Hypocrisy and Healing
Tue ,29/12/2009One of my greatest pet peeves in life is hypocrisy, the act of persistently pretending to hold beliefs, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities, or standards that one does not actually hold or follow act upon. When faced with it, I rant, I rave, and I tend to get carried away by my frustration. At the same time however, I believe in the power of positive thought. That by maintaining a positive frame of mind, one can affect a positive change in their lives, thoughts, and actions. By believing this, but getting irritated when I spot that perceived hypocrisy in others, am I not somewhat a hypocrite myself? I know I hate admitting my own shortcomings, but… that’s what I’m doing here.
When confronted by someone who is going through a difficult trial or tribulation, I often feel compelled to give advice, which is part of my caring nature. I hate seeing others in pain, and if I believe I have it in my power to help ease that pain and suffering, then I tend to go to it with a will. One of my favorite pieces of advice in situations like these, is to encourage the sufferer to look on the bright side of things. To look for the positive in the situation, and to embrace that, even if they negative is at the forefront, and even if the positive is hard to see. I sincerely believe in this idea, and yet… I’m also in a place now where I’m finding my own advice hard to swallow. I’ve become something of a hypocrite.
If this wasn’t bad enough, if the person takes my advice to heart, and follows through on it, I am then quick to turn around and lash out, telling them I wish they actually believed the facade they are putting up. At the time when they start to follow this excellent advice, I turn around and hit them between the eyes with the incongruity between the positive spin and the negative reality. I destroy the very ideal I hoped they would create. Hypocrisy times a thousand.
I’ve spent all day thinking about this, after sneaking a peek into a small tarot reading for myself. The cards urged me to seek out forgiveness today, and this is what’s popped into my head as something that I’ve done, and how it’s wronged some people in my life very close to me. I’m aghast and ashamed with myself. To heal, one HAS to be able to look at the positive, no matter how hard it is to see. Negativity breeds negativity, and conversely, positivity breeds positivity. One can not find the positive in life while focusing on the negative. The positive could be staring them in the face, and they would completely miss it. I’m at that point myself. While the universe continues to rain shit down on me, I’ve succumbed to some very negative ways of looking at the world, and yet I’m continually surprised by how much more negative things seem to be getting. I WANT the positive, but I’ve nearly given up in believing it can exist anymore. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy of epic and earth shaking proportions, and it’s destroying me, as surely as I can see it destroying others.
In effect, to embrace the positive, when surrounded by the negative, one has to embrace a specific form of hypocrisy. To dig through the manure to find the gold. To put aside all the negative evidence, and open themselves up to the idea that the positive is indeed attainable, and actually WORK at realizing it. And this does take work, my friends. It’s no mean feat to set aside the hurt, pain, heartache, discomfort, self-loathing… to set aside the facts to the contrary that are screaming, “HEY! You are FUCKED my friend! Give up!” Take it from me, I am living this reality right now.
I am 3 or 4 months behind on my mortgage. I have credit card debt left over from the divorce up to my eyeballs. I am behind on my utilities, water, internet and phone bills. I don’t even have auto insurance right now. I don’t have a job right now, and am drawing unemployment. Unemployment, after child support and taxes, has barely left me with enough to buy groceries and gasoline, let alone pay my bills. I am struggling with the realization that the love of my life no longer wants to be with me. I am struggling with my children not wanting to be here the few days a week I have them. I’m terrified about my health, which seems to be degrading. I’m so scared and alone and adrift, that I have literally become paralyzed. I am doing nothing to save myself, I have been succumbing to the negative as a fact of life. Yet, still I preach on about the power of positivity, though I’ve done little to follow through on my own advice. While it’s true, that to a certain extent I’m at the mercy of potential employers, my creditors, and how the people in my life that I love and want to draw closer to me feel, there is also a very real part that I have control over, and I’ve simply refused to take that control. Fear of failure and rejection is ever a huge thing for me, and I’m living it.
I need to heal. I need to be able to not only bring my life back under control, but … at the same time, how can I expect to do that when I am unwilling or unable to bring my outlook back under control? I feel more like a hypocrite for trying to find anything positive in my life. It’s so hard to see. It seems like every hope and dream, every thing I’ve worked to make a reality, crumbles under my fingers. I feel less like an architect of my destiny, and more like a wrecking ball, demolishing all I touch. The sad thing is, I’m right as long as I continue to view myself and my life in this manner. The real change won’t come, until I am willing and able to look at myself and my life as the blessed person/thing that I/it truly am/is (hehe). How do I believe it, when I can’t see it?
So I guess…. sometimes, hypocrisy is a good thing. It allows us to put aside the negativity, the bullshit, the drama, the facts to the contrary, and exercise our minds and our outlooks, to build up the tools needed to create a more positive reality for ourselves. To become prophets of, not our failures and fears, but of our potential and blessings. To shape a pathway to allow the good in life to return, and to forge a better tomorrow, whatever our situation.
I’m working on it, and I’ve taken the first steps, which has led me to doing something about my situation. I have a meeting with a credit counsellor tomorrow morning, to discuss my options for getting out of debt. Such a simple thing, so obvious, and yet, something I was unable to do while I was telling myself there was nothing I could do. I did it. It was surprisingly easy once I allowed myself to see the possibility. And you know, I’m less of a hypocrite now, for accepting a positive I couldn’t see and could barely believe in, then I was when I was so sure I would be screwed no matter what I did. Yes, there’s still a lot of this situation out of my control, but I’m more ready to face it with a positive heart. Or at least, to try for now. Healing is never easy, and it takes practice, and I still have my moments (read: weeks) where I struggle to grasp anything positive at all. But I’m willing to make that effort, for myself, for others.
Part of my healing here, is acknowleding how out of whack I’ve gotten, and how I’ve wronged others with my words and actions as described above. This week, seeking forgiveness is one of my goals. If I’ve wronged you in this manner (and yes, you know who you are), then I want to take the time now to truly and sincerely apologize. I know I can’t undo the damage that has been done, but I’m asking for forgiveness anyways. I’m also working on trying to forgive myself.
I’m not a perfect person, but I’m trying to get better. I … I believe I can. *small, brave smile* I’m telling myself I can. In the end, the two are related, and interlinked, and both will surely lead me to the reality of that conviction. This is my thought, my belief, my most fervent prayer, my magic intention, and the prophecy I hope to fulfill for myself.
So mote it be.