I’ve really been chewing on how to go about writing this for a few days.  I’ve known since Ryan first mentioned writing about masculinity that I have wanted to contribute to the discussion somehow, but my brain is so full of thoughts, I haven’t been sure exactly how.  I’m going to try to remedy this today and get some thoughts out.

For me, my spirituality, my views on gender, and politics all wrap together to help form my view of myself and the world. It’s hard to tease them apart into separate issues.  Some people cringe at the idea of politics and the spirit mixing, but when you are a person embracing your spirituality in every day life, why wouldn’t that inform your beliefs about society and how you envision the world at large?

Ryan is correct I believe, and I’ve had many of my male Pagan associates say similarly, that the God does often take a back seat to the Goddess in the writings and rituals of many modern Pagan practices.  At least ones that I myself am familiar with, I am aware that there are Pagan groups out there who take on a more balanced focus, and even groups that focus almost exclusively on the male principle, but those are fewer and far between.  Being from a feminist background myself, and knowing many, many good-hearted and beautiful Goddess loving women, I understand why some women choose to practice with women only groups, and choose to put the majority of their focus on the divine feminine.  They may feel that there is a distinct lack of honoring the female in other aspects of their lives or society at large, so they are seeking to correct an imbalance they perceive.  I would never begrudge them this.  I can appreciate women only space myself from time to time. I can also see the need for male only space in spiritual practice as well from time to time.

For myself as a general rule however, I do not believe that swinging the pendulum all the way in the opposite direction is a way to rectify the problem of living in a society that has traditionally undervalued the feminine and ignored the divine feminine.  For me, I strive to focus on balance, honoring both the feminine and the masculine in its myriad of forms equally in my personal practice.  They are two sides of a whole; you cannot have one without the other.

Now that being said, it’s important to take a moment to examine masculinity and femininity on its own and also how they function as identities for both us and others, as well as labels for helping us understand and connect with the divine.

It’s not a new concept for people to reach out to spirituality in order to help inform them of what “proper” roles are for women and men.  Christianity has been doing this for centuries, after all.  (And no – I’m not arguing that we should follow suit as a Pagan community, either =P .)  The thing that draws me to Paganism in this respect is that potentials are wide open.  When we look to the Gods as models of what a “man” or a “woman” should be, we see both males and females modeling a wide variety of ways to be.  We find Goddesses that are quick in intellect, industrious, crafty and who are brave and fierce warriors, as well as Goddesses who are the quintessential nurturer and the embodiment of the soft, mothering, creative principle.  We find Gods who all run the entire gamut from embodying the essence of machismo to those who are as soft and nurturing as any Goddess.  Paganism at its root acknowledges that both men and women are capable of taking on any role they wish.  Once we start putting boxes around things and saying to be male you can only be x and to be female you can only be y, we limit the human experience, stunt our personality and spiritual growth and deny the full range of what the divine is as well.  Ultimately, however you do it, if you’re living as wide open to potential and experience as you can; you are a “good woman” or a “good man.”  Whatever that means.   You are an earthly reflection of the Goddess and the God, (in whatever forms you observe) and as such that should be treated as sacred and honored.

The patriarchy of our society has long tied both men and women down into tiny boxes, limiting their potential and their experience of life.  This is, as has been well established, harmful to women and just as harmful to men too.  This is where we get the concept of Ryan’s “Fallen Male.”  He is created when we provide only a small box of potential roles and attitudes for him to fulfill.  The whole spectrum of what it is to be male gets bottled up, concentrated, and subverted onto its head and what you end up with is an unhealthy version of maleness.  It is the same with femaleness.

By swinging the pendulum completely in the opposite direction, you end up with the exact same thing.  You get men denying parts of themselves, with few healthy examples of what it is to be a healthy, strong and well adjusted male in the world, and women denying parts of themselves.  We say that we can have it all, but can we really?

One troubling outcome I have witnessed in this situation is that you end up with women, albeit women who are very good people, don’t get me wrong, who have a real disdain for anything considered remotely, traditionally female.  Oh….you are a homemaker?  A stay at home mother?  You LIKE to cook and you enjoy sewing?  Oh…that’s….nice.  I personally refuse to cast off these things that have become very central in my life and my view of myself in order to receive approval from others.  This is part of my reality of being a woman too.  I also have a college degree and I also embrace the work I do in the paid economy.  But I would not believe it healthy to deny either way of being a woman.

I’ve also met some Pagan men who carry a real self-hatred complex.  They feel that in order to worship the Goddess and honor the Pagan women in their lives, they have to cast off anything associated with traditional maleness and they become excessive apologists.  I don’t think that’s what the Gods want either.

When it comes right down to it, wouldn’t we rather have a world where the entire range of being male and female is embraced, and where we can raise our children knowing that however they choose to embody their gender it will be honored as it is?

The spiritual work ahead of us I believe where it pertains to gender is healing these internal rifts of identity within ourselves, which means embracing the male and female in their totality, acknowledging the differences and embracing the similarities and honoring their connection to each other, whether it is between a human couple, in our worship of the Gods, or be it the intersection of male and femaleness within one individual person. I do not advocate that we break down the differences between men and women and work towards an androgynous society either, rather that we just embrace the differences and value them equally, as well as acknowledge  that the categories are far wider than what we try to shove them into.  Any time we limit this for ourselves or others, we do ourselves and deity a great disservice.

And yes, like Ryan said, I do believe that Gender is far more than the external (or internal) plumbing that we are born with.  That is biological sex.  Our gender is more social, more of a role and way of understanding the world that is deeply ingrained in our psyches from practically day one.  As such, I believe that our plumbing need not dictate how gender manifests in us and I see a full array of possibilities within individuals and couples.  In other words, I’m attempting to not write from too much of a hetero-sexist bent here, but also acknowledge the full range of possibilities in transgendered forms and in homosexual relationships too.  There is room for any and every possibility at the table of gender and spirit.

Wow. This ended up way different than I thought it would be.  I sat down under the impression I was going to wax poetic about how much I love and honor the Pagan men in my life.  Because oh believe me, I do!   I also love and honor the Pagan women in my life.  Perhaps something more poetic and sentimental will come later on in a different post.

Most people anymore, when they hear the words “masculine”, “male” or “men”, have associations of the fallen male. The one given to excess, to rowdiness, to coarse and disrespectful behavior, the rapist, the misogynist, the uncouth. As sad as it makes me, that does indeed seem to be the case with a large number of men. Perhaps this is the masculinity society has come to expect. Turn on the tv and watch any commercial dealing with a male/female interaction, and by and large we’re portrayed as bumbling brutes, stupid and juvenile, self-absorbed. This is the message we’re sending the future generations of men. “You are stupid, nobody expects you to do more than watch Nascar, drink beer, grill out, and be an insensitive prick. Live it up, you can be a little boy forever.” Ok… so maybe that’s what masculinity is viewed as now. Maybe it’s what we’ve come to expect from the ill-fitted representatives of this gender. We take the weakest denominator, and make it the standard to base all men off of.

What I wanted to talk about though, is the DIVINE masculine. The ideal. The masculinity that many of us embrace and embody, try to live and emulate. A masculinity that has been handed down to us by REAL men, the so-called good ones that everybody wants to believe in, but we’re all too jaded to see. Divinity is something we aspire towards, and instead of brushing it under the rug so we can nurse our feelings of injustice at the hands of the fallen male, we should be embracing it, and using that as the example of what we should aspire towards. Gus had a good point that we’ve turned the masculine into a gelded male. A male that embraces all the feminine qualities, while denying himself the more uncomfortable aspects of masculinity. This isn’t right either. It’s just honoring the feminine under a different guise, it in fact, tells us that it’s NOT OK to be male. And that’s not what the divine masculine is about. The divine masculine isn’t a Horned God that has been castrated and put out to pasture. The divine masculine IS masculine, in raw, concentrate form. When one confronts that form, one often experiences a rising panic, terror, an almost unbearable galloping of the heart that makes the blood pound, and you know, even AS a masculine male, it can be pretty intimidating.

I’m getting off track. What exactly does masculinity mean? What is the ideal then, if not a gentle male that does what it’s told and denies itself?

In the interests of a little background, I have never really fit into the mold of tthe “typical” male that society likes to present us. I was never “one of the guys.” I didn’t ever really get the strong attraction to sports, to the point of forming strong connections with certain teams, treating statistics and accomplishments as quasi-religions. I never really chased every girl I could, anxious to sleep with anybody with a pretty face or give myself that way without love. I have to admit that while the idea of casual sex is definitely arousing, the reality of it leaves me feeling cold and empty. I am not afraid of commitment, I welcome it. I get along better with women, even if a pretty face can leave me tongue tied and babbling. I’m shy, though I try not to let it show. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions show, and they are strong. Growing up, that was a source of amusement for others brought up to conform the societal standard of maledom. I learned to hide my emotions as well. I embraced my feminine side, and shunned my masculine, finding the definition of it unappealing, ashamed. Then one day, Herne found me, and I opened my eyes.

To any of those reading, that have had chance to come face-to-face with Herne, or Cernunnos (to me they are one in the same), you probably know that his presense is prefaced with a rising sense of unease, or fear, or even panic.  There is so much power there, so much raw essense, that one finds it hard to remain open, the urge to cover ones eyes or turn away or close off can be overwhelming.  It is hard to face him.  He is powerful, awesome and awe-inspiring.  He is sexual, and confident, and he can make your blood boil and your knees quiver.  There are no filters to the raw, concentrated maleness of him, and it is intimidating.  It is terrifying.  But it is never threatening.  While in his glory he may appear strongly, he also has love and compassion, and can be comforting.  He merely IS, as fully as can be, there are no filters to what he is or what he has to say.  He can be cold, and hard, and what he has to say can be brutal, but it’s not delivered with malice or contempt.  He merely acknowledges things as they are, and deals with them as such.  In my experience he isn’t one to mince words, or go into long diatribes, but instead gets to the point, quickly and honestly, using as few words as possible.   He is confident, serene, full of purpose, of passion, possessed of poise, comfort in himself, determined and resolute.  Not for him are the vague answers or broad general sweeping statements, but fact, cold, hard, uncut.  He is the hunter, and he is the hunted.  He has understanding of his quarry, compassion and even love, and as such is successful in his endeavors.  He is able to also strike when the need is true, without fear or hesitation.  He will strike true, swiftly and with grim purpose, if the need is required, with the same compassion and love.  And compassion and love aren’t always fluffy bunny rabbits and rainbows.  Sometimes that compassion and love are the stern words, the hard expression, the no nonsense, unfiltered truth, with no punches pulled.  He is animal, he is man, he is God, and he’s not an easy God to face.

So, that’s all well and good, but still … what IS masculinity? It’s more than a set of external and frequently unreliable organs. It’s more than copious body hair and strong musky odors. That’s just a physiological description. To me, masculinity is raw. It’s a driving force, a terrible sense of purpose and power, but with compassion and love behind that power to guide it. Masculinity carries with it an undeniable sexual urge.  Masculinity is the courage and compassion to be master over ones’ self, to exercise self control, to be able to follow through with purpose, conviction and determination.  It carries with it great responsibility, for masculinity is also passionate and violent.  When the moment comes there exists a power that can explode with blinding intensity, and this is where a lot of us fall down.  It can be very difficult to control, but it is there.  It’s part of the package, and as such, is beautiful, when used correctly, not something to be ashamed of.  It is something that is held in reserve for when it is needed.  The fear comes from so many lacking that self control.  Masculinity is visual and visceral, it’s very hands on, it exists more clearly in one’s outward actions than in one’s emotions.  This doesn’t discount the emotional aspects, we still feel, strongly and deeply.  But divine masculinity rises above that with the strength and courage to operate and do what is right despite those distractions.  It is about action, about being present.  It is also warm, and loving.  Masculinity is not afraid to commit, masculinity THRIVES on commitment, becomes itself more so through the act.  It nurtures, it loves, it protects and provides.  The urge to protect and provide is essential to masculinity, because of the depth and breadth of the  roots of commitment  and love it possesses.  The masculine is a lover, a husband, and a father.  Masculinity is also open, and honest.  It is forthwright, and unfiltered in its attempts to communicate.  The masculine strives to tell things as they are, plainly, without metaphor or worry of how it will be perceived.  This can be hard to handle, by any of us, but it is also essential at times.   Masculinity is not afraid to show emotion, or passion, but is also tempered by practicality.  It is not afraid to take control when necessary.  Masculinity has both a love of creation, and a love of destruction.  Both at times are necessary.  The masculine is not afraid of getting dirty, of standing knee deep in mud, or burying arms inside the bloody warm body of a slain animal, to remove the organs and harvest the meat when needed.  Masculinity does what HAS to be done, silently, quietly, humbly, without complaint.  Masculinity also thrives on recognition, on praise and thanks for the sacrifice of the hard job done, though it doesn’t expect any in return.

Ideally, this is masculinity, as I see it, even if I feel like I still haven’t explained it well enough.  So many powerful tools it possesses, and so many chances for us to misuse them.  Without our love and compassion, masculinity has a greater potential to be brutal and destructive.  With the love and compassion, it is a duality of seeming opposides, working together to become more divine.  To be able to destroy to create, instead of creating to destroy.  To be able to be cold enough to live as we must beyond our most fevered emotions.  To be tender enough to love fully, while being savage enough to love honestly.