old man sutton

The adventures through life and spirit of a single father, lover and man.

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been over a whole MONTH since last I posted!  I keep meaning to tackle part 2 of my previous post, but everytime I sit down to do so I’m just not quite sure where to start.  This is the problem with an eclectic and evolving path, it keeps changing.  I’m currently exploring Buddhism more in depth, and am experiencing even more positive growth in my spiritual life.  I’ll get my thoughts in order eventually and tackle that subject, but right now I just want to actually POST something.  Write a little.

Life has been, well… life.  There’s been some positives on the road lately, and some negatives.  Good times and bad.  My financial situation has brightened a bit lately, I’ve dealt with a car dying on the side of the highway at 2am, and the subsequent transmission repairs, and the kids continue to grow like weeds.  Speaking of growing things, for those that don’t follow along with me on Facebook, I’m in the middle of tackling my vegetable garden for the first time ever!  I’ve gotten a 8′ x 12′ plot of land turned over, and would be building the beds and planting today if it weren’t so cold and rainy.  I’m planning on growing tomatoes, green beans, green peppers, romaine lettuce, spinach, broccoli, zucchini, summer squash, carrots and strawberries.  If there’s room left over (and there should be) I also plan on planting some herbs, most notably white sage.  I’m kind of at a loss what as to what herbs I should plant, as I don’t frequently USE herbs.  Suggestions anyone?

The job search continues, with little success.

I’ve been terrible not only about writing in my blog, but also with READING blogs.  My apologies to everyone, I’m not intending to slight anybody.  I’m spending more and more time focusing on my immediate surroundings, and just can’t seem to summon up enough time or energy to get around to all the reading I was doing.

I’ve been continuing my yoga practice, and let me tell you… the benefits to mind and soul aside, yoga is amazing for losing weight and sculpting and toning muscles.  I’ve never felt so sexy!  LOL

Last night I attended an open house for where my son will be going to school next year.  He’ll be entering Kindergarten, and the school where he’ll be going has four Kindergarten classes, all in their own building.  I got to meet all four of his potential teachers (teacher/student assignments have not been done yet), and while I liked them all, I’m really hoping he gets the first teacher we met with.  When he would ask questions of the teacher, she would in turn encourage him to figure out the answers, where the other teachers would just tell him.  I really love how she handled and encouraged his curiousity, so I got my fingers crossed on that one.

My daughter continues to grow up, and she’s absolutely adorable.  She has the squeakiest little voice, and is always in an amazing mood.  Sure, as she’s growing, she’s hit the stage where she’s trying crying to get her way on things, but I learned that lesson the hard way with my son.  Throw your tantrum, come talk to me when you’re done, I’m not playing that game, lol.

Today, I think since the weather won’t be cooperating, it’ll be a nice, calm, long day of cleaning as I go, and enjoying life.  There’s definitely a benefit of being able to look and find a positive in any negative, and in appreciating the little things.  That benefit has me smiling as I sip my coffee on this cold and rainy day, and I do so love to smile.

Ok, so I’ve been seeing a sentiment crop up more and more lately, that has really been setting my teeth on edge.  The sentiment goes as such:  ”The passion and fire in a relationship, that IN-LOVE feeling is something that will always fade the longer you are in the relationship.  This is just something that we can make ourselves feel for anyone.  What’s more important is just having love, and not being able to picture being apart.”

Ok, I’ll agree that love itself is very important to a relationship.  But being afraid to be apart?  That’s not healthy.  Wanting to be close is fine, but being afraid to be apart is not.  It’s more than possible to be and STAY in love with somebody even over a distance or time.  And I am absolutely livid about this sentiment towards BEING IN LOVE being something that will always fade over time.  There are many couples out there, who even 50 years later, are still looking at each other with such a fire and passion as to make one want to look away out of respect.  The statement that it DOESN’T exist says to somebody, “I can’t possibly be expected to be passionate and in love with you for the long haul.  You’re not THAT great.  But look, I can pretend to be, and that’s just as good!”

What the fuck is that?  This sentiment seems to be used by people who DON’T have that passion for somebody, but are too scared to acknowledge what that really means about their relationship.  Yes, RELATIONSHIPS take work.  The only time being IN LOVE takes work, is when that passion isn’t there.  Without passion, what do you have left besides a comfort-zone and a co-dependent attachment?  If you really believe that, what does that say about the person you are in a relationship with?  If you aren’t that passionate about someone, why even bother?  And how dare you say that to someone you love.  Look what you’re telling them.  ”You aren’t something I can stay passionate about.”  You’re effectively tearing that person down, and that is NOT an act of love.

What does that do to their sense of self worth?  What does it to do yours when directed at you?

What is it besides your own projected fear that you’re not good enough to ever find it for yourself, or that you don’t even possibly deserve it.

I think it’s a sentiment that’s thrown around by people who have never found somebody they ARE that passionate about, and are scared they never will.  And that’s just sad.

What you’re left with, without that flame, without that passion, is nothing more than an unhealthy attachment.  There may still be love there.  There probably will be.  The human capacity for love can extend to ALL people.  This is the danger of attachment.  Love and attachment to a person are a recipe for misery.  But what then, is being IN-LOVE, if not another form of attachment?  I hold that there are healthy, and unhealthy forms of attachment.  Being attached to something that fills your being, fans the flames, stirs your passion, makes you smile, puts a spring in your step, what have you … these are positive frames of mind, a state of being present, of being nurturing to ourselves, and we should all strive to seek out and grab on to those things in our life that reflect that.  To hold on to the positive.  This is more about affirmation, than attachment.  Being attached to something because of fear, afraid to let go, because you don’t know what you would do otherwise…. this is unhealthy.  It’s fear, pure and simple.  And it’s an attachment that the sentiment above propagates.

It’s a sentiment that is used to prolong attachments to our fears.   When somebody tells us, “You’re not that good, maybe this is the best you can expect” … well, words do have power, especially if we’re already struggling with out sense of self-worth.  It’s a dangerous sentiment, because it is FAR more common to find people who our passion fades for, it’s far more common that we have a low sense of self-esteem to begin with, than it is to believe in ourselves or to find those rare ones who our passion grows for.  Who everytime we’re together we see and feel that bond and stand in amazement, unable to control the flow of positive emotions that demand we continue to grow that.  We should want to draw closer out of a sense of passion and celebration, not out of a fear of losing.  It’s dangerous, because it gives us an excuse to stay chained to fear and low sense of self-worth.

For me, I’ll hold out for, “I DO feel that passion for you, it grows every day, and we magnify that in each other.”

For me, that’s the kind of relationship that’s going to be worth having.  Mutually shared passion, that feeds and grows and magnifies each other.  I’ve tried the other kind.  It doesn’t keep me happy for long.  If I’m not somebody my mate can remain passionate about, then what does that say about how they view me?  And what does that do my own self-esteem?

If I should always believe in myself, if I should love myself, how can I settle for anything less than somebody who believes and loves me that deeply as well?

And if I found that with somebody, how can the sentiment of fear and attachment masquerading as “good enough” ever really be good enough?

That’s the way I see it anyways.  I like my way better.  It speaks more true to my heart.  Settle for nothing but the best.  I could be happy for a while without that, but it really wouldn’t be living to my full potential.

In other news, I took the kids to a play date at my friend’s house yesterday.  Her daughter and the kids played for several hours, and they all had a really good time.  I got to catch up with her, and just hang out and talk, and so I had a good time as well.  It’s nice to have some actual interaction with another adult from time to time.  I love my kids to pieces, but they only manage to fill part of what I need out of life.  Simple conversation with another adult is something they can’t pull off (yet).

Tonight we’re going to have dinner at my parents’ house.  They know how badly I’m hurting in the wallet right now, so my mom offered to pick us all up after she gets out of work, and help our diminished grocery bill by providing dinner tonight.  So that’ll be nice.  I do confess that I’m often kind of bored at their house, as there’s little for me to do over there, but on the other hand, it’s good to get out of THIS house every once in a while.  Something I’ve been doing a lot more lately.

Saturday at noon I’m going to my friend Tim’s house, and we’re going to do yoga.  That should be fun!

Still, with the recent rise in hanging out and spending time with others, ultimately the responsibility for getting out of the house and living my life beyond these walls lies with me, whether there is somebody to do that with or not.  This is why I have been spending so much more time going for walks in the woods.  I don’t NEED somebody else to be able to live my life.  I’m fully capable of doing it on my own.  Yes, it’s more fun to share that with friends, family, a lover, what have you.  But at the end of the day, the responsibility to do so ALWAYS lies with me.  It’s my responsibility to make those wonderful things in my life happen, and they WON’T if I’m too afraid to grab onto them.  It’s my responsibility to get out and take care of myself, to live my life.  It’s my responsibility to make friends to share it with.  It’s my responsibility to take the initiative to call them up.  I’ve always been one who will wait for others to ask me.  I’m learning to have the balls to take that responsibility on myself more.  It’s a two way street, and after neglecting my part in friendships for so long, it’s up to ME to bridge those gaps, and make those calls.  That’s the part of relationships that takes work.

So that’s how things are looking right now.  Over the past two years, now, or in the future, I haven’t been, and won’t accept anything but the REAL DEAL as far as love and in-love goes, I’m not going to be drawn into anything because somebody else doesn’t know what the real thing actually feels like.  I’m not going to stay somewhere because I’m afraid to jump.  I’m not going to accept that nobody could possibly breathe passion with me even after we’re familiar with each other.  I deserve better than that.  And if I’m in a relationship, the person I’m with deserves that as well.  I mean, that was the whole POINT of getting this divorce in the first place.  Jamie and I both deserved better.  If you don’t have that passion for someone, then you really aren’t going to be able to just “fake it ’til you make it.”  We all deserve the real deal.  Every single one of us.  And most of all I deserve to believe in myself enough to accept nothing less than that.  That held true when I left Jamie, and it holds just as true today.

Ok, I’d really like to thank my friends for being there for me.  After 2 hours of steady sobbing, I’m feeling a lot more calm and balanced, and I had a really great friend to talk through some of this with.  I really DID want to share more about my trip to the forest with the kids, so I’m back now to give it the full attention it so richly deserves.

After reading so many people talking today about how beautiful it was outside, I was determined to get out there and enjoy it.  It really dried up out there quite a bit from yesterday, so we went outside, and got the wagon cleaned up from its lonely winter in the elements.  We brought along some juice, and the camera, and I proceeded to walk the … *thinks* … 10-11 blocks to the woods.  That alone took a lot of effort.  Spent a lot of the trip trying to prepare the kids for proper woodland behavior, ie., if you want to see animals, we have to be VERY QUIET!  Quieter!  No, quiet!  Shush!  *sighs*  You know… that old chestnut.

We got there, and for once the place was actually open.  I usually go after it closes, which leaves me free to enjoy it without the presence of other human beings around.  We stopped at the office and made sure to check with the DNR that it would be ok to take a wagon onto the trails.  She assured us it was, though we’d probably find it was really muddy out there.  Well, yes, but I’d already determined which trails were wagon-traversable last night.  So off we went.  In retrospect, I wish we would have found someplace safe to stash the wagon, though it did come in handy in a couple wet spots.

So off we went on the trails, and even if the kids could have been quiet (they couldn’t), the wagon rolling over dead leaves was NOT quiet.  At all.  Erin was pretty mellow about the whole ordeal, but at least she was quiet.  Milo was super excited, and so of course, couldn’t contain himself.  He got to learn all sorts of neat things, like what oak leaves look like, what a birch tree looks like, boys can pee anywhere they want easily in the woods, etc.  Hehe.  At one point, we stopped at a bench, because daddy needed a break from pulling a wagon over soft, rough terrain.  Milo had elected to walk, and I let him as long as the ground wasn’t too wet, but it was still heavy going pulling that thing.  Anyways, we’re stopped at a bench, and there’s a bug on my hooded sweatshirt.  I tried to blow it off (not like that) and Milo says, “No, don’t do that daddy, I want to look at it!”  I obliged him, and he tell’s me, “It’s a baby fly!  How fascinating!”  LOL!  His phrasing cracks me up sometimes.  Such a great vocabulary for 5 years old.

Anyways, he then informs me he has to poop.  By my estimate, we’re about 2 and a half miles from home at this point, and have no toilet paper with us.  Great!  I advise him to hold it, and cut our trip short, taking the main loop out.  Through this whole time, we haven’t seen a single animal, and they’re getting louder and louder.  I kind of began losing my temper and told them there was no way we were EVER going to see any animals as long as they kept asking me every 30 seconds.  Trying to explain that this wasn’t the zoo, it was the wild, and the animals are scared of lots of noise.  Felt really bad about it, because… they’re just kids, and I’m trying to instill in them a love of the outdoors, not yell at them.  So, felt pretty hangdog over that on the way out.

Then on top of that, the day was perfect.  The smells of sunshine and heat and moisture evaporating, dead leaves, grass greening up, pools of water that have yet to stagnate, warm breezes…. the kind of days I live for.  And for some reason, this just kept making me tear up on our way out.  Knowing how perfect the day was.  Well.  Almost perfect.  It was definitely missing just one more thing to really classify as perfect, and I could feel that absence like a lead weight on my heart.  That’s where I really started falling apart today.

Anyways, we managed to stop at a huge gathering of frawrgs (frogs) on the way out.  SO MANY FRAWRGS!  These weren’t the kind that go “Meep-Meep” either… but the really full throated bullfrogs, tons of them, all singing at the top of their lungs.  It was LOUD.  We managed to see one swimming around, but for the most part, they all stayed well hidden, and despite the kids insistance they should be able to go down and look for them, we let them STAY hidden.  Daddy can be so unfair.

After that, a long, long, long walk back home.  My thighs, they hurts.  My hands, they are developing calluses.  My feet are SORE.  But really, a worthwhile trip, and I’m glad we got to do it.  It was really close to perfect for me, and the KIDS thought it was great, so I guess that’s good enough for me today.

I had a post lined up about how I took my kids to the woods today.  Was going to go all into detail and stuff, but I’m unaccountably bawling and am having a hard time even … whatever.  I can barely even hold it together right now.  I think this hurts more and gets harder every passing day.  Stuff.  I don’t want to do this anymore.

So here’s the pictures instead.

It’s a sunny day here, and warming up.  The windows are open, to grace the neighborhood with the sounds of my children playing (read: waging war against each other).  Luckily, the sounds of jackhammers tearing up the pavement to get to the main sewer line 20 yards down the street is helping to muffle this.  LOL, another day in paradise, right?  I don’t care, the sunshine and breeze feel too good to pass up.

Sitting here in contemplation this morning.  Wondering why everything I do seems to backfire on me.  I try to be silent, and I end up in situations requiring conversation.  I remove this person from Facebook to not see their status updates in the hopes this will make things easier to deal with, and yet can’t get away from seeing their comments everywhere I turn.  I try to push this all to the back burner and Sesame Street goes and has Jason Mraz playing the same song that’s been stuck in my head for the past couple days, bringing it all out again.   SESAME STREET of all places.  Come on!

Ok, so maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.  Maybe I can’t get away from this.  Maybe I shouldn’t be trying to.  Maybe what I need to work on is my own strength, and stop relying on the situations to make it easier for me.  Maybe it’s supposed to be hard.  >.>  That’s what she said (sorry, this amuses me to no end, I swear I’m five).

*sighs and sips his coffee*

So yes.  I’m doing my damndest to be good, and sometimes I surprise myself, and at other times I fail miserably.  I’m still struggling, but that’s ok.  I guess I’m supposed to.  I’m learning to be strong.  That which doesn’t kill us, etc, etc.

In the meantime, I have stacks of dishes to do, and a house that needs cleaning.  Spring is right around the corner, and with it comes that undeniable urge for spring cleaning.  I’m not one who normally enjoys or wants to clean.  However, there is something about this time of year that really brings it out in me.  Throw in being without water for two weeks, and not being ABLE to clean, and it’s gotten to the point in here where I HAVE to.  Not because I have no choice, but because it is bothering me that badly in here.  It’s disgusting.  I made it through the silverware last night.  Today, the pots, pans, plates and glasses.  The laundry.  The bathroom.

I really, really want some things around here to better organize with.  Some shelves, cupboards, dressers, bins, something.  I have too much stuff that has nowhere to go.  I’ve gotten rid of a lot of it, but … I just can’t stand the clutter.  I don’t mind having things out, but I’d like it if things had a place to be in when they’re not in use.  I sense a rummage sale in the near future.  And perhaps, hitting a rummage sale or four myself.

Apart from not liking the clutter and mess, there’s another reason to clean.  I want to have people into my house, and it just ain’t going to happen with it looking like this.  I’ve scheduled a play date for the kids on Wednesday with an old friend of mine’s daughter.  She’s about a year older than Erin, and a year and a half younger than Milo.  Milo and her seemed to hit it off well sledding a few weeks back, so it’ll be nice for the kids to have somebody to play with.  And, to be frankly honest, nice to have another adult around I can talk to face to face.  It’s nice to have people who are mutually JUST friends that one can interact with.  Friends are important.  Blogland and Facebook provide me with stimulating conversation, but it’s really nice to hear a friendly voice once in a while too.

Tonight is the new moon.  As a follower of Herne/Cernunnos, this is a good thing.  This is his time.  I’m thinking a night walk to the woods tonight to honor this.  To honor Him.  I would take any deer seen during this time as a blessing.

This is my Monday thus far.  So for now, I bid you all a fond adieu, offer my warmest hugs, and head off to the kitchen, to battle the demons of disorganization and dishes.

A good morning to you all!  I had a bit of a crazy night, as I ended up falling asleep on the couch with my netbook on my lap.  I ended up waking up around 2:30am and getting settled down more appropriately and finishing up my night’s slumber.  Oddly enough, I just received my horoscope for the day, and the time I woke up was just as the Moon began to enter Sagittarius.  Perhaps it’s not relevant to anything, but I DO find this interesting.  VERY interesting.

I believe those who regularly comment are all in with their questions at this point, and I’m itching to answer!  First however, in a nod to the title of the previous post, I thought I would share the video for the song on which it was based.  From the 1956 film version of the Rodgers & Hammerstein musical, The King and I, the song and video for “Getting To Know You.”

And with that, on to the questions!

Erin asked: “Barring Neil Gaiman, because I already know what you think of him, what author, living or dead, would you like to be able to invite to dinner and have a discussion? Why?”

Ah Erin, my love of Neil Gaiman you know well!  But despite the fact that he’s one of my three favorite authors, the author I would MOST like to invite to dinner and have a discussion with would in fact be Patrick F. McManus.  In fact, it’s been a long standing life goal of mine to go fishing with him.  Pat McManus writes humorous articles and short stories about the outdoors, be they categorized as fishing, hunting, camping, etc.  His humorous take on everything from outdoor sport to childhood has always made me laugh, long and hard.  Through the humor however, there is a love of the outdoors that shines through, and meshes well with the same love I have held since my own childhood.  My father first introduced me to this author, and it’s been a long running “gag” that I get him a Pat McManus book every Christmas.  Sometimes I would even let him read the book first!  LOL.  For my money, there could be no higher honor, than a fishing trip with this wonderful author and outdoorsman.

Mary asked: “How did you decide on following the Celtic path? Had you had experiences with other paths prior?“

Good question!  I had little or no experience or knowledge with Paganism before a year or two, when I suddenly was introduced to the concept by somebody I had an enormous amount of love and respect for.  This forced me to really stop and look at the topic honestly.  At the time, she said I was one of the most truly Pagan people she had met, and in retrospect, she was right.  Prior to this time, I had begun to open the doors of my spirituality to the teachings of other faiths beyond Christianity, and was finding both similarities in the teachings, as well as other teachings that I found meshed well with my understanding of what was both good and divine.  After taking the time to open my ears and eyes to what Paganism was really about, I didn’t so much choose, as Herne/Cernunnos chose me.  I realize he’s not reliably a Celtic God in the terms of the Irish Celts, although there remains a question as to if he may be so to the Gaulish Celts.  I also adopted Brighid during this time, which explains the more Irish Celtic views.  I find the druidic love of nature and lore to fit really well with my own personality.  I feel a strong, deep affinity for the natural world, and this path seems to best represent and nurture that bond.  At the end of the day however, I don’t follow a strictly Celtic path.  It’s what I’m learning at the moment, but my personal path is actually an eclectic blend of Christianity, Buddhism, Paganism, Taoism, and will continue to grow and expand as time goes by.  I think the best term one could use to designate my path, would be a path of mysticism and divine spirituality.  I however, just choose to refuse to really label myself at all.

Moonwolf asked: “Of the four elements, which one are you most drawn to and why? Is there one, or does it change? If it changes, why?“

Another really good question, and one that I have been pondering since your comment hit.  I also have been considering adding the fifth element, of “Love” or “Spirit” or even, if you follow the Discworld series of books, “Surprise”.  Hehe.  But you’re asking about the more common four, Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water.  I think the element I am most drawn to is Fire.  There is something hypnotic and powerful about fire.  Its energy is readily felt, and is highly transformative.  I work well with fire, and have a deep and unyielding respect for it.  That said however, sometimes it seems as if Air is drawn strongly to me, often matching my moods and whims.  Soft playful breezes, gale force winds, I love them all.  Water has always kind of scared me.  I’m not a strong swimmer, and have a hard time with water.  However, when in its frozen state, I love and work well with water.  Earth of course, is one that is always there, and is so necessary I barely even notice.  Burying my toes in the sand, and enjoying all the gifts that grow from Earth.  So yes, I suppose my favorite changes, depending on which element I am currently facing.  I love them all, and I think this really helps balance and strengthen that fifth element inside of me, Spirit.

Mother Moon asked: “Besides people, what is the one thing that lifts your spirits most and why?“

One of the most uplifting things, besides people, in terms of my spirits, is something that is fast approaching.  For me, the Springtime is something I am STRONGLY connected to.  When the temperatures get into the 50’s, when the earth is damp, when the grass starts getting green, when the flowers start to poke out of the ground, when things start to grow, when the breeze plays across my face and tousles my hair, I experience such a state of euphoria that is nearly undescribable.  When Spring comes, I feel the most alive, the most energetic, the most positive and upbeat.  I walk around with a damned silly grin on my face, and I can’t concentrate on much at all except how fantastic I feel.  This is the time of year I most enjoy walking through the woods, welcoming nature as it comes back to life.  And I respond in kind, welcoming back life, vitality, positive energy.  For me, besides people, THIS is the thing in life that most makes my spirits sing.

Rue asked: “I would like to hear about the kids. What are they like? What do they like to do? Climb trees, tea parties, camping? What’s your favourite part of being a dad?“

I have two children.  A 5 year old son named Milo, and a 2 year old girl named Erin.  Milo is a serious sort of boy, though underneath this he has a silly and crazy side that can be rather … rambunctious at times.  So it is with ALL five year old boys though.  Erin is a model of calm and cheerful, except when she is tired.  She has always been the most peaceful of children, in terms of getting along with.  They both like playing outside, though Milo’s love of insects terrifies Erin.  Milo is insanely into dinosaurs, and knows more about them now than I ever did or probably ever will.  I tell him he should be a paleontologist when he grows up, and he agrees.  Erin has all the makings of a tom boy, though she also already has a major shoe fetish.  I don’t know where that comes from.  In a world of post divorce, the kids only really ever have each other on a constant basis, so while they get into their fair share of bickering and other assorted sibling rivalries, they are very close to each other.  I love them both to death, though of course, they can wear me down so fast.  I am trying to nurture more positive behaviors in them, and am looking forward to getting out the wagon and taking them on walks in the woods again.  It’s something my dad always did with us as kids, and is something I want to do for my children as well.  They’re both intelligent, and highly inquisitive.  Milo thrives on fact based information, and has had an astonishing vocabulary and grasp of word usage since he was very young.  Erin has a mind that is suited to complex problem solving skills with little information, and always amazes me with what she can figure out on her own.  My favorite part of being a dad, are the moments when the kids are well behaved, and attentive.  Receiving such a strength of love and adoration from my children, makes ANY and ALL of the more difficult parts totally worthwhile.  There is no greater feeling when one of them will come up to me out of the blue, give me a hug, and tell me how much they love me.  That’s really what makes parenting all worthwhile for me.

And so, with that, I’ve exhausted the questions for today.  Please feel free, any of you, new readers and old alike, to ask questions.  I found this experiment to be very uplifting and meaningful, and I enjoyed it a lot.  I hope you will too.  Now if you’ll all excuse me, there are some Jehovah’s Witnesses at my door, offering me even more literature to broaden my spiritual horizons with.  ;)  Wishing you all a blessed Saturday!

Good morning all! A very happy Wednesday to you. I’m currently adjusting to a new visitation schedule with the kids that will be in full effect next week. This week, there is a transition period. I have to admit I’m looking forward to this a LOT. I’ve had the kids every single weekend for the past year and a half, and I’m looking forward to having free weekends again! There was something relaxing about having weekdays as my weekends, but it’s not exactly conducive to having a social life. Everybody I know works, and so I’d spend my “days off” lonely and bored. Sure that’s fun and necessary once in a while, but I’m here to tell you that it drags on me. After a year and a half, I’m ready to have “adult” (not like that) time on the weekends again.

I’m also finding myself making a bit more effort on things that need to be happening internally in my own life. Tweaks here and there. I’m feeling a lot more positive lately as a result. Still have my emotional struggles in the day to day, but maintaining that positive outlook more and more regardless of that. Coming to greater understandings of some of the “why’s” in my personal relationships and circumstances. This week hasn’t been that kind to me so far, but that’s ok! I’m looking at life and saying, “OK! ENOUGH already, I get it, you can stop smacking me around.” Taking more time to listen. Spending some more time internally. It’s not really what I want right now, but if it’s necessary, then fighting it is just stupid. So that’s where I’m standing today.

You probably noticed by now that I’ve styled my blog a bit differently. It’s more personal and pleasing to me. I liked the old picture and colors, but these mean so much more to me. Also I see it as a way of honoring the coming spring and summer.

I’m thinking this morning, that I’d like to share some more about myself with you all. I’ve listed things I’m grateful for in the past. So today, I thought I’d share some confessions about myself instead. The good, the bad, and the hilarious.

I am a Gemini (sun sign), Aries (moon sign) and Virgo (ascending sign).

My father wanted to name me “Lunch Money”, and I’ve always thought that was the coolest thing ever, and I’m kind of disappointed he didn’t.

I am very stubborn and headstrong. I like to do things my OWN way. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been this way. The more somebody pushes me to do something, the more I fight. And when I make up my mind, it takes a lot to make me change it.

I still miss the good aspects of my old marriage from time to time. Some days the loss of that still make me cry. But I still believe I did the right thing, even if the cost was so high as to be nearly unbearable.

This morning while driving to pick up the kids, I burst into song in the car. I spontaneously made up and sang a song about how great it was to see the sun, and about dreams coming true. I sang it in a majestic baritone that surprised even myself, and it totally made my morning. I have to admit to being inspired by somebody close to me, and she figured largely into the lyrics. lol

I am still very much in love (you know who you are), and although the strength and depth of that emotion hasn’t faded with time (far from it), I’m understanding more how now isn’t the right time to jump into that. Not with so much work on self that still needs to be done, on both our parts. That was always and ever the point, and the strength of these emotions makes it hard to focus on that sometimes. Sure I’d still love to be able to embrace that from time to time and think that’d be ok, but I understand too how distracting and consuming that can become.

I do believe I found the right person for me, the one, even if we can’t have that right now.

I really want to learn how to blacksmith.

When I was in school, I played a musical instrument: the clarinet. I was mocked for this, playing a “girl’s instrument”, until years later the other guys suddenly realized that they were sitting segregated off in dude-land, while I was surrounded by women. Hehe, suckers.

I’m a hopeless, helpless romantic with the right person.

My water is currently shut off, and I took a shower this morning with two gallons of water in a jug. I’m looking at the positive of this, in that I’ve conserved water today.

I’m hopelessly in love with my kids, even if they do make me want to strangle them.

I love long car drives. I really miss driving down to Indiana, or home from Lansing early in the morning. It’s a long boring drive, but it’s exciting in its own way. Also, these are some of the only times I really have to blast my music at top volume and sing at the top of my lungs.

I’m a sucker for sunrises and sunsets. They’re so beautiful and romantic. The transition from day to night, and night to day, is a time full of such magical energy and potential.

I’m a total coffee snob. I live on strong coffee, love it, can’t get enough!

On the occasions I have to drink, I prefer red wine or Guinness. I normally limit myself to one or two.

My spiritual life has been rather un-extraordinary lately, and I really miss that.

I still like watching cartoons and playing with Legos. Having kids is like having a second childhood for myself, as I get to do these things all over again, lol!

There are certain spots in Richmond, Indiana, that are forever burned into my memory. Glenn Miller Park, and the Whitewater Gorge.

I’m a dork, and I’m ok with that.

I have three manifestations of the Divine that I specifically honor. I was chosen by Herne and Freyja, and I also chose Brighid.

I check myself out in the mirror, and I think I’m pretty hot. I’d hit that. LOL!

When I close my eyes there is only one person’s face there, and when I wake up in the mornings, one person who I always think of first.

I have a hard time accepting compliments, because I’m not used to them. I can be very hard on myself sometimes.

I believe in fairy tales, and that dreams can come true. I believe all we have to do to have those, is to grab onto them when we see them. And I believe we know when we see them.

I often walk barefoot in the snow.

My feet aren’t ticklish, unless I really really like you.

Despite how often I want to give up, I never really truly lose hope. Hope is what keeps me going.

I love nature. This one should be obvious, but. FOR REAL. I’m happiest when I’m outside.

I believe that while people change, there is a core person in all of us, our soul maybe, or what have you, that never changes, and this is the level we truly connect with people on.

Ever since last November, I have a very soft spot in my heart for elevators. Anytime I get in an elevator, I have the cheesiest grin on my face.

My last birthday was the best day of my entire life. Hands down. Waterfalls, love, nature in the upper peninsula. Camping, rivers, standing knee deep in a lake, hiking through hills, stands of lilacs. There’s no way I could ever express how beautiful that day and the preceding days were. But, that was honestly the BEST few days of my life, ever. I believe many more like that could be possible in the future.

I also confess that this post is getting incredibly long!

Wishing you all a wonderful Wednesday, much love to you all!

I have to say that five’o'clock in the morning is definitely early. It’s becoming increasingly more common that I’m “awake” to greet the day at this time of morning. This morning, however, saw my eyes pop open at the earlier hour of four. As early as this is, as tired as I should be, I was indeed wide awake and well rested, the same familiar face the first thing in my mind as has been for the past… almost two years now. First thought upon waking, last thought before drifting into welcoming sleep. Some patterns are just so beautiful.

Why did I wake up so early? Perhaps it has something to do with retiring to bed so early as well. My children, when they are here, go to bed at 8:00pm. I wasn’t far behind.

So here I am, up before sunrise, up before those birds that are supposed to be catching their worms. Not that I can blame them, it’s hard to find worms under several inches of snow. What does one do with this sort of time? I realize some people get up this early almost every day, people have to work all sorts of schedules. I’m not among the employed, so where’s my excuse?

Sure, in another hour, hour and a half, I’ll be waking the kids up, making sure they get dressed and have breakfast, before I take my son to school. I’m taking some time to write here, but… something more.

This morning I’m being called. Called to by something more beautiful than birdsong, on a sense that’s more elusive than hearing. Something beyond sight, touch, taste or smell as well. I feeling, a need, a longing to greet the day. To stand facing east, to welcome the sun, to watch his slow ascent over the horizon, bringing life and color back into the world. Compound this with the humming of approaching spring, and it’s irresistible.

Lyon over at The Wandering Hearth recently made a reference to the television show “30 Days”.  On one of the episodes, the show’s creator goes to live on a Navajo reservation for 30 days, and learns to greet the morning every day.  I’ve always been drawn to and intrigued by Navajo spirituality, ever since I was a kid and read Tony Hillerman’s Navajo police mysteries.  The Beauty Way is … well … beautiful, and really speaks to me.

Something I’ve notice, in Pagan culture, is how often we look over the seas, back to Ireland, Greece, Rome, Egypt, Scandinavia, etc., for our ideals on spirituality.  I don’t have any problem with this, I’ve chose and been chosen by Gods and Goddesses from those cultures.  But we often seem to overlook the earth-born spirituality of the indigenous peoples of our own country.  This, of course, assuming you are in the United States.  We talk about honoring and worshipping nature, but we overlook the people that have been doing just that, in THIS natural environment, for time out of mind.  I often feel frustrated with the Celtic traditions as they pertain to Michigan.  I’m not going to find Rowan or Yew here.  I don’t live in a natural environment that supports that.  Were the Celts the only ones who had a line on the spirituality found in nature?  What about the Chippewa who used to live here.  Who would know better the spirits and practices of living in harmony with nature in the Saginaw Valley of Michigan, then they?  What did they used to practice?  What were their beliefs?  What trees, animals, etc, were sacred to them.  All I’m sure, but in what ways, etc.

I really want to find out more about what used to be (and may still be to some degree) practiced HERE.  Where I live and breathe.  I’m not forsaking other teachings, or giving up other Gods.  But what more meaningful and honest practice than to follow the path of nature in one’s OWN environment.  We brought our Gods and Goddesses to America, and overran the ones that existed here before us.  Wouldn’t it behoove us, as Pagans, to honor those that came before us in our localities?

I’m challenging myself to learn more about this.  To learn the ways of those that lived here before.  I adore the Navajo way, I love its teachings.  Now I want to find out more of the Chippewa.

I hope everybody’s mornings are filled with sunshine and positivity!

I’m writing this morning curled up with my new netbook, wrapped in a warm blanket coated cuddle puddle with the kids on the couch.  Sid the Science Kid is on the television, and to the east, the sun is starting to rise, gradually bathing the neighborhood in increasing color and light.  I love being up for sunrise.  I don’t necessarily like being woke up so early, and I probably could have used more sleep, but… I’m up, and I get to see the sunrise.  Bonus.

I took a little time this morning to step outside and greet the morning, right as the morning started lightening.  Not the brilliant golds, pinks, purples and dark blues of the sun cresting the horizon, but the gradual light of dawn beginning.  In a way, that time of morning reminds me of Imbolc, which is fast approaching.  The night is ending, and showing the first faint signs of morning.  Drawing a parallel between winter/spring and the dawn.  Random musing far too early, lol, don’t mind me.  I haven’t had any coffee yet.  ;)

As I mentioned, I have a new netbook.  I recently got paid for a website I had been working on for a while now, and since my old laptop was about 5 minutes from dying completely, I decided I needed something new.  It was a tough decision, as I could definitely be using the money for more bills.  However, as a person whose job skills entail web development and computer programming, it’s NECESSARY for me to have a computer.  I ended up going with a netbook, as it’s affordable and… well… they’re just so darned CUTE!  *huggles his netbook up*  Whoosa cute little netbook?  You are!  Yes you are!  LOL   Seriously though, this thing is doing much better than my old laptop, and I’m already used to the smaller screen and keyboard.  I’m very happy about this purchase.

All the running and visiting and whatnot of the past week was nice, I enjoyed myself, but I am definitely ready now for some serious relaxing.  *glances over at the kids who are no longer chilling, but are wiggling, hitting each other with toy frogs and laughing*  …. One of these days anyways.

Going to wrap this up and make us all breakfast.  Good morning to you all.  Sorry for the rambly, carry on.  ;)

Happy Tuesday everybody!  *throws confetti and blows a noisemaker!*

In an ongoing effort to exercise my writing, as some of you may have noticed, I’ve been taking the time to write in this humble blog-o-mine a bit more frequently.  I’m enjoying it quite a bit actually, and it’s giving me a small sense of accomplishment that I’ve been lacking these past few months.  Small victories are better than none at all, I say.  Today, I really have nothing of earth-shaking importance to report, no divinely inspired manifesto to impart, and little in the way of even a witty cliche to relate.  But you know… that’s life.  =D

Been a good couple days for me, I’m riding a pretty good positive more and more, finding comfort and joy in the little things, and watching the rest of my life move forward more positively as a result.   Yesterday evening, I drove the kids back to their mother’s, shoveled their driveway, and then sat down with the ex-wife to draw up an agreement to get the amount I have to pay in child-support reduced.   The bonus is, since we were able to come to a mutual agreement on our own, there is no filing fee involved in changing the court order, as the Friend of the Court can handle the filing on their end.  About time they’re doing something positive for me!

After that, I decided to take myself out for a while, treat myself to some me time away from the house.  I had received a gift card to Barnes & Noble for the holidays, and an evening of perusing books and sipping on a Java Chip Frappucino from the obligatory in-store Starbuck sounded like heaven on earth.  So that is exactly what I did!  It was good to get out and do that, even if it didn’t last nearly as long as I thought it would.  The local Barnes & Noble didn’t have much in the way of what I was looking for, little in the way of books I was willing to take a chance on, and overpriced on anything I COULD find.  I eventually narrowed the choices down to an O’Reilly book on programming in Java,  ”You Are Here” by Thich Nhat Hanh, and The Legacy of the Divine Tarot.  I had been drooling over that tarot set since before it came out, had initially felt a strong connection to the images, and then as time progressed, lost that.  I had decided a while back I wasn’t going to bother buying it.  Then I saw it in the store, and the box could be opened.  I opened it up, held the cellophane wrapped cards in my hands, looked at the image showing, and promptly changed my mind.  So I am now the proud owner of this beautiful deck.

I took the time last night, to connect to the deck, put my print on it, and charge it with intent, focus, and finally, a question.  I did a general reading of where I am standing right now, using a Celtic Cross spread, and couldn’t have been more happy with the results.  One of my favorite things in this deck, is the Heirophant has been replaced with “Faith”, a card that shows leaders of 4 major world religions, all praying or meditating while facing a central golden, shining light.  It really seems to deepen and expand the meaning of this card, and speaks to me of the meaning behind the card a lot clearer than the traditional Heirophant imagery ever did.  The deck also comes with a comprehensive 352 page book, with about 2 pages dedicated to each and every card, with comments from the artist, as well as the impressions of other tarot professionals and artists.  I don’t know that this deck will ever be able to replace my Fey Tarot, which is now well worn and beloved, but it is probably going to be first in the bullpen, if you know what I mean.  =)

Busy day today, and I probably won’t be around much.  I have a lot to accomplish, and am even heading down to Lansing later for dinner with a friend, at one of the most amazing Indian restaurants ever, in terms of taste.  In terms of service, not so much.  However, this has become part of the charm of the place for me, as it gives one time to sit and chat and catch up.  If you’re ever in the Lansing area, and are looking for, or want to try, amazing Indian cuisine, then please look up “Sindhu”.

Ta for now everybody, hope your days are full of blessings, both big and small.