old man sutton

The adventures through life and spirit of a single father, lover and man.

Behind lie engines
gearing through their paces
busy people with busy lives
eyes straight ahead
focused on the day to day
hands on the wheel
foot hovering hesitantly
between brake and gas
and I turn my back on it
and face the water,
face the north
and watch the waves
slurping slowly at the sand
watching
the water come closer,
causing small seashells
to dance and flutter
lifelessly on the beach,
a cool air surrounding me
and a sun setting slowly to the left
no hands on the wheel
no control and no desire
to punch the gas
or stomp on the brakes
merely lean back and
let my hair stir listlessly
content for now to be
along for the ride.

Let me start off by saying that firstly, no, I did not get in a car accident.  Secondly, that this is a long rambling post, and I’ve been writing it for several hours, so if it gets too difficult to read, I do apologize.

I was going back over some poetry I had wrote at the end the year, and I ran across this.  It’s still pretty much in its raw form.  It’s definitely something for me to keep in mind right now.  I’m still getting panicky, I’m still afraid.  But I remember what this felt like, writing this poem, and it’s helping to calm me down.  Time apart isn’t so bad when you know you’ll be seeing each other again soon.  Still not quite close to “soon”, but … soon enough I suppose.  I really want to talk so bad.   And while most of that is a genuine desire to share company and conversation with her, there is part of that which  is also worry that in some way, the reality of who we are when we’re together will be forgotten about if we don’t talk for so long, and then, so too will I be forgotten.

I see the car moving, and my hands aren’t on the wheel.  That can be pretty effing scary.  I control every other aspect of my life, and have for a good … wow, almost 2 years now since I first separated and struck out on my own.  I have been living an independent lifestyle, living alone, making it all by myself for almost 2 years now.  I’ve worked, parented, struggled, fought, paid, loved, laughed, listened, shared, cried, and died several times over in that time-frame.  And some of those times were happy, and some of those times were sad.  And some of those times were the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life, and I can still remember those times.  I want to grab on to that part of my life that grew those happy times, not just the memories, but the reality of it that made it happen in the first place, to grab onto that and live it and live it hard.  I deserve to be that happy.  Everybody deserves to be that happy.  There’s no way I deserve it more than you or anybody else.

I accidentally stumbled on an old conversation this morning, and it made my heart melt and my tears flow with the tenderness, love, lust, connection, passion and sheer adoration in it.  And if there’s ever been anything that has stood in the way of that, it’s been fear.  It’s something I have no control over.  There’s no steering wheel on this car, the brakes have been cut, there’s a weight on the accelerator, and I’m in the passenger seat looking for the “oh shit” handle, scared to hell too.  I don’t need to park the car in the driveway or nothing, but it would be nice if it didn’t drive over the edge of a cliff too.  That’s the shit about having no control.  You just have no idea what is going to happen.

That’s the scary thing about starting anything new too, though.  It’s new.  It’s the unexpected.  It’s the unknown.  Every day we are handed more and more of these.  Every day is the start of something new.  Every day we are given the present, and there is no telling what will happen.  The best we can hope to do is to do the best we can with each day.  This is where I want to keep the car on the road.  This road fills my heart, and this road makes me feel alive.  Fuck fear.  How many times had her and I ever gotten together, scared what it was going to be like together after so long, and how many times were all those fears unnecessary.  Some things burn bright no matter how dark the horizon is.   And I think that the best I can do, is find those things, and to fan the flames.

That just happens to be one of them.

I’m fanning the flames of my kids, being the best dad I can be for them.

I’m striking furiously with steel and flint at a pile of dried grass where work is, but it’s something.  ;)

The thing is, as much as I talk about love, and this person I love… that’s just a part.  I’m already living the others parts of my life as best as I can, or working on it.  I am always trying to do better.  The love is the part that I’m missing terribly right now,  all the more so because of an added silence on top of it.  I’m not only missing my truest and most precious love, I’m missing my best friend.  I’m missing the most amazing person I have ever met on the face of this earth, and the loss of that weighs and tugs at me.  This is a person that not only do I feel all this for, but one who understands me deeper than anyone ever has, who I have bared my soul to, told my darkest and deepest secrets to, shared our fears and hopes with, shared the brightest times of my life with, magnified the best in me, and whom I helped do the same for, who suffered with me through a tragic loss,  who stood with me and looked to the future with a mutual hunger to grab onto that as hard as we could and never let go.  I fear the loss of all of that, because there is so much there.  There is everything I had always looked for, and more.   Is it any wonder I want to try to keep the car on the road?

So at the same time, if I try to control this car, the movements will become exaggerated, the car will veer sharply, and go plummeting off the cliff.  So here is where things come down to trust.  This is where it’s important to just be present in the moment.  To acknowledge, yes, I AM afraid of losing that, thank you very much.  I have never seen a more undeniably perfect couple as when we’re  together.  I’ve never met somebody I was more sure about wanting to share my love with, who stirred my passion so deeply.  To me, THAT is what’s really worth hanging on to.  I am very much afraid of losing that.  I am expending so much energy WORRYING about losing that, and trying to prevent it, that the focus of that energy is all on … losing that.

Woah, not cool man, I believe in that whole “mind over matter” thing.

Do I have it in me to acknowledge this fear, to know I’m afraid, to know that there IS no way to know, and just … let go of the wheel, lean back, and enjoy this ride, wherever it takes me?  Can I have enough trust in the Gods and in myself to know that I’ll be alright, that my past is not the culmination of my existence?  No matter what happens, good or ill, there’s always going to be a tomorrow, and I’m always going to try to live it the best I can.  Who knows.  I’m not going to give up if things don’t go the way I’d prefer.  Life doesn’t end.  The sun will still come up.  Etcetera, ad infinitum.

I believe.  I believe fear can be faced and acknowledged and dealt with rationally, that it can me redirected so that one can meet the best life ever.  I do truly believe that.  I’m trying to live that every day.  Because when it’s time for my hands to be on the wheel, when I am in the drivers’ seat, believe me, I’m driving the hell out of this car.  That’s the way I want to live my life.  To the absolute FULLEST, enjoying every bit of it.  Good company, community, passion, intellectual stimulation, family, romance, love, equality, my closest friend, a spiritual connection, independence, partnership and mind blowing sex.  2-3 times a day.  Minimum.  ;)

That’s worth seeing how useless it is to panic when my hands aren’t on the wheel right?  That’s worth acknowledging that fear of the unknown, and stepping forward intent on focusing on having the best life possible, to be the happiest I can be right?  No more worrying that things change.  No more fearing the unknown, but embracing the moment as a gift, and always, ALWAYS living it to the fullest.

*leans back, hair blowing in the wind, and tries to get comfortable in the passenger seat*

There are times in the lives of all of us that define us.  Times where we are forced to test what we are made of.  Times that push us beyond our limits, out of our comfort zones, where we must stand or fall.  To live in such times, brings us great fear.  We gnash our teeth, and question the fairness.  We wish that we would never have lived to see such times, we hope that they can’t happen in our lifetimes.  All of us who have ever had to experience this, question why.  While we often reach these times through paths of our own choosing, at the same time often there is no avoiding them.  It does no good to wonder why us, why now.  The times come, and it matters little why.  What matters is what we do with them.

When hope fades, when fear reigns, when pain becomes unbearable, when the odds are stacked against us, when everything seems impossible … these are indicators we have reached such times.  Our normal reaction is to cower, to hide, to give up.  We wish to deny the reality of such times.  We lose our hope, we lose our ways.  We slow down, take stock, and stop.  The fear of change, of overcoming the odds, of facing the darkness with our own meager light is powerful.  The longer we stand still and figure the odds, the harder it becomes to move again.  We begin to tell ourselves we are weak, that we can not possibly face these fears, that there is no way we can succeed.  Perhaps we approached such times from a place of strength, but as the time becomes more difficult, we succumb more and more to the fear, to the pain, and wish to retreat back to our comfort zones.

Facing adversity in such times is hard.  But we are made of sterner stuff, we who are human.  We have many stories and tales, both fictitious and founded in fact, where we overcome the odds.  Where armies who are outnumbered choose to fight, despite being outnumbered.  Where individuals with the world stacked against them soldier bravely onward.  Where one who has been knocked down repeatedly continues to get back up and try again.  We understand that perhaps we are destined to lose, but we get back up and face this with courage.  We stand, we fight.  We strive to overcome.  There is a light within us all that can not be extinguished, if we chose to see it.

Perhaps at times we still fail, but we fail knowing we have faced the situation to the best of our abilities.  We have faced our fears and proved our worth.  And yes, oftentimes we find we can overcome.  Our will is a powerful thing, and often has little to do with reality.  While we live and breathe, while our heart beats, while there is an ounce of blood in our veins or a breath left in our lungs, we can continue to push on, to strive to overcome, despite the fear, the sorrow, the pain.  We are unique, in that we can bend the odds around us, and charge through the odds, meeting success regardless.

Sometimes, when we look into the darkness, we can see no light through the other side, and so, struggle to remain in the light we know.  But the darkness stays there, lingering, beckoning, and waiting to be faced.  It spreads through time, growing darker, deeper.  We can not hide from it forever.  Truth must be faced, reality must be acknowledged.  Despite the odds against us.  Whether this is facing the reality of a relationship whose time is over, a love that is not enough and never will be, financial ruin, or even death itself.  Eventually, all things change, and all things must be acknowledged.  There is no life without risk or change.  There is no happiness without sorrow.  There is no light without the darkness.  There is no hope without adversity.  The only way to live, to find happiness, to realize hope, is to accept the road ahead of us.  We can not change these things, we can not run from them or hide from them forever.  They will catch up to us eventually.  It does not matter how we got here, for we are here.  It is NOW.  What matters now, is how we face them.

In my veins, I bear the blood of my ancestors.  I bear their memories.  I feel the times my people have faced the odds, have struggled, and have stood fast and true.  All things change, and often in ways we wish they wouldn’t.  There is no going back.  There is only ever forwards.  We can not mourn the past forever, we can not pick up the threads of a life that has ceased to be true.  Some truths are not strong enough to move forward with.  There is only honesty and acceptance, despite how scary this may be.  In a couple short years I have been forced to accept many of these.

Despite loving my ex-wife, despite our children, despite the vows I had made to her, despite the things we could have done to find more happiness … despite all this, I lacked a fire for her.   I had to face the unthinkable, and say goodbye to the life we had.  I had to accept us as who we truly were.  There was and always will be love between us, but it is a love that is without passion.  We had problems communicating, with intimacy, with honesty, and accepting each other for who we were.  These were the problems of our marriage, very real problems.  And all problems that could be addressed, had they but stood on their own.  But more than being problems, they were side effects.  They were not the cause, but the consequences of a deeper problem.  A love without passion, a love that despite both our desires and hopes that it could have been enough, never could be.  Always underneath was the knowledge that we would always desire more.  That our passions lie elsewhere than with each other.  Perhaps I did reach deep enough into the core of her to awake a passion for me.  Perhaps.  Through time though, she has come to see that she lacked that for me, despite her protestations in the face of losing me.  She was forced to face her fears, to face the darkness, and in doing so, found change and truth.  As did I.  The sorrow was unimaginable.  To give up all I had worked for, to give up all that I had hoped we could be.  To give up the family I had tried so hard to create, the love I tried so hard to tend … no matter my fears at losing that, the truth was … it wasn’t there.  Only by facing that truth, and accepting it, have I been able to progress beyond that fear, and stand ready to face the future.

And what a future it has been.  Looking back, I knew this would be hard, but I had no idea how hard it was going to be.  I knew I would likely struggle to make ends meet, but I had no idea it would be this hard.  I knew I would be heartbroken, but I had no idea how close my heart would come to being destroyed.  I knew my children would suffer, but I didn’t really think the aftereffects would be so far reaching.  I knew things would never be the same, but I had no idea how much they would change.  I had hoped we would be able to remain close, but even with how well we get along, there is a distance now that can not be bridged.  I closed the doors, I burned the bridge, I shed my tears, and despite the fact that things have been so much more difficult and tragic, more painful than I ever thought I could bear, I have beared it.   I have faced it.  I have come out on the otherside, and I have found hope.  I have found I am still alive, that life goes on, and there are still futures spread before me.  There is no going back.  There is only ever forward.

I find myself in financial ruin.  I am so far behind on all my bills that I see no hope.  I have income that barely provides groceries and gasoline, yet life goes on and every month the debt against me stacks and grows and builds.  I stand the risk of losing my house.  My water has been off for almost a week.  My phone is shut off.  My internet is shut off.  Soon, I’m sure my gas and electric will be disconnected.  I owe thousands in back taxes to the city.  I owe thousands to the utility company.  I owe tens of thousands to my mortgage company.  I don’t currently own auto insurance.  I sit here day after day, trying to find work and failing.  I see no hope.  I see only everything stacked against me.  I long to give up.  I am afraid to act, afraid to move, afraid to even answer the phone and listen to another harassing debt collector.  I am afraid of losing everything I own.  I am afraid of continuing forward.  But even more so, I am afraid of not doing so.  If I give up, if I turn my back on everything I have accepted, everything I have found to be true, I am afraid that I will cease to live and cease to have my opportunity to find the truth of why I set out on this path in the first place.  Some days it is SO TEMPTING to just call her up, and look to put the past behind us, to grab on to the love we still share, to pick that back up, and to have my comfort zone back.  It is a strong urge, that I fight.  It might work, we might find happiness even, but I know I would not be truly living.  The doorway to that path was opened by another.  And that’s been scary from the get go.

Despite how much that terrifies me, it terrifies me even more to ignore that.  And now… the one who DID open that door for me, the love of my life, she must face her own darkness.  To look through the broken pieces of her own self, and reclaim the truth that led to that breakage.  And while she does this, I still must stand and fight.  I can no more run from the truth of my own dark night than she can hers.  I have to stand and fight.  I have to remain strong.  While there is even a shred of hope left for me, while there is but a breath left in my body, I can not run.  I can not hide.  These are the times that define us, and while I am afraid to face this, I am more afraid of turning by back and giving up.  No more backwards.  No more standing still.  There is only forwards, and I am made of sterner stuff.  There is always hope, despite the harshness of the truth.  Despite how hopeless my life may seem, I will always stand and fight, to my dying breath.  There is no reward without risk, and for the stakes I’m playing for, there can be no greater rewards.  I am playing for the future, for LIFE, for TRUTH.  I will stand, and I face this, and I will fight.

I wish her the same steel and strength as she faces her own night, and pray that I can be as strong.  Change comes whether I want it to or not.  And I will be standing on the other side, even if I end up standing alone.  To do anything less would be to deny the truth of myself.  I am part of Deity, and I will continue to act as such.  So mote it be.

I had plans to be out of town this week, indeed, to be out of state even. Unfortunately, sometime things don’t always happen the way we want them to, and I’ve found myself at a loss for what to do now. I COULD stay, I’d like to. I don’t really feel exceedingly social this close on the heels of disappointment. It would be very easy to hole up and spend my time moping. I COULD get outside and finish cleaning up my yard before the snow starts falling, but … let’s be honest. It’s not likely to happen in my current mood. What to do, what to do.

I’ve since decided to take my cousin up on an earlier offer to come up north and hang out with him for the week in Traverse City. Traverse City, for those of you who haven’t been, is a GORGEOUS town in the northwest “corner” of Michigan’s lower peninsula. It’s famous for its cherries, golf, bay, sand dunes and other things that I can’t remember (read: make up) at the moment. It’s hilly and wild and settled all at the same time, and I love the land up there. I’m hoping this will be a good get away. While on the one hand I’m afraid I’m too depressed and down right now to have any fun, at the same time, I’m thinking that surrounding myself with good cheer and people who enjoy my company is just what the doctor ordered to help me kick this. Ryan, following his own advice? I know, right? It happens occasionally, I swear!

So, here’s to you blog land. Wishing you well while I take a much needed sabbatical from “home” and my worries for a while, and head up to the great hopefully-not-so-white north.

And if I don’t get back on time … Happy birthday Lyon on Thursday. =)

*hugs*

Ok, damnit, this is important to me. I’m not going to leave the last post by itself. I was going to do yoga this morning, and waken up my body, try to find peace and serenity to face the day with. But I can’t just go into today, without finding something to be grateful for. I’m more positive than that. Time to do a little “yoga of the soul” I guess, and stretch out and really reach for that, and breathe into it, and feel myself awakening. I’m sure I have things I’m grateful for, even if on the outside, I don’t seem to have much of anything.

I am grateful for my children, who, even though they are a pain in my ass, and often cause me to feel like the world’s worst parent, still love me despite all my shortcomings. They count on me, they depend on me, they need me, and I am grateful for their unwavering trust and love.

I am grateful for my family. Even though they set my teeth on edge, and as the years go on, I find I have less and less in common with them, they’re my family. They’ve been there for me no matter what. Even when I’ve gone against everything they think I should do, have made mistakes, have lashed out at them, they’ve always been on my side. They haven’t always agreed, but they have accepted that I’m able to make my own choices, and stood by me when I made them. The more I look out at others, the more I realize how rare that really is. So I’m thankful for that.

I’m grateful for Lyon, even though we’re not at a place right now where I can have the parts of her that really make me the happiest. I’m still thankful that she is in my life, as a friend, as a confidant. I’m thankful for her in so many ways. I’m thankful she showed me what love really is, and I’m thankful we got to experience that, even if the time was far too short. I’m thankful for the love I still feel for her, and the love she still feels for me, even if we can’t embrace it now, even if we can’t ever again, I’m blessed to have seen what it was. There’s not enough time in the universe to fully experience that, so I should consider myself lucky to have experienced it for any time at all. Even if I can’t have it right now, my life is more full and meaningful for having got to at all.

I’m thankful for hope. Without it, I’d have given up and stopped living long before now. Hope that things will get better. That every cloud has a silver lining. That at the end of the rainbow is a pot of gold, and that along the paths through life things will someday work out for the best. Hope that no matter how dark things get, that there will be light again.

I’m thankful that I took the time to do this. I’m thankful that even though everything in my life has gone pretty much the opposite of what I’ve wanted, that everything dear to me seems to be slipping through my fingers, that even though I don’t have a job, money, a partner, security or comfort, that I’m still able to look at life and see the positive, even if it does take some work most days. Maybe that’s what this is all about. Maybe only after I have everything taken away from me, can I truly appreciate what comes next. After everything is gone, even the smallest things are miraculous and full of blessings, and imagine what that does for the big things.

I’m thankful that I have friends to talk to, even if it’s all in the virtual world as it were. I don’t think I could have gotten here alone. I love you all.

There, that wasn’t so hard. Have a happy Thanksgiving.

A year ago today … I drove down to Richmond to meet Lyon for the very first time. We had been romantically involved for 7 months prior to that, falling more and more in love, all long distance and online, without the benefit of ever having met. The time involved that things stayed strong is a testament I think to what we have. One year ago today, we decided we would finally meet face to face, and see once and for all what was what. I remember we were in a similar spot as we find ourselves in now… myself barely able to contain my glee, her, happy, but wrapped up in letting go of her husband. I expressed hesitation about coming down, and we agreed that while it might not be the best time all things considered, we could make excuses forever, and we were done making excuses. I’ve spent a lot of time this past week reliving it all. Over and over. Rereading old emails and chatlogs. Looking through our pictures. Memory after memory playing out before me. It seems like only yesterday, and it seems so much longer.

We were both pretty scared and excited to meet finally, I remember that. What if she didn’t like me? What if how I looked in person wasn’t what she expected from my pictures? What if we didn’t click? What if, what if, what if. I don’t remember ever being so scared and conflicted while being so incredibly excited and happy at the same time. I had a hotel reserved to stay at, and we planned that we would meet in a local park. I then made the nearly 6 hour drive down at 2 in the morning, to make the 8am meeting time. I remember calling her as I pulled into Richmond to let her know I was there. The sun was rising so beautifully behind me, cresting as I made the drive to the park. I remember telling her I was “coming with the dawn”. I pulled into the park at 8am sharp (not bad planning on my part), and waited for her. And waited… I remember sitting there by the pond, watching the incoming road, my heart in my chest everytime a car drove down it. And waited. Shit! Maybe she’s standing me up, maybe she doesn’t want to meet me, now that it’s real. What will she think? Is my hair ok? How does my breath smell? Do I got time for another cigarette, and why am I shaking so hard? LOL… I was a nervous wreck, but beneath it all, I was bouncing up and down, all smiles and happiness, that here, finally, I was going to meet the woman I had fallen so madly, deeply, truly in love with.

I think I waited either 10 minutes, but it felt somewhere closer to 10 years, my heart in my throat and bursting with excitement. Finally, finally I saw her pulling up. I remember sitting stock still where I was for a minute or so, while she pulled in, letting her park, get out of the car. Almost too scared to move, to stand up and make that walk. To face the reality and see what it was all about. This was IT. Deep breath, stand up, walk up the hill, and around the pavillion. There she was, walking towards me. Real. We drew closer and anything I had thought to say, any sort of greeting, went right out the window. That beautiful face, those amazing green eyes. The way she was looking at me and melting. And I was melting right back. I opened my mouth and let my heart speak… “Oh my God, you’re gorgeous….” The moment was the purest, most amazing magic. Fuck sparks. Fuck fireworks. This was a conflageration, a forest fire, my entire heart caught fire and I saw the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with beyond a shadow of a doubt for the first time ever.

That day, and the next, was pure magic. I can’t remember prior ever feeling so happy, so alive, as I did when I was with her. She was even better in person, better than I had ever hoped for. I don’t think it took us more than 2 hours before I couldn’t contain myself anymore and kissed her. I couldn’t help it. There was no way to stop myself. I was far too in love, far to mesmerized and enchanted, for me to do anything else. Queue the fireworks and fire, the thrill, the tinglies. So much love in such a little (albeit long) kiss. I fell a little more in love. I didn’t know that was even possible, surely I had already been at my limit? How was it possible to love someone this much? That day was very affectionate. Very much in love, and very much a struggle, because we had resolved to keep things kosher, the situation being what it was. It was definitely a struggle. But we made it through… though our wings were probably a bit more tarnished afterwards. The draw was just… undeniable. And saying goodbye and going home after that was more than I could bear. I had found I couldn’t ever get close enough to her, and now I had to put all that cruel, cold distance between us again. But I did it anyways, with my heart and my eyes to the future, filled with hope.

When she moved up in December, we began spending time together, as much as possible, even though she was an hour and some change away. And you know, through that time, and I still don’t know how, we fell more and more in love, deeper and deeper. Everytime, “Surely, it can’t get stronger than this?” Everytime, yes, it can. Most couple start out happy, then plateau, then die. I would think to this day, if asked openly and honestly enough we could say it’s still building, still growing.

I remember it all, cherish every single second we spent together. When we’re together, we both come alive, we bring out the best in one another. And the love just magnifies everytime. Affection is as natural as breathing, even after this time. When we are face to face, there is all the things we fell in love about each other, and there in spades. When I’m with her, I feel home. I feel loved and cherished and worshipped. And I feel it right back, and show it with every ounce of my being. Not because that’s what you have to do to have a healthy relationship, but because there is no other way to love her. She completes a part of me that I’ve been missing my entire life, just by who she is, and there is no effort involved. At all. I have to believe that’s the real deal. THE.

I remember cold winter mornings snuggled up in bed, pressed so close together, both of us burrowing subconsciously into the other, unable to get close enough. Hot summer nights, still snuggled up even against the heat… lol.. “Geroff me, I’m sweaty!” Waking up to coffee and breakfast, waking up with a smile as we peeked out of heavy lids at each other, just cheesing out to see she was still there, still real, and still everything I wanted. With a love that was still getting stronger and stronger, so easily. I remember her cooking turkey tacos, and insisting I stay seated on the couch, happy to do something for me, and I remember being filled with awe and appreciationg for her, this beautiful, perfect woman who loved me back as fiercely and easily as I loved her. I remember walks in the woods, sleepovers on the floor. I remember camping, and standing in a lake staring into each others eyes and waterfalls. I remember all the good times. I remember all the hard times. And through it all, no matter how great, now matter how hard… I remember the love that kept growing. Through it all I fell more and more madly in love with her every day. Surely… surely it couldn’t get any stronger than this.

One day, her landlord kicked her out of the place she was staying. We had been kicking around the idea of moving in together. But not like that. Not because there wasn’t any other option. And there were still things to finish up that weren’t getting across from up here. So she moved back down there with her parents. One of the hardest moments of my life. It was time for space, for things there to end, so that there could be … a future. Any future. A future together, living this, every single day. Even thought she was leaving… I was more in love with her than ever.

These past few months have been some of the hardest of my life. Watching her go through her divorce, wanting to draw her nearer with every breath, but forced into inaction by doing the “right” thing and giving her space. Taking the times where we’d draw closer anyways, unable to bear being apart. Always picking up right where we left off, and growing stronger and deeper every time. Always so naturally, so easily, finding a deeper and more spiritual and soulful connection every time… just by dint of who we both are. We have our share of flaws, and she hasn’t seemed to love me less for mine, nor I for hers. It’s not the most practical situation. But… there’s nowhere I’d rather be than with her. She’s still the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. More and more every day. I eventually did what I felt I had to, by stepping away from our relationship so that she could deal with things there, without the distraction of me. I don’t think it made anything easier to be honest. But even through all that, I was falling more and more in love every day. And it was tearing me apart to be so far away from that. But I did it because I felt that was the right thing to do, she needed to be free to end things before starting the new.

Here we are. It’s one year later. She’s been divorced only a week. Common sense says, stay at home. It’s too soon. She just went through this. You know how hard it is. She’s still trying to push you away, to run, she’s still raw man. She wants to focus on a life without anybody in it. But… it’s one year later. I love her more now than I did when we first met, then I did a half a year ago, than I did even yesterday. More and more every day, I love this woman more. If ever there was such a thing as a soulmate, a twin flame, a perfect mate, somebody I was made for, who was also made for me… she is it. When we are together it’s too strong to ignore. It’s one year later, and I love her more deeply than I ever thought was possible. It can’t get any stronger right? *laughs* I can’t draw near enough to her, but I will always strive to regardless. It’s one year later, and common sense and her say, “Let her have her space…” and yet… my feelings for her are too strong. For the first time, staying put and doing the “right” thing don’t feel like the right thing. For the first time, staying here and just having faith that everything will turn out for a happy future together sounds like the WRONG thing. I love her with all my heart, my mind, my body, my soul. I love her as effortlessly as the breeze. I’ve lost my job, I’ve lost my ability to support myself and my kids. She has loved me throughout it. What does that stuff have to do where the heart is concerned? Would anybody out there break up with the love of their life if the mundane world wasn’t cooperating? It’s one year later, and… for several reasons I’m being drawn there. For a loss we shared not long ago. For the love we share. For her to have a loving person around that can be supportive about the path she chose to take. To look in her eyes again. To see if the love she had for me is still there. To remind her how real this is. To just be able to hold her in my arms and tell her everything will be ok. We all need some human contact. And… mysel included. It’s a year later, and I feel like… I can’t just sit here and wait to come down, or it will never happen. I came down a year ago and started living life again. It’s a year later, and it’s time to start living life again. To embrace the reality of these feelings, and … admit how much a part of me they are. I can’t feel this for her, and NOT come down. She’s my mate, in the truest, deepest sense of the word. I know where my place is, and it’s by her side. Common sense says wait, but life… love… my inner self… and the pull I feel on me from her even now (intentional or not)… to be true to all of that, I have to go.

It’s one year later. And I come with the dawn. Without shame, though I know it makes things more difficult. I’m sorry for that, but not sorry I come. I’m living again. No more limbo, no more excuses to hold back. No excuses ever. Once you find a good excuse, you let in all the bad excuses too. I’m tired of being afraid of life, of living in fear, hiding behind excuses. I have to come, because it is that strong, it is that deep, and there is nowhere else I CAN be, than by her side. Gods forgive me, I know I’m not making the smartest choice, but… I’m making the right choice. Just like last time, I’m scared, terrified and I don’t know what to expect, but.. excited as well. For the same reasons. I know she’s in a pretty rough space right now, and I know that she has to deal with that. I accept that. But this love is real too, and cries out to be acknowledged and embraced. Nobody else can ever compare to this love, and my heart belongs to her, and her alone. I have eyes for no other. I love her enough to follow the trueness of what I feel for her, even if it jeopardizes having a future together. I have to be true to how I feel, and there is nowhere else I can be right now than by her side, even if for a day. Even if all I can do is offer comfort in her grief. Even if the love is gone for her, than as a friend. There is nowhere else I can be than there, and still be me. I love her with all of my heart, and there is no place I’d rather be than by her side.

Last night, I went out to dinner in Midland, to my favorite Chinese restaurant, Pi’s.  My last day of work was October 23rd, and another coworker I had worked with had recently been laid off as well.  She was moving back down to Houston, and we were having a dinner to send her off.

I left for dinner from my house, and got in my car, and began the long drive to Midland.  For most of this drive I took River Road, instead of Midland Road, as I wanted a more scenic view.  River Road, appropriately enough, runs alongside the Tittabawassee River, and goes right through the outlying reaches of a little town called Freeland.  The town where I grew up.

For some reason, driving through there last night, I was feeling really good.  The scenery was incredible, as the sun was setting.  There are a lot of bare trees now, but where once they were orange, or red or yellow, now the ground is this color.  The fields are harvested.  There are great expanses of bare earth, and it was humming.   It was feeling really good.  I made some sort of connection to the land, or it made one with me.  But it felt like being a kid again.  Everything felt familiar.

The past two days I’ve found myself amazed at earth.   Though yes, I’m amazed at our planet as well, that’s not exactly what I’m talking about.  Earth.  Soil.  Dirt.  The surface of the planet.   Specifically, its ability to just… absorb.

I was amazed yesterday, while visiting with my neighbor, at what has happened behind his garage.  We had both broke up a lot of concrete around our homes, and he put the pieces behind his garage to keep the weeds down.  What’s amazing to me is how the stones have sank into the ground these past two years, so that now, there’s almost a little pathway running behind his garage.  I’ve noticed my brick pile I had laid out has sank down one whole layer of bricks.  This lay is far enough into the ground that it’s starting to get covered up.    The stones I had put out into my driveway to keep the mud down (dirt driveway), have all sank quite a bit as well.  I went to the grocery store today and noticed some parking curbs were off the pavement, and onto the dirt.  They had sank about halfway down.

I feel like I’m being shown something.  For now, I’m going to sit with my thoughts, though I’d welcome any of yours.

Saturday I’m scheduled to write for Lyon at The Wandering Hearth.  I can’t even begin to express how honored I am to have been asked, or how special this is for me.  I’ll be joined that weekend by two other guest bloggers, Bella Foxglove from Wanderings of a Wondering Mind, and Jupiter Greenmoone of Carnelian Chronicles.

All for now, have a good morning.

I have a few more serious posts rattling around in my head lately, but anytime I go to write them down I can’t get the words to flow out. I’m working on it. I’m still here though.

Look here soon too for a guest post from Lyon at The Wandering Hearth, as a further exploration of my Divine Masculinity thoughts. Looking forward to her views, which I respect quite a bit.

Today is my last wednesday at my job, my last day is Friday. I’m just ready for it to happen now. The job front is looking grim, but I’m looking forward to cleaning my house, thoroughly, and make it mine again.

All for now!

Things have been fairly quiet for me the last couple of days, which I’m thankful for. I’ve been pretty quiet, which I’m feeling a little less than thankful for right now. Have spent the past few days licking my wounds, internalizing, gathering my strength. Trying to find center again in a life that is rapidly becoming a nexus in terms of cataclysmic life altering changes all happening at the same time.

As it stands right now, in 18 days I will be joining the masses of unemployed struggling to find jobs, trying to make do as a single father, with a mortgage, leftover marital credit-card debt, all the normal bills, and child support on the limited budget that unemployment wages provide. If I’m lucky. I still haven’t heard for sure if, as a contractor, I’m even elligible for unemployment. Changing jobs has always been one of the scariest things in my life for me. I don’t know why. It’s terrifying….. Deep breath….. Moving on.

My ex-wife is getting ready to move in with someone else in November. With the kids. I’m finding as time goes on, I’m accepting this more and more. He’s a good guy. The kids love him. He still respects me as their dad. He treats her good. They really love each other. That’s all that matters. Still though … it’s a big change. A hard, hard departure from what life used to be. I worry about her, and I worry about the kids. I just want to make sure they’re happy….. Deep breath….. Exhale….. Moving on.

I recently broke up with Lyon. There’s no way I can even begin to explain how lost I am. I didn’t want to, but right now, at this time, in this place, it’s the right thing for what we want, what I want. I’m still very much hurting and wanting to hold on right now. Life without the relationship side is … definitely a change. A major one.  Slow deeeep breath……….. Exhale……….. Moving on.

This morning as I dropped the kids off at daycare, and drove myself to work, I had the privelege of driving straight into the setting moon. Watching it grow larger and larger as the morning grew lighter, the sun rising in oranges and blazing electric purples behind me. Looking around at the trees and fields on my drive to work, noting how much is still green, but how much is just teeming with the brightest, most glowing reds I have ever seen, and bright oranges, and dull faded yellows already beginning to speckle with brown. The air was crisp, cold, I actually had to run the heater in the car. It was gorgeous. Life was made for moments like that.  It reminds me that everything will be ok.  Those are the moments in life worth having.  Whether you have money, or you have someone to share it with, or whatever.  Sure, those things can help.  But the joy and happiness in moments like these will STILL BE HERE… and they’ll still be amazing.

I still want someone to share it with. I still know who that is. But. Not right now. That’s a huge thing to wrap my mind around. It is. But I’ll get there. The ex-wife will move in with the man she loves, and I’m ok with that. I’m working on grasping the enormity of it. But I’ll get there. I’ll do the absolute best I can to find a job. I can’t give up. I’m putting a lot of faith in deity on this one. And I’ll play the cards they choose to give. Come what may. I’ll get there.

Positive thought, positive action … don’t fail me now.

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Edit for Disclaimer: I’m in no way trying to paint a negative or misrepresented picture of anybody here, this is just the perceptions I’ve had in my mind lately, and the thought process I’ve been through today. Like any story, there are more than just one side.

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I have a problem right now with insecurity, that has grown larger in recent weeks. It’s gotten a little out of control, and well… time to confront this. For me, that means exploring it. Writing it down, talking about it, getting it out in the open. I’m just writing as I go, and posting it raw. No editing. No spelling corrections. Open-mouthed “bleeeeeaarrrrrgh-plop” to quote someone. I just need to get what’s been inside me out, drain the poison, so life may flow back.

I recently broke up with Lyon, as the situation we are involved in has been preventing us from growing as a couple, has actually been regressing us. I hope this isn’t forever, that after all this we have a chance to see about us, but she needs to be able to figure her situation out on her own, and I need to not be involved for my own mental and emotional wellbeing right now. So I finally voluntarily stepped back. We started out open and honest, sharing anything and everything. I won’t tell her story, that’s her’s to tell. The main point is, while dealing with her divorce, she hasn’t had a lot left over to give to us. And being able to give in a relationship is important… no… imperitive for a healthy relationship. And the lack of this openness, honesty, of communication, and of certainty, brought out my insecurity to a level I haven’t seen it at in a long, long, long time. I own responsibility for how I handled that.

I’ve been pondering this for a few days now. One of the things that triggers this insecurity, even jealousy, that is to be expected, is hearing about the ambiguity of feelings she has left for her husband, and pondering what to do there. NOT a help for a guys feelings of security with the woman he loves to be sure. But more surprising, is a trigger that is to be less expected. She’s made some new friends, and she’s an affectionate person. But when I see her calling them by pet names that I had only seen reserved for me, seeing how close they are when I’ve barely seen two words spoken between them… wow.

Am I threatened that she has friends? No. Am I threatened that she can be affectionate? No. I’ve been exploring this, and I find I’m threatened because she’s growing so much closer to other people, and finding affection and openness with them when she doesn’t have much for me. While I was shown less and less, they were shown more and more. Soon, the only terms of endearment used to me were the ones being used with everyone else. Again, not good for feelings of security in a relationship. And another part of feeling threatened here, is that… I hear nothing about these friendships in the day to day, no, “I was talking to my friend about X today, and our discussion ran along these lines”, no indication that there’s any sort of friendship at all, nothing shared with me, until it’s already to a point where one need to rave about how fantastic and close these people are. Do I care that she’s doing all this without me? Well….. kind of. I don’t care that she has a life outside of us, but I DO care that she has a life outside of us that I NEVER HEAR ABOUT, that she feels she can’t share with me. Secrets were never really our thing, and when suddenly they start stacking up, even if they’re not intentional…. yeah, I feel threatened, and I feel insecure. Especially with the tenuousness already inherent because of the situation of being in a relationship on the heels of divorce. Secret social networking sites, friendships with people I have barely ever even heard about, getting to a level of that much closeness, and… it’s hard. Especially when I saw her drawing further away from me. It’s not that I’m not doing the same things with her, it’s that she can’t share with me afterwards. How do you NOT feel insecure?

Perhaps my past plays some part in this. The girlfriend I gave my virginity to, who insisted I too was her first, had a girlfriend in the romantic/sexual sense on the side, that I never knew about. She didn’t see anything wrong with that. She didn’t feel it necessary to tell me, didn’t understand how it could possibly be cheating. It’s taken a long time to get comfortable with how close women can get and still JUST be friends. It’s been a long and rocky journey. But when suddenly there’s the closeness there, and then the closed off as well … maybe my mind wanders back to another time when secrets and girlfriends were an indication of something else.

This isn’t about sex though, or being hurt in the past by a surprise girl/girl romance. Don’t get me wrong. I trust her. I know she wasn’t being untrue, that these are innocent friendships. This is about sharing an important part of ones life with one’s lover. I think if there was more openness, more sharing, that this wouldn’t have even been such a trigger in the first place, that any twinge from the past could have been handle with a laugh, a shrug, and a modicum of reason and thought. I have friends, I have close friends, of both sexes, that I can be affectionate with. And they are part of who I am. Just as hers are part of who she is. And this is where I felt insecure. That somebody became a big a part of who she is, and she couldn’t share it with me. In our relationship, being able to share ALL of ourselves was the cornerstone. What we built the whole thing on. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her or that I suspected her, that caused the insecurity. It was that she had time and heart in her enough to grow and evolve and be close to new people, take a chance on opening to strangers…. and she couldn’t with me. And maybe I needed to be more compassionate too, and not react directly off the triggers. I own full responsibility for how I reacted, and I’m sorry. It doesn’t excuse anything knowing what contributed. But it didn’t help either.

I don’t know. When I was littler I had a bigger problem with insecurity, because I didn’t understand how anybody could love me. And through age and time I learned and accepted and KNEW, that I was worth loving, and why. I’ve held onto that. Now, I find myself coming from the other direction… I know why I deserve to be loved, and it’s hard to accept that anything could hold her back from doing that. That where once we shared and were open about even our deepest, darkest secrets, now she can’t even share something so simple and innocent as making and growing close to new friends. Why can’t she share something innocent and light and positive like THAT? It’s positive, it’s a good thing, right? That’s something worth talking about. This isn’t another negative “it takes too much out of me” emotion from the divorce, this is positive! It’s supposed to be. If it’s not something worth being insecure over, why is it so hard to be open about something as mundane as that?

These are the things I wonder.

A lot to think about for me today.