all. I have to believe that’s the real deal. THE.

I remember cold winter mornings snuggled up in bed, pressed so close together, both of us burrowing subconsciously into the other, unable to get close enough. Hot summer nights, still snuggled up even against the heat… lol.. “Geroff me, I’m sweaty!” Waking up to coffee and breakfast, waking up with a smile as we peeked out of heavy lids at each other, just cheesing out to see she was still there, still real, and still everything I wanted. With a love that was still getting stronger and stronger, so easily. I remember her cooking turkey tacos, and insisting I stay seated on the couch, happy to do something for me, and I remember being filled with awe and appreciationg for her, this beautiful, perfect woman who loved me back as fiercely and easily as I loved her. I remember walks in the woods, sleepovers on the floor. I remember camping, and standing in a lake staring into each others eyes and waterfalls. I remember all the good times. I remember all the hard times. And through it all, no matter how great, now matter how hard… I remember the love that kept growing. Through it all I fell more and more madly in love with her every day. Surely… surely it couldn’t get any stronger than this.

One day, her landlord kicked her out of the place she was staying. We had been kicking around the idea of moving in together. But not like that. Not because there wasn’t any other option. And there were still things to finish up that weren’t getting across from up here. So she moved back down there with her parents. One of the hardest moments of my life. It was time for space, for things there to end, so that there could be … a future. Any future. A future together, living this, every single day. Even thought she was leaving… I was more in love with her than ever.

These past few months have been some of the hardest of my life. Watching her go through her divorce, wanting to draw her nearer with every breath, but forced into inaction by doing the “right” thing and giving her space. Taking the times where we’d draw closer anyways, unable to bear being apart. Always picking up right where we left off, and growing stronger and deeper every time. Always so naturally, so easily, finding a deeper and more spiritual and soulful connection every time… just by dint of who we both are. We have our share of flaws, and she hasn’t seemed to love me less for mine, nor I for hers. It’s not the most practical situation. But… there’s nowhere I’d rather be than with her. She’s still the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. More and more every day. I eventually did what I felt I had to, by stepping away from our relationship so that she could deal with things there, without the distraction of me. I don’t think it made anything easier to be honest. But even through all that, I was falling more and more in love every day. And it was tearing me apart to be so far away from that. But I did it because I felt that was the right thing to do, she needed to be free to end things before starting the new.

Here we are. It’s one year later. She’s been divorced only a week. Common sense says, stay at home. It’s too soon. She just went through this. You know how hard it is. She’s still trying to push you away, to run, she’s still raw man. She wants to focus on a life without anybody in it. But… it’s one year later. I love her more now than I did when we first met, then I did a half a year ago, than I did even yesterday. More and more every day, I love this woman more. If ever there was such a thing as a soulmate, a twin flame, a perfect mate, somebody I was made for, who was also made for me… she is it. When we are together it’s too strong to ignore. It’s one year later, and I love her more deeply than I ever thought was possible. It can’t get any stronger right? *laughs* I can’t draw near enough to her, but I will always strive to regardless. It’s one year later, and common sense and her say, “Let her have her space…” and yet… my feelings for her are too strong. For the first time, staying put and doing the “right” thing don’t feel like the right thing. For the first time, staying here and just having faith that everything will turn out for a happy future together sounds like the WRONG thing. I love her with all my heart, my mind, my body, my soul. I love her as effortlessly as the breeze. I’ve lost my job, I’ve lost my ability to support myself and my kids. She has loved me throughout it. What does that stuff have to do where the heart is concerned? Would anybody out there break up with the love of their life if the mundane world wasn’t cooperating? It’s one year later, and… for several reasons I’m being drawn there. For a loss we shared not long ago. For the love we share. For her to have a loving person around that can be supportive about the path she chose to take. To look in her eyes again. To see if the love she had for me is still there. To remind her how real this is. To just be able to hold her in my arms and tell her everything will be ok. We all need some human contact. And… mysel included. It’s a year later, and I feel like… I can’t just sit here and wait to come down, or it will never happen. I came down a year ago and started living life again. It’s a year later, and it’s time to start living life again. To embrace the reality of these feelings, and … admit how much a part of me they are. I can’t feel this for her, and NOT come down. She’s my mate, in the truest, deepest sense of the word. I know where my place is, and it’s by her side. Common sense says wait, but life… love… my inner self… and the pull I feel on me from her even now (intentional or not)… to be true to all of that, I have to go.

It’s one year later. And I come with the dawn. Without shame, though I know it makes things more difficult. I’m sorry for that, but not sorry I come. I’m living again. No more limbo, no more excuses to hold back. No excuses ever. Once you find a good excuse, you let in all the bad excuses too. I’m tired of being afraid of life, of living in fear, hiding behind excuses. I have to come, because it is that strong, it is that deep, and there is nowhere else I CAN be, than by her side. Gods forgive me, I know I’m not making the smartest choice, but… I’m making the right choice. Just like last time, I’m scared, terrified and I don’t know what to expect, but.. excited as well. For the same reasons. I know she’s in a pretty rough space right now, and I know that she has to deal with that. I accept that. But this love is real too, and cries out to be acknowledged and embraced. Nobody else can ever compare to this love, and my heart belongs to her, and her alone. I have eyes for no other. I love her enough to follow the trueness of what I feel for her, even if it jeopardizes having a future together. I have to be true to how I feel, and there is nowhere else I can be right now than by her side, even if for a day. Even if all I can do is offer comfort in her grief. Even if the love is gone for her, than as a friend. There is nowhere else I can be than there, and still be me. I love her with all of my heart, and there is no place I’d rather be than by her side.