old man sutton

The adventures through life and spirit of a single father, lover and man.

This has not been an easy week for me, as most weeks where I have to deal with certain situations rarely, if ever, are. This week has been filled with a veritable plethora of difficult situations. This time however, I’ve been managing to make a lot of positive headway on how I handle myself in these situations, and I think it would be fair to say, I’m seeing a lot of positive results because of this. As somebody recently said, when I wear confidence and tilt my chin and move forward, it looks real good on me. I couldn’t agree more. It FEELS real good on me.

Last night, I received two books in the mail. One, is a book I’ve been DYING to read for quite some time: “Celtic Tree Mysteries: Secrets of the Ogham” by Steve Blamires. The other was a gift from a friend of mine, and is the next book in a series I’m reading. The book is “The Singing Sword” by Jack Whyte. I’m really excited to have new books to read! I’m a voracious reader, and though I love all the books in my library, it wears a bit after the second or third thousandth time through them all.

In my last post, “The Numinous and Worship“, I mentioned a passage from the book “Contact”, by Carl Sagan, that dealt with the main character falling in love. I’d like to share that, directly below.

“Their conversations were a joy, with ideas flying back and forth like shuttlecocks. Sometimes they responded to each other’s uncompleted thoughts with almost perfect foreknowledge. He was a considerate and inventive lover. And anyways, she liked his pheromones.

She was comfortable describing to him her reveries, snatches of memories, childhood embarrassments. And he was not merely interested, but fascinated. He would question her for hours about her childhood. His questions were always direct, sometimes probing, but without exception gentle. She began to understand why lovers talk baby talk to one another. Ther was no other socially acceptable circumstance in which the children inside her were permitted to come out. If the one-year-old, the five-year-old, the twelve-year-old, and the twenty-year-old all find compatible personalities in the beloved, there is a real chance to keep all of these sub-personas happy. Love ends their long loneliness. Perhaps the depth of love can be calibrated by the number of different selves that are actively involved in a given relationship. With her previous partners, it seemed, at most one of these selves was able to find a compatible opposite number; the other persona were grumpy hangers-on.”

As I had mentioned earlier, this had struck a chord for me, having found that within these past couple years ith someone, after a lifetime of searching, and eventually giving up. Man, but the Gods can be cruel when they finally give us what we most desire. Along with the joy of the finding, came a terrible fear and despair of ever being able to grab onto that, and guilt for having to extricate myself from the committed relationship I was already in to realize it fully. I guarantee you, I spent quite a long time hoping to find it with the woman I was already with, out of the love I still shared with her, and the love she still felt for me.

Why do we fight so hard, to force ourselves to go against what is obvious? What was awakened in me, was awakened by this new person, but I hoped maybe it could be transferred to my now ex-wife. She would tell me how much she was in love ith me, would tell me how much she ould change for me, even made certain changes. It was hard facing that, because the more she changed, the more she opened up her lines of communication, the more in her I saw the person I had initially fallen in love with, and the more compatible she became to what I was looking for out of life. Throw in the fact that she was and is the mother of my two children, and the difficulties in walking away from her were increased exponentially. How could I do this to somebody who loved and needed me that much? Did I not OWE it to her, to find the same feelings for her? And let me tell you, I came close to finding it. REAL close. Maybe we COULD “make it work”. Despite all that, I couldn’t seem to do it. Through time, I came to realize, that the feelings I felt, that I were awakened to, were not because of her, and aren’t transferable. And even though I could find almost everything else for her, I couldn’t find that one part that said, “Yes.”

Why do we fight so hard to force ourselves to fill those roles that others hope for us? We show amazing compassion for others, and yet, we show very little compassion to ourselves. For me, the reason I could not tell my ex-wife “yes”, was because she was not the person that that part of my heart was saying “yes” for.. the same one that awakened those emotions in me for in the first place. It wasn’t her face I saw in those moments with her. The Gods are cruel. But, they also are kind, because I DID feel that for someone, in all those ways, even if it didn’t lessen the hurt or acceptance I still had to find. And they were kind, because they allowed my ex-wife to see that was what was real in MY heart, that while I loved her, I couldn’t love her in that way, not after being made aware of it more fully with somebody that TRULY awakened it in me. And my ex-wife, I loved her more than ever for allowing me to have that, for loving me enough to let me find that true happiness, even if it wasn’t with her. And you know, it hasn’t been easy, because when I see her with the man she is with now, she reminds me more and more of what I hoped she and I could have. But I’ve been chasing the future that is real in my heart now, the one that speaks to all those parts of me, and dealing with the pain that comes from walking away from my past as it comes. The pain lessens with time, the healing begins, when there is acceptance of the truth. Yes I love her, yes I see so much good in her, and yes, we could probably have made a better go at things, but no…. that is not where my heart was pointing me. Only after I acknowledged that direction, and she acknowledged my direction as well, was I able to truly move on. She made it easy for me, and I’m grateful. She probably could have sat there every single day from then until now, begging me to stay, and I would have not had an easy time at all walking away. To say the least.

Compassion is a good thing, but there comes a time when one has to let others deal with the reality on their own terms, without standing in the way of that. And here, the compassionate thing is to let them figure that out for themselves, without you trying to hold their hand through it, and without sharing your fears back and forth beteen each other. Feedback loops are powerfull, patterned, and cyclical. Just as there can be a loop and regress of love beteen true lovers, there can also be loops of fear that never move anybody forward. So sometimes, compassion in a situation means having the compassion to walk away, to be quiet, and to let the other person see the truth for themselves. It can mean having the compassion to put your own hopes to the side, and acknowledging that in reality, they’re not returned. Sometimes compassion is having to do the hard things, that hurt the most now, instead of the easy things, that hurt more and more in the long run.

Deep stuff, and stuff I’ve been working on in myself. Having the compassion to let others see the truth for themselves, and having trust that the Gods will bring me beauty, whatever the outcome. It’s hard, but I’m following an ecstatic path… with the ecstasy, comes the hard work. And though it’s hard, I can honestly say that I am truly living my life now, and not waiting on the world to make things happen for me. I’m taking control of my life, and it feels amazing.

ON TO THE RANDOMNESS!

My “W” key is on the fritz, and I never really realized how often that letter is used!

I hate Wordpress’s textbox for typing posts, as it is constantly scrolling back to the top of the post, and typing in it it seems to be about one character a second hitting the screen.

I’m considering removing email notifications of new posts, as I often think it keeps people from wanting to come and comment.

I’m trying to integrate Google Friend Connect, to make it EASIER for people to come and comment.

I like comments.

I’m thinking of creating a new blog to dedicate my posts about my relationship to Herne with.

I really like watching The Office, Bones, and Heroes.

Happy Thursday all.

So, it’s officially Christmas. Yes, I was brought up celebrating Christmas, and I love it. Having a bit of a hard one this year though. It’s … lonely. The kids aren’t here. Year 2 where official “Santa” Christmas is with their mom. This year, there is no … company for the overnight, to wake up next to, greeting Christmas morning with green eyes that are more beautiful than the most resplendent tree, no matter how beautifully decorate with silver and gold. Basically, I’m feeling very sorry for myself. If I can’t vent on my blog… where can I vent? So… I’m just, venting.

There’s been some positive today, and there will be positive tomorrow. But right now, my heart is far, far too heavy, and I’m embracing the moment to feel. The most amazing thing today was driving home from my family’s (much much subdued this year) Christmas celebration, and spotting a herd of about 20 deer in a snow covered field, bathed in moonlight. Yet… for some reason, that really brought the emotions crashing down hard on me… as if Herne reached out, showed me his peace, and then at the same time, said “FEEL Damnit!” So… I’m feeling. And it hurts. I’ve been watching a “The Office” marathon, and alternating between fits of dozing and wakefulness. Now I’m awake again, and felt the need to post, to pour out, to purge. I had fragments of a poem drifting through my head as well. Which I’ll post below.

In the meantime, I DO wish you all a Merry Christmas, and I hope to not bring anybody else down, but to allow myself to acknowledge myself in all of this, and to get the yuck out, to let the yay in. So… good night my friends, and blessed be you all, and blessings unto you, and a merry merry holiday to you all, all faiths and paths, all walks of life. May you find yourselves surrounded by loved ones and family, and able to truly count your every blessing. Gods rest ye merry gentles. Good night.

Lying awake, scrunched up into a tiny ball,
huddled under a blanket of blue worn fleece,
staring at the ceiling, my favorite fairy tale
playing on the television, reminding
me of my own hopes and dreams,
no stockings hung up by the fireplace,
no tree adorned with lights and ornaments,
no presents under the tree, waiting
expectantly to be torn open,
no tiny faces in the next room
with eyes squinched tight waiting for Santa Claus,
no visions of sugar plums,
heart and hearth sit forlorn and empty,
and the fairy tale plays on from the screen,
bathing me in a bluish glow, playing
parallel to my life, tears causing
the bright colorful lights of the neighboring houses
to shimmer and dance,
my own substitute for tinsel,
the furnace blowing is a poor replacement
for the breath of a loved one in my ear,
the blanket mimics the heat of a body next to mine,
the laundry piled to the side,
a shabby excuse for a tree,
covered in stained ornaments of tomato and gravy.
Tomorrow is a new day, and eventually
the holiday will pick up speed,
and I will not be so alone,
but tonight, … tonight…
it is a Christmas, alone with my fairy tale,
and missing the most precious miracles.

It has been a pretty hectic day for me here, and I’m not going to get into all of it. Children, love, a blinding headache, heartburn, etc. Today though, is moving day. Not for me. My ex-wife is moving today, into a house with her new flame. You know, the guy that can make her happy where I couldn’t. I’m having a really hard time with this, I’m finding. Yes, even after all the water under the bridge, yes, even after all the acceptance, yes, even though I still agree that our divorcing was necessary. It’s still hard.

Sometimes I feel like, just because I’ve found so much acceptance, that others feel like maybe I don’t get this way still, like maybe I’m just some cold, heartless automaton. Well… I’m not. I still feel the pain. There are days that are still hard. Sometimes that sadness creeps up and sinks it’s fangs into my heart, and I’m left with little choice but to grieve. To feel the sadness again, to relive it all one more time. It’s probably not the last time either. But life moves on, and so… I do my best to move with it.

So yes. It still hurts. But that’s ok. It’s supposed to. I loved her for several years of my life, and I still love her in my own way. It’s another nail in the coffin of us. Another milestone on the road leading away from our marriage, another signpost that reads: “FAIL”. It’s an uncomfortable reminder of what we used to have, and a reminder of why it couldn’t work. It’s a reminder that I do still love her, even if I fell out of love with her long ago, and that’s hard. No it doesn’t mean I wish we were back together, but it IS a headfuck. Today it’s exceptionally hard, because I’m still grasping for the future I saw when I walked away, and I feel further away from it than ever. It doesn’t change why I left, but it sure leaves me wanting someone to hold on to, to hold me back, to love me, to tell me everything is going to be ok. I need some smiles back in my life, some focus on the positive. Today is not one of those days that I’m going to get that. Maybe not even tomorrow. Maybe not in this lifetime. I really don’t know. All I know today, is that I’m in pain, and I’m all alone.

They came by, the parked their vehicle, and I realized they had gone to the back. I had brought the rest of the stuff she still had stored here down to the front. So I went out on to the front porch, and peered around the side of the house to let them know. They were pressed so close together, looking so warm and in love. It shouldn’t, but it hurts. I’m so happy they get to move on and live a new life. I am. They’re very lucky. I know it’s still hard for her sometimes, we do talk, and it comes out from time to time. But they’re getting to move on, to grab onto the future, to start something new, with each other. I’m not jealous of their love, I’m jealous that they’re doing what I wish I was.

The house does however, feel better now. A few more ghosts have been exorcised, and I have more closet space now. Gotta look at the positive right? She’s better off now too, she’s got a bit more financial help, and I don’t feel so responsible for her financial wellbeing. She’s getting her shot to find happiness with someone, and that’s one of the things I really wanted for her … to find someone that could make her happy, that excited her own spark and fire, that deep undying one that I never could. The one that you can’t help but feel everytime, that shines out without effort just by being close. I’m glad she’s found it. I’m still hurting, I’m still sad, but…. at the same time…. it’s time to look to the future, and it’s one I hoped she’d find, and… good. It’s the future she always wanted, and she’s found someone who can bring that to her. This is where I’m glad to be man enough to stand aside and quiet myself, and not impede that. This is where I’m glad that I did what I did, even if it does hurt. This is where I’m glad, that I’m free to find my own future now as well. The fear don’t stop that, the pain doesn’t stop that, the sadness doesn’t stop that … though it does fuck with me. This is where I breathe…. relax, and let go.

There will always be time to acknowledge the pain and the sadness, to take the time to listen to my grief, and there will always be time to embrace the positive and happy in my life as well. If I ever get to where I want to be, that’s something I’m sure my mate will understand. That even though I’m devoted to her, that there is still pain and grief and sadness left in this. Most days are good, some days are bad. Less and less bad the more water under the bridge, but still there and surprising sometimes in their intensity. But it’s those days where there’s so much love and affection and happiness with who I’ve found, my flame, that make it all worthwhile. I still got a lot of work to do on me. And that’s ok. I still have a lot of pain left to feel. And that’s ok. And there’s a whole lot of life left to live and sink my teeth into, a whole lot of joy left to be found. And that’s ok. The sadness helps me realize how happy the happy times are, and the happiness helpes me realize the depths of my sadness. It all just IS. This is my life. Unemployed, single, penniless, with more responsibility than I can handle and maintain my sanity, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. This is ME. And I love being me.

Things have been fairly quiet for me the last couple of days, which I’m thankful for. I’ve been pretty quiet, which I’m feeling a little less than thankful for right now. Have spent the past few days licking my wounds, internalizing, gathering my strength. Trying to find center again in a life that is rapidly becoming a nexus in terms of cataclysmic life altering changes all happening at the same time.

As it stands right now, in 18 days I will be joining the masses of unemployed struggling to find jobs, trying to make do as a single father, with a mortgage, leftover marital credit-card debt, all the normal bills, and child support on the limited budget that unemployment wages provide. If I’m lucky. I still haven’t heard for sure if, as a contractor, I’m even elligible for unemployment. Changing jobs has always been one of the scariest things in my life for me. I don’t know why. It’s terrifying….. Deep breath….. Moving on.

My ex-wife is getting ready to move in with someone else in November. With the kids. I’m finding as time goes on, I’m accepting this more and more. He’s a good guy. The kids love him. He still respects me as their dad. He treats her good. They really love each other. That’s all that matters. Still though … it’s a big change. A hard, hard departure from what life used to be. I worry about her, and I worry about the kids. I just want to make sure they’re happy….. Deep breath….. Exhale….. Moving on.

I recently broke up with Lyon. There’s no way I can even begin to explain how lost I am. I didn’t want to, but right now, at this time, in this place, it’s the right thing for what we want, what I want. I’m still very much hurting and wanting to hold on right now. Life without the relationship side is … definitely a change. A major one.  Slow deeeep breath……….. Exhale……….. Moving on.

This morning as I dropped the kids off at daycare, and drove myself to work, I had the privelege of driving straight into the setting moon. Watching it grow larger and larger as the morning grew lighter, the sun rising in oranges and blazing electric purples behind me. Looking around at the trees and fields on my drive to work, noting how much is still green, but how much is just teeming with the brightest, most glowing reds I have ever seen, and bright oranges, and dull faded yellows already beginning to speckle with brown. The air was crisp, cold, I actually had to run the heater in the car. It was gorgeous. Life was made for moments like that.  It reminds me that everything will be ok.  Those are the moments in life worth having.  Whether you have money, or you have someone to share it with, or whatever.  Sure, those things can help.  But the joy and happiness in moments like these will STILL BE HERE… and they’ll still be amazing.

I still want someone to share it with. I still know who that is. But. Not right now. That’s a huge thing to wrap my mind around. It is. But I’ll get there. The ex-wife will move in with the man she loves, and I’m ok with that. I’m working on grasping the enormity of it. But I’ll get there. I’ll do the absolute best I can to find a job. I can’t give up. I’m putting a lot of faith in deity on this one. And I’ll play the cards they choose to give. Come what may. I’ll get there.

Positive thought, positive action … don’t fail me now.

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