old man sutton

The adventures through life and spirit of a single father, lover and man.

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been over a whole MONTH since last I posted!  I keep meaning to tackle part 2 of my previous post, but everytime I sit down to do so I’m just not quite sure where to start.  This is the problem with an eclectic and evolving path, it keeps changing.  I’m currently exploring Buddhism more in depth, and am experiencing even more positive growth in my spiritual life.  I’ll get my thoughts in order eventually and tackle that subject, but right now I just want to actually POST something.  Write a little.

Life has been, well… life.  There’s been some positives on the road lately, and some negatives.  Good times and bad.  My financial situation has brightened a bit lately, I’ve dealt with a car dying on the side of the highway at 2am, and the subsequent transmission repairs, and the kids continue to grow like weeds.  Speaking of growing things, for those that don’t follow along with me on Facebook, I’m in the middle of tackling my vegetable garden for the first time ever!  I’ve gotten a 8′ x 12′ plot of land turned over, and would be building the beds and planting today if it weren’t so cold and rainy.  I’m planning on growing tomatoes, green beans, green peppers, romaine lettuce, spinach, broccoli, zucchini, summer squash, carrots and strawberries.  If there’s room left over (and there should be) I also plan on planting some herbs, most notably white sage.  I’m kind of at a loss what as to what herbs I should plant, as I don’t frequently USE herbs.  Suggestions anyone?

The job search continues, with little success.

I’ve been terrible not only about writing in my blog, but also with READING blogs.  My apologies to everyone, I’m not intending to slight anybody.  I’m spending more and more time focusing on my immediate surroundings, and just can’t seem to summon up enough time or energy to get around to all the reading I was doing.

I’ve been continuing my yoga practice, and let me tell you… the benefits to mind and soul aside, yoga is amazing for losing weight and sculpting and toning muscles.  I’ve never felt so sexy!  LOL

Last night I attended an open house for where my son will be going to school next year.  He’ll be entering Kindergarten, and the school where he’ll be going has four Kindergarten classes, all in their own building.  I got to meet all four of his potential teachers (teacher/student assignments have not been done yet), and while I liked them all, I’m really hoping he gets the first teacher we met with.  When he would ask questions of the teacher, she would in turn encourage him to figure out the answers, where the other teachers would just tell him.  I really love how she handled and encouraged his curiousity, so I got my fingers crossed on that one.

My daughter continues to grow up, and she’s absolutely adorable.  She has the squeakiest little voice, and is always in an amazing mood.  Sure, as she’s growing, she’s hit the stage where she’s trying crying to get her way on things, but I learned that lesson the hard way with my son.  Throw your tantrum, come talk to me when you’re done, I’m not playing that game, lol.

Today, I think since the weather won’t be cooperating, it’ll be a nice, calm, long day of cleaning as I go, and enjoying life.  There’s definitely a benefit of being able to look and find a positive in any negative, and in appreciating the little things.  That benefit has me smiling as I sip my coffee on this cold and rainy day, and I do so love to smile.

Today has been a good day so far, and it’s only 3:30pm.  I’ve managed to do a whole bunch of things today, things that I have been putting off for far too long.  It’s amazing how many things have stacked up for me.  But then again, I’ve kinda been avoiding dealing with my life for a while.  That’s pretty hard to admit.  Obvious maybe, but still hard to admit.

One of the things I have managed to do today, is CLEAN.  I’m talking, CLEAN.  Spring style.  The house hasn’t looked this good in… well, since before I moved back in.   I am l-o-o-o-v-i-n-g it.  It’s like a huge weight off my shoulders.  *deeeeep inhale*  Ahhhhh…. *pats himself on the back*

I haven’t really been right since she moved back down there.  I’ve been scared, and I’ve been lonely, and I’ve been avoiding dealing with my life.  I do miss her so much… all the Gods and Goddesses I miss her so much.  She was and is the brightest thing I have ever seen in my life, and I have cherished every single second of being close with her.  I miss that feeling in my life, I miss it so much.  And even though I believe in the strength of it, and I believe that it’s still there for both of us, I’m still scared like, maybe that’s not going to be good enough for her, and .. maybe I will lose that.  The most amazing thing I have ever seen or believed in in my entire life.  The strength of it.  The sheer holy fucking joy of it.  Her.  The most beautiful person inside and out I have ever met.

I’ve been afraid because … I have no job.  I have no prospects.  I have no money.  I have debt stacking up against me.  I’m pretty terrified on this front.  I have had some bright blessings, but I am far from out of the woods.

… but now …

I’ve been trying to live my life more.  I’ve been taking more time for myself.  I’ve been getting myself out of the house.  I’ve been taking time to have fun by myself.  Having time where I am by myself.  Time to cry.  And believe me, I cry.

And as always, life goes on.  It’s so rare to ever find anything that DOES happen at an ideal time.  But things always tend to happen … NOW.  They happen in the present.  And part of living in the present, is dealing with them in the present.  Take the bad for now I guess, and appreciate the high points that much more … whenever.  There’ll be more high points in my life …. some day.  For now, there is today.  And I’m going to enjoy the high points in today.  And not just the high points, but the low points too.  And the shit that I have been putting off for far too long, like cleaning this house.  And I’m going to be thankful for all of it.  While my life would be the happiest I could picture it with her, I won’t be miserable without her.  I refuse to be.  But for now, yes, damnit I’m going to hurt.  Right now I have time to feel.  I have time to live the highs, and I have time to live the lows.

It’s a pretty rollercoastery day.  I’ve flip flopped back and forth quite a bit.

I’m pretty much just writing straight everything I’m thinking down.

I hope this isn’t too hard on anybody.

… it’s pretty hard on me …

but even so…

it’s a good day.

=)

*big hugs to you all*

Been poking my nose through blogland lately, noticing how much now, everybody seems to have disliked 2009. Hated, loathed, etc. What gives? Yes, a lot of incredibly shitty things happened this year. My own 2009 took a sharp decline in terms of enjoyable events, and a sharp increase in terms of catastrophic events, as the year progressed. A lot of bad stuff went down, and at first, I was inclined to jump on the bandwagon with middle finger flying and pants pulled down shooting the moon to passing year. Ready to welcome 2010, this is the year it all gets better!

But… why? If I look back on 2009, there were more things to be happy about than to be disappointed or sad about. In terms of quantity, I had more good things happen to me than bad. Yes, I lost my job, etc, etc, but… that just happened once. Maybe … the things that sucked so bad about 2009 weren’t the events in my life, but rather, how I handled them, and my outlook on them. And you know… if that’s the case… how is 2010 going to be any different?

I lost my job. Once. But I spent more time crying about it and feeling shitty about it, and bitching and moaning than I did trying to fix it or find a new one. That’s not the year’s fault, or my ex-employer’s fault. The fault there is my own. I’ve been strapped for cash. But you know what, I survived. I didn’t have enough to do what I wanted to, but I made it. That should be celebrated, but I’ve been looking at what I didn’t have.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other night, about appreciating what we do have when we have it. He really helped balance that equation for me. Yeah, we should be grateful and thankful for what we have. If all we have is bread and water, and that is enough to get us by in the moment, we should appreciate that, and be thankful for that. But that doesn’t mean we should stop striving to be fulfilled in the way we want to be either. Bread and water is good, but if you want steak and potatoes, you shouldn’t stop trying to reach for that, and you shouldn’t let anything stand in your way when you have the chance to grab that either.

We’re human, we strive to achieve our hopes and dreams. And yeah, this past year, a lot of us have had some major stumbling blocks placed in our way. But I hold that it’s been our attitudes that have been the block, and the real fault didn’t lie in the events of the past year, but rather in our outlooks on life, and how we handled the disappointments, the heartbreaks, the setbacks and pitfalls.

So. It’s a new year. Now what. Will I approach it the same way, and have the same year this year, with different circumstances? Or will I work on truly appreciating the little things in my life again, finding thanks with my bread and water? Will I let that be enough, or can I also appreciate the large things in my life as well, and never stop reaching for what sweeps me up and ignites my hopes?

Waiter, steak and potatoes please.

I sit here on this crisp, cold November morning, warm and sound at my kitchen table, a small french press of freshly ground Sumatra at hand, and my daughter in the other room watching Curious George. I’ve dropped my son off at school, and am glad to be back in the house. The grass, leaves, and roofs of the surrounding structures in the neighborhood are all a-glitter, frost covering them and transforming them into brittle little sculptures. I still haven’t gotten the inflatable pool from the summer completely cleared of water, and there is now a thin layer of ice on top. I’m enjoying watching sparrows fly up and land on the butterfly bush outside my kitchen window, with smoke curling out of the chimney of the neighbors behind me. It’s … a peaceful sort of morning.

I’ve been finding myself seriously blocked lately. Standing in my own way. I have these grand ambitions of cleaning my house, going through boxes that have been sitting here this past … almost a year now, wow … and throwing away things that I don’t need anymore. Of vacuuming, dusting, washing down walls, mopping, and saging the hell out of everything. Really cleansing, and erasing the memories and ghosts from these walls, releasing the old energy to make room for the new. Dishes need doing, kids clothes needs to be gone through and the small stuff bagged up for friends and charity. The lawn needs one last mowing and the leaves need raking, and my compost pile still needs to come to fruition, if I’m going to have new soil for the spring. My resume needs updating, and posting, and printing, and I need to be tracking down job leads. I have a lot on my plate, and I know all this needs to get done, and … every time I go to do it, I just end up staring at it, and turning right back around, and sitting back down.

I feel really ineffective right now. Real hopeless. The thing is, as long as I’m thinking this… I’m right. I’m caught in a paradox. I have to be able try to care, but I have to be able to care to try. Which comes first? I see this, I know this. I know all it takes is a little effort in the face of this malaise, to be able to start to overcome it. I want to overcome it. And I can’t seem to bring myself to. I’m suffering some serious blockage here, and it’s starting to worry me. Even with this worry, I sit here, and pull the blankets over my head, as if that makes it less real somehow.

What do YOU do to get through times like this, and get moving again? I need some advice on this one, and so I turn to you, dear friends. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Last night, I went out to dinner in Midland, to my favorite Chinese restaurant, Pi’s.  My last day of work was October 23rd, and another coworker I had worked with had recently been laid off as well.  She was moving back down to Houston, and we were having a dinner to send her off.

I left for dinner from my house, and got in my car, and began the long drive to Midland.  For most of this drive I took River Road, instead of Midland Road, as I wanted a more scenic view.  River Road, appropriately enough, runs alongside the Tittabawassee River, and goes right through the outlying reaches of a little town called Freeland.  The town where I grew up.

For some reason, driving through there last night, I was feeling really good.  The scenery was incredible, as the sun was setting.  There are a lot of bare trees now, but where once they were orange, or red or yellow, now the ground is this color.  The fields are harvested.  There are great expanses of bare earth, and it was humming.   It was feeling really good.  I made some sort of connection to the land, or it made one with me.  But it felt like being a kid again.  Everything felt familiar.

The past two days I’ve found myself amazed at earth.   Though yes, I’m amazed at our planet as well, that’s not exactly what I’m talking about.  Earth.  Soil.  Dirt.  The surface of the planet.   Specifically, its ability to just… absorb.

I was amazed yesterday, while visiting with my neighbor, at what has happened behind his garage.  We had both broke up a lot of concrete around our homes, and he put the pieces behind his garage to keep the weeds down.  What’s amazing to me is how the stones have sank into the ground these past two years, so that now, there’s almost a little pathway running behind his garage.  I’ve noticed my brick pile I had laid out has sank down one whole layer of bricks.  This lay is far enough into the ground that it’s starting to get covered up.    The stones I had put out into my driveway to keep the mud down (dirt driveway), have all sank quite a bit as well.  I went to the grocery store today and noticed some parking curbs were off the pavement, and onto the dirt.  They had sank about halfway down.

I feel like I’m being shown something.  For now, I’m going to sit with my thoughts, though I’d welcome any of yours.

Saturday I’m scheduled to write for Lyon at The Wandering Hearth.  I can’t even begin to express how honored I am to have been asked, or how special this is for me.  I’ll be joined that weekend by two other guest bloggers, Bella Foxglove from Wanderings of a Wondering Mind, and Jupiter Greenmoone of Carnelian Chronicles.

All for now, have a good morning.

I have a few more serious posts rattling around in my head lately, but anytime I go to write them down I can’t get the words to flow out. I’m working on it. I’m still here though.

Look here soon too for a guest post from Lyon at The Wandering Hearth, as a further exploration of my Divine Masculinity thoughts. Looking forward to her views, which I respect quite a bit.

Today is my last wednesday at my job, my last day is Friday. I’m just ready for it to happen now. The job front is looking grim, but I’m looking forward to cleaning my house, thoroughly, and make it mine again.

All for now!

Things have been fairly quiet for me the last couple of days, which I’m thankful for. I’ve been pretty quiet, which I’m feeling a little less than thankful for right now. Have spent the past few days licking my wounds, internalizing, gathering my strength. Trying to find center again in a life that is rapidly becoming a nexus in terms of cataclysmic life altering changes all happening at the same time.

As it stands right now, in 18 days I will be joining the masses of unemployed struggling to find jobs, trying to make do as a single father, with a mortgage, leftover marital credit-card debt, all the normal bills, and child support on the limited budget that unemployment wages provide. If I’m lucky. I still haven’t heard for sure if, as a contractor, I’m even elligible for unemployment. Changing jobs has always been one of the scariest things in my life for me. I don’t know why. It’s terrifying….. Deep breath….. Moving on.

My ex-wife is getting ready to move in with someone else in November. With the kids. I’m finding as time goes on, I’m accepting this more and more. He’s a good guy. The kids love him. He still respects me as their dad. He treats her good. They really love each other. That’s all that matters. Still though … it’s a big change. A hard, hard departure from what life used to be. I worry about her, and I worry about the kids. I just want to make sure they’re happy….. Deep breath….. Exhale….. Moving on.

I recently broke up with Lyon. There’s no way I can even begin to explain how lost I am. I didn’t want to, but right now, at this time, in this place, it’s the right thing for what we want, what I want. I’m still very much hurting and wanting to hold on right now. Life without the relationship side is … definitely a change. A major one.  Slow deeeep breath……….. Exhale……….. Moving on.

This morning as I dropped the kids off at daycare, and drove myself to work, I had the privelege of driving straight into the setting moon. Watching it grow larger and larger as the morning grew lighter, the sun rising in oranges and blazing electric purples behind me. Looking around at the trees and fields on my drive to work, noting how much is still green, but how much is just teeming with the brightest, most glowing reds I have ever seen, and bright oranges, and dull faded yellows already beginning to speckle with brown. The air was crisp, cold, I actually had to run the heater in the car. It was gorgeous. Life was made for moments like that.  It reminds me that everything will be ok.  Those are the moments in life worth having.  Whether you have money, or you have someone to share it with, or whatever.  Sure, those things can help.  But the joy and happiness in moments like these will STILL BE HERE… and they’ll still be amazing.

I still want someone to share it with. I still know who that is. But. Not right now. That’s a huge thing to wrap my mind around. It is. But I’ll get there. The ex-wife will move in with the man she loves, and I’m ok with that. I’m working on grasping the enormity of it. But I’ll get there. I’ll do the absolute best I can to find a job. I can’t give up. I’m putting a lot of faith in deity on this one. And I’ll play the cards they choose to give. Come what may. I’ll get there.

Positive thought, positive action … don’t fail me now.

—–

Well… heh. After my reassessing post, the universe has decided to deal me a different hand. My contract at work ends October 23rd, and there’s not enough work left to pick it back up, though I may still get calls if things pick back up. And yesterday my water got shut off, and I won’t be able to get it back on until this weekend. So. Shit. I’ll post something more when I’m more awake.