Let me start off by saying that firstly, no, I did not get in a car accident.  Secondly, that this is a long rambling post, and I’ve been writing it for several hours, so if it gets too difficult to read, I do apologize.

I was going back over some poetry I had wrote at the end the year, and I ran across this.  It’s still pretty much in its raw form.  It’s definitely something for me to keep in mind right now.  I’m still getting panicky, I’m still afraid.  But I remember what this felt like, writing this poem, and it’s helping to calm me down.  Time apart isn’t so bad when you know you’ll be seeing each other again soon.  Still not quite close to “soon”, but … soon enough I suppose.  I really want to talk so bad.   And while most of that is a genuine desire to share company and conversation with her, there is part of that which  is also worry that in some way, the reality of who we are when we’re together will be forgotten about if we don’t talk for so long, and then, so too will I be forgotten.

I see the car moving, and my hands aren’t on the wheel.  That can be pretty effing scary.  I control every other aspect of my life, and have for a good … wow, almost 2 years now since I first separated and struck out on my own.  I have been living an independent lifestyle, living alone, making it all by myself for almost 2 years now.  I’ve worked, parented, struggled, fought, paid, loved, laughed, listened, shared, cried, and died several times over in that time-frame.  And some of those times were happy, and some of those times were sad.  And some of those times were the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life, and I can still remember those times.  I want to grab on to that part of my life that grew those happy times, not just the memories, but the reality of it that made it happen in the first place, to grab onto that and live it and live it hard.  I deserve to be that happy.  Everybody deserves to be that happy.  There’s no way I deserve it more than you or anybody else.

I accidentally stumbled on an old conversation this morning, and it made my heart melt and my tears flow with the tenderness, love, lust, connection, passion and sheer adoration in it.  And if there’s ever been anything that has stood in the way of that, it’s been fear.  It’s something I have no control over.  There’s no steering wheel on this car, the brakes have been cut, there’s a weight on the accelerator, and I’m in the passenger seat looking for the “oh shit” handle, scared to hell too.  I don’t need to park the car in the driveway or nothing, but it would be nice if it didn’t drive over the edge of a cliff too.  That’s the shit about having no control.  You just have no idea what is going to happen.

That’s the scary thing about starting anything new too, though.  It’s new.  It’s the unexpected.  It’s the unknown.  Every day we are handed more and more of these.  Every day is the start of something new.  Every day we are given the present, and there is no telling what will happen.  The best we can hope to do is to do the best we can with each day.  This is where I want to keep the car on the road.  This road fills my heart, and this road makes me feel alive.  Fuck fear.  How many times had her and I ever gotten together, scared what it was going to be like together after so long, and how many times were all those fears unnecessary.  Some things burn bright no matter how dark the horizon is.   And I think that the best I can do, is find those things, and to fan the flames.

That just happens to be one of them.

I’m fanning the flames of my kids, being the best dad I can be for them.

I’m striking furiously with steel and flint at a pile of dried grass where work is, but it’s something.  ;)

The thing is, as much as I talk about love, and this person I love… that’s just a part.  I’m already living the others parts of my life as best as I can, or working on it.  I am always trying to do better.  The love is the part that I’m missing terribly right now,  all the more so because of an added silence on top of it.  I’m not only missing my truest and most precious love, I’m missing my best friend.  I’m missing the most amazing person I have ever met on the face of this earth, and the loss of that weighs and tugs at me.  This is a person that not only do I feel all this for, but one who understands me deeper than anyone ever has, who I have bared my soul to, told my darkest and deepest secrets to, shared our fears and hopes with, shared the brightest times of my life with, magnified the best in me, and whom I helped do the same for, who suffered with me through a tragic loss,  who stood with me and looked to the future with a mutual hunger to grab onto that as hard as we could and never let go.  I fear the loss of all of that, because there is so much there.  There is everything I had always looked for, and more.   Is it any wonder I want to try to keep the car on the road?

So at the same time, if I try to control this car, the movements will become exaggerated, the car will veer sharply, and go plummeting off the cliff.  So here is where things come down to trust.  This is where it’s important to just be present in the moment.  To acknowledge, yes, I AM afraid of losing that, thank you very much.  I have never seen a more undeniably perfect couple as when we’re  together.  I’ve never met somebody I was more sure about wanting to share my love with, who stirred my passion so deeply.  To me, THAT is what’s really worth hanging on to.  I am very much afraid of losing that.  I am expending so much energy WORRYING about losing that, and trying to prevent it, that the focus of that energy is all on … losing that.

Woah, not cool man, I believe in that whole “mind over matter” thing.

Do I have it in me to acknowledge this fear, to know I’m afraid, to know that there IS no way to know, and just … let go of the wheel, lean back, and enjoy this ride, wherever it takes me?  Can I have enough trust in the Gods and in myself to know that I’ll be alright, that my past is not the culmination of my existence?  No matter what happens, good or ill, there’s always going to be a tomorrow, and I’m always going to try to live it the best I can.  Who knows.  I’m not going to give up if things don’t go the way I’d prefer.  Life doesn’t end.  The sun will still come up.  Etcetera, ad infinitum.

I believe.  I believe fear can be faced and acknowledged and dealt with rationally, that it can me redirected so that one can meet the best life ever.  I do truly believe that.  I’m trying to live that every day.  Because when it’s time for my hands to be on the wheel, when I am in the drivers’ seat, believe me, I’m driving the hell out of this car.  That’s the way I want to live my life.  To the absolute FULLEST, enjoying every bit of it.  Good company, community, passion, intellectual stimulation, family, romance, love, equality, my closest friend, a spiritual connection, independence, partnership and mind blowing sex.  2-3 times a day.  Minimum.  ;)

That’s worth seeing how useless it is to panic when my hands aren’t on the wheel right?  That’s worth acknowledging that fear of the unknown, and stepping forward intent on focusing on having the best life possible, to be the happiest I can be right?  No more worrying that things change.  No more fearing the unknown, but embracing the moment as a gift, and always, ALWAYS living it to the fullest.

*leans back, hair blowing in the wind, and tries to get comfortable in the passenger seat*

I really can’t discount the importance of sleep to my well being.  I always joke that sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine, but really, no.  Sleep and a good diet are IMPERATIVE to our mental and emotional health.  And it’s really hard to get that sleep when you are consumed with worry and fear.  I sleep the best when my emotional and mental health are already in peak shape, when I feel safe, when I feel warm and loved, and when I let my expectations go.  Comfortable and content in the present.  Last winter and spring, I spent a lot of time in positions where I would sleep like a BABY.  Gotta admit, having that right person to hold as we drifted off helped a lot too, hehe.

Anyways, so I haven’t been sleeping well.  I’m living on charity at the moment.  Having some hard days.  Trying to quit smoking.  I’ve cheated here and there on that front.  Which ends up making me feel guilty, I feel like I’m letting everyone else, and especially myself, down.  It’s a shitty feeling.  Guilt.  Thankfully nobody is externally adding to my guilt, but I still have quite a bit over this internally.  Sure I’m at 5 or 6 a day as opposed to my pack and more, but.  I’m better than this right?  I shouldn’t be so weak.

Why are we always so hard on ourselves?  We talk great games about positive thought, intent, action, etc.  But we often let our guilt and negativity inside of us stand in the way of realizing our true potential, our abilities to be happy.  Why do we so often act as our own worst enemies?

And even if we can work on that, we often let those around us add to those negative frames of mind.  I’ve heard a million times from several people that nobody can make us feel negative emotions without our permission.  And I’ve seen just as many cases where these same people, hell, all of us, continue to let others contribute to those negative emotions, or enable us to do so.  We sit here and say, “I hope nobody messes with me today, I want to be happy.”

Why do we give others advice we don’t believe enough to follow ourselves?

Maybe this is just part of being human.  We ARE social creatures after all, and to some extent I think we’ll always seek validation in others.  We start out believing we are amazing and special, and we grow that or lose that through the opinions of others.  No matter how much I tell myself that I don’t care what anybody else thinks, I DO.  I really do care what other people think.  I try not to let it effect me, but I do care.

Perhaps this is why it’s so necessary to surround oneself with supportive people.  To help us learn again to see for ourselves how special and wonderful we really are.  There are times in our lives, especially in the middle of the greatest traumas, where this is not only a good idea, but absolutely essential.  If we surround ourselves with people that don’t support our decisions, who have nothing but negativity to give us, and who can’t respect what makes us happy, then we put ourselves in a position to begin believing that.  To start giving up in ourselves, and to start conforming to their views.  By giving them permission to treat us this way, they give us permission to destroy ourselves.

Conversely, by surrounding ourselves with people that are positive and respectful, who despite our decisions understand that we make them out of a need for what’s best for us, by giving them permission to let us feel good about ourselves, we give ourselves permission to see ourselves as the beautiful and wonderful people we always knew and hoped we are.

Something to think about this morning.  I hope everybody’s weekends are off to a great start!

But… why? If I look back on 2009, there were more things to be happy about than to be disappointed or sad about. In terms of quantity, I had more good things happen to me than bad. Yes, I lost my job, etc, etc, but… that just happened once. Maybe … the things that sucked so bad about 2009 weren’t the events in my life, but rather, how I handled them, and my outlook on them. And you know… if that’s the case… how is 2010 going to be any different?

I lost my job. Once. But I spent more time crying about it and feeling shitty about it, and bitching and moaning than I did trying to fix it or find a new one. That’s not the year’s fault, or my ex-employer’s fault. The fault there is my own. I’ve been strapped for cash. But you know what, I survived. I didn’t have enough to do what I wanted to, but I made it. That should be celebrated, but I’ve been looking at what I didn’t have.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other night, about appreciating what we do have when we have it. He really helped balance that equation for me. Yeah, we should be grateful and thankful for what we have. If all we have is bread and water, and that is enough to get us by in the moment, we should appreciate that, and be thankful for that. But that doesn’t mean we should stop striving to be fulfilled in the way we want to be either. Bread and water is good, but if you want steak and potatoes, you shouldn’t stop trying to reach for that, and you shouldn’t let anything stand in your way when you have the chance to grab that either.

We’re human, we strive to achieve our hopes and dreams. And yeah, this past year, a lot of us have had some major stumbling blocks placed in our way. But I hold that it’s been our attitudes that have been the block, and the real fault didn’t lie in the events of the past year, but rather in our outlooks on life, and how we handled the disappointments, the heartbreaks, the setbacks and pitfalls.

So. It’s a new year. Now what. Will I approach it the same way, and have the same year this year, with different circumstances? Or will I work on truly appreciating the little things in my life again, finding thanks with my bread and water? Will I let that be enough, or can I also appreciate the large things in my life as well, and never stop reaching for what sweeps me up and ignites my hopes?

Waiter, steak and potatoes please.

When confronted by someone who is going through a difficult trial or tribulation, I often feel compelled to give advice, which is part of my caring nature. I hate seeing others in pain, and if I believe I have it in my power to help ease that pain and suffering, then I tend to go to it with a will. One of my favorite pieces of advice in situations like these, is to encourage the sufferer to look on the bright side of things. To look for the positive in the situation, and to embrace that, even if they negative is at the forefront, and even if the positive is hard to see. I sincerely believe in this idea, and yet… I’m also in a place now where I’m finding my own advice hard to swallow. I’ve become something of a hypocrite.

If this wasn’t bad enough, if the person takes my advice to heart, and follows through on it, I am then quick to turn around and lash out, telling them I wish they actually believed the facade they are putting up. At the time when they start to follow this excellent advice, I turn around and hit them between the eyes with the incongruity between the positive spin and the negative reality. I destroy the very ideal I hoped they would create. Hypocrisy times a thousand.

I’ve spent all day thinking about this, after sneaking a peek into a small tarot reading for myself. The cards urged me to seek out forgiveness today, and this is what’s popped into my head as something that I’ve done, and how it’s wronged some people in my life very close to me. I’m aghast and ashamed with myself. To heal, one HAS to be able to look at the positive, no matter how hard it is to see. Negativity breeds negativity, and conversely, positivity breeds positivity. One can not find the positive in life while focusing on the negative. The positive could be staring them in the face, and they would completely miss it. I’m at that point myself. While the universe continues to rain shit down on me, I’ve succumbed to some very negative ways of looking at the world, and yet I’m continually surprised by how much more negative things seem to be getting. I WANT the positive, but I’ve nearly given up in believing it can exist anymore. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy of epic and earth shaking proportions, and it’s destroying me, as surely as I can see it destroying others.

In effect, to embrace the positive, when surrounded by the negative, one has to embrace a specific form of hypocrisy. To dig through the manure to find the gold. To put aside all the negative evidence, and open themselves up to the idea that the positive is indeed attainable, and actually WORK at realizing it. And this does take work, my friends. It’s no mean feat to set aside the hurt, pain, heartache, discomfort, self-loathing… to set aside the facts to the contrary that are screaming, “HEY! You are FUCKED my friend! Give up!” Take it from me, I am living this reality right now.

I am 3 or 4 months behind on my mortgage. I have credit card debt left over from the divorce up to my eyeballs. I am behind on my utilities, water, internet and phone bills. I don’t even have auto insurance right now. I don’t have a job right now, and am drawing unemployment. Unemployment, after child support and taxes, has barely left me with enough to buy groceries and gasoline, let alone pay my bills. I am struggling with the realization that the love of my life no longer wants to be with me. I am struggling with my children not wanting to be here the few days a week I have them. I’m terrified about my health, which seems to be degrading. I’m so scared and alone and adrift, that I have literally become paralyzed. I am doing nothing to save myself, I have been succumbing to the negative as a fact of life. Yet, still I preach on about the power of positivity, though I’ve done little to follow through on my own advice. While it’s true, that to a certain extent I’m at the mercy of potential employers, my creditors, and how the people in my life that I love and want to draw closer to me feel, there is also a very real part that I have control over, and I’ve simply refused to take that control. Fear of failure and rejection is ever a huge thing for me, and I’m living it.

I need to heal. I need to be able to not only bring my life back under control, but … at the same time, how can I expect to do that when I am unwilling or unable to bring my outlook back under control? I feel more like a hypocrite for trying to find anything positive in my life. It’s so hard to see. It seems like every hope and dream, every thing I’ve worked to make a reality, crumbles under my fingers. I feel less like an architect of my destiny, and more like a wrecking ball, demolishing all I touch. The sad thing is, I’m right as long as I continue to view myself and my life in this manner. The real change won’t come, until I am willing and able to look at myself and my life as the blessed person/thing that I/it truly am/is (hehe). How do I believe it, when I can’t see it?

So I guess…. sometimes, hypocrisy is a good thing. It allows us to put aside the negativity, the bullshit, the drama, the facts to the contrary, and exercise our minds and our outlooks, to build up the tools needed to create a more positive reality for ourselves. To become prophets of, not our failures and fears, but of our potential and blessings. To shape a pathway to allow the good in life to return, and to forge a better tomorrow, whatever our situation.

I’m working on it, and I’ve taken the first steps, which has led me to doing something about my situation. I have a meeting with a credit counsellor tomorrow morning, to discuss my options for getting out of debt. Such a simple thing, so obvious, and yet, something I was unable to do while I was telling myself there was nothing I could do. I did it. It was surprisingly easy once I allowed myself to see the possibility. And you know, I’m less of a hypocrite now, for accepting a positive I couldn’t see and could barely believe in, then I was when I was so sure I would be screwed no matter what I did. Yes, there’s still a lot of this situation out of my control, but I’m more ready to face it with a positive heart. Or at least, to try for now. Healing is never easy, and it takes practice, and I still have my moments (read: weeks) where I struggle to grasp anything positive at all. But I’m willing to make that effort, for myself, for others.

Part of my healing here, is acknowleding how out of whack I’ve gotten, and how I’ve wronged others with my words and actions as described above. This week, seeking forgiveness is one of my goals. If I’ve wronged you in this manner (and yes, you know who you are), then I want to take the time now to truly and sincerely apologize. I know I can’t undo the damage that has been done, but I’m asking for forgiveness anyways. I’m also working on trying to forgive myself.

I’m not a perfect person, but I’m trying to get better. I … I believe I can. *small, brave smile* I’m telling myself I can. In the end, the two are related, and interlinked, and both will surely lead me to the reality of that conviction. This is my thought, my belief, my most fervent prayer, my magic intention, and the prophecy I hope to fulfill for myself.

So mote it be.

I was thinking too about how I find myself sliding more and more into a practice of Paganism, despite the fears and hauntings leftover from dogmatic Christian practices that really leave me… uncomfortable with some of it.  How I didn’t actively choose this, how it reached out and chose me.

I’ve wondered through a lot of this, “Why me?”  Why have I been chosen to have been shown some of the most amazing things ever?  Why have I been deemed worthy of a major kick in my life’s ass?  What did I do to deserve any of this?  Where did I go wrong?  What did I do right?

What, when you get right down to it, does it all mean?

Why now?

And the pattern that is building here… of being handed trauma after trauma, inconvenience and burden and hurt, but … then while absorbed in the pain and experience of that, being shown the most beautiful things in this world as well.  Nature, oh you are SO beautiful.  Hurt.  Joy.  Pain.  Thanksgiving.  Sorrow.  Tenderness. 

I’m feeling pretty battered these days, pretty blank and numb.  Pretty down.  I’ve spent a lot of time in tears.  The smallest happy moments I watch others sharing, have the power to reduce me to a sobbing form on the floor.  Why at this time, in this place, am I being handed more than I can deal with, and still being shown so much that is beautiful, that I don’t feel I can fully appreciate?

I don’t know.  Maybe I’m being shown that even in the worst adversity, that there is still beauty all around us.  Maybe these are the tools for dealing with life when it gets shitty.  It’s good things to know, though it takes a lot of work on my part some days to understand that.  Sometimes you really gotta force that smile on your face.  Sometimes you gotta tell yourself those little white lies, “It’ll get better” or ”I feel good”, before you can really embrace them and see the truth behind them. 

We have no control over a lot that happens in our lives.  Oh, I know we DO, but … so does everyone else.  And all these lives touching effect each other, a million interconnected butterfly wings flapping and changing the world around them.  We can rarely pick the moments for good or bad to happen in.  The moments choose us. 

When I find my life filled with all the negative that I wasn’t expecting, the moment chose me.  There is no re-do button.  There’s just… now.  It’s NEVER a good time for something bad to happen.  But… it happens.  The moment is NOW.  And I have to remember that and choose how I will react.  And then live it.

When I find my life filled with all the splendour and joy and love I wasn’t expecting, the moment chose me.  There is no re-do button.  There’s just… now.  It’s sometimes a bad time for something good to happen.  But… it happens.  The moment is still approaching.  And I have to remember that, and be ready to embrace it.  And live it.