Happy Thankgiving (part 2)
Thu ,26/11/2009Ok, damnit, this is important to me. I’m not going to leave the last post by itself. I was going to do yoga this morning, and waken up my body, try to find peace and serenity to face the day with. But I can’t just go into today, without finding something to be grateful for. I’m more positive than that. Time to do a little “yoga of the soul” I guess, and stretch out and really reach for that, and breathe into it, and feel myself awakening. I’m sure I have things I’m grateful for, even if on the outside, I don’t seem to have much of anything.
I am grateful for my children, who, even though they are a pain in my ass, and often cause me to feel like the world’s worst parent, still love me despite all my shortcomings. They count on me, they depend on me, they need me, and I am grateful for their unwavering trust and love.
I am grateful for my family. Even though they set my teeth on edge, and as the years go on, I find I have less and less in common with them, they’re my family. They’ve been there for me no matter what. Even when I’ve gone against everything they think I should do, have made mistakes, have lashed out at them, they’ve always been on my side. They haven’t always agreed, but they have accepted that I’m able to make my own choices, and stood by me when I made them. The more I look out at others, the more I realize how rare that really is. So I’m thankful for that.
I’m grateful for Lyon, even though we’re not at a place right now where I can have the parts of her that really make me the happiest. I’m still thankful that she is in my life, as a friend, as a confidant. I’m thankful for her in so many ways. I’m thankful she showed me what love really is, and I’m thankful we got to experience that, even if the time was far too short. I’m thankful for the love I still feel for her, and the love she still feels for me, even if we can’t embrace it now, even if we can’t ever again, I’m blessed to have seen what it was. There’s not enough time in the universe to fully experience that, so I should consider myself lucky to have experienced it for any time at all. Even if I can’t have it right now, my life is more full and meaningful for having got to at all.
I’m thankful for hope. Without it, I’d have given up and stopped living long before now. Hope that things will get better. That every cloud has a silver lining. That at the end of the rainbow is a pot of gold, and that along the paths through life things will someday work out for the best. Hope that no matter how dark things get, that there will be light again.
I’m thankful that I took the time to do this. I’m thankful that even though everything in my life has gone pretty much the opposite of what I’ve wanted, that everything dear to me seems to be slipping through my fingers, that even though I don’t have a job, money, a partner, security or comfort, that I’m still able to look at life and see the positive, even if it does take some work most days. Maybe that’s what this is all about. Maybe only after I have everything taken away from me, can I truly appreciate what comes next. After everything is gone, even the smallest things are miraculous and full of blessings, and imagine what that does for the big things.
I’m thankful that I have friends to talk to, even if it’s all in the virtual world as it were. I don’t think I could have gotten here alone. I love you all.
There, that wasn’t so hard. Have a happy Thanksgiving.