old man sutton

The adventures through life and spirit of a single father, lover and man.

Ok, I’d really like to thank my friends for being there for me.  After 2 hours of steady sobbing, I’m feeling a lot more calm and balanced, and I had a really great friend to talk through some of this with.  I really DID want to share more about my trip to the forest with the kids, so I’m back now to give it the full attention it so richly deserves.

After reading so many people talking today about how beautiful it was outside, I was determined to get out there and enjoy it.  It really dried up out there quite a bit from yesterday, so we went outside, and got the wagon cleaned up from its lonely winter in the elements.  We brought along some juice, and the camera, and I proceeded to walk the … *thinks* … 10-11 blocks to the woods.  That alone took a lot of effort.  Spent a lot of the trip trying to prepare the kids for proper woodland behavior, ie., if you want to see animals, we have to be VERY QUIET!  Quieter!  No, quiet!  Shush!  *sighs*  You know… that old chestnut.

We got there, and for once the place was actually open.  I usually go after it closes, which leaves me free to enjoy it without the presence of other human beings around.  We stopped at the office and made sure to check with the DNR that it would be ok to take a wagon onto the trails.  She assured us it was, though we’d probably find it was really muddy out there.  Well, yes, but I’d already determined which trails were wagon-traversable last night.  So off we went.  In retrospect, I wish we would have found someplace safe to stash the wagon, though it did come in handy in a couple wet spots.

So off we went on the trails, and even if the kids could have been quiet (they couldn’t), the wagon rolling over dead leaves was NOT quiet.  At all.  Erin was pretty mellow about the whole ordeal, but at least she was quiet.  Milo was super excited, and so of course, couldn’t contain himself.  He got to learn all sorts of neat things, like what oak leaves look like, what a birch tree looks like, boys can pee anywhere they want easily in the woods, etc.  Hehe.  At one point, we stopped at a bench, because daddy needed a break from pulling a wagon over soft, rough terrain.  Milo had elected to walk, and I let him as long as the ground wasn’t too wet, but it was still heavy going pulling that thing.  Anyways, we’re stopped at a bench, and there’s a bug on my hooded sweatshirt.  I tried to blow it off (not like that) and Milo says, “No, don’t do that daddy, I want to look at it!”  I obliged him, and he tell’s me, “It’s a baby fly!  How fascinating!”  LOL!  His phrasing cracks me up sometimes.  Such a great vocabulary for 5 years old.

Anyways, he then informs me he has to poop.  By my estimate, we’re about 2 and a half miles from home at this point, and have no toilet paper with us.  Great!  I advise him to hold it, and cut our trip short, taking the main loop out.  Through this whole time, we haven’t seen a single animal, and they’re getting louder and louder.  I kind of began losing my temper and told them there was no way we were EVER going to see any animals as long as they kept asking me every 30 seconds.  Trying to explain that this wasn’t the zoo, it was the wild, and the animals are scared of lots of noise.  Felt really bad about it, because… they’re just kids, and I’m trying to instill in them a love of the outdoors, not yell at them.  So, felt pretty hangdog over that on the way out.

Then on top of that, the day was perfect.  The smells of sunshine and heat and moisture evaporating, dead leaves, grass greening up, pools of water that have yet to stagnate, warm breezes…. the kind of days I live for.  And for some reason, this just kept making me tear up on our way out.  Knowing how perfect the day was.  Well.  Almost perfect.  It was definitely missing just one more thing to really classify as perfect, and I could feel that absence like a lead weight on my heart.  That’s where I really started falling apart today.

Anyways, we managed to stop at a huge gathering of frawrgs (frogs) on the way out.  SO MANY FRAWRGS!  These weren’t the kind that go “Meep-Meep” either… but the really full throated bullfrogs, tons of them, all singing at the top of their lungs.  It was LOUD.  We managed to see one swimming around, but for the most part, they all stayed well hidden, and despite the kids insistance they should be able to go down and look for them, we let them STAY hidden.  Daddy can be so unfair.

After that, a long, long, long walk back home.  My thighs, they hurts.  My hands, they are developing calluses.  My feet are SORE.  But really, a worthwhile trip, and I’m glad we got to do it.  It was really close to perfect for me, and the KIDS thought it was great, so I guess that’s good enough for me today.

Good morning all! A very happy Wednesday to you. I’m currently adjusting to a new visitation schedule with the kids that will be in full effect next week. This week, there is a transition period. I have to admit I’m looking forward to this a LOT. I’ve had the kids every single weekend for the past year and a half, and I’m looking forward to having free weekends again! There was something relaxing about having weekdays as my weekends, but it’s not exactly conducive to having a social life. Everybody I know works, and so I’d spend my “days off” lonely and bored. Sure that’s fun and necessary once in a while, but I’m here to tell you that it drags on me. After a year and a half, I’m ready to have “adult” (not like that) time on the weekends again.

I’m also finding myself making a bit more effort on things that need to be happening internally in my own life. Tweaks here and there. I’m feeling a lot more positive lately as a result. Still have my emotional struggles in the day to day, but maintaining that positive outlook more and more regardless of that. Coming to greater understandings of some of the “why’s” in my personal relationships and circumstances. This week hasn’t been that kind to me so far, but that’s ok! I’m looking at life and saying, “OK! ENOUGH already, I get it, you can stop smacking me around.” Taking more time to listen. Spending some more time internally. It’s not really what I want right now, but if it’s necessary, then fighting it is just stupid. So that’s where I’m standing today.

You probably noticed by now that I’ve styled my blog a bit differently. It’s more personal and pleasing to me. I liked the old picture and colors, but these mean so much more to me. Also I see it as a way of honoring the coming spring and summer.

I’m thinking this morning, that I’d like to share some more about myself with you all. I’ve listed things I’m grateful for in the past. So today, I thought I’d share some confessions about myself instead. The good, the bad, and the hilarious.

I am a Gemini (sun sign), Aries (moon sign) and Virgo (ascending sign).

My father wanted to name me “Lunch Money”, and I’ve always thought that was the coolest thing ever, and I’m kind of disappointed he didn’t.

I am very stubborn and headstrong. I like to do things my OWN way. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been this way. The more somebody pushes me to do something, the more I fight. And when I make up my mind, it takes a lot to make me change it.

I still miss the good aspects of my old marriage from time to time. Some days the loss of that still make me cry. But I still believe I did the right thing, even if the cost was so high as to be nearly unbearable.

This morning while driving to pick up the kids, I burst into song in the car. I spontaneously made up and sang a song about how great it was to see the sun, and about dreams coming true. I sang it in a majestic baritone that surprised even myself, and it totally made my morning. I have to admit to being inspired by somebody close to me, and she figured largely into the lyrics. lol

I am still very much in love (you know who you are), and although the strength and depth of that emotion hasn’t faded with time (far from it), I’m understanding more how now isn’t the right time to jump into that. Not with so much work on self that still needs to be done, on both our parts. That was always and ever the point, and the strength of these emotions makes it hard to focus on that sometimes. Sure I’d still love to be able to embrace that from time to time and think that’d be ok, but I understand too how distracting and consuming that can become.

I do believe I found the right person for me, the one, even if we can’t have that right now.

I really want to learn how to blacksmith.

When I was in school, I played a musical instrument: the clarinet. I was mocked for this, playing a “girl’s instrument”, until years later the other guys suddenly realized that they were sitting segregated off in dude-land, while I was surrounded by women. Hehe, suckers.

I’m a hopeless, helpless romantic with the right person.

My water is currently shut off, and I took a shower this morning with two gallons of water in a jug. I’m looking at the positive of this, in that I’ve conserved water today.

I’m hopelessly in love with my kids, even if they do make me want to strangle them.

I love long car drives. I really miss driving down to Indiana, or home from Lansing early in the morning. It’s a long boring drive, but it’s exciting in its own way. Also, these are some of the only times I really have to blast my music at top volume and sing at the top of my lungs.

I’m a sucker for sunrises and sunsets. They’re so beautiful and romantic. The transition from day to night, and night to day, is a time full of such magical energy and potential.

I’m a total coffee snob. I live on strong coffee, love it, can’t get enough!

On the occasions I have to drink, I prefer red wine or Guinness. I normally limit myself to one or two.

My spiritual life has been rather un-extraordinary lately, and I really miss that.

I still like watching cartoons and playing with Legos. Having kids is like having a second childhood for myself, as I get to do these things all over again, lol!

There are certain spots in Richmond, Indiana, that are forever burned into my memory. Glenn Miller Park, and the Whitewater Gorge.

I’m a dork, and I’m ok with that.

I have three manifestations of the Divine that I specifically honor. I was chosen by Herne and Freyja, and I also chose Brighid.

I check myself out in the mirror, and I think I’m pretty hot. I’d hit that. LOL!

When I close my eyes there is only one person’s face there, and when I wake up in the mornings, one person who I always think of first.

I have a hard time accepting compliments, because I’m not used to them. I can be very hard on myself sometimes.

I believe in fairy tales, and that dreams can come true. I believe all we have to do to have those, is to grab onto them when we see them. And I believe we know when we see them.

I often walk barefoot in the snow.

My feet aren’t ticklish, unless I really really like you.

Despite how often I want to give up, I never really truly lose hope. Hope is what keeps me going.

I love nature. This one should be obvious, but. FOR REAL. I’m happiest when I’m outside.

I believe that while people change, there is a core person in all of us, our soul maybe, or what have you, that never changes, and this is the level we truly connect with people on.

Ever since last November, I have a very soft spot in my heart for elevators. Anytime I get in an elevator, I have the cheesiest grin on my face.

My last birthday was the best day of my entire life. Hands down. Waterfalls, love, nature in the upper peninsula. Camping, rivers, standing knee deep in a lake, hiking through hills, stands of lilacs. There’s no way I could ever express how beautiful that day and the preceding days were. But, that was honestly the BEST few days of my life, ever. I believe many more like that could be possible in the future.

I also confess that this post is getting incredibly long!

Wishing you all a wonderful Wednesday, much love to you all!

I have to say that five’o'clock in the morning is definitely early. It’s becoming increasingly more common that I’m “awake” to greet the day at this time of morning. This morning, however, saw my eyes pop open at the earlier hour of four. As early as this is, as tired as I should be, I was indeed wide awake and well rested, the same familiar face the first thing in my mind as has been for the past… almost two years now. First thought upon waking, last thought before drifting into welcoming sleep. Some patterns are just so beautiful.

Why did I wake up so early? Perhaps it has something to do with retiring to bed so early as well. My children, when they are here, go to bed at 8:00pm. I wasn’t far behind.

So here I am, up before sunrise, up before those birds that are supposed to be catching their worms. Not that I can blame them, it’s hard to find worms under several inches of snow. What does one do with this sort of time? I realize some people get up this early almost every day, people have to work all sorts of schedules. I’m not among the employed, so where’s my excuse?

Sure, in another hour, hour and a half, I’ll be waking the kids up, making sure they get dressed and have breakfast, before I take my son to school. I’m taking some time to write here, but… something more.

This morning I’m being called. Called to by something more beautiful than birdsong, on a sense that’s more elusive than hearing. Something beyond sight, touch, taste or smell as well. I feeling, a need, a longing to greet the day. To stand facing east, to welcome the sun, to watch his slow ascent over the horizon, bringing life and color back into the world. Compound this with the humming of approaching spring, and it’s irresistible.

Lyon over at The Wandering Hearth recently made a reference to the television show “30 Days”.  On one of the episodes, the show’s creator goes to live on a Navajo reservation for 30 days, and learns to greet the morning every day.  I’ve always been drawn to and intrigued by Navajo spirituality, ever since I was a kid and read Tony Hillerman’s Navajo police mysteries.  The Beauty Way is … well … beautiful, and really speaks to me.

Something I’ve notice, in Pagan culture, is how often we look over the seas, back to Ireland, Greece, Rome, Egypt, Scandinavia, etc., for our ideals on spirituality.  I don’t have any problem with this, I’ve chose and been chosen by Gods and Goddesses from those cultures.  But we often seem to overlook the earth-born spirituality of the indigenous peoples of our own country.  This, of course, assuming you are in the United States.  We talk about honoring and worshipping nature, but we overlook the people that have been doing just that, in THIS natural environment, for time out of mind.  I often feel frustrated with the Celtic traditions as they pertain to Michigan.  I’m not going to find Rowan or Yew here.  I don’t live in a natural environment that supports that.  Were the Celts the only ones who had a line on the spirituality found in nature?  What about the Chippewa who used to live here.  Who would know better the spirits and practices of living in harmony with nature in the Saginaw Valley of Michigan, then they?  What did they used to practice?  What were their beliefs?  What trees, animals, etc, were sacred to them.  All I’m sure, but in what ways, etc.

I really want to find out more about what used to be (and may still be to some degree) practiced HERE.  Where I live and breathe.  I’m not forsaking other teachings, or giving up other Gods.  But what more meaningful and honest practice than to follow the path of nature in one’s OWN environment.  We brought our Gods and Goddesses to America, and overran the ones that existed here before us.  Wouldn’t it behoove us, as Pagans, to honor those that came before us in our localities?

I’m challenging myself to learn more about this.  To learn the ways of those that lived here before.  I adore the Navajo way, I love its teachings.  Now I want to find out more of the Chippewa.

I hope everybody’s mornings are filled with sunshine and positivity!

As autumn descends on Michigan, already splashing the forest canopies with brilliant golds and crimson, I find myself growing increasingly restless. I want to throw off the shackles of job and convention, I want to spend my days walking in the woods, fishing from a stream, watching the clouds roll by and feeling the wind on my face.  I want to run naked through the woods, lounge in a grassy meadow and feel the last bit of warmth the sun still shares. It’s always an attractive idea, getting back to ones’ primal roots, revelling in the freedom and unrestrictedness of our natural wardrobe, indulging in the untamed and wild feeling, and really getting back to nature in the deepest and purest sense.

Most people don’t indulge these flights of carefree longing. Busy schedules and conflicting priorities are so much more pressing than taking the time to revel in the outdoors, let alone indulging in a little “woodland nudity”.  Personal modesty and social expectations of appropriate behavior often times can be strong deterants. I know I would have a fear of getting caught, initially out of modesty, but even more so for something as innocent as this could land one with a label of “sex offender.” But even if one is willing to put aside the responsibilities of maintaining the status quo, to brave these risks, to indulge, to really get in touch with nature, there is still one major obstacle left to face. In fact, it’s the nature of nature itself. It’s wild, and doesn’t hold the same idealistic view of itself that we can sometimes attribute to it.

Let’s take the example of nudity in the wild. It’s pretty nice in theory right? Imagine walking through a forest, along a tree lined path… the sunlight dappling the path’s clover covering, which gently soothes and cools your feet as you walk barefoot along it. The only eyes upon you are the variant woodland creatures, and songbird song fills the air. A faint breeze, gusting here and there, alternately warm and cold, caresses your skin as close as a lover, and tousles your hair as though you were a fond child. Sounds beautiful right?

In reality, this RARELY happens. You may find an appropriate sylvan setting to indulge this fancy, but finding privacy is often difficult. On the off chance you do have privacy, or are in an area with people that won’t pass judgement on you, the moment you disrobe, mosquitos will track you down with a vengence. There is nothing more detrimental to woodland nudity then being swarmed by stinging or biting insects. Looking for that feeling of oneness and interconnectedness with the natural and divine? How easy is that to find when you’re either swatting at insects, or getting bitten up in intimate locations, growing itchier and itchier by the minute?

How about inclimate weather?  We want to get in touch with nature right, but we don’t dare go for a walk in the rain.  We would get wet, or “catch our death of pneumonia” to quote the generation before mine.  Again, it seems hard to connect to the natural world if we have to be uncomfortable to do so.  What then are we after?  Are we after the appreciation only of the parts of nature that are ideal?  We can appreciate nature when it’s sunny and warm, but what about when nature reveals its other face, the face that’s not so kind?  Oh sure, we might “appreciate” it, but do we ever really EXPERIENCE it?

Nature can be cruel, violent, unpredictable … let’s face it, nature can be a real bitch sometimes.  Is there not beauty in this as well?  The purples and blues of lightning, forking their incandescent energy across the sky in a violent thunderstorm is very beautiful, viewed from a distance.  This is something that would be much harder to appreciate up close, the energy being unleashed is far too great to experience with anything even coming close to approaching comfort. 

The half eaten carcass of a young deer found infested with flies along the woodland path, nourishment for the coyotes.  The circle of life displayed in all its hideous and realistic gory… er… glory.  Nature demands that things must die so others may live.  Is there not a beauty in this, sinister though it seems?

How often do we take the time to see the positive in nature, in all its guises?  How often are we willing to go out and really experience that?  I see a similarity in the way we live our lives.  We are so ready to see the negative sides of events in our lives, to moan and put on hold when things aren’t ideal.  We cling to the expectations of what we want life to be, without taking the time to appreciate the beauty of what lies before us.  Even in the most seemingly destructive and final actions, there is beauty to be found, positive to withhold and appreciate for what it is.  Lightning is good for the soil, which is good for the crops.  Lightning sometimes causes forest fires, which provides germenation for certain trees, clears diseased wood, and gives new life the opportunity to grow.  The grisly reality of the circle of life provides population control and sustenance to the creatures of the forest, and gives back to the earth.  So as it is in nature, so it is in life.  There is good in everything, if we only care to see. 

I’ll even stretch my own mental muscles here.  Even the mosquitos are good.  Another link on the food chain being served, which in turn feeds the frogs, birds, etc, and so on down the list.  And perhaps in a way this is a sacrifice back to nature, a way of saying thank you, for letting us experience the good times, and reminding us to look for the positive in the bad times as well.

Click on the thumbnails to bring up a larger resolution photo.

Here are pictures from my most recent trip to the Shiawassee National Wildlife Refuge, on June 1st, 2009.  More will follow soon, but until then, enjoy!

Edited 2/28/2010:  Unfortunately these pictures somehow have been deleted off the server and are no longer available.  =(