There are times in the lives of all of us that define us. Times where we are forced to test what we are made of. Times that push us beyond our limits, out of our comfort zones, where we must stand or fall. To live in such times, brings us great fear. We gnash our teeth, and question the fairness. We wish that we would never have lived to see such times, we hope that they can’t happen in our lifetimes. All of us who have ever had to experience this, question why. While we often reach these times through paths of our own choosing, at the same time often there is no avoiding them. It does no good to wonder why us, why now. The times come, and it matters little why. What matters is what we do with them.
When hope fades, when fear reigns, when pain becomes unbearable, when the odds are stacked against us, when everything seems impossible … these are indicators we have reached such times. Our normal reaction is to cower, to hide, to give up. We wish to deny the reality of such times. We lose our hope, we lose our ways. We slow down, take stock, and stop. The fear of change, of overcoming the odds, of facing the darkness with our own meager light is powerful. The longer we stand still and figure the odds, the harder it becomes to move again. We begin to tell ourselves we are weak, that we can not possibly face these fears, that there is no way we can succeed. Perhaps we approached such times from a place of strength, but as the time becomes more difficult, we succumb more and more to the fear, to the pain, and wish to retreat back to our comfort zones.
Facing adversity in such times is hard. But we are made of sterner stuff, we who are human. We have many stories and tales, both fictitious and founded in fact, where we overcome the odds. Where armies who are outnumbered choose to fight, despite being outnumbered. Where individuals with the world stacked against them soldier bravely onward. Where one who has been knocked down repeatedly continues to get back up and try again. We understand that perhaps we are destined to lose, but we get back up and face this with courage. We stand, we fight. We strive to overcome. There is a light within us all that can not be extinguished, if we chose to see it.
Perhaps at times we still fail, but we fail knowing we have faced the situation to the best of our abilities. We have faced our fears and proved our worth. And yes, oftentimes we find we can overcome. Our will is a powerful thing, and often has little to do with reality. While we live and breathe, while our heart beats, while there is an ounce of blood in our veins or a breath left in our lungs, we can continue to push on, to strive to overcome, despite the fear, the sorrow, the pain. We are unique, in that we can bend the odds around us, and charge through the odds, meeting success regardless.
Sometimes, when we look into the darkness, we can see no light through the other side, and so, struggle to remain in the light we know. But the darkness stays there, lingering, beckoning, and waiting to be faced. It spreads through time, growing darker, deeper. We can not hide from it forever. Truth must be faced, reality must be acknowledged. Despite the odds against us. Whether this is facing the reality of a relationship whose time is over, a love that is not enough and never will be, financial ruin, or even death itself. Eventually, all things change, and all things must be acknowledged. There is no life without risk or change. There is no happiness without sorrow. There is no light without the darkness. There is no hope without adversity. The only way to live, to find happiness, to realize hope, is to accept the road ahead of us. We can not change these things, we can not run from them or hide from them forever. They will catch up to us eventually. It does not matter how we got here, for we are here. It is NOW. What matters now, is how we face them.
In my veins, I bear the blood of my ancestors. I bear their memories. I feel the times my people have faced the odds, have struggled, and have stood fast and true. All things change, and often in ways we wish they wouldn’t. There is no going back. There is only ever forwards. We can not mourn the past forever, we can not pick up the threads of a life that has ceased to be true. Some truths are not strong enough to move forward with. There is only honesty and acceptance, despite how scary this may be. In a couple short years I have been forced to accept many of these.
Despite loving my ex-wife, despite our children, despite the vows I had made to her, despite the things we could have done to find more happiness … despite all this, I lacked a fire for her. I had to face the unthinkable, and say goodbye to the life we had. I had to accept us as who we truly were. There was and always will be love between us, but it is a love that is without passion. We had problems communicating, with intimacy, with honesty, and accepting each other for who we were. These were the problems of our marriage, very real problems. And all problems that could be addressed, had they but stood on their own. But more than being problems, they were side effects. They were not the cause, but the consequences of a deeper problem. A love without passion, a love that despite both our desires and hopes that it could have been enough, never could be. Always underneath was the knowledge that we would always desire more. That our passions lie elsewhere than with each other. Perhaps I did reach deep enough into the core of her to awake a passion for me. Perhaps. Through time though, she has come to see that she lacked that for me, despite her protestations in the face of losing me. She was forced to face her fears, to face the darkness, and in doing so, found change and truth. As did I. The sorrow was unimaginable. To give up all I had worked for, to give up all that I had hoped we could be. To give up the family I had tried so hard to create, the love I tried so hard to tend … no matter my fears at losing that, the truth was … it wasn’t there. Only by facing that truth, and accepting it, have I been able to progress beyond that fear, and stand ready to face the future.
And what a future it has been. Looking back, I knew this would be hard, but I had no idea how hard it was going to be. I knew I would likely struggle to make ends meet, but I had no idea it would be this hard. I knew I would be heartbroken, but I had no idea how close my heart would come to being destroyed. I knew my children would suffer, but I didn’t really think the aftereffects would be so far reaching. I knew things would never be the same, but I had no idea how much they would change. I had hoped we would be able to remain close, but even with how well we get along, there is a distance now that can not be bridged. I closed the doors, I burned the bridge, I shed my tears, and despite the fact that things have been so much more difficult and tragic, more painful than I ever thought I could bear, I have beared it. I have faced it. I have come out on the otherside, and I have found hope. I have found I am still alive, that life goes on, and there are still futures spread before me. There is no going back. There is only ever forward.
I find myself in financial ruin. I am so far behind on all my bills that I see no hope. I have income that barely provides groceries and gasoline, yet life goes on and every month the debt against me stacks and grows and builds. I stand the risk of losing my house. My water has been off for almost a week. My phone is shut off. My internet is shut off. Soon, I’m sure my gas and electric will be disconnected. I owe thousands in back taxes to the city. I owe thousands to the utility company. I owe tens of thousands to my mortgage company. I don’t currently own auto insurance. I sit here day after day, trying to find work and failing. I see no hope. I see only everything stacked against me. I long to give up. I am afraid to act, afraid to move, afraid to even answer the phone and listen to another harassing debt collector. I am afraid of losing everything I own. I am afraid of continuing forward. But even more so, I am afraid of not doing so. If I give up, if I turn my back on everything I have accepted, everything I have found to be true, I am afraid that I will cease to live and cease to have my opportunity to find the truth of why I set out on this path in the first place. Some days it is SO TEMPTING to just call her up, and look to put the past behind us, to grab on to the love we still share, to pick that back up, and to have my comfort zone back. It is a strong urge, that I fight. It might work, we might find happiness even, but I know I would not be truly living. The doorway to that path was opened by another. And that’s been scary from the get go.
Despite how much that terrifies me, it terrifies me even more to ignore that. And now… the one who DID open that door for me, the love of my life, she must face her own darkness. To look through the broken pieces of her own self, and reclaim the truth that led to that breakage. And while she does this, I still must stand and fight. I can no more run from the truth of my own dark night than she can hers. I have to stand and fight. I have to remain strong. While there is even a shred of hope left for me, while there is but a breath left in my body, I can not run. I can not hide. These are the times that define us, and while I am afraid to face this, I am more afraid of turning by back and giving up. No more backwards. No more standing still. There is only forwards, and I am made of sterner stuff. There is always hope, despite the harshness of the truth. Despite how hopeless my life may seem, I will always stand and fight, to my dying breath. There is no reward without risk, and for the stakes I’m playing for, there can be no greater rewards. I am playing for the future, for LIFE, for TRUTH. I will stand, and I face this, and I will fight.
I wish her the same steel and strength as she faces her own night, and pray that I can be as strong. Change comes whether I want it to or not. And I will be standing on the other side, even if I end up standing alone. To do anything less would be to deny the truth of myself. I am part of Deity, and I will continue to act as such. So mote it be.
