old man sutton

The adventures through life and spirit of a single father, lover and man.

A good morning to you all!  I had a bit of a crazy night, as I ended up falling asleep on the couch with my netbook on my lap.  I ended up waking up around 2:30am and getting settled down more appropriately and finishing up my night’s slumber.  Oddly enough, I just received my horoscope for the day, and the time I woke up was just as the Moon began to enter Sagittarius.  Perhaps it’s not relevant to anything, but I DO find this interesting.  VERY interesting.

I believe those who regularly comment are all in with their questions at this point, and I’m itching to answer!  First however, in a nod to the title of the previous post, I thought I would share the video for the song on which it was based.  From the 1956 film version of the Rodgers & Hammerstein musical, The King and I, the song and video for “Getting To Know You.”

And with that, on to the questions!

Erin asked: “Barring Neil Gaiman, because I already know what you think of him, what author, living or dead, would you like to be able to invite to dinner and have a discussion? Why?”

Ah Erin, my love of Neil Gaiman you know well!  But despite the fact that he’s one of my three favorite authors, the author I would MOST like to invite to dinner and have a discussion with would in fact be Patrick F. McManus.  In fact, it’s been a long standing life goal of mine to go fishing with him.  Pat McManus writes humorous articles and short stories about the outdoors, be they categorized as fishing, hunting, camping, etc.  His humorous take on everything from outdoor sport to childhood has always made me laugh, long and hard.  Through the humor however, there is a love of the outdoors that shines through, and meshes well with the same love I have held since my own childhood.  My father first introduced me to this author, and it’s been a long running “gag” that I get him a Pat McManus book every Christmas.  Sometimes I would even let him read the book first!  LOL.  For my money, there could be no higher honor, than a fishing trip with this wonderful author and outdoorsman.

Mary asked: “How did you decide on following the Celtic path? Had you had experiences with other paths prior?“

Good question!  I had little or no experience or knowledge with Paganism before a year or two, when I suddenly was introduced to the concept by somebody I had an enormous amount of love and respect for.  This forced me to really stop and look at the topic honestly.  At the time, she said I was one of the most truly Pagan people she had met, and in retrospect, she was right.  Prior to this time, I had begun to open the doors of my spirituality to the teachings of other faiths beyond Christianity, and was finding both similarities in the teachings, as well as other teachings that I found meshed well with my understanding of what was both good and divine.  After taking the time to open my ears and eyes to what Paganism was really about, I didn’t so much choose, as Herne/Cernunnos chose me.  I realize he’s not reliably a Celtic God in the terms of the Irish Celts, although there remains a question as to if he may be so to the Gaulish Celts.  I also adopted Brighid during this time, which explains the more Irish Celtic views.  I find the druidic love of nature and lore to fit really well with my own personality.  I feel a strong, deep affinity for the natural world, and this path seems to best represent and nurture that bond.  At the end of the day however, I don’t follow a strictly Celtic path.  It’s what I’m learning at the moment, but my personal path is actually an eclectic blend of Christianity, Buddhism, Paganism, Taoism, and will continue to grow and expand as time goes by.  I think the best term one could use to designate my path, would be a path of mysticism and divine spirituality.  I however, just choose to refuse to really label myself at all.

Moonwolf asked: “Of the four elements, which one are you most drawn to and why? Is there one, or does it change? If it changes, why?“

Another really good question, and one that I have been pondering since your comment hit.  I also have been considering adding the fifth element, of “Love” or “Spirit” or even, if you follow the Discworld series of books, “Surprise”.  Hehe.  But you’re asking about the more common four, Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water.  I think the element I am most drawn to is Fire.  There is something hypnotic and powerful about fire.  Its energy is readily felt, and is highly transformative.  I work well with fire, and have a deep and unyielding respect for it.  That said however, sometimes it seems as if Air is drawn strongly to me, often matching my moods and whims.  Soft playful breezes, gale force winds, I love them all.  Water has always kind of scared me.  I’m not a strong swimmer, and have a hard time with water.  However, when in its frozen state, I love and work well with water.  Earth of course, is one that is always there, and is so necessary I barely even notice.  Burying my toes in the sand, and enjoying all the gifts that grow from Earth.  So yes, I suppose my favorite changes, depending on which element I am currently facing.  I love them all, and I think this really helps balance and strengthen that fifth element inside of me, Spirit.

Mother Moon asked: “Besides people, what is the one thing that lifts your spirits most and why?“

One of the most uplifting things, besides people, in terms of my spirits, is something that is fast approaching.  For me, the Springtime is something I am STRONGLY connected to.  When the temperatures get into the 50’s, when the earth is damp, when the grass starts getting green, when the flowers start to poke out of the ground, when things start to grow, when the breeze plays across my face and tousles my hair, I experience such a state of euphoria that is nearly undescribable.  When Spring comes, I feel the most alive, the most energetic, the most positive and upbeat.  I walk around with a damned silly grin on my face, and I can’t concentrate on much at all except how fantastic I feel.  This is the time of year I most enjoy walking through the woods, welcoming nature as it comes back to life.  And I respond in kind, welcoming back life, vitality, positive energy.  For me, besides people, THIS is the thing in life that most makes my spirits sing.

Rue asked: “I would like to hear about the kids. What are they like? What do they like to do? Climb trees, tea parties, camping? What’s your favourite part of being a dad?“

I have two children.  A 5 year old son named Milo, and a 2 year old girl named Erin.  Milo is a serious sort of boy, though underneath this he has a silly and crazy side that can be rather … rambunctious at times.  So it is with ALL five year old boys though.  Erin is a model of calm and cheerful, except when she is tired.  She has always been the most peaceful of children, in terms of getting along with.  They both like playing outside, though Milo’s love of insects terrifies Erin.  Milo is insanely into dinosaurs, and knows more about them now than I ever did or probably ever will.  I tell him he should be a paleontologist when he grows up, and he agrees.  Erin has all the makings of a tom boy, though she also already has a major shoe fetish.  I don’t know where that comes from.  In a world of post divorce, the kids only really ever have each other on a constant basis, so while they get into their fair share of bickering and other assorted sibling rivalries, they are very close to each other.  I love them both to death, though of course, they can wear me down so fast.  I am trying to nurture more positive behaviors in them, and am looking forward to getting out the wagon and taking them on walks in the woods again.  It’s something my dad always did with us as kids, and is something I want to do for my children as well.  They’re both intelligent, and highly inquisitive.  Milo thrives on fact based information, and has had an astonishing vocabulary and grasp of word usage since he was very young.  Erin has a mind that is suited to complex problem solving skills with little information, and always amazes me with what she can figure out on her own.  My favorite part of being a dad, are the moments when the kids are well behaved, and attentive.  Receiving such a strength of love and adoration from my children, makes ANY and ALL of the more difficult parts totally worthwhile.  There is no greater feeling when one of them will come up to me out of the blue, give me a hug, and tell me how much they love me.  That’s really what makes parenting all worthwhile for me.

And so, with that, I’ve exhausted the questions for today.  Please feel free, any of you, new readers and old alike, to ask questions.  I found this experiment to be very uplifting and meaningful, and I enjoyed it a lot.  I hope you will too.  Now if you’ll all excuse me, there are some Jehovah’s Witnesses at my door, offering me even more literature to broaden my spiritual horizons with.  ;)  Wishing you all a blessed Saturday!

Good morning all! A very happy Wednesday to you. I’m currently adjusting to a new visitation schedule with the kids that will be in full effect next week. This week, there is a transition period. I have to admit I’m looking forward to this a LOT. I’ve had the kids every single weekend for the past year and a half, and I’m looking forward to having free weekends again! There was something relaxing about having weekdays as my weekends, but it’s not exactly conducive to having a social life. Everybody I know works, and so I’d spend my “days off” lonely and bored. Sure that’s fun and necessary once in a while, but I’m here to tell you that it drags on me. After a year and a half, I’m ready to have “adult” (not like that) time on the weekends again.

I’m also finding myself making a bit more effort on things that need to be happening internally in my own life. Tweaks here and there. I’m feeling a lot more positive lately as a result. Still have my emotional struggles in the day to day, but maintaining that positive outlook more and more regardless of that. Coming to greater understandings of some of the “why’s” in my personal relationships and circumstances. This week hasn’t been that kind to me so far, but that’s ok! I’m looking at life and saying, “OK! ENOUGH already, I get it, you can stop smacking me around.” Taking more time to listen. Spending some more time internally. It’s not really what I want right now, but if it’s necessary, then fighting it is just stupid. So that’s where I’m standing today.

You probably noticed by now that I’ve styled my blog a bit differently. It’s more personal and pleasing to me. I liked the old picture and colors, but these mean so much more to me. Also I see it as a way of honoring the coming spring and summer.

I’m thinking this morning, that I’d like to share some more about myself with you all. I’ve listed things I’m grateful for in the past. So today, I thought I’d share some confessions about myself instead. The good, the bad, and the hilarious.

I am a Gemini (sun sign), Aries (moon sign) and Virgo (ascending sign).

My father wanted to name me “Lunch Money”, and I’ve always thought that was the coolest thing ever, and I’m kind of disappointed he didn’t.

I am very stubborn and headstrong. I like to do things my OWN way. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been this way. The more somebody pushes me to do something, the more I fight. And when I make up my mind, it takes a lot to make me change it.

I still miss the good aspects of my old marriage from time to time. Some days the loss of that still make me cry. But I still believe I did the right thing, even if the cost was so high as to be nearly unbearable.

This morning while driving to pick up the kids, I burst into song in the car. I spontaneously made up and sang a song about how great it was to see the sun, and about dreams coming true. I sang it in a majestic baritone that surprised even myself, and it totally made my morning. I have to admit to being inspired by somebody close to me, and she figured largely into the lyrics. lol

I am still very much in love (you know who you are), and although the strength and depth of that emotion hasn’t faded with time (far from it), I’m understanding more how now isn’t the right time to jump into that. Not with so much work on self that still needs to be done, on both our parts. That was always and ever the point, and the strength of these emotions makes it hard to focus on that sometimes. Sure I’d still love to be able to embrace that from time to time and think that’d be ok, but I understand too how distracting and consuming that can become.

I do believe I found the right person for me, the one, even if we can’t have that right now.

I really want to learn how to blacksmith.

When I was in school, I played a musical instrument: the clarinet. I was mocked for this, playing a “girl’s instrument”, until years later the other guys suddenly realized that they were sitting segregated off in dude-land, while I was surrounded by women. Hehe, suckers.

I’m a hopeless, helpless romantic with the right person.

My water is currently shut off, and I took a shower this morning with two gallons of water in a jug. I’m looking at the positive of this, in that I’ve conserved water today.

I’m hopelessly in love with my kids, even if they do make me want to strangle them.

I love long car drives. I really miss driving down to Indiana, or home from Lansing early in the morning. It’s a long boring drive, but it’s exciting in its own way. Also, these are some of the only times I really have to blast my music at top volume and sing at the top of my lungs.

I’m a sucker for sunrises and sunsets. They’re so beautiful and romantic. The transition from day to night, and night to day, is a time full of such magical energy and potential.

I’m a total coffee snob. I live on strong coffee, love it, can’t get enough!

On the occasions I have to drink, I prefer red wine or Guinness. I normally limit myself to one or two.

My spiritual life has been rather un-extraordinary lately, and I really miss that.

I still like watching cartoons and playing with Legos. Having kids is like having a second childhood for myself, as I get to do these things all over again, lol!

There are certain spots in Richmond, Indiana, that are forever burned into my memory. Glenn Miller Park, and the Whitewater Gorge.

I’m a dork, and I’m ok with that.

I have three manifestations of the Divine that I specifically honor. I was chosen by Herne and Freyja, and I also chose Brighid.

I check myself out in the mirror, and I think I’m pretty hot. I’d hit that. LOL!

When I close my eyes there is only one person’s face there, and when I wake up in the mornings, one person who I always think of first.

I have a hard time accepting compliments, because I’m not used to them. I can be very hard on myself sometimes.

I believe in fairy tales, and that dreams can come true. I believe all we have to do to have those, is to grab onto them when we see them. And I believe we know when we see them.

I often walk barefoot in the snow.

My feet aren’t ticklish, unless I really really like you.

Despite how often I want to give up, I never really truly lose hope. Hope is what keeps me going.

I love nature. This one should be obvious, but. FOR REAL. I’m happiest when I’m outside.

I believe that while people change, there is a core person in all of us, our soul maybe, or what have you, that never changes, and this is the level we truly connect with people on.

Ever since last November, I have a very soft spot in my heart for elevators. Anytime I get in an elevator, I have the cheesiest grin on my face.

My last birthday was the best day of my entire life. Hands down. Waterfalls, love, nature in the upper peninsula. Camping, rivers, standing knee deep in a lake, hiking through hills, stands of lilacs. There’s no way I could ever express how beautiful that day and the preceding days were. But, that was honestly the BEST few days of my life, ever. I believe many more like that could be possible in the future.

I also confess that this post is getting incredibly long!

Wishing you all a wonderful Wednesday, much love to you all!

I have to say that five’o'clock in the morning is definitely early. It’s becoming increasingly more common that I’m “awake” to greet the day at this time of morning. This morning, however, saw my eyes pop open at the earlier hour of four. As early as this is, as tired as I should be, I was indeed wide awake and well rested, the same familiar face the first thing in my mind as has been for the past… almost two years now. First thought upon waking, last thought before drifting into welcoming sleep. Some patterns are just so beautiful.

Why did I wake up so early? Perhaps it has something to do with retiring to bed so early as well. My children, when they are here, go to bed at 8:00pm. I wasn’t far behind.

So here I am, up before sunrise, up before those birds that are supposed to be catching their worms. Not that I can blame them, it’s hard to find worms under several inches of snow. What does one do with this sort of time? I realize some people get up this early almost every day, people have to work all sorts of schedules. I’m not among the employed, so where’s my excuse?

Sure, in another hour, hour and a half, I’ll be waking the kids up, making sure they get dressed and have breakfast, before I take my son to school. I’m taking some time to write here, but… something more.

This morning I’m being called. Called to by something more beautiful than birdsong, on a sense that’s more elusive than hearing. Something beyond sight, touch, taste or smell as well. I feeling, a need, a longing to greet the day. To stand facing east, to welcome the sun, to watch his slow ascent over the horizon, bringing life and color back into the world. Compound this with the humming of approaching spring, and it’s irresistible.

Lyon over at The Wandering Hearth recently made a reference to the television show “30 Days”.  On one of the episodes, the show’s creator goes to live on a Navajo reservation for 30 days, and learns to greet the morning every day.  I’ve always been drawn to and intrigued by Navajo spirituality, ever since I was a kid and read Tony Hillerman’s Navajo police mysteries.  The Beauty Way is … well … beautiful, and really speaks to me.

Something I’ve notice, in Pagan culture, is how often we look over the seas, back to Ireland, Greece, Rome, Egypt, Scandinavia, etc., for our ideals on spirituality.  I don’t have any problem with this, I’ve chose and been chosen by Gods and Goddesses from those cultures.  But we often seem to overlook the earth-born spirituality of the indigenous peoples of our own country.  This, of course, assuming you are in the United States.  We talk about honoring and worshipping nature, but we overlook the people that have been doing just that, in THIS natural environment, for time out of mind.  I often feel frustrated with the Celtic traditions as they pertain to Michigan.  I’m not going to find Rowan or Yew here.  I don’t live in a natural environment that supports that.  Were the Celts the only ones who had a line on the spirituality found in nature?  What about the Chippewa who used to live here.  Who would know better the spirits and practices of living in harmony with nature in the Saginaw Valley of Michigan, then they?  What did they used to practice?  What were their beliefs?  What trees, animals, etc, were sacred to them.  All I’m sure, but in what ways, etc.

I really want to find out more about what used to be (and may still be to some degree) practiced HERE.  Where I live and breathe.  I’m not forsaking other teachings, or giving up other Gods.  But what more meaningful and honest practice than to follow the path of nature in one’s OWN environment.  We brought our Gods and Goddesses to America, and overran the ones that existed here before us.  Wouldn’t it behoove us, as Pagans, to honor those that came before us in our localities?

I’m challenging myself to learn more about this.  To learn the ways of those that lived here before.  I adore the Navajo way, I love its teachings.  Now I want to find out more of the Chippewa.

I hope everybody’s mornings are filled with sunshine and positivity!

I’m writing this morning curled up with my new netbook, wrapped in a warm blanket coated cuddle puddle with the kids on the couch.  Sid the Science Kid is on the television, and to the east, the sun is starting to rise, gradually bathing the neighborhood in increasing color and light.  I love being up for sunrise.  I don’t necessarily like being woke up so early, and I probably could have used more sleep, but… I’m up, and I get to see the sunrise.  Bonus.

I took a little time this morning to step outside and greet the morning, right as the morning started lightening.  Not the brilliant golds, pinks, purples and dark blues of the sun cresting the horizon, but the gradual light of dawn beginning.  In a way, that time of morning reminds me of Imbolc, which is fast approaching.  The night is ending, and showing the first faint signs of morning.  Drawing a parallel between winter/spring and the dawn.  Random musing far too early, lol, don’t mind me.  I haven’t had any coffee yet.  ;)

As I mentioned, I have a new netbook.  I recently got paid for a website I had been working on for a while now, and since my old laptop was about 5 minutes from dying completely, I decided I needed something new.  It was a tough decision, as I could definitely be using the money for more bills.  However, as a person whose job skills entail web development and computer programming, it’s NECESSARY for me to have a computer.  I ended up going with a netbook, as it’s affordable and… well… they’re just so darned CUTE!  *huggles his netbook up*  Whoosa cute little netbook?  You are!  Yes you are!  LOL   Seriously though, this thing is doing much better than my old laptop, and I’m already used to the smaller screen and keyboard.  I’m very happy about this purchase.

All the running and visiting and whatnot of the past week was nice, I enjoyed myself, but I am definitely ready now for some serious relaxing.  *glances over at the kids who are no longer chilling, but are wiggling, hitting each other with toy frogs and laughing*  …. One of these days anyways.

Going to wrap this up and make us all breakfast.  Good morning to you all.  Sorry for the rambly, carry on.  ;)

Happy Tuesday everybody!  *throws confetti and blows a noisemaker!*

In an ongoing effort to exercise my writing, as some of you may have noticed, I’ve been taking the time to write in this humble blog-o-mine a bit more frequently.  I’m enjoying it quite a bit actually, and it’s giving me a small sense of accomplishment that I’ve been lacking these past few months.  Small victories are better than none at all, I say.  Today, I really have nothing of earth-shaking importance to report, no divinely inspired manifesto to impart, and little in the way of even a witty cliche to relate.  But you know… that’s life.  =D

Been a good couple days for me, I’m riding a pretty good positive more and more, finding comfort and joy in the little things, and watching the rest of my life move forward more positively as a result.   Yesterday evening, I drove the kids back to their mother’s, shoveled their driveway, and then sat down with the ex-wife to draw up an agreement to get the amount I have to pay in child-support reduced.   The bonus is, since we were able to come to a mutual agreement on our own, there is no filing fee involved in changing the court order, as the Friend of the Court can handle the filing on their end.  About time they’re doing something positive for me!

After that, I decided to take myself out for a while, treat myself to some me time away from the house.  I had received a gift card to Barnes & Noble for the holidays, and an evening of perusing books and sipping on a Java Chip Frappucino from the obligatory in-store Starbuck sounded like heaven on earth.  So that is exactly what I did!  It was good to get out and do that, even if it didn’t last nearly as long as I thought it would.  The local Barnes & Noble didn’t have much in the way of what I was looking for, little in the way of books I was willing to take a chance on, and overpriced on anything I COULD find.  I eventually narrowed the choices down to an O’Reilly book on programming in Java,  ”You Are Here” by Thich Nhat Hanh, and The Legacy of the Divine Tarot.  I had been drooling over that tarot set since before it came out, had initially felt a strong connection to the images, and then as time progressed, lost that.  I had decided a while back I wasn’t going to bother buying it.  Then I saw it in the store, and the box could be opened.  I opened it up, held the cellophane wrapped cards in my hands, looked at the image showing, and promptly changed my mind.  So I am now the proud owner of this beautiful deck.

I took the time last night, to connect to the deck, put my print on it, and charge it with intent, focus, and finally, a question.  I did a general reading of where I am standing right now, using a Celtic Cross spread, and couldn’t have been more happy with the results.  One of my favorite things in this deck, is the Heirophant has been replaced with “Faith”, a card that shows leaders of 4 major world religions, all praying or meditating while facing a central golden, shining light.  It really seems to deepen and expand the meaning of this card, and speaks to me of the meaning behind the card a lot clearer than the traditional Heirophant imagery ever did.  The deck also comes with a comprehensive 352 page book, with about 2 pages dedicated to each and every card, with comments from the artist, as well as the impressions of other tarot professionals and artists.  I don’t know that this deck will ever be able to replace my Fey Tarot, which is now well worn and beloved, but it is probably going to be first in the bullpen, if you know what I mean.  =)

Busy day today, and I probably won’t be around much.  I have a lot to accomplish, and am even heading down to Lansing later for dinner with a friend, at one of the most amazing Indian restaurants ever, in terms of taste.  In terms of service, not so much.  However, this has become part of the charm of the place for me, as it gives one time to sit and chat and catch up.  If you’re ever in the Lansing area, and are looking for, or want to try, amazing Indian cuisine, then please look up “Sindhu”.

Ta for now everybody, hope your days are full of blessings, both big and small.

I’ve been hearing a lot about the topic of readiness lately in my travels through life, specifically, about the lack of readiness. I’ve been hearing it from a lot of people, about a lot of situations. It seems I can’t turn around any more without hearing somebody say, “I’m just not ready yet” or “I really wasn’t ready at the time”. I know I’ve uttered those same sentiments more times than I could possibly even begin to count. You hear people say, “I was BORN ready!”… well … not me. I was born always looking for the most opportune time to act, wanting to BE ready, but never quite managing. Despite that, that sure hasn’t stopped the wheel from turning out surprises for me, ready or not.

One of the scariest things to face, in terms of readiness, is the prospect of children. I don’t know that ANYBODY is ever truly ready to become a parent. There is really no way one can determine the readiness for this monumental step in life, as there is really nothing else that can come close to this situation in terms of prior experience. I don’t care if you were a day care provider, foster parent, or raised your brothers and sisters almost singlehandedly due to some tragedy or neglect on the part of your own parents. Nothing can ever truly prepare you for what it’s like to help create a life, and then be responsible for caring, nurturing and loving that life. There is no prior experience that is going to match that.

I knew that I always wanted to have kids. Whether it was because of the masculine urge to further my bloodline, or my nesting urge to be part of a family of my own, or what, I just knew that someday, I’d like to have kids. I wasn’t ready for my first one. In fact, at the time, I was looking for a way out of my marriage. I knew I wasn’t happy, I knew it was over, and I had decided to ask for a divorce. On the day I decided that, I went home to do the hard thing and admit it. My wife had big news too. She was pregnant. Wow. Timing. We could make it work though, and having a kid would help. *rolls eyes* I won’t get into all of that. The point is, for that point in my life, I was definitely not ready to have kids.

Fast forward two more years. Wife and I were still together, we had somehow managed to raise our son to the ripe old age of 2 and a half. Things were looking up. We were getting along a bit better, getting comfortable in our roles as parents. There was a lot wrong there, that again I’m not going to get into, as it’s not relevant to this topic. But. It was Christmas. We knew something was up. Pregnancy test. Pregnant. Merry Christmas! This time, we approached the news with a lot more joy and cheer. We hadn’t been planning a child, we really weren’t ready. But here one was coming, and we were happy to be blessed with one. Wouldn’t say we were READY though.

See, both times I’d been greeted with the news from her, both were times in our life of some of the greatest suffering. I would lose my job after the news of an impending child, about 2 months afterwards. She would then lose her job, or be unable to continue working. We would be sitting there with no income, no health insurance, barely managing to scrape bills together, personal issues between us still growing and whatnot (though that wasn’t as clear at the time), and … here we were, about to bring CHILDREN into that. We weren’t ready.

Would I go back and change all that? I really don’t think so. Despite not being ready for either of my children, since they’ve been in my life, I wouldn’t really trade them for anything. To this day, I still don’t feel like I’m ready to be a father, at least not a good one. But, it didn’t matter if I was ready, or not. It happened, and I was thrust into it. So I try to be the best damn father I CAN be, and am always trying to be better, because… ready or not, I’m living it.

The same holds true with when my wife and I finally did split. I wasn’t ready or even really looking that hard to get out, though I understand now to a degree I was. I was still involved in actively trying to hold us together. I knew I was unhappy, I knew I would have rather been alone, but … we had kids together, we were married, we took vows, and I wasn’t ready to face the cold hard reality that we were done. Had been for quite some time. I wasn’t ready to put the work into saying goodbye, and walking away. And I sure as hell wasn’t ready for somebody new to enter my life, somebody that would turn out to be my truest soulmate in every sense of the word, and the woman I had always been searching for. Not ready at all. Timing. Ugh. When I realized that’s exactly what had happened though, I panicked. HARD. I had a complete and utter breakdown on the spot, and I wasn’t quite right for a long time afterwards. Some days I still feel the ripples of that day.

I think we can spend a lot of time in our lives helping ourselves out by becoming more ready to face the challenges in front of us. I think that’s a good, and responsible attitude. If somebody doesn’t WANT children, for example, then there are options available to avoid conception in the first place. And there are options available that I may or may not agree with in all cases, to end an unexpected one. But despite that, sometimes, the Gods don’t give a SHIT whether we’re ready or not, don’t care about the precautions we take, and things happen anyways. I take some small comfort in that. I may not feel ready for whatever life throws my way, but the Gods have enough faith in me to decide I AM ready, or they wouldn’t throw things my way in the first place. Sometimes they decide that I’m ready, despite all the evidence to the contrary. It’s like a giant game of hide and seek. Ready or not, here it comes.

I don’t think that life works in such a way that we’re only able to tackle things when we’re ready. Without a prior experience, you’ll never know if you are truly ready or not. How can one EVER be ready for the unknown? Being ready is all about preparing, of making sure that all your bases are covered, dotting all your i’s and crossing all you t’s, revising, rough draft/final draft, and all that. But when dealing with an unknown, you can’t be. Readiness is reading the strategy guide cover to cover, memorizing the instructions, and maybe even picking up a couple of cheat codes, before playing the game. Life is being thrown into the game with no strategy guide, no instruction manual, one life, and no save points.

When the Gods give me something I don’t feel I am ready for, my first instinct is to fight. Fight the situation, fight the Gods, fight to stand stock-stubborn still and wait until I AM ready. The thing is though, there are times when I don’t know that I’ll EVER be ready for what is being thrown my way. And through time, I’ve learned to fight less, and go with the flow more. So what if I’m not ready? It’s HERE, it’s NOW. It’s happening, and there’s no stopping it. It’s been decided that I have something in my life to face, ready or not. The only thing I can do at that point is soldier bravely on, and do my best. Maybe that means sucking it up and being the best dad I can be, no matter how much I’d rather be trotting across the globe, waking up in strange and exotic ports every day, or partying with the guys. Maybe it means having to face some of the hardest and most painful things I’ve ever had to do, not just to others, but for myself included. Maybe it means opening myself up to somebody else, before I’ve fully let go of who was there before. To me, it means acknowledging what is in my path, and accepting it for what it is. Ready or not, it’s here, and I’m at least ready to give it all my full self.

I see life like this, and to me, it goes hand in hand with what I’ve been led to understand is one of the keys of Paganism. We talk of turning the wheel. Of being TRUE witches. Of not only taking the time to mark the sabbats, working intent when needed. But also, of doing the hard parts. The daily chores. The parts that are less than savory, less than glamorous, the cold, hard, thankless parts that hurt us and take their toll. To quote a favorite series of mine, The wheel weaves as the wheel wills. Pagan life doesn’t only happen on a full moon, or a sabbat, or when we’re looking for it, or those rare numinous times where Deity directly touches us. It happens every day, in a thousand little ways. The wheel turns, with or without us, and it’s up to us to at least be ready to DEAL with what the wheel spits out at us, even if we’re not ready for whatever that may be. To me, Paganism has spoke to me so strongly, because we stand ready to deal with whatever that is, come what may, with strength, conviction, and willing to give the best of ourselves to that. Paganism is not a path of excuses, of doubt, of hiding or running. Paganism is a path of action, empathy, and choices. Of making choices, decisions, and dealing with the consequences. Ready or not. And always giving our BEST.

Are you ready?

So, it’s officially Christmas. Yes, I was brought up celebrating Christmas, and I love it. Having a bit of a hard one this year though. It’s … lonely. The kids aren’t here. Year 2 where official “Santa” Christmas is with their mom. This year, there is no … company for the overnight, to wake up next to, greeting Christmas morning with green eyes that are more beautiful than the most resplendent tree, no matter how beautifully decorate with silver and gold. Basically, I’m feeling very sorry for myself. If I can’t vent on my blog… where can I vent? So… I’m just, venting.

There’s been some positive today, and there will be positive tomorrow. But right now, my heart is far, far too heavy, and I’m embracing the moment to feel. The most amazing thing today was driving home from my family’s (much much subdued this year) Christmas celebration, and spotting a herd of about 20 deer in a snow covered field, bathed in moonlight. Yet… for some reason, that really brought the emotions crashing down hard on me… as if Herne reached out, showed me his peace, and then at the same time, said “FEEL Damnit!” So… I’m feeling. And it hurts. I’ve been watching a “The Office” marathon, and alternating between fits of dozing and wakefulness. Now I’m awake again, and felt the need to post, to pour out, to purge. I had fragments of a poem drifting through my head as well. Which I’ll post below.

In the meantime, I DO wish you all a Merry Christmas, and I hope to not bring anybody else down, but to allow myself to acknowledge myself in all of this, and to get the yuck out, to let the yay in. So… good night my friends, and blessed be you all, and blessings unto you, and a merry merry holiday to you all, all faiths and paths, all walks of life. May you find yourselves surrounded by loved ones and family, and able to truly count your every blessing. Gods rest ye merry gentles. Good night.

Lying awake, scrunched up into a tiny ball,
huddled under a blanket of blue worn fleece,
staring at the ceiling, my favorite fairy tale
playing on the television, reminding
me of my own hopes and dreams,
no stockings hung up by the fireplace,
no tree adorned with lights and ornaments,
no presents under the tree, waiting
expectantly to be torn open,
no tiny faces in the next room
with eyes squinched tight waiting for Santa Claus,
no visions of sugar plums,
heart and hearth sit forlorn and empty,
and the fairy tale plays on from the screen,
bathing me in a bluish glow, playing
parallel to my life, tears causing
the bright colorful lights of the neighboring houses
to shimmer and dance,
my own substitute for tinsel,
the furnace blowing is a poor replacement
for the breath of a loved one in my ear,
the blanket mimics the heat of a body next to mine,
the laundry piled to the side,
a shabby excuse for a tree,
covered in stained ornaments of tomato and gravy.
Tomorrow is a new day, and eventually
the holiday will pick up speed,
and I will not be so alone,
but tonight, … tonight…
it is a Christmas, alone with my fairy tale,
and missing the most precious miracles.

Ok, damnit, this is important to me. I’m not going to leave the last post by itself. I was going to do yoga this morning, and waken up my body, try to find peace and serenity to face the day with. But I can’t just go into today, without finding something to be grateful for. I’m more positive than that. Time to do a little “yoga of the soul” I guess, and stretch out and really reach for that, and breathe into it, and feel myself awakening. I’m sure I have things I’m grateful for, even if on the outside, I don’t seem to have much of anything.

I am grateful for my children, who, even though they are a pain in my ass, and often cause me to feel like the world’s worst parent, still love me despite all my shortcomings. They count on me, they depend on me, they need me, and I am grateful for their unwavering trust and love.

I am grateful for my family. Even though they set my teeth on edge, and as the years go on, I find I have less and less in common with them, they’re my family. They’ve been there for me no matter what. Even when I’ve gone against everything they think I should do, have made mistakes, have lashed out at them, they’ve always been on my side. They haven’t always agreed, but they have accepted that I’m able to make my own choices, and stood by me when I made them. The more I look out at others, the more I realize how rare that really is. So I’m thankful for that.

I’m grateful for Lyon, even though we’re not at a place right now where I can have the parts of her that really make me the happiest. I’m still thankful that she is in my life, as a friend, as a confidant. I’m thankful for her in so many ways. I’m thankful she showed me what love really is, and I’m thankful we got to experience that, even if the time was far too short. I’m thankful for the love I still feel for her, and the love she still feels for me, even if we can’t embrace it now, even if we can’t ever again, I’m blessed to have seen what it was. There’s not enough time in the universe to fully experience that, so I should consider myself lucky to have experienced it for any time at all. Even if I can’t have it right now, my life is more full and meaningful for having got to at all.

I’m thankful for hope. Without it, I’d have given up and stopped living long before now. Hope that things will get better. That every cloud has a silver lining. That at the end of the rainbow is a pot of gold, and that along the paths through life things will someday work out for the best. Hope that no matter how dark things get, that there will be light again.

I’m thankful that I took the time to do this. I’m thankful that even though everything in my life has gone pretty much the opposite of what I’ve wanted, that everything dear to me seems to be slipping through my fingers, that even though I don’t have a job, money, a partner, security or comfort, that I’m still able to look at life and see the positive, even if it does take some work most days. Maybe that’s what this is all about. Maybe only after I have everything taken away from me, can I truly appreciate what comes next. After everything is gone, even the smallest things are miraculous and full of blessings, and imagine what that does for the big things.

I’m thankful that I have friends to talk to, even if it’s all in the virtual world as it were. I don’t think I could have gotten here alone. I love you all.

There, that wasn’t so hard. Have a happy Thanksgiving.

It has been a pretty hectic day for me here, and I’m not going to get into all of it. Children, love, a blinding headache, heartburn, etc. Today though, is moving day. Not for me. My ex-wife is moving today, into a house with her new flame. You know, the guy that can make her happy where I couldn’t. I’m having a really hard time with this, I’m finding. Yes, even after all the water under the bridge, yes, even after all the acceptance, yes, even though I still agree that our divorcing was necessary. It’s still hard.

Sometimes I feel like, just because I’ve found so much acceptance, that others feel like maybe I don’t get this way still, like maybe I’m just some cold, heartless automaton. Well… I’m not. I still feel the pain. There are days that are still hard. Sometimes that sadness creeps up and sinks it’s fangs into my heart, and I’m left with little choice but to grieve. To feel the sadness again, to relive it all one more time. It’s probably not the last time either. But life moves on, and so… I do my best to move with it.

So yes. It still hurts. But that’s ok. It’s supposed to. I loved her for several years of my life, and I still love her in my own way. It’s another nail in the coffin of us. Another milestone on the road leading away from our marriage, another signpost that reads: “FAIL”. It’s an uncomfortable reminder of what we used to have, and a reminder of why it couldn’t work. It’s a reminder that I do still love her, even if I fell out of love with her long ago, and that’s hard. No it doesn’t mean I wish we were back together, but it IS a headfuck. Today it’s exceptionally hard, because I’m still grasping for the future I saw when I walked away, and I feel further away from it than ever. It doesn’t change why I left, but it sure leaves me wanting someone to hold on to, to hold me back, to love me, to tell me everything is going to be ok. I need some smiles back in my life, some focus on the positive. Today is not one of those days that I’m going to get that. Maybe not even tomorrow. Maybe not in this lifetime. I really don’t know. All I know today, is that I’m in pain, and I’m all alone.

They came by, the parked their vehicle, and I realized they had gone to the back. I had brought the rest of the stuff she still had stored here down to the front. So I went out on to the front porch, and peered around the side of the house to let them know. They were pressed so close together, looking so warm and in love. It shouldn’t, but it hurts. I’m so happy they get to move on and live a new life. I am. They’re very lucky. I know it’s still hard for her sometimes, we do talk, and it comes out from time to time. But they’re getting to move on, to grab onto the future, to start something new, with each other. I’m not jealous of their love, I’m jealous that they’re doing what I wish I was.

The house does however, feel better now. A few more ghosts have been exorcised, and I have more closet space now. Gotta look at the positive right? She’s better off now too, she’s got a bit more financial help, and I don’t feel so responsible for her financial wellbeing. She’s getting her shot to find happiness with someone, and that’s one of the things I really wanted for her … to find someone that could make her happy, that excited her own spark and fire, that deep undying one that I never could. The one that you can’t help but feel everytime, that shines out without effort just by being close. I’m glad she’s found it. I’m still hurting, I’m still sad, but…. at the same time…. it’s time to look to the future, and it’s one I hoped she’d find, and… good. It’s the future she always wanted, and she’s found someone who can bring that to her. This is where I’m glad to be man enough to stand aside and quiet myself, and not impede that. This is where I’m glad that I did what I did, even if it does hurt. This is where I’m glad, that I’m free to find my own future now as well. The fear don’t stop that, the pain doesn’t stop that, the sadness doesn’t stop that … though it does fuck with me. This is where I breathe…. relax, and let go.

There will always be time to acknowledge the pain and the sadness, to take the time to listen to my grief, and there will always be time to embrace the positive and happy in my life as well. If I ever get to where I want to be, that’s something I’m sure my mate will understand. That even though I’m devoted to her, that there is still pain and grief and sadness left in this. Most days are good, some days are bad. Less and less bad the more water under the bridge, but still there and surprising sometimes in their intensity. But it’s those days where there’s so much love and affection and happiness with who I’ve found, my flame, that make it all worthwhile. I still got a lot of work to do on me. And that’s ok. I still have a lot of pain left to feel. And that’s ok. And there’s a whole lot of life left to live and sink my teeth into, a whole lot of joy left to be found. And that’s ok. The sadness helps me realize how happy the happy times are, and the happiness helpes me realize the depths of my sadness. It all just IS. This is my life. Unemployed, single, penniless, with more responsibility than I can handle and maintain my sanity, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. This is ME. And I love being me.

I sit here on this crisp, cold November morning, warm and sound at my kitchen table, a small french press of freshly ground Sumatra at hand, and my daughter in the other room watching Curious George. I’ve dropped my son off at school, and am glad to be back in the house. The grass, leaves, and roofs of the surrounding structures in the neighborhood are all a-glitter, frost covering them and transforming them into brittle little sculptures. I still haven’t gotten the inflatable pool from the summer completely cleared of water, and there is now a thin layer of ice on top. I’m enjoying watching sparrows fly up and land on the butterfly bush outside my kitchen window, with smoke curling out of the chimney of the neighbors behind me. It’s … a peaceful sort of morning.

I’ve been finding myself seriously blocked lately. Standing in my own way. I have these grand ambitions of cleaning my house, going through boxes that have been sitting here this past … almost a year now, wow … and throwing away things that I don’t need anymore. Of vacuuming, dusting, washing down walls, mopping, and saging the hell out of everything. Really cleansing, and erasing the memories and ghosts from these walls, releasing the old energy to make room for the new. Dishes need doing, kids clothes needs to be gone through and the small stuff bagged up for friends and charity. The lawn needs one last mowing and the leaves need raking, and my compost pile still needs to come to fruition, if I’m going to have new soil for the spring. My resume needs updating, and posting, and printing, and I need to be tracking down job leads. I have a lot on my plate, and I know all this needs to get done, and … every time I go to do it, I just end up staring at it, and turning right back around, and sitting back down.

I feel really ineffective right now. Real hopeless. The thing is, as long as I’m thinking this… I’m right. I’m caught in a paradox. I have to be able try to care, but I have to be able to care to try. Which comes first? I see this, I know this. I know all it takes is a little effort in the face of this malaise, to be able to start to overcome it. I want to overcome it. And I can’t seem to bring myself to. I’m suffering some serious blockage here, and it’s starting to worry me. Even with this worry, I sit here, and pull the blankets over my head, as if that makes it less real somehow.

What do YOU do to get through times like this, and get moving again? I need some advice on this one, and so I turn to you, dear friends. I’d love to hear your thoughts.