Masculinity, Femininity and Spirituality
Fri ,23/10/2009Hello there! It’s very cool to be writing here in Ryan’s space, and very nice of him to ask to me to do so. Let me get my butt print on his couch here and make myself at home.
I’ve really been chewing on how to go about writing this for a few days. I’ve known since Ryan first mentioned writing about masculinity that I have wanted to contribute to the discussion somehow, but my brain is so full of thoughts, I haven’t been sure exactly how. I’m going to try to remedy this today and get some thoughts out.
For me, my spirituality, my views on gender, and politics all wrap together to help form my view of myself and the world. It’s hard to tease them apart into separate issues. Some people cringe at the idea of politics and the spirit mixing, but when you are a person embracing your spirituality in every day life, why wouldn’t that inform your beliefs about society and how you envision the world at large?
Ryan is correct I believe, and I’ve had many of my male Pagan associates say similarly, that the God does often take a back seat to the Goddess in the writings and rituals of many modern Pagan practices. At least ones that I myself am familiar with, I am aware that there are Pagan groups out there who take on a more balanced focus, and even groups that focus almost exclusively on the male principle, but those are fewer and far between. Being from a feminist background myself, and knowing many, many good-hearted and beautiful Goddess loving women, I understand why some women choose to practice with women only groups, and choose to put the majority of their focus on the divine feminine. They may feel that there is a distinct lack of honoring the female in other aspects of their lives or society at large, so they are seeking to correct an imbalance they perceive. I would never begrudge them this. I can appreciate women only space myself from time to time. I can also see the need for male only space in spiritual practice as well from time to time.
For myself as a general rule however, I do not believe that swinging the pendulum all the way in the opposite direction is a way to rectify the problem of living in a society that has traditionally undervalued the feminine and ignored the divine feminine. For me, I strive to focus on balance, honoring both the feminine and the masculine in its myriad of forms equally in my personal practice. They are two sides of a whole; you cannot have one without the other.
Now that being said, it’s important to take a moment to examine masculinity and femininity on its own and also how they function as identities for both us and others, as well as labels for helping us understand and connect with the divine.
It’s not a new concept for people to reach out to spirituality in order to help inform them of what “proper” roles are for women and men. Christianity has been doing this for centuries, after all. (And no – I’m not arguing that we should follow suit as a Pagan community, either =P .) The thing that draws me to Paganism in this respect is that potentials are wide open. When we look to the Gods as models of what a “man” or a “woman” should be, we see both males and females modeling a wide variety of ways to be. We find Goddesses that are quick in intellect, industrious, crafty and who are brave and fierce warriors, as well as Goddesses who are the quintessential nurturer and the embodiment of the soft, mothering, creative principle. We find Gods who all run the entire gamut from embodying the essence of machismo to those who are as soft and nurturing as any Goddess. Paganism at its root acknowledges that both men and women are capable of taking on any role they wish. Once we start putting boxes around things and saying to be male you can only be x and to be female you can only be y, we limit the human experience, stunt our personality and spiritual growth and deny the full range of what the divine is as well. Ultimately, however you do it, if you’re living as wide open to potential and experience as you can; you are a “good woman” or a “good man.” Whatever that means. 
You are an earthly reflection of the Goddess and the God, (in whatever forms you observe) and as such that should be treated as sacred and honored.
The patriarchy of our society has long tied both men and women down into tiny boxes, limiting their potential and their experience of life. This is, as has been well established, harmful to women and just as harmful to men too. This is where we get the concept of Ryan’s “Fallen Male.” He is created when we provide only a small box of potential roles and attitudes for him to fulfill. The whole spectrum of what it is to be male gets bottled up, concentrated, and subverted onto its head and what you end up with is an unhealthy version of maleness. It is the same with femaleness.
By swinging the pendulum completely in the opposite direction, you end up with the exact same thing. You get men denying parts of themselves, with few healthy examples of what it is to be a healthy, strong and well adjusted male in the world, and women denying parts of themselves. We say that we can have it all, but can we really?
One troubling outcome I have witnessed in this situation is that you end up with women, albeit women who are very good people, don’t get me wrong, who have a real disdain for anything considered remotely, traditionally female. Oh….you are a homemaker? A stay at home mother? You LIKE to cook and you enjoy sewing? Oh…that’s….nice. I personally refuse to cast off these things that have become very central in my life and my view of myself in order to receive approval from others. This is part of my reality of being a woman too. I also have a college degree and I also embrace the work I do in the paid economy. But I would not believe it healthy to deny either way of being a woman.
I’ve also met some Pagan men who carry a real self-hatred complex. They feel that in order to worship the Goddess and honor the Pagan women in their lives, they have to cast off anything associated with traditional maleness and they become excessive apologists. I don’t think that’s what the Gods want either.
When it comes right down to it, wouldn’t we rather have a world where the entire range of being male and female is embraced, and where we can raise our children knowing that however they choose to embody their gender it will be honored as it is?
The spiritual work ahead of us I believe where it pertains to gender is healing these internal rifts of identity within ourselves, which means embracing the male and female in their totality, acknowledging the differences and embracing the similarities and honoring their connection to each other, whether it is between a human couple, in our worship of the Gods, or be it the intersection of male and femaleness within one individual person. I do not advocate that we break down the differences between men and women and work towards an androgynous society either, rather that we just embrace the differences and value them equally, as well as acknowledge that the categories are far wider than what we try to shove them into. Any time we limit this for ourselves or others, we do ourselves and deity a great disservice.
And yes, like Ryan said, I do believe that Gender is far more than the external (or internal) plumbing that we are born with. That is biological sex. Our gender is more social, more of a role and way of understanding the world that is deeply ingrained in our psyches from practically day one. As such, I believe that our plumbing need not dictate how gender manifests in us and I see a full array of possibilities within individuals and couples. In other words, I’m attempting to not write from too much of a hetero-sexist bent here, but also acknowledge the full range of possibilities in transgendered forms and in homosexual relationships too. There is room for any and every possibility at the table of gender and spirit.
Wow. This ended up way different than I thought it would be. I sat down under the impression I was going to wax poetic about how much I love and honor the Pagan men in my life. Because oh believe me, I do! I also love and honor the Pagan women in my life. Perhaps something more poetic and sentimental will come later on in a different post.